Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I saw these on someones blog and had to respond if it touched you in someway leave a comment. 

Take a long hard deep brutally honest look into yourself... Specifically your wants, needs, desires and fantasies. And be brutally honest. 

I tend to always be honest, but often I don't share my Truth. 

Embrace what you found out. Even those deep dark fantasies.

None of my fantasies are that dark to the general public, or this community yet some are much for me I will explain soon in the last part

Probably the hardest... communicate your wants needs desires and fantasies. 

My most common fantasy is the thing I deprived myself the most to be with a male, or extremely dom female and have them border line break me.

I have domed so many women over the years, and as such have seen from the other side the mix of pleasure pain and total contentment.

Collars with a leash-- being dragged around and forced to eat the master or mistress out for being naughty. Doing a poor job because I'm too excited, getting hand cuffed,  chained  or tied in a vunerable postion as I am whipped beaten bit scratched slapped then teased and edged to tears.

Then when I think that sex is finally gonna come my way, No! leave me in a state of total duress and need, make me beg like my body has begged me for years to swallow my pride, and experience the other side in true submissive fashion. 

Then do some freaky thing you like that pushes me, I don't care choke me, pull my hair, slap my face with your cock or dildo, plug my ass, things that normally would make me kinda angry you'd even think of doing-- but in this moment when I'm in full submission i6ts part of accepting the process that ego isn't what it's about but service passion, and receveing intense love attention from you. 

Then after that you better fuck me till I cant walk! 😇

If you lack the decency to brake my pussy a bit, then don't bother. I fucked myself in a shower with a suction cup dildo before till my feet gave out. My own body fluids mixed with the shower water slowly ran down my face. If a god damn 14 dollar dildo brings more joy then you I'm not interested in some dollar store dom. 

Show me what it feels like to be raveged to the point I barely recognize myself in the mirror. I will wait for the one who's got what it takes to tame this lioness, if even for one night.

If you don't you will always be left unfulfilled...unsatisfied and left wanting.

This is what I expect, that it will never be fulfilled since I barely have the courage to interact with people and say what I want. Since I been back posting for the last two months zero people have seen me in real life-- so yeah not hopeful. Additionally as for people I know who are interested in me that  how do I even say I'm so god damned wild about sex? 

They see this sweet nerdy almost saint. 

I am a post bac pre med, i work as an EMT  I volunteer to tutor underprivileged kids  I assist search and rescue and go on missions to save people. I am the first person many of my friends turn to when they need a hand, and they have seen me in the past totally take women and make them my bitches.

So how do I show anyone the otherside of me? This side that is in dire need. 

Could anyone at all ever see or appreciate one of the real reasons I am so good at doming/ topping is that beneath my eyes in my soul I have at one time or another had all these fantasies for myself and more I dare not speak. 

I have lived vicariously through the persons I have been with and getting some reflected joy.

Even admitting this at all I feel my eyes welling up to expose such sensitive matters. I think it will never happen, but secretly want for a hero to set me free from the past and open me up to new horizons and possiblities-- to finally be completed.

I can't just top anymore it's why I haven't even been with anyone for a few years. I need my sub desires filled so I can once again top without contempt in my heart or resentment for others having that which I have craved and flaunting it in front of me. 

I have had men and some women ask a variant of why don't you pick a side, or just admit to yourself what you really are.

It gets tiresome since in this community accepting people and there kinks are a part of it.

I am a switch! 

Many men have said well I would find you attractive but not if your a switch or ever seek to dom me. Well then don't even waste your time talking to me. A request such as that is akin to saying I'd find you attractive if you were only a fish. Sorry can't change what you are for another persons preferences.

For me my first sexual experiences were as a hard dom top that leaned into primal and finding out what my partner liked and attempting to make that come true no matter how intense.

Pinning women to the wall by their throats as I fuck them suspended off the floor, rape play, bondage, sensation, all sorts of toys the end result after exploring her body ended up with letting me fucking them like an animal until they couldn't handle me.

Nothing feels quite as good as when your partner is fucked so good they pretty much pass out on you.

Sorry fellas one thing that helps dom women is no dick limitations and since I can run ultra marathons once I put my harness on you literally can't keep up as long as me and I don't gotta worry about what she likes since we can swap in whatever she fancies. 🤣

I enjoyed this aspect of my life and many of my female partners enjoyed it fuck yeah its awesome. 

However as I got older as I admitted before I started to get jealous of the women I was with.  It takes so much effort and energy to dom/ top as hard as I did, I saw the extreme pleasure I imparted and I become so jealous it made me almost resenting sometimes Id end a session in tears and let them believe the lie its because of the emotional connection. Nah it was the sexual frustration of never getting that level of passion reciprocating. 

My inner bitch was like yeah being the alpha wolf isn't the inky side to you. 

Admitting that I need the same in-kind at times or at least someone bringing the passion to me, has been one of the hardest things in life.

We are not monolithic I am not a contradiction I'm just being honest.

Would I love to to give the power up to some man or women to just let me totally relax go with the flow and serve my lover as there canvas to work on. Do I wanna feel the joy and soreness l have impressed upon other women as my body convulses from so many orgasms that I am reduced to curling up like doll. 

Seems like a good way to end a day once in awhile if you ask me.

As for men and their concerns of being domed by a woman I am not here to sell you on it but say you might wanna consider that it's not as bad as it seems. 

In the movies James Bond often dates scientists military women counter spys and some of them aren't just weak women who need a protector. Many are confident fit and ready to go toe to toe so clearly the idea of the amazon woman still exists in our society.

What do you think it looks like?

I will tell you we start making out and maybe you are or aren't in the mood I ask if you mind if I go for it since I wouldn't do anything without consent. Then I tackle you to the ground ripping your clothing off. If you attempt to resist I will with every fiber of my body control your resistance and then put you in a position where you realize I have more power then you thought and your not letting me anymore I'm taking it from you. 

I might then lick your face or bite your neck / lip in a display of dominance. If you want out just say the safe word if not I might go into a sixtynine position and force my pussy in your face and demand you eat me out if you want me to suck you at all if you refuse the fair exchange then I will just have to out right sit on your face and make you eat me out if you want to breath do it bitch! 

Then when I am wet enough and or your hard enough i6 start to mount you and keep your ass pinned to the floor and ram my entier body into you and use my inner muscles to clamp on your cock and try to rip every last drop of cum outra you. 

Does that seem so horrible?  What, you are afraid I will do you in the ass with a strap on? Well that's the second time we are together hahaha 🤣.

Realistically I love making people happy if someone is really uncomfortable with something I couldn't do it period as someone who has been in those positions I respect peoples limits. Also doing things people don't want aint my thing nor should it really be anyones. 

I say men shouldn't mind death by snu snu, if you don't know the reference look up Futurama.

As for the women and non-binary people who are like hey Icegirl why the hell aren't you addressing me. Well let's not lie your already my type and I am totally comfortable being with you. 

Submissive women and non-binary are amazing 😍 it often never works out though because the times when I just need to put my alpha energy on the shelf kinda breaks the illusion of me being a pure dom.

One of the women I loved most and totally was into me saw me in a moment of vulnerability and shes like WOW I never knew you as a pussy before it's odd to see you like this.

With tears in my eyes and my heart on my sleeve I told her that I still loved her but I can't always be what she needs me to be. Call it my cycle, my moods, my personality, I am not a rock I am a complicated humean and am more like the wind. I can be a hurricane, or a cool breeze just looking to be harnessed.

As for dom women this is the most interesting group since I also have little experience with em as sexual partners. Since if your 5'8" and strong enough to lift over 300 pounds run marathons and can kick through a brick people just assume your a dom/ top 24/7. Or maybe thats what I was busy projecting.

Either way I'd love to have a dom woman top me the couple of times it happened in my life has been the most memorable sex I ever had but I was so uncertain of what it meant for me I ran from it.

As far as submissive men and or slaves of any sort. The issue is me being a switch not that I don't find many of you awesome and attractive but that you can only ever fill one of my needs. I just don't see the benefit of trying to make you do something for my needs your not comfortable with. Believe it or not I respect you so much I will try not to waste your time because I know my inability to always be top/dom has hurt many relationships in the past.  You might say yeah ice but can't you at least have a hook up with us. Well for me sex can become spiritual and deeply emotional once I bond with someone its really hard to just stay detached. It makes it odd for me I'm sorry.

I just told you who I am why I'm a switch.

Wanna tell me how you feel about it?

How do you think a switch can work in BDSM. 

Love ya,

Icegirl 

I don't know why it is but when I am about to go to sleep or just waking up I am so sexually receptive.

My guard is down some at that time, I guess I'd just like to relax with someone I love Sadly I have gone years and years without. 

If all of a sudden someone came into my life to free me of this burden of loneliness and sexual frustration.

Is it so wrong to wanna be penterated by more then just a dildo or your own hands.

Why pay attention to a leacture about the health consequences of stress when I can blog instead.

In reality all the stuff is in the book anyway I only go to leacture because attendance counts.

I was working out for 2 hours this morning and then walked my dog so started my day with 3 hours of physical activity its not anywhere near enough plan to walk my dog another two plus I have taekwondo so that will be 6 hours today!

I was lost I gave up on myself and my body I am now gonna push as hard as this body can to get back to who I am meant to be. 

Can't wait till I'm strong enough to pin someone to the wall and fuck them again. 

In my blog I have been very open to all, perhaps too honest. Yet as much as I am ready to explore a new aspect of myself my body and my sexuality that doesn't mean I am ready for someone to just totally rock my world.

Just because my body is aching for a man or Dom lesbian to explore new frontiers. The first person I am choosing to be with has gotta be at least someone I'm compatible with,and kinda friendly seems reasonable yes. 

I have had an insane life, in part because of the worlds misunderstanding of intersex conditions. I am publicly outting myself even on a place of fantasy and fun because I am tired of feeling like I have to be or should be ashamed. 

I have two rare conditions I have CAIS and persistent mullerian ducts. Long story short everyone who knows that XY equals boy and XX = girl. Oh they are right in 89,999 cases of male births, but that one in 90,000 the Y chromosome fails and you have a child that develops as a normal cis female.

I for intersex awareness day, October, 26th I am going to do a presentation to my health class. I don't have to but I know that the misunderstanding around intersex needs to end so visibility is important. 

Intersex isn't like other things that often get lumped into with the LGBTIQQAA+ community. There's over 40 different intersex conditions not simple like gay - means men who like men. This is why many intersex advocates think intersex shouldn't be in the community at all, especially individuals who like me have typical bodies. 

Here's an experts most recent report on people with my condition, and the way they worded it just brought me to tears for hours. 

"People with CAIS are genetically male – 46, XY (instead of 46, XX) – but in every other way, they are female. 

When an egg is fertilised, the sperm determines the gender of the child, so this is already decided by the time we start growing in the womb. All babies are by default female.

CAIS is an interruption in the growing process when the foetus would ordinarily be changing from the default girl into a boy. What you end up with in CAIS, for all intents and purposes, is a woman.

Women who have 46, XY chromosomes are almost always heterosexual with female gender identity. " 

let's go through some key points. CAIS genetically male. That's correct I have a Y chromosome and yet, it doesn't function so its like why is it even there! 

In every other way they are female. I used to freak out because all though my life I had moment after moment rubbed in my face-- I'm just another woman.

Periods, the same bone density and structure, the same organ placement, a god damn uterus. Shit the most recent moment I went to a store for running shoes and they did a foot 3 D scanner to try and find my best fit for my height weight pressure yadda yadda.

I ended up within 1% variance for a woman of my size and height but would have to go to a shoe 28% smaller then a mans average for my body. My feet which I always felt were kinda big for a 5'8" athletic woman is on average smaller then the typical woman of my height. Why moments like this always make me cry 😭 I have no idea but I'm tried of getting triggered by the obvious I have a normal female body. 

All through my life the fact I'm AFAB has just slapped me in the face. It is silly, why do I get so worked up over a chromosome that doesn't function.  Physically I'm female and I love being female I need to stop making it weird. 

All babies are by default females-- is a part of what's known as developmental science. The fact is it's the androgen testosterone that causes the fetus to start masculinization. Without it you get me, or any other female child.

Because of society and my own bias there was a time when I was like damn I wish I could be male. Yet unlike other cis women who can transition and to an extent appear male with treatments. CAIS women lack the capacity. Another way to think of it is at the moment when the CAIS woman was most primed to develop masculine qualities the body lacked the capacity. 

The door to masculinity is closed so CAIS women we are locked into extremely feminine bodies, infact it's known that many are models because of this fact.

A CAIS woman could take more hormones then a linebacker and it would just actually make us more feminine because the body can't process testosterone. Yet testosterone breaks down into estrogen thus you just actually gave the CAIS woman more estrogen.

 In the normal female population there is an occurrence of 10-15 percentage homosexuality. There have been many studies as to why this occurs and some of the research has pointed to testosterone either being higher or a person's body being more receptive to it.

The way they studied this in XX women is by looking at CAIS women who are over 99% heterosexual and comparing the two to see whats different.

I have felt so uncomfortable fessing up to being a typical female.

Yet as I have grown and listened to my body it's broken me down to literally get on me knees and pray for strength.

I am by nature extremely feminine and I do find both men and women attractive. Yet I need masculine energy in my life. The more someone can tare me up and leave my pussy aching that's what I want.

I have been working on acceptance my entier life. Finally once and for all I accept my body and my desires are feminine.  I can't change what I am  and although I may not be heterosexual persay any female I'm with better be able to bring it hard I am not interested in feminine women. I find men and extremely butch women attractive. 

Thanks for reading 

I had tried to think of a way to express these thoughts multiple times. I grew up in an American society that gave me all the messages I was wrong even my family expected and encouraged me to be masculine or transition from a female.

So much of how we try to understand people is based on stereotypes. I loved martial arts tree climbing rock climbing building computers programing hanging with males well isn't it obvious we got ourselves a young man in the wrong body.

These sorts of messages at such a critical age made me myself think yeah I must not be female look at other females while they are worried about sleepovers when they can gossip or wear make up I'm gonna be going over my friends where we are going to try and fix up a gokart so we can race around his property.

Our society does have a word for females like me a tomboy yet because of the messages i kept getting from my family and other people Intereacted with I felt it went deeper I mean I was simply too cool n bad ass to be a female.

I remember the first time i rode a motorcycle lane splitting doing nearly 115 miles an hour through New York City traffic swimming through gracefully like a dolphin on waves. I did think to myself the only good part of being a female is this motorcycle vibrating me as i drive my hips into it and continue racing for the highest adrenaline spike I could mainline.

Reflection that stereotypes caused me to inadvertently denigrate myself, to vilify the feminine aspects n desires I did display as an aberration of who I am.

To see those qualities as if they were dangerous n somehow would taint me and cause me to become some fucking gross stepford wife with little more personality then a doormat.

I regret I felt I had no one to guide me or talk to that I can be am alpha tomboy, while also perfectly comfortable being a woman. I always loved bond girls the sexy cool take no shit attitude many intelligent talented and willing to go on a dangerous adventure.

I guess I felt boxed into only one way to be. I love my femininity and am glad I'm on the team that could probably use a little more bad girls like me. 

I gotta get used to as I'm losing weight, being attractive to others again, although this time its harder as I don't have a total shit personality to navigate these situations n repellent to humans. 

Just now went to get a chicken sandwich from Burger King after Martial arts. 

The cashier was on the phone I smiled at her and shes like what you looking at. All angry 😡💢

I said I think its cool your on the phone, fuck burger king she had an ear peice in talking to a friend. 

She laughed and as she looked at me says "you have pretty piercing eyes!" 

I said "I know they are one of the rarest eye colors you'll ever see they are gray."

 She leans out the window almost touching my face staring deeply into my eyes saying I have the most beautiful eyes she ever seen.

I smile n thank her and say "well you have a nice laugh she blushes, I and remind her to hand me back my debit card. 😋" 

She then asked if I live around here I say sorta have a beautiful day I gotta go. 

https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-the-rarest-eye-color-5087302

Just wrote this letter to my best female friend.

I know I have always been biologically a woman but if I think logically about this my feminine nature being incorporated as a part of my identity is so difficult n unpleasant I m deeply vexed. 

One my issues with sex with men the violent incident made me sware that off entirely. For awhile the thought of even a guy being interested would make me visibly sick also why I put on the weight to make it so no guy ever would want lust for me the same way my attcker did. 

I might still be bisexual but my preference has switched as I stopped repressing my bodies natural impulses. I have felt such urgency n interest in men that even as an atheist it made me wanna get on my hands n knees n curse god for making me this way n putting these feelings in my heart. 

Even with all the women I loved before, one being a woman I was engaged to I had never felt such painful lust. Joining other women in having this as a part of me has been not something I wanted or could predict. 

My first real crush Jay is finally interested in me in after 2 years of making my interest known to him. According to past him he didn't think I was mentally or sexually mature before n he hated the idea it could hurt our relationship. Also he was working on himself as well. 

Yet theres a big hurdel he likes sexually agressive confident women.

 Oh yeah why not ask me to build my own car while your at it. A raped sexually abused female who didn't even wanna belive they could ever accommodate a man has to bring the sexual spark. 

Yeah I'm naturally assertive and with women I enjoy being the agressor but my first time ever with a guy if I want Jay I can't just be a pillow princess or supportive. 

Nope I gotta dig deep n get him going by summoning the willpower to push through my own insecurities n mental anguish. 

I can't believe my first willing time with a man when he knows I only even started masturbating last year hed put that on me. But such is life the same way I didn't want an interest in men he can't help the type of female he prefers.

Having the proper hormones while being sexually stimualting has caused me to have regular more painful longer periods.  

For better or worse it was quite common to maybe only have 1-4 periods a year n maybe they would last a day or two.

I had blaimed it on getting covid because when I did I had the worst period in my adult life. But it also coincidentally was around the time I started being more solo sexual. 

Since then every 20 or so days for 3-4 days. It got so bad I think I told you once ron (male roommate) confronted me about puting panties I kinda got dirty that way in the regular laundry. 

It's like damn makes sense but I don't even wanna think about having periods at all now I have to be mindful. 

Also due to the shortage In May of supplies nationally I bought period panties.

So I had to change my life to accommodate my blossoming body. 

I had to accept n greive that I would probably like to be a mother infact the last nail in the coffin in me n rons ever being more than friends was when he mocked n jokingly said how great it is im sterile because he wouldn't want a kid n if I ever get sexual with him that makes me greater then most women. 

I looked him dead in the eye and said "did you ever think about all the comments n jokes just as a defense mechanism due to what was done to me you peice of shit you wanna never have a kid get your balls clipped.".

I continued "Oh n by the way you got 3 idiot sons if I want kid be it adopted, donated egg, or otherwise you can go fuck yourself, you don't gotta say in my life old man." 

He's like you never talked like that before whats going on? Looking stupidly confused. 

This is evolution, you don't like it fuck you. 

My mantra for all people who don't accept me breaking my bondage to the past. 

Its amazing how many doms on here think they can handle me then within a couple of conversations they tend to be like bitch your way too much.

My favorite comment so far is" Hun you can kill a boner made outta concrete".

For those who know me or I shared any part of my life with you know this is true.

I am not simply in my situation due to nerves n anxiety I faced a Truama filled life have PTSD and don't need people walking in acting like a simple snap of there fingers bang solved