Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I never thought that talking to random kinksters and other people in this hobby would influence me. 

Those who know me understand I been going through issues with myself n my sexuality for years.

I think the core aspects that have been prevailing which I accept: No shame, own yourself n who you are, growth n flowering into new experiences is healthy.

These are core aspects that I think I had been deficient in my thinking. Part of those aspects make kink unique, most humans I have met dare not tread on paths we walk not because they wouldn't enjoy it of course not they are as human as anyone. It's there own shackles to the past n shame that refuses freedom.

I used to tell people I'd try almost anything once. Just to see if I liked it or didn't before I had an opinion. However in retrospect that seems totally untrue. I had many limits such as don't leave a scar or expect me to do waste elimination on you or the reverse.

But thats not all that was a hard limit since I never really been with a guy. 

I always claimed to be bisexual but never acted on it. Yet currently my body is encouraging me to explore men, I was am for the first time perhaps ever truly conflicted. 

I have deeply considered this for over 2-3 years, as someone sexually abused by men and had enriching experiences with women I thought I could just bury this question. So I never needed to change.

However this act has damaged my relationships with women as I have had nearly no interest in women as of late.  This question takes up the majority of fantasies n attention. I have a suspicion that depriving this desire within me pretty much since 13, 20+ years caused it to grow beyond my willpower.

It is why I have been so depressed as of late seeing the most obvious path forward to embrace this other aspect of myself. 

I know plenty of lesbains with kids, or who had experienced types of intimacy with men I never explored. So I have a gold ⭐ star in the eyes of some for my efforts and it has taken effort. Yet what did i receive in return. At this moment it seems like nothing but unanswered questions about myself n misery. 

I can no longer deal with the nagging curiosity. I am tried of this needless fight against my own desires. If women who might be future partners are upset I had to so this for me then they weren't meant for me. 

If I end up with a preference for men after I experiment; might not have been what I originally wanted or predicted for myself, but its not my job to hate or judge myself. Enough other people already don't like me, I have to be my advocate in all things including n especially change that I'm fearful of.

I close thanking all of you who helped big n small to put my mind at ease as I continue on my journey of self discovery n empowerment. 

So a concerned blog reader was like well maybe there could be some toys that help enhance things solo.

I am not really sure some of the stuff solo doesn't really help whip hand cuffs candles. What am I gonna do handcuff myself and pour wax on me doesn't really work.

So technically I have a couple of vibrators a few dildos and thats about it. 

I have debated for a while getting a vibrating or thrusting type dildo but part of my issue is I wanna get less interested in vaginal sex not more so.

People evolve and to an extent I'm getting used to the new normal. I was always a late bloomer but its also kept my body young and relatively fit so I guess its better to age slowly with health then the alternative.

So please list what you think a switch woman exploring solo needs. Since I am curious what you might suggest.

Thanks for taking the time much appreciated. 

When I was young I heard talk of women reaching their sexual peak in there thirties because there biological clock is pushing them to engage. 

I used to think that happens to desperate women I don't even need sex to be happy it couldn't possibly happen to me. Now here am I in the same time and place as other women before me and I'm just as guilty as having a body teach me constantly that I'm not above my sex.

My vagina has throbbed for sex so intensely I literally thought the only answer was to go mad or give. Yet with a clenched jaw and feet near spasming I know I can no longer abstain. 

My body isn't fighting me  Its compelling me to be authentic in a whole new and exciting way. 

So I have been looking to see if there is a name for this unique interest I am starting to wonder about. It's peoples names. 

Its important to note people look for patterns it's how we predict the future. Well the individual who first triggered this inside me was my husky named Natasha often called Tasha. I have had so many good memories of tasha when I meet someone with that name I automatically give them a little extra time, care, attention, and interest because they have my favorite name.

That woulda been fine since I don't meet many Tasha named people. 

However it would seem a new name has entered my brain as a positive association Jay. My best male friend is named Jay one of my good female friends goes by Jay and no less then 3 people on the cage have written to me named Jay that I have talked to with positive interactions.. 

Here's what gets me even more surprised when I talk to these people from the cage I don't even know they are named or go by Jay to begin with yet each one is cool in unique and different ways. Thus if your name is Jay I probably think your fucking cool. 

l  have a positive association for the name Jay. 

If you took the time to click and read thank you please leave a comment if you have one i have never attempted to be so transparent publicly. 

So like many stereotypes I had a broken home abusive father I barely saw, a mother coping with substance abuse. They tried to control every aspect of my life through beatings fear and neglect  Due to this I went to court to become an independent minor. But like when your 16 and your the adult in your life what do you do next?

In my case I had a child advocate that kinda watched out for me but I had alot of anger and resentment. I also felt unbelievably lonely.

Well growing up in New York City that was enough to tip someone off to kinda be like sex work? I was able to express I didn't have any interest and because of being abused I had trained in martial arts and was built like a professional female MMA athlete they had other ideas. 

Someone I don't remember who said do you wanna get your rage out on people who'd love you for it? 

I was like wait so let me get this straight people will pay me to beath the living shit outta em while dressing like a goth demon. Why the hell not? So even though I in my mind didn't do sex acts I had an awful amount of fun throwing guys around whipping them caning them cutting them beating them stepping on em crushing there junk it was fun, and I was getting so much positive feedback for it.

I mean where else did my unique skills and strengths feel so suited. Yet despite being a dominatrix in training i had a few girl friends but finally I found one i really cared for her name is S anyway she knew about my kink and that I was getting tired of doing it. She was in part interested in me because she was into rough intense situations. 

I had very much been someone who aims to please so if someone asked me for something Id usually oblige how I even ended up ripping out some poor bastards tooth.

Anyway with S she asked me to do simulated rape with beatings breath play and forced penetration with my biggest attachment. I had told her I didn't fully feel comfortable but was like well lets see how it goes.

So first comes the fact to get me going i guess since I didn't want to do it she started hitting me spitting on me and screaming at me what a soulless monster I am. 

I was finally provoked enough to give her what she wanted I slapped her around ripped her clothing off fought her into a position where I could force the harness endowed bigger then any male i ever saw inside and just crush on her and she was scratching at me and screaming for help then I broke the moment and I was like S do you want me to stop and shes like you idiot I wanted you to choke me till I pass out.

I choked her and as hard as she screamed nothing could come out and she orgasmed so hard all over me I could feel her whole body tremble and she pissed herself. I then let her go and she was pissed. She's like i asked you to choke me until I passed out gasping for air. 

I was like excuse me I love you, you had such an interes orgasm I couldn't hurt you anymore and didn't wanna risk it  She said some nasty things about how I'm too fucked up to be normal but not enough to please her or whatever, it was quite sad that trying to please her wild side ultimately led to us no longer being together or friends. 

Since then I got outta doing it with randos entirely and tried really hard for a long time to slowly un kink myself think it was the "right" thing to do. 

But today I fully accept the life is a part of me and although it mighta started outta a bad place, it did really help me to gain confidence, control, meet sweet loving people and there was plenty of joyful moments. 

I am not the person I was, and to be honest I wanna learn more about who I am today even if its not who I thought I would be, evolve or die I choose evolution. 

I sit here aroused beyond all measure. The issue is I always heard when you feed a fire it grows, I have fed my dom side all my life yet it has gotten happy lazy and content.

Yet my inner submissive keeps calling to me like a siren wishing ill upon me. What once started as a mere whimsical notion, and a few mistaken lovers is turing into such an obsession I haven't felt the urge to dom in months.

I look in my soul panicked wondering whats happening to me, to my world I built what I know about myself upon. My former truth in shambles in its place is the forgotten girl, she's begging for someone to make a bitch outta her.

I pleed this isn't who we are, but then in my dreams she assaults me with visions of pleasure I have never known, in the real world. Moments where I had topped women so powerfully inversed so I become the wet pink pussy heavenly ass up face down getting spanked for being naughty asking a master to penetrate me. I feel a flush blush as he says only good girls get what they want. I pleed desperately I can be good for your wood. He laughs and says funny isn't the same thing  and then grabs my hair yanks my head up and forces the deepest kiss I ever felt. Content I sigh falling into his passion. 

As I have these dreams I startle awake, I cannot take such thoughts. I profess this isnt me god damn it! Yet my body already proved it has betrayed me, I'm far too horny to let pride and ego get in the way of me slipping a finger or two in and exploring every bit of this new found arousal.

My thirsty pussy calls out to me let it be reality, to finally be someones good girl so he will have no choice but to please me as I have always craved.

Yet could it ever be? Or can more importantly I ever truly be ready for a moment such as this. 

I used to think I was a train 🚂 I sent myself up on a track and I'm pretty much heading down it full speed with no possibility of stopping.

It would seem I'm more adaptive then I thought. Makes sense one of my favorite things to do in my life was ride my motorcycle. I remember one time a car almost hit me by not seeing me in his blind spot but I saw it coming so I was able to dip onto a sidewalk and pop off a different curbside, and although it was scary and dangerous both me the driver and everyone else who saw this move like motorcycle move were just entertained.

Apparently if my brain can be adaptive to ever unfolding states zipping by I guess I have the ability to do it in more aspects of my life. 

(By the way I learned to ride from a professional motorcycle riding school and took defensive driving on top of it please don't try it.)

All the gear all the time. 

An inauthenticity has ruined most my adult life. I used to judge and diminish the woman I am. I had in my head said I'm a lesbian who doms/ tops women and that's all there is to it.

The first cracks started to show early in life I had to refuse people pleasing me especially penetration. I had argued it was because it ruined the mental sensation of my attempts at masculinity. That wasn't the truth it's because it brought my inner bitch to the surface.

The few times in my life I was fully satisfied, I ran away from the situation. I do say only a few because I often avoided these moments, or the people who brought em about as if they were about to destroy me, because they caused me to question my own self idenity.

Yet for all the resistance, I only achieved one thing for myself outta it absolute -- misery. Forsaking my own needs even contaminated my ability to enjoy doming women, because seeing them happy even with me would make me so unbelievably jealous, inside it felt like razor blades cutting out my heart connected through my pussy.

I'd often think "look at that happy little bitch so in love and content why can't I share in this with her" or "I should tell her that I wanna experience it as well."  Yet I never said those things out loud and I carried on repressing myself till I just couldn't do it anymore.

For years, I been to scared to be with anyone for fear I'd have to confront my inner need, imagine feeling dead in your 30's sexually because you're to afraid to admit you were wrong about yourself, and too weak to grow into something new bold and worst of all different.

I felt as if I spent too many years down the wrong track, can't teach an old bitch new tricks. 

I awaken from a dream wondering whats happening my nipples standing like peaks adding body and dimension to my curvey slightly salty breasts. 

Still waking to realize I'm not just arousing for the mourning but arousal has already taken my body on a journey wet with anticipation I set forth a long sigh.

Why oh why do you not share my bed? Instead I feel this moment is wasted, toys don't fill me with the same release they once did. Silicone glass motorized it doesn't matter nothing compares to you to what we could achieve together.

Yet it seems now and forever here I am lamenting just how distant we are. Yet we're we ever together or was it all just a dream in this nightmare of a life.

I woke up again tonight wet ready and flush my pussy ultra pink and open with anticipation. I don't know why this change has happened so drastically. My body went from guys take em or leave em to its chomping at the bit for a man to make me his bitch and fill me with his cock and cum.

Not that long ago, when I would get like this id often self harm or do some other punishment to try and get my body back in line. Yet I made a promise to my friend I'd never do that again I had no idea with an unchecked sex drive it be driving me to claw the walls with desire. 

I despise my innate drive to mate with men this primitive instinct that is as much a part of who I am as my own heart beat. I feel is defeating me. I don't know how I'm going to destory it but I feel I somehow must because I refuse to be consumed by this insatiable lust.