Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Positive Relationships (R):  Reflect on the quality of interpersonal relationships in your life.  Do you have enough time with the people you care about?  Are you able to demonstrate your positive feelings toward the people you care about in your life?  What degree of support, laughter, joy, etc. do you offer and receive from these relationships?

Score Range : 0 to 10

R : 1

I have almost no positive relationships and have a near inability to have maintain or foster such relationships. I know what I am good at and the connection and relation with others isn't it. I believe this is a direct result of me having suffered damage to my first attempts at attachment. When I was born due to a situation my first few months were in a foster facility which clearly was so overrun and poorly staffed I had already learned not to bother crying since no one will ever come to aid me. By the time my mother did decide to try and raise me although due to her youth (teenage pregnancy) and a drug problem without help she wasn’t much better then total neglect since it was abusive. Being left alone or tormented on the daily by your mother who claims they “love you”.  Thus it isn’t surprising someone who started out in my situation as their operative mode finds people who wish to interact with them dubious in nature and deed.

I still see myself as the child not even a mother could love the idea that a random stranger could ever love me or truly care just seems impossible. Thus my logic is anyone’s attempt at connection must therefore be discounted out of hand as them either being: mistaken, misguided, or looking to mislead me. I am the lone wolf, I seek no comfort from others although for those I have deemed worthy I’d bleed for them. I value others’ lives above my own. I lack the capacity to have human relations and have nearly no one who cares about me thus almost every life is more important than my own. People tend to have family, friends, and people who count on them. When I am gone I won’t even be missed thus I am always at the ready to make alchemy happen and exchange my peace and life for another’s.

When I first started in BDSM and any relationships of any kind I made damn sure everyone knew I was the dom the Alpha and Omega! I don't know if it was a result of abuse of shunning myself of needing to project nothing but a fountain of strength so I was a "Dom" / "Top"  only! Women and even the first few guys I dated while figuring things out at times were shocked how even simple moments if there push back got resulted in a backlash of me wanting to break them for daring to show such insolence.

You wanted to try and top me of all people even for a second prepare for me to drive you into the ground pinning you by your throat asking you if you think this is a game filled with the fury of raging rapids. After even if they bowed there head still I felt awkward because they dared to challenge me and that itself was the only disrespect they needed to show for me to feel they didn't understand me.

Yet with age and wisdom I see that was coming from a place of insecurity of fear towards vulnerability. The moments I let go of control and started to flow with my partners I started to see a dynamic that was less force and more us. As I became more of a switch I Started to read my partner and play in the dynamic with them instead of drive them into what I wanted.

The reason why I am anxious around many doms is when I interact with them I see that they have many of those same poor tension moments when it comes to giving up control. Nothing wrong with that most my life I was there myself and I totally can understand how for some people that's what they need.

My natural desires often lead me to perfer dominate position but once I let the roles and strict expectations go, and started appreciating my lovers and what they bring to the tabel each as a unique expression of this brief moment called life. My sex and happiness was greater. 

That's when I felt I reached something higher then a title of mistress or master and gained my own appreciations for the diversity within humanity.

Ps. Don't expect if you're a Dom and you wanna be with me that I can always sub that's not how it works. It isn't a for the moment thing, sure if I'm with a Dom matching the energy will naturally cause me to bring out my subby side more but it can't cause me to alter who I am, no sex or relationship is worth that.

Love the one and only,

Icegirl  

The last blogger talked about attention from blogs I made it quite clear I am interested in dom women and women in general not dom men or men in general even though I am innately bisexual and could find either attractive.

The issue is I find it hard to have a genuine emotional connection with a man.

Yet I get usually 2-5 requests from men nearly daily when I'm on a bit yet almost no women ever.

I understand part of this is dreaded society and the social roles and expectations on women vs men.

If every woman wants to be a little chased and wanted well they gotta at least first let them know your interested I guess.

As for men I think it goes back to the dumb and dumber line so well you're telling me there is a chance.

1 in a million not goos odds and when I get so many guys giving me guff about how im bias judgmental too harsh because I don't know them yet a bully gets old. 

I already know that me saying I might be curious having sex with men and at times even want that on a physical aspect but I haven't done it for my reasons what makes the next one up think he's the one. 

I was trying to explain in class why I morally can treat people as an EMT who wouldn't want to associate with me or treat me with prejudice.

I looked for the exact right words they found me.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” MLK

If I let those who would seek to destroy me, or my light taint me then hope is lost. Only showing love and compassion even from one who would spit on me and call me enemy can I help drive out their insecure feelings.

I have always admitted to anyone who asked I was Bi/Pansexual and people used to always joke that was impossible since they only ever seen me in relationship and dating women.

I was like no it's true I just had many issues with men: an abusive father, sexist clergy, sexually abused and most of all just dealing with the fragile egos and non stop seeking to control me.

More so then a switch dom or sub I'm an alpha. I conduct my life from the stand point of confidence and taking charge. For example just last week at my job one of my managers asked me a polite request. I looked him dead in the eye and said do you like my work. He's like of course your the best, then you won't mind it when I tell you this is how I do my job, unless you're going to fire me request denied, anything else before you let me do my job without continuing the harassment.

The dude was so shocked, so taken aback he was apologizing to me for several days because he could see how pissed off I was. Generally it had to do with my unpleasant tone, with people and by people it has to do with men who find my assertiveness a threat.

I have been going through a huge moment in my life as addressed in other blogs I'm a female at birth not really different then any other but its do to a rare intersex condition. 

Knowing this my family and doctors always treated me like this was horrible wrong not how it was meant to be and really did a headcase on me.

No female or male child is born thinking they are a birth defect or shouldn't exist or should have been aborted or they are a let down.

That shit played with me most my life. Yet for me an analogy really started to help-- let's say two people are taking a trip to the same destination, one takes a airplane the other drives a car they both arrive at the same place.

Did how either one get there matter? 

So once I fully got over my issues that were instilled in me I was like hey you know what maybe that was a hidden reason I had not been with men that a subconscious part of me felt that was for women only and since I didn't want to accept myself as one that could have been an issue.

Well let me tell in the like 1 year I have been trying to see if I'm interested in men wow they been a huge let down. Be it the real life people online people all seem to have some of the same negatives.

Controlling, insecure, weak egos, liars, unemotionally supportive, aversion to eating me out, unearned confidence, less romantic and sensual then a woman, I can go on and on.

The fact is I been training in martial arts since seven and can kick though a brick and elbow though rock. I also run marathons so my fitness and strength is intense. 

Do you know how many men wanna test me? I had a boyfriend once get so angry at me he wanted to hit me but was too afraid so he picked up a chair and swung it at me. It didn't take me long to disarm him have him on the ground and asking him if he can calm down or do I need to choke him out.

Men love the arguments of yeah well you might be an mma bad ass but you can't beat Mike Tyson or some shit. You ain't Mike Tyson bitch the same way I can finish a marathon and that makes me more fit then 99.1 percentage of men when it comes to cardiovascular endurance and determination. My level of skill and dedication to the martial arts makes me able to easily defeat most guys in a fight without so much as breaking a sweat.

Can men beat me? Of course gotta be trained and it helps to have a size/strength advantage. How many of those guys exist 2% maybe 4%. Sorry to burst guys bubble having a penis doesn't grant any great benefits or magical powers sure you have the potential to be stronger then women myself included more easily but are you waking up like me at 6 am on a Sunday to go to the gym for 3 hours to start this and every day for the rest of your life. So just because your not reaching your potential don't get mad at me or try to nerf my joy of being a living walking hurricane. 

Getting to the point this so called attitude this fact that as I live and breath men feel instinctively challenged by me as if an alpha female gives a shit about how she's perceived. I live my life and I answer to no one but me.

Once guys start to realize this doesn't matter how attractive they found me they can't handle it and seke to change me to sabotage the force of womanly nature that I am.

In this last week I had an EX, a best friend who tried to have sex with me but couldn't get it up, and no less then 5 random people hitting on me either only or in real life all take issue with my decisions about my life and how I didn't or don't consider their feelings enough.

Is this a a joke, this is my life the only one I'm ever gonna get I'm gonna do what I wanna do and if I wanted to comply with said request I would but trying to order me around or bully me you just came up against an immovable object and have made me less likely to ever agree.

What I also find funny is so many talk of compromises which is usually code for do what I ask and maybe you don't have to listen to me whine and cry all the time.

I'm sick of watching my tone, of stroking frail egos, of not telling people who piss me off to go fuck themselves.

I'm not saying all men are this way! But the majority I have interactions with have been and the only thing I have to say about that is I feel sorry for heterosexual woman. I couldn't put up with it and won't.

So I think I learned enough that it wasn't me being uncomfortable with my body that led me to reject men or issues with history of sexual abuse. Nope I just don't mesh well with men and that's fucking fine everyone has different tastes. 

I hope with this blog going there and talking about how my position with experiences is evolving that I get less idiots contacting me.

If I get another guy trying to get into my panties when I explain for the god damn millionth time I'm a demisexual I need an emotional connection first even if your attractive one good conversation is not an emotional connection enough, I will be less then kind.

I am not anti-men I'm pro me, pro what I learned from my experiences and it has been men's actions that have caused me to become more comfortable with the position that unless a man is exceptional he is not worthy of my time.

I have yet to meet an exceptional man who wasn't already taken, women know not to let a good one go. 

Meanwhile I just love all women  I wanna support them and help lift all of us up. 

We face many of the same struggles and can all use more love and appreciation. 

Is this a double standard?

No doesn't the saying go bros before hoes?

Well I will support a woman any day over the generic man and I wish more women would stand together in that same ideology because the majority of men don't have our best interest at heart.

Love and peace,

Icegirl

One thing I love about this site is how fast it can take you down a rabbit hole and before you know it you've read dozens of articles on locktober the origin ( supposedly 2015 no fap boards) the spreading the adoption by the chastity community and then naturally into the BDSM community.

 I had never heard of such a thing before until this October 1st. When I saw the lock on my profile that day I was like well I'm not in a relationship right now, nor do I care to look so I will be glad to do the challenge, it isn't really much of one if you already live sorta celibate.

But then I started to think more deeply this event was started for locking men is there an equivalent ideology for females? Sure some things exist but as is discussed in the article for 24/7 locking by this own site for female bodies its impractical and perhaps even a health risk. UTIs periods the proximity of the vagina to the anus lots of problems.

So what does female locktober look like. Well for me A I am not only not going to seek but out right refuse any attempts at sexual encounter. 

If I had a person I was with in following the tradition I'd let them give me permission to access and release that part of my womanhood, but since I had no one to give the key it's kinda like an intense vow of chastity. 

Yet that's not enough to really make the month prove my devotion, no I gotta strain somehow. Reading about how the concept was to increase the bonding and dominance between male submissives and female dominants I read lots of ideas.

But very few with women. 

Yet most of them dealt with women testing, or teasing men to get them into a state of frenzy, and then having the say on if they would be allowed out to play.

How to do a similar thing as a woman. Ah well I started masturbating more frequently in the last two years after having never before ( raised Catholic and had body issues) how about I still masturbate like I typically would a couple of times a week but Instead of going until I'm satisfied which is usually 3 or more orgasms since the first one always just gets me way more horney. 

I will edge myself up to the first orgasm then stop -- no let down, no ease off it dead stop ?.

Make my body get so aroused that not orgasming is akin to suffering. Having that level of dedication self control and tolerance towards sexual denial has the power to change my mind and lust forever, sure I been and have edged before but the point is then to often have a bigger orgasm later.

Well I think 3 weeks of being edged to the brink at least 12 or so times with no orgasms will clearly lead to November starting off wet that's for sure. 

Isn't that what locktober is really about, going through an experience that is supposed to mean something and be transformative. 

So I apologize if I'm really having a tough time this month, but I think afterwards I will be sharpened for my devotion.

Thanks for making locktober a thing in my life cage. 

Quick recap I had been living for the most part as a lesbian and due to things addressed in other blogs family raised me to want to be a male although I'm not FtM, I never really got in touch with the fact I'm physically female.

As I got older though I went from being bisexual/ pansexual in theory to practice I started to find men really attractive and wanted them to have sex with me and fuck me these were brand new feelings I felt like exploring. 

My best male friend of 16 years was the first person I had these feelings for maybe because I loved him already so much or before I went away to college we spent a lot of time together. Either way I had fantasies of being with him and well last month I finally got the chance to act on it.

A warning to other ladies before you get too excited about someone wait and see if they are sexually compatible because the experience I'm about to share was so disappointing I'm still kinda recovering from the shock. 

First when I showed up he was timid and scared to go for it even though he had been talking dirty to me for months. I mean was he lying all this time, did he not want me, I mean thats why I went to visit in the first place.

Granted what happens next is where i kinda messed up I shoulda just left but I started crying about him being a liar and how we can stay friends but he better kiss my pussy goodbye since he ain't ever gonna see it sexually.

I don't know if it was the tears or the fact he realized how much I loved him to be that upset, or something about how my make up starting to run as I was so distraught.

But he was like ice I love you lets go to bed and see what happens. I was insistent I don't want pity sex just leave me be, you made it quite clear you perfer your hand to a flesh and blood woman who loves you.

But no he agreed and slowly my sadness turned to some excitement so I went to his bed and he started undressing me and caressing me and I started to nibble on his neck and whisper sweet nothings in his ear he decided he wanted to try and mount me so he threw me down on the bed and ripped me panties off all going good so far but then the trouble started.

He was so outta shape him trying to mount my tiny comparative frame was hard for him he was like pushing off the walls i could see him struggle I offered to change positions but I think it hurt his pride so he said ice shut up i got this.

Then as he was getting ontop he like threw his back out and screamed in pain. Seriously you can't make this shit up. I was like are you ok?

He was whimpering but now finally he said lets try something different so i got into a cat position by the edge of the bed and he tried to have sex with me but he was so far and his dick so below average it could barely make contact without his belly pushing me over like oh my fucking god seriously. 

Then after that he went so limp he was disgusted at his performance but then he remembered he had cock rings that he thought could help get him up me I was ready to end the misery but fine whatever try that then.

I was so agitated because this was my first time trying to be with a guy and I loved him but my god this was so pathetic I wanted to keep from crying again for a whole new reason.

Then he beat his own penis with the cock ring even though i offered to help seeing his struggle to get hard wasn't a turn on at all it was like yawn now I see why women partners are just so much better sometimes.

Then I was like honestly we can be sexual without your dick I can teach you some tricks I have done with women. 

He got so defensive I'm not one of your bitches ice I'm a man and I can do this. Well apparently he couldn't and he was so frustrated I decided to offer to give him a blow job since he was so distraught at his performance I felt almost obligated to give him a consolation prize.

He loved it because I really have a strong oral fetish and thus know how to work my mouth tongue and lips really well women give you alot of experience with the proper suction and tension. 

It didn't take long he barely lasted a few minutes his early ejaculation from it didn't even give me much oral pleasure literally it takes more licks to get to the center of a Tootsie pop.

He then was tired so he kinda just went to bed. I was like ahem what about me. He had the audacity to be like oh well you can just masturbate.

I was like excuse me why not eat me out or at least play with my breasts or something. He was like ice my back hurts and well I just orgasmed so now I'm tried and relaxed.

I literally couldn't believe it was happening he was just such a shit bag stereotype. In what universe is this desirable.

I never had a female partner be so unable to offer any real joy or enjoyment back. He was just a selfish outta shape bore that to be honest I would have been better off leaving it in the land of make believe because this idiot still wants us to have benefits.

Like are you kidding me yeah its a benefit to you but for me it was little more then the worst sex I've ever had since I loved him and now I know if rather be hit with a bus then do that again. 

This is a message to the fellas as of right now I haven't had any women really message me with sexual intensity what does that say.

Guess as I have surmised In life I am neither dom enough for most sub women or submissive enough for most dom women.

Shit me being 5'8" and able to kick through brick and lift up a 150 pound person and walk with em already puts me at a disadvantage with most dom women. I am also too independent alpha and not likely to bend to there whim. I have had plenty of sub men and slaves contact me, so if that's what dom Women expect they ain't gonna be happy with me that I'll tell yeah. 

But dom men have the audacity to keep saying if you were only a sub or your tits are amazing too bad your not a sub or don't be afraid of being with me When I bring out your inner sub for all eternity.

Although I can see for them, the idea of breaking me or guiding me into my " natural" role is one of the reasons I guess they message me in the first place.

Yet all it does is waste both our times and gets me frustrated. 

You know how badly I'd like someone to play with? It just sucks to constantly hear sorry babe your not house broken enough for me. 

Call it fate destiny whatever I love who I am, and don't plan on changing it. I figure one day someone will love me for me or maybe I just end up a dryed up pussy and reflect on my life if only I was a phony liar I might have gotten some sexual gratification.

But for me Im handicapped when it comes to relationships, I want someone to try and love and accept me for the person I am integrity as an attractive quality what a dope. 

I was looking at Alawey's heartfelt letter and was like wow this person writes very deep but not ever having a sibling or much family all I could do was offer my thoughts, this is why the blog is starting out this way.

However as I read on I disagree with the thought that I am not broken. Some people might believe that the only way to heal is to 100% bounce back and or "be themselves again" yet is that possible?

Take for a moment a person who goes blind can they drive again? No there eyesight is forever broken but that doesn't mean they can't adapt evolve and become something better for there current situation  even if its an adaptation to being broken. 

Ways that I have been broken:

My ability trust

My ability to hope

My ability to love myself

My ability to fall in love

My ability to not be jaded as sin

My ability to ask for help

My ability to see the world as anything but cruel 

I am not broken with glee, but my scars on my flesh and memories that torment me nightly with such intensity at times I wake mid scream and freak my dog our or my roommates tells me this is who I am now and the foreseeable future. 

I accept my reality, it became me not because of a want or whimsy it was a painful life that rooted through my brain contorting me into this current configuration.

I am ok with it. I'd rather admit me I'm damaged goods that someone has to take on as is with no or little expectations, then pretend to be complete in box and therefore lie wasting everybody's time. 

Who doesn't have moments when being alone just doesn't cut it?

A physical ache so pained with loneliness even as one attempts to quell the passion thur self indulgence your filled with a greater sense of longing from the lack of belonging and isolation. 

Nearly every time I reach a certain point in my cycle I can feel my body is primed to be used. There is debate on if human females have heat well this has gotta be damn near it because right now my body is going through agony.

Will anyone ever satiate me, or is the throes of struggling with abject misery part of-- the carnal feral female. 

When I am this the smells of flesh (males especially) is soothing, the odor both comforting and a calling. One of my lesbian girlfriends used to joke she couldn't let me leave the house unattended. 

As if her having me collared on a leash coulda stopped me, if I didn't want to be beside her wholeheartedly. ?

I'm not the kinda lady who'd jump someone at first opportunity. 

I am not nor are we animals, we can counter such longings with logic but is it wanted or warranted? 

Right now I'm painfully unattended so perhaps I do need someone to ensure I don't take it too far. 

I want a beautiful: woman or man to ravage me till my mind leaves my body and all that is left is a quivering pussy pleeding for more. How can this possibly be to much to ask. 

Will no one put to bed my sexual frustration, at least give me the duration of one good night sleep ?