Ice Girl's public thoughts.

So I have been on hormone therapy for most my life for one reason or another. Well being AFAB trying to dial in my body so that it functions properly is more art then science since it doesn't produce enough on its own.

Well due to me braking my foot in four places after the calf tear they decided that I needed to have progesterone therapy again which is a mild risk for cancer but has many benefits in women include the following:

Eases anxiety

Promotes memory

Helps to prevent overgrowth of certain types of cells, which can help protect against some cancers including those of the breast or the uterus

Helps to prevent overgrowth of cells of the endometrial lining and prevent endometriosis from forming

Helps with symptoms of PMS

Increases ability to handle stress

Helps the metabolism by contributing to the use of fat for energy

Assists in preventing plaque from forming on arterial walls

Helps to lower triglycerides

Essential for bone growth

All that I knew clearly I'm on it for the bone growth but i have lost a ton of fat as well 45 pounds in 5 months would it of happened without it I doubt it.

Yet what I learned today because I was so horny even after masturbating to 3 orgasms in a row I still wanted to be fucked I had no idea what was going on i found this gem. 

"Progesterone

Progesterone keeps your libido elevated. If your progesterone levels are low, there’s a good chance the urge to have sex just won’t be there."

So maybe being an intense sexual being is normal for me but since i had been off progesterone for nearly 6 years there is no wonder I was cold as a fish and had nearly no desire at all.

But i started in July and well look at when i started contributing to the cage blog again and my actions in real life.

Clearly my hormones are influencing what I want and need to be happy as a woman ♀️. A part of me is still trying to adapt and just accept this is me since in some ways it stills feels odd but when its a thing thats been going on 24/7 for 4 months you gotta adapt eventually.

I think its pretty rad to finally be healthy and comfortable with my female libido. 

My ex who I still live with saw a package and its really light and he said oh there is a package for you what is it?

I said if you really wanna know you can just open it.

He said fine I don't mind if I do and he pulled out what he described as a light but frim shaft wrapped with a Leather tip and a grip handle.

He looked at it like it was an alien in his hand and hes like what is it? 

I am like what do you think it is?

He said i have no idea is this some of that weirdo sex shit?

I said its a horse crop one of the highest rated on Amazon genuine leather.

Hes like well you don't have any horses.

I said I know... So what do you think I can use it for then?

Hes like to hit a girlfriend is this you telling me you have a girlfriend again?

I'm like hunnie I'm a sadist switch that prefers to top I'll hit anyone who wants it but it doesn't just have to be a strike it could be a pat it could be sensual it could be part of a scene theres more to a device then using it as a tool its what you and your partner or partners in the scene want it to mean and you create art experience and expression with eachother.

He's like you never did any of that shit with me.

I'm like right there you just called it shit. Its not shit its taking what many cis hetro non kinky men think of sex 15 minutes cum and sleep and turning it into an adventure.

You know when I tried to go vanilla I sold all my toys so I been slowly getting them back by the way I also have a violet wand I got last month that you didn't see.

Hes like whats that some sorta fake flower on a stick.

I'm like yeah something like that but if you look it up you might be surprised.?

I write a post about hating myself and how confusing life is and i get like double digit likes and quite a few comments.

I visit a dungeon two days in a row and have one of the best weekends in my life and like hardly a word.

I do find it odd how it seemed people here seem to more willing to try and lift someone up when they are down which is good but a hug and good job when someone is genuinely happy and having some fun experiences its like eh not interested.

Also some of the people I have chatted on this website that extended into real life contacts didn't seem happy for me or interested. 

Its kinda funny to see how people who pretended to be your friends quickly start to lose interest when they don't think they will get to be your top your dom your play partner or more.

I am on a BDSM website for crying out loud did people think I wouldn't enjoy a dungeon? Or make friends or find fun man O got invited to after parties that seemed to kick off even more fun experiences but I had work to do for school.

Anyway this is just venting i am glad many of you tried to lift me up when I was feeling like shit but I wish you could be happy for me when I'm having a good time as well. 

I had a serious conversation with my Rope top and it would seem the way things on the blog were discussed made him a little anxious although he said it was fine since it was my interpretation plus some artistic license combing different elements of what happened even if it wasn't a documentary.

Yet i decided to take it down because if even one person could take it out of context I don't want it to stand. Infact today when I walked into the club I talked with the owner and he said him and his other would like to consider me giving a CPR and first aid training to staff since I'm an EMT and that was freaking bad ass they could use that skill set and Id like to help support such an awesome establishment. 

Did i think even two days ago I be suspended on a stage, have a chance to be rope topped, knife play, fire play, impact play, edge play, be tied to another woman and paraded around nearly naked, while also doing similar things to others. While also being asked to teach life saving skills! To be honest I've had some of the most erotism and pleasure in my entier life. 

Whats funny is I stayed till closing tonight and since my fire top was tired from doing like 5 scenes I asked him if he wanted me to get his car from the overflow lot and bring it down he seemed grateful although I mean the dude gave me an experience I never even knew I wanted.

The moment that drove me most crazy was something called the fire pussy where he touched the flame and then sorta clapped it and caressed it with his hands sick. 

My negotiation before being fire topped was as usual for me don't penetration me, no body fluids. He kept asking me I kept saying go for it go all out.

My god I wanna learn how to fire top so badly it seems unbelievable.

Gonna put up a new picture of me in rope it was fun did I ever think I'd be come a rope bunny? Not in the slightest I think the coolest aspect of kink is that you meet such eclectic people and at the end of the time every is working on the same goal which is to spread more pleasure and joy in the world.

Are people worried I'm too trusting yeah I was talked to by a couple of people who read my blog about my lack of a robust pre scene negotiation. Yet its a dungeon any time someone can say yellow red or safeword and theres literally people all over who can end anything.

Additionally I'm not a sub I'm an alpha so I have the confidence to say and do what I like and no one could get me to be otherwise also with my 30 years of martial arts I know if I had to I can rip though most anyone. 

. 

When I was young like 17-23 I used to go to places like this but I had a very express goal be a sadistic dom and take my anger and agression at life out on people who for some reason enjoyed it.

I have very little masochistic tendencies a little spank here or there some scratches or the occasional grab but I know I'd never consent to the level of force people used to welcome me inflicting.

I said in many blogs and it bares on this moment my family abused me so bad I'm an orphan with no family by choice. It's understandable that Id be a tad pissed at the world.

Throw in them hating me over being a daughter well it kinda put in my head that being female is bad and thus I guess even though biological I'm female I wanted to dom harder then any man ever possibly could because I had something to prove.

Yet the farther from the abuse and the more comfort and acceptance of my nature and true feelings not some psychological construction or need to prove myself.

I have mellowed out a ton in these last 14 years. I don't have a need or desire to inflict pain on anyone what I have is a desire to please people and for those who like pain id be happy to oblige.

Yet the new wrinkle that I have wrote about often I myself am curious about bottoming I use bottom because I think people get confused I don't won't couldn't do a "sub" lifestyle thing.

I am way to naturally dominant and live an alpha life EMT three degrees Search and Rescue martial artist of 30 years I once kicked a guy so hard in the chest his knee broke does that sound like a sub to you?

Yet I'd love someone to chain me bent over and spread flog me a little till my ass is as pink as my pussy masturbate me abit and then well if they feel like it fuck me while pulling my hair and talking a little dirty to me.

That right there is as much a truth to me as my dom side the only difference is I never explored it and I am afraid of it.

I am afraid I will like being a bottom that I will want it more that I might even like it better then being a dom/top. That if I like it enough it might mess up my dom/ top vibes. Right now it's only been a fantasy so it has only existed as an ideal but how will it play out as a real relationship as a real dynamic.

I spent almost my entier life trying to repress the fact I have female desires: I dress Androgenous, I intentionally lower my voice as much as I can comfortably talk, I wear binders to minimize my breasts, and If anyone so much as tries to touch me it usually is met with an intimidating interaction.

I don't know its taken so much energy to project this persona I created, and its a part of me but it is by no means all of me.

In response to others who helped me pick an outfit - since no one directly told me what to ware, I i have decided that I will simply wear my gym clothing because if I don't have fun at least I am ready to go to the near by planet fitness and get a work out in.

Will it look unusual me in some runner's leggings and a high compression top that pretty much makes my F cups look like c's and almost unmovable. Yeah but I think I'll play it off as a conversation starter if anyone asks be like yeah I asked for advice on a BDSM website and well they all said stuff you like that you feel sexy in and since theres nothing I know of i figured well might as well just wear whatever the fuck id normally wear and adjust accordingly next time.

I always had a kink based on someone messing with me while I just walk around. I think its in part because I have such self control having someone test that and bring my naughty girl out is just so ?.

I think its the thought of someone forcing me to hide my sexual stimulation it just always seemed fun. Well i was encouraged to go for it and I gave out my lovesense to a few people and I enjoyed it. Walking my dog had a whole ne meaning or going out for a lunch while I'm doing everything possible not to embarrass myself.

Yet even with as much as I enjoy it its been over a month since anyone had the desire to stimulate me. 

So i guess i randomly put this out into the universe anyone wanna help me with that kink?

I assume someones gotta like arousing women out there while they are in public.

Each year I try to set goals for myself priorities. In years past it was finish school strong or have less needless arguments.

This year I thought it was going to be continue my fitness goal but I know that's gonna happen i been at it hard for 4 months not about to stop.

Then i realized it, I had been so blind my whole life because I had never respected it before but I wanna better accept my female innate nature.

To sum it up simply I often use my mind to subjugate my female thoughts.

To see how it plays out here is a real life example. About a year ago now i was working with Marquita we had been given a dangerous psychology Patient to transport him to long term mental health facility.

We needed to be escorted to the patient and while we were waiting to be buzzed into the ward the male cop who had been our "protection" starts checking out my tush. I can feel his eyes looking me up and down even though I'm pretending not to notice.

He then gets right behind me almost so I can feel his breath on me and hes like you got a great ass.

I turn on an almost swivel and look him dead in the eye and am like this is work, your so unprofessional how are you even employed would you like me to make a report of this.

He was flustered and almost shot back and was like damn didn't know you were such a bitch sorry I tried to give you a complement.

Then later after the call Marquita was like what the hell was that all about? I was like I have no idea what you mean?

Thinking she was talking about what ended up being a simi routine call moving a drugged handcuffed person from one hospital to another.

Shes like that cop came up to me later asked me to apologize and for permission to have your number he liked you.

I was like its work Marquita were not paid to hit on men or be hit on we have a job to do and I do my job exceedingly well.

Shes like damnit Anya you're a woman! They hired a fuckin woman, they expect you at times to you know find men attractive and at least not be a rude cunt about it.

I was like I didn't find him attractive so please.

Shes like oh really and then starts describing him in painstakingly sexy excruciating details. Until I said fine maybe he was a little attractive.

Shes like see right there right ficking there! Why couldn't you handle it like that if you didn't want to date him. Be like thank you for the attention but I'm not looking at the moment.

You need to chill out and just be more comfortable and calm about things.

I then admitted to her I was sexually abused and just didn't really feel comfortable with men or even women for that matter who find me attractive.

Shes like well that's not a random person's fault you should know that's your bullshit and do a better job of not making it other people's bullshit.

Even though it would seem like we had a nice bonding moment my response was almost typical Anya, if I saw we were scheduled to be on the same unit I would request a transfer or ask for someone to swap with me if I couldn't get it.

She found out and confronted me about avoiding her and I said look I thought it was very inappropriate the way you called me out on things I am working to help people not be armchair psychoanalyzed by someone.

Shes like part of the job is were all on the same team I saw how uncomfortable you were in your own skin and wanted to see what was wrong with my partner and see if I could help you why are you being such a fucking bitch right now?

Because that's the way I am Marquita I'm a fucking bitch and you got to see that so be glad you don't have to work with me again.

Was there a better way to handle that entire situation in retrospect yeah for fucking sure.

Also the fact I find some men and women attractive isn't a bad thing its healthy and I really need to work on how I interact with people I do feel attraction towards since often I am meanest to them in an attempt to push them away because I'm afraid of intimacy.

I've known beyond a shadow of a doubt I been female since I was ten and was in treatment from 13-now to correct what my parents originally tried to force on me. 

By all accounts I'm a perfectly healthy female, yet the psychology of them encouraging me to be male and being disappointed when my body didn't respond it just made me feel a let down as well in being a biological female.

Almost like I was trapped as a female because of an odd health condition rather then blessed with getting to have this life and it's opportunities. 

I honestly wish my family simply waited. When I was born I was put in an orphanage not because I was the product of a rape to a young mother that would almost seem reasonable.

But because I was born a female yet I had enough ambiguity of my genitals that my family and doctors had enough to discuss. My mom decided to keep me but She wanted a male child and they obliged. I was cut on and made to appear male sure it didn't function couldn't pee standing up and I had no testicles but it was good enough for my mother to pretend she had a son.

The beatings from her my father and grandma were enough to make me in general stop questioning but I knew something was wrong. My mom's go to was always I'm male on the outside and female on the inside.

When I found out though I was at female at birth and what they did everything finally clicked it made sense to me oh it was a great big unbelievably horrible misunderstanding.

Sadly my family didn't approve of me being healthy they tried to argue pretending to be a male even if I couldn't have sexual pleasure or really pass for one was still better then publicly living as a woman I disagreed and on that day lost my family to be myself.

I'm physically female in every way yet I still feel somehow uncomfortable when my body has perfectly natural desires. My body freaks me out with just how much a human could want to be fucked. 

Right now a combination of my cycle reaching the ovulation point and my loneliness I'd do anything for a butch female or even a guy to fuck me senseless.

I tried my hardest my entire life to resist my own natural feelings and desires but the longer I do the more akin it feels to trying deprive a fish from water. 

The longing mixed with raw pleading for having the feeling of being absorbed and filled with someones love force.

I often only feel like this a few days a month but even so that ads to roughly 50 days a year i need and want sex so bad it leaves me in tears and makes me feel worthless for both not having the courage to pursue what I want and the stubbornness not to adapt to these legitimate aspects of my personality.

Friends who know me sometimes worry about my self inflicted celibacy. Many people have offered to take care of my need but the idea of a friend even a good one after trying it once proves that idea too risky. 

It was so much easier when it was just for fun and casual but I'm at an age now where meaningless sex lost its thrill. I want to be loved by someone adored and to do that to happen means i'll have to get comfortable with my inner bitch and entertain the notion that someone can love me for me. 

Sure I might only feel like this but a few days here or there but when I do the lack of union is tantamount to abuse. 

As you all know I lost over 40 pounds in 5 months so if it ain't school or work its been GYM! 

Today though while I was in my cool down a planet fitness hydro bed i start to see flashing lights kinda like emergency vehicles. My time is about done and i wipe the equipment to see what's up and the front desk clerk is in a panic apparently someone collapsed in the men's room possible heart attack!

I saw the fire men rushing in asked if they needed any extra hands since I'm trained and employed as an EMT and they were like we got this.

I was like well hes not my patient so I better just go get outta of the way got a good photo of the fire truck right infront of my planet fitness and put it on my Facebook.

It just feels surreal since I been an EMT as emergencies start to break out usually someone calls for help and I immediately run over and see what i can do sometimes tell people to get my emergency medicine bag and equipment from the car and call 911.

Or theres times im in the ambulance showing up and handling it. This was the first time in forever I was just sitting in a hydro bed listening to music after running for 12 miles chilling and shit was apparently going down right behind me and I never knew at all.

I have told the manager and assistant manager I'm an EMT but this guy hes just here on Sunday had no clue I guess but man I wish he came and got me I feel so bad I couldn't help this guy.

With a heart attack sometimes mintues are the difference between life and death and yeah who do you want trying to help him the freaked out 19 year old who's practically in tears or the EMT who's gone on hundreds of calls already?

Sigh ? I just feel sad that something I love doing being a apart of the action and saving lives just passed me by today. 

I hopes he's okay. 

Apparently someone collapsed in the mens room possible heart attack the fire department showed up while I was on the hydro bed chilling out after working outIts like you guys got this ? I'm gonna go now. Wish someone had called me earlier I woulda EMTed it up but they are already here so nothing more I can do

My Coach made me do 300 chest to the floor push ups it sucked. He said it was because when i was exhausted I would make gasps like I was in a porno. He knows I'm still 230 so after about 40 I'm gassed.

Having a coach that pushes me is nice but also brutal.

I'm so exhausted