Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I honestly wish my family simply waited. When I was born I was put in an orphanage not because I was the product of a rape to a young mother that would almost seem reasonable.

But because I was born a female yet I had enough ambiguity of my genitals that my family and doctors had enough to discuss. My mom decided to keep me but She wanted a male child and they obliged. I was cut on and made to appear male sure it didn't function couldn't pee standing up and I had no testicles but it was good enough for my mother to pretend she had a son.

The beatings from her my father and grandma were enough to make me in general stop questioning but I knew something was wrong. My mom's go to was always I'm male on the outside and female on the inside.

When I found out though I was at female at birth and what they did everything finally clicked it made sense to me oh it was a great big unbelievably horrible misunderstanding.

Sadly my family didn't approve of me being healthy they tried to argue pretending to be a male even if I couldn't have sexual pleasure or really pass for one was still better then publicly living as a woman I disagreed and on that day lost my family to be myself.

I'm physically female in every way yet I still feel somehow uncomfortable when my body has perfectly natural desires. My body freaks me out with just how much a human could want to be fucked. 

Right now a combination of my cycle reaching the ovulation point and my loneliness I'd do anything for a butch female or even a guy to fuck me senseless.

I tried my hardest my entire life to resist my own natural feelings and desires but the longer I do the more akin it feels to trying deprive a fish from water. 

The longing mixed with raw pleading for having the feeling of being absorbed and filled with someones love force.

I often only feel like this a few days a month but even so that ads to roughly 50 days a year i need and want sex so bad it leaves me in tears and makes me feel worthless for both not having the courage to pursue what I want and the stubbornness not to adapt to these legitimate aspects of my personality.

Friends who know me sometimes worry about my self inflicted celibacy. Many people have offered to take care of my need but the idea of a friend even a good one after trying it once proves that idea too risky. 

It was so much easier when it was just for fun and casual but I'm at an age now where meaningless sex lost its thrill. I want to be loved by someone adored and to do that to happen means i'll have to get comfortable with my inner bitch and entertain the notion that someone can love me for me. 

Sure I might only feel like this but a few days here or there but when I do the lack of union is tantamount to abuse. 

As you all know I lost over 40 pounds in 5 months so if it ain't school or work its been GYM! 

Today though while I was in my cool down a planet fitness hydro bed i start to see flashing lights kinda like emergency vehicles. My time is about done and i wipe the equipment to see what's up and the front desk clerk is in a panic apparently someone collapsed in the men's room possible heart attack!

I saw the fire men rushing in asked if they needed any extra hands since I'm trained and employed as an EMT and they were like we got this.

I was like well hes not my patient so I better just go get outta of the way got a good photo of the fire truck right infront of my planet fitness and put it on my Facebook.

It just feels surreal since I been an EMT as emergencies start to break out usually someone calls for help and I immediately run over and see what i can do sometimes tell people to get my emergency medicine bag and equipment from the car and call 911.

Or theres times im in the ambulance showing up and handling it. This was the first time in forever I was just sitting in a hydro bed listening to music after running for 12 miles chilling and shit was apparently going down right behind me and I never knew at all.

I have told the manager and assistant manager I'm an EMT but this guy hes just here on Sunday had no clue I guess but man I wish he came and got me I feel so bad I couldn't help this guy.

With a heart attack sometimes mintues are the difference between life and death and yeah who do you want trying to help him the freaked out 19 year old who's practically in tears or the EMT who's gone on hundreds of calls already?

Sigh ? I just feel sad that something I love doing being a apart of the action and saving lives just passed me by today. 

I hopes he's okay. 

Apparently someone collapsed in the mens room possible heart attack the fire department showed up while I was on the hydro bed chilling out after working outIts like you guys got this ? I'm gonna go now. Wish someone had called me earlier I woulda EMTed it up but they are already here so nothing more I can do

My Coach made me do 300 chest to the floor push ups it sucked. He said it was because when i was exhausted I would make gasps like I was in a porno. He knows I'm still 230 so after about 40 I'm gassed.

Having a coach that pushes me is nice but also brutal.

I'm so exhausted 

I saw a question about where does this come from?

I figured isn't it obvious? It comes from out inner spirit, and the person writing talked about being vanilla until.

Here's the thing I believe everyone has a little kink in them at minimum but a combination of: religion, society, and our own self shame, with fear of judgement compel us to be disingenuous of what we want.

My first sexual fantasy came when i was a child somewhere between 12-14  I remember watching the space jam movie and wanting to be lola bunnie having sex with bugs bunny⁉️?

It was like where the hell did any of that even come from! I didn't even think of true physical sex before let alone graphically and clearly.

I always liked buggs a ton his charming quick wit, his sense of humor, his ability to get outta any sticky situation, his confidence, I had always thought of him as just the coolest! I had a crush on a cartoon character for awhile but I never thought of him as male or having sex with him he was just a cool Warner brothers character I liked clearly too much... 

When I saw him desire a female for certain attributes I was like woah that's awesome and sexy wouldn't it be cool to have the attention and affection of buggs? 

Did I want to get into henti, or comic porn or want to have sex with a cartoon rabbit. Hell no! I don't even now liking to admit I find males of any sort attractive, my feelings were inside me waiting for a moment to strike.

I am not proud of admitting it but I think we all should strive to be more honest with others and ourselves. Note by seeing the large online sexy fandoms around cartoons and video game character a I must not be alone in it being a kink. 

I think BDSM in much the same way. We all are more complicated and varied then possibly known and once something speaks to us we can choose to shun it, or embrace it. I personally believe we should embrace the truth more, not only would we be happier but those around us would be as well. Since repressing leads to anxiety. 

We are only sure of one spin on this planet let's make it a blast for us and those around us who we love. Be cool with your weird it is what makes you unique and ultimately interesting. 

Best,

Icegirl 

I have anxiety around the fact I might soon have sex with a guy. Since biologically my stupid female body makes me crave it at times.?

I have been fairly transparent about my feelings and experiences. The majority of my life I tried to pretend it was all just one horrible dream but sadly each day I wake up it's just another day.

I had mentioned how I have been exclusively with women but recently I almost had sex with my best guy friend of 15 years but due to him having ED issues he couldn't get it up.

Ultimately this was like taking a sledgehammer to the 15 years and we now have a shitty strained relationship that ultimately I don't believe can survive.

That's the context for this in the moment I was aroused for him I felt my body so strongly respond hormonally I don't even know if I was thinking at all .

When it wasn't happening I was in tears and shaking violently from the frustration that permeated every fiber and cell of my being.

When a woman who had swore off men goes face down ass up and is grinding her lips driving her hips into your cock praying for you to get it in her.

That does not seem like the state of someone who's spent an entire life convinced she's a lesbian. 

I had always said to people I was bisexual but am 95% 5% I find like almost every woman attractive in some way but I'm only into a small select group of guys.

Yet what hurt so much is that when I did find a guy attractive I not only behaved so differently I just didn't have any control the way I have with women the raw desire too strong it completely overwhelmed my sanity.

Does this mean if I find a guy attractive I'm more attracted to him then any woman?

I don't want the answer but this is one if the reasons I'm just done talking to guys who find me attractive at all. 

I once had a girlfriend who realized when I was in my ovulation window I couldn't go out without her or I had to stay in the house.

I thought it was abit much but now I see sorta what she saw in me but I felt it my body totally would love a guy to fill me with his seed during certain times of the month and she just determined that by how I would dance talk and touch guys.

Since I don't ever wanna make this mistake again until I have a girlfriend caring enough to keep me away from guys I gotta do it myself. 

Today I worked 8pm-4am and on two hours of sleep got up to go to physical therapy, after walked my dog 50 minutes, then went to college, then jogged a half marathon with a 40 pound backpack on, then took a final exam online (95 in the class) then walked my dog again 1 hr 30 minutes, then went to taekwondo now making dinner while I am having a briefing for a search and rescue mission I am going to be a part of over zoom, then going to do homework and studying until I have to go to sleep.

It feels good to know you given life 100%

Someone posted that on my blog the other day and instead of making just a remark to them they inspired this writing.

I have not had a real relationship for 5-7 years. I part because other then short flings I am willing to wait to find someone who fills my needs totally that person is worth it.

May it take a while to find them might I never find them sure maybe but id rather wait for my unicorn then settle with a troll. 

Why I am at the best place in my life.

I have done more soul searching in the last 6 weeks then I have my last 10. My issue where I considered Jay was important because it ended  considering Cis Hetro males or Transmasculine people who put out cis het vibes for intimacy. This concern exited since up until 13 I was raised as “male” being given FtM treatments for my intersex condition against my will. So a question existed did I discount “men” because I’m a lesbian or because of how I was raised. Yet having reality collide made it quite clear it wasn’t how I was raised!

Why did it take till my mid 30’s to figure this out I Had a hard time even accepting myself as human because of how I was treated. Family abuse and having medical professionals apologize for me being female and or calling me trans by mistake so a non stop need to keep educating people made me wonder how can I have or be a “female” when was the last time a female you met go to the ER for a possible broken wrist have residents taking photos of their privates.

Realizing I let my life even for a moment break my spirit showed up visually drastically by me putting on over 100 pounds of emotional eating when previously I had been running marathons and doing professional combat level martial arts I could barely walk up steps without getting winded.
What kept me alive through the suffering was a sense I had to change the medical health system for trans and intersex people fundamentally so others don’t have to get broken like I was.

Working as an EMT I was in an accident on route to transfer a cancer PT to long term care when I was in an accident a combination of the speed my weight and poor car of the unit I had a tear that caused me to be bedridden for nearly 3 months. This was the start of me having the time to work on myself but I still didn’t believe I had the capacity to heal since with a life so crazy how could it be possible. Then I realized thanks to some choice people If I went though it and I’m still here I have the opportunity to write a new chapter in my life and turn the page on who I was into who I want to be manifest finally.

I had always been an activist but took good intention to avoid Intersex issues because I didn’t want to be a public face. Too afraid I was unstable and would be a bad role model I’m imperfect and still at times had thought of suicidal ideation figuring that once I got to live to see intersex genital mutilation in the United States the one dream I lived for achieved I wouldn’t have anything to live for anymore.

But in part because of the injury I had to have a bone density scan it ended up coming back normal for a woman in there 30’s. This is not remarkable for someone with my condition since  “People with CAIS are genetically male – 46, XY (instead of 46, XX) – but in every other way, they are female. “ I always wanted to compete in martial arts but held myself back worried that somehow my intersex status would be used against me. I have had to watch other trailblazers get to go out and live dreams I held back from. But why the issues people cite ( testosterone advantage ) I produce zero and even if I did my condition I can’t use it Bone density nope. So the only hold up now is getting into elite athlete shape LETS FUCKING GO!  

Feeling fired up about something I always wanted to but never had the courage has me realizing its ok to do things I want on the way to being a medical provider. I don’t have to stay hidden anymore I’m awesome I love me and what I have done and what I will be able to achieve. I am more than a label But I don’t mind if people need some to define me: Honest, sincere, disciplined, Intersex, Female sex, Non-binary gender, demisexual, lesbian, activist, pacifist, Intelligent, atheist, Buddhist, these labels and more can be used but really lets face it when your dealing with the one and only A.K. let’s not worry about labels I sure as hell don’t.
Thanks and love to all.     

I am technically pansexual but I have never yet been with a guy even though I'm in my 30's!

Why? Simple more then pansexual I'm demisexual which means I need a deep emotional connection with someone before I view them as a sexual partner.

The only guy I even attempted with was my best friend J who I knew for 15 years first and we ended up not having penterative sex and I view even attempting it with him as a mistake because it hurt our friendship. 

Why when I have been clear about this do I keep getting men coming at me sexually especially right off the bat?

You might argue well you mentioned fantasies with a guy thats true but that would have to be one special guy for me to attempt with and as of right now I am father from believing thats a thing as possible.

Additionally switch means just that I'm not a sub so if a guy wants to be with me unless your open to me chaining you to a wall whipping the shit outta you then fing or plugging your butt and having you down on your hands and knees collared worshipping me as the goddess I can be then don't bother! I am not a sub and in most aspects of my life I'm an alpha female that has an intensity yet sincerity that blows people away.

I have thus far only dommed people and have been curious about exploring something different if you have a problem with that not being my idenity good move along.

I'm tired of having to say the same thing every few days. 

I spent the good first part of my sexuality only doming and thinking that's all I ever was or could be.

Yet as I study for medical school, work as an EMT, and better appreciate my feminine body and desires I just don't at the moment have the energy or will to go there. 

I pleed and almost beg someone to take the decisions away to please myself, and make a moment no longer about what I want but what someone knows I need!

I never felt comfortable with my body as been discussed but I am ready to explore it and embrace it to a whole new degree then ever before, but somehow now that I'm ready to grow as a woman and human being all I get is uninteresting human dildos looking for my attention.

Where's men of value, or females that would like to ravage me. Alas it seems like many things the moment I'm ready to go everybody has already left and I'm stuck looking for a partner I don't wanna be paired with the kid who eats paste huffs glue and has mommie issues.

Press me into a wall, put your hand up my skirt when I say not here or now, whisper in my ear as you shove your fingers inside me does it look like I asked you now enjoy it bitch. As my pussy grabs around you and I cling to you smile knowing you can own me anytime you want. 

Sigh ? I guess that's my punishment for being undesirable such thoughts will only be dreams.