Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I gotta get used to as I'm losing weight, being attractive to others again, although this time its harder as I don't have a total shit personality to navigate these situations n repellent to humans. 

Just now went to get a chicken sandwich from Burger King after Martial arts. 

The cashier was on the phone I smiled at her and shes like what you looking at. All angry ??

I said I think its cool your on the phone, fuck burger king she had an ear peice in talking to a friend. 

She laughed and as she looked at me says "you have pretty piercing eyes!" 

I said "I know they are one of the rarest eye colors you'll ever see they are gray."

 She leans out the window almost touching my face staring deeply into my eyes saying I have the most beautiful eyes she ever seen.

I smile n thank her and say "well you have a nice laugh she blushes, I and remind her to hand me back my debit card. ?" 

She then asked if I live around here I say sorta have a beautiful day I gotta go. 

https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-the-rarest-eye-color-5087302

Just wrote this letter to my best female friend.

I know I have always been biologically a woman but if I think logically about this my feminine nature being incorporated as a part of my identity is so difficult n unpleasant I m deeply vexed. 

One my issues with sex with men the violent incident made me sware that off entirely. For awhile the thought of even a guy being interested would make me visibly sick also why I put on the weight to make it so no guy ever would want lust for me the same way my attcker did. 

I might still be bisexual but my preference has switched as I stopped repressing my bodies natural impulses. I have felt such urgency n interest in men that even as an atheist it made me wanna get on my hands n knees n curse god for making me this way n putting these feelings in my heart. 

Even with all the women I loved before, one being a woman I was engaged to I had never felt such painful lust. Joining other women in having this as a part of me has been not something I wanted or could predict. 

My first real crush Jay is finally interested in me in after 2 years of making my interest known to him. According to past him he didn't think I was mentally or sexually mature before n he hated the idea it could hurt our relationship. Also he was working on himself as well. 

Yet theres a big hurdel he likes sexually agressive confident women.

 Oh yeah why not ask me to build my own car while your at it. A raped sexually abused female who didn't even wanna belive they could ever accommodate a man has to bring the sexual spark. 

Yeah I'm naturally assertive and with women I enjoy being the agressor but my first time ever with a guy if I want Jay I can't just be a pillow princess or supportive. 

Nope I gotta dig deep n get him going by summoning the willpower to push through my own insecurities n mental anguish. 

I can't believe my first willing time with a man when he knows I only even started masturbating last year hed put that on me. But such is life the same way I didn't want an interest in men he can't help the type of female he prefers.

Having the proper hormones while being sexually stimualting has caused me to have regular more painful longer periods.  

For better or worse it was quite common to maybe only have 1-4 periods a year n maybe they would last a day or two.

I had blaimed it on getting covid because when I did I had the worst period in my adult life. But it also coincidentally was around the time I started being more solo sexual. 

Since then every 20 or so days for 3-4 days. It got so bad I think I told you once ron (male roommate) confronted me about puting panties I kinda got dirty that way in the regular laundry. 

It's like damn makes sense but I don't even wanna think about having periods at all now I have to be mindful. 

Also due to the shortage In May of supplies nationally I bought period panties.

So I had to change my life to accommodate my blossoming body. 

I had to accept n greive that I would probably like to be a mother infact the last nail in the coffin in me n rons ever being more than friends was when he mocked n jokingly said how great it is im sterile because he wouldn't want a kid n if I ever get sexual with him that makes me greater then most women. 

I looked him dead in the eye and said "did you ever think about all the comments n jokes just as a defense mechanism due to what was done to me you peice of shit you wanna never have a kid get your balls clipped.".

I continued "Oh n by the way you got 3 idiot sons if I want kid be it adopted, donated egg, or otherwise you can go fuck yourself, you don't gotta say in my life old man." 

He's like you never talked like that before whats going on? Looking stupidly confused. 

This is evolution, you don't like it fuck you. 

My mantra for all people who don't accept me breaking my bondage to the past. 

Its amazing how many doms on here think they can handle me then within a couple of conversations they tend to be like bitch your way too much.

My favorite comment so far is" Hun you can kill a boner made outta concrete".

For those who know me or I shared any part of my life with you know this is true.

I am not simply in my situation due to nerves n anxiety I faced a Truama filled life have PTSD and don't need people walking in acting like a simple snap of there fingers bang solved

I never thought that talking to random kinksters and other people in this hobby would influence me. 

Those who know me understand I been going through issues with myself n my sexuality for years.

I think the core aspects that have been prevailing which I accept: No shame, own yourself n who you are, growth n flowering into new experiences is healthy.

These are core aspects that I think I had been deficient in my thinking. Part of those aspects make kink unique, most humans I have met dare not tread on paths we walk not because they wouldn't enjoy it of course not they are as human as anyone. It's there own shackles to the past n shame that refuses freedom.

I used to tell people I'd try almost anything once. Just to see if I liked it or didn't before I had an opinion. However in retrospect that seems totally untrue. I had many limits such as don't leave a scar or expect me to do waste elimination on you or the reverse.

But thats not all that was a hard limit since I never really been with a guy. 

I always claimed to be bisexual but never acted on it. Yet currently my body is encouraging me to explore men, I was am for the first time perhaps ever truly conflicted. 

I have deeply considered this for over 2-3 years, as someone sexually abused by men and had enriching experiences with women I thought I could just bury this question. So I never needed to change.

However this act has damaged my relationships with women as I have had nearly no interest in women as of late.  This question takes up the majority of fantasies n attention. I have a suspicion that depriving this desire within me pretty much since 13, 20+ years caused it to grow beyond my willpower.

It is why I have been so depressed as of late seeing the most obvious path forward to embrace this other aspect of myself. 

I know plenty of lesbains with kids, or who had experienced types of intimacy with men I never explored. So I have a gold ⭐ star in the eyes of some for my efforts and it has taken effort. Yet what did i receive in return. At this moment it seems like nothing but unanswered questions about myself n misery. 

I can no longer deal with the nagging curiosity. I am tried of this needless fight against my own desires. If women who might be future partners are upset I had to so this for me then they weren't meant for me. 

If I end up with a preference for men after I experiment; might not have been what I originally wanted or predicted for myself, but its not my job to hate or judge myself. Enough other people already don't like me, I have to be my advocate in all things including n especially change that I'm fearful of.

I close thanking all of you who helped big n small to put my mind at ease as I continue on my journey of self discovery n empowerment. 

So a concerned blog reader was like well maybe there could be some toys that help enhance things solo.

I am not really sure some of the stuff solo doesn't really help whip hand cuffs candles. What am I gonna do handcuff myself and pour wax on me doesn't really work.

So technically I have a couple of vibrators a few dildos and thats about it. 

I have debated for a while getting a vibrating or thrusting type dildo but part of my issue is I wanna get less interested in vaginal sex not more so.

People evolve and to an extent I'm getting used to the new normal. I was always a late bloomer but its also kept my body young and relatively fit so I guess its better to age slowly with health then the alternative.

So please list what you think a switch woman exploring solo needs. Since I am curious what you might suggest.

Thanks for taking the time much appreciated. 

When I was young I heard talk of women reaching their sexual peak in there thirties because there biological clock is pushing them to engage. 

I used to think that happens to desperate women I don't even need sex to be happy it couldn't possibly happen to me. Now here am I in the same time and place as other women before me and I'm just as guilty as having a body teach me constantly that I'm not above my sex.

My vagina has throbbed for sex so intensely I literally thought the only answer was to go mad or give. Yet with a clenched jaw and feet near spasming I know I can no longer abstain. 

My body isn't fighting me  Its compelling me to be authentic in a whole new and exciting way. 

So I have been looking to see if there is a name for this unique interest I am starting to wonder about. It's peoples names. 

Its important to note people look for patterns it's how we predict the future. Well the individual who first triggered this inside me was my husky named Natasha often called Tasha. I have had so many good memories of tasha when I meet someone with that name I automatically give them a little extra time, care, attention, and interest because they have my favorite name.

That woulda been fine since I don't meet many Tasha named people. 

However it would seem a new name has entered my brain as a positive association Jay. My best male friend is named Jay one of my good female friends goes by Jay and no less then 3 people on the cage have written to me named Jay that I have talked to with positive interactions.. 

Here's what gets me even more surprised when I talk to these people from the cage I don't even know they are named or go by Jay to begin with yet each one is cool in unique and different ways. Thus if your name is Jay I probably think your fucking cool. 

l  have a positive association for the name Jay. 

If you took the time to click and read thank you please leave a comment if you have one i have never attempted to be so transparent publicly. 

So like many stereotypes I had a broken home abusive father I barely saw, a mother coping with substance abuse. They tried to control every aspect of my life through beatings fear and neglect  Due to this I went to court to become an independent minor. But like when your 16 and your the adult in your life what do you do next?

In my case I had a child advocate that kinda watched out for me but I had alot of anger and resentment. I also felt unbelievably lonely.

Well growing up in New York City that was enough to tip someone off to kinda be like sex work? I was able to express I didn't have any interest and because of being abused I had trained in martial arts and was built like a professional female MMA athlete they had other ideas. 

Someone I don't remember who said do you wanna get your rage out on people who'd love you for it? 

I was like wait so let me get this straight people will pay me to beath the living shit outta em while dressing like a goth demon. Why the hell not? So even though I in my mind didn't do sex acts I had an awful amount of fun throwing guys around whipping them caning them cutting them beating them stepping on em crushing there junk it was fun, and I was getting so much positive feedback for it.

I mean where else did my unique skills and strengths feel so suited. Yet despite being a dominatrix in training i had a few girl friends but finally I found one i really cared for her name is S anyway she knew about my kink and that I was getting tired of doing it. She was in part interested in me because she was into rough intense situations. 

I had very much been someone who aims to please so if someone asked me for something Id usually oblige how I even ended up ripping out some poor bastards tooth.

Anyway with S she asked me to do simulated rape with beatings breath play and forced penetration with my biggest attachment. I had told her I didn't fully feel comfortable but was like well lets see how it goes.

So first comes the fact to get me going i guess since I didn't want to do it she started hitting me spitting on me and screaming at me what a soulless monster I am. 

I was finally provoked enough to give her what she wanted I slapped her around ripped her clothing off fought her into a position where I could force the harness endowed bigger then any male i ever saw inside and just crush on her and she was scratching at me and screaming for help then I broke the moment and I was like S do you want me to stop and shes like you idiot I wanted you to choke me till I pass out.

I choked her and as hard as she screamed nothing could come out and she orgasmed so hard all over me I could feel her whole body tremble and she pissed herself. I then let her go and she was pissed. She's like i asked you to choke me until I passed out gasping for air. 

I was like excuse me I love you, you had such an interes orgasm I couldn't hurt you anymore and didn't wanna risk it  She said some nasty things about how I'm too fucked up to be normal but not enough to please her or whatever, it was quite sad that trying to please her wild side ultimately led to us no longer being together or friends. 

Since then I got outta doing it with randos entirely and tried really hard for a long time to slowly un kink myself think it was the "right" thing to do. 

But today I fully accept the life is a part of me and although it mighta started outta a bad place, it did really help me to gain confidence, control, meet sweet loving people and there was plenty of joyful moments. 

I am not the person I was, and to be honest I wanna learn more about who I am today even if its not who I thought I would be, evolve or die I choose evolution. 

I sit here aroused beyond all measure. The issue is I always heard when you feed a fire it grows, I have fed my dom side all my life yet it has gotten happy lazy and content.

Yet my inner submissive keeps calling to me like a siren wishing ill upon me. What once started as a mere whimsical notion, and a few mistaken lovers is turing into such an obsession I haven't felt the urge to dom in months.

I look in my soul panicked wondering whats happening to me, to my world I built what I know about myself upon. My former truth in shambles in its place is the forgotten girl, she's begging for someone to make a bitch outta her.

I pleed this isn't who we are, but then in my dreams she assaults me with visions of pleasure I have never known, in the real world. Moments where I had topped women so powerfully inversed so I become the wet pink pussy heavenly ass up face down getting spanked for being naughty asking a master to penetrate me. I feel a flush blush as he says only good girls get what they want. I pleed desperately I can be good for your wood. He laughs and says funny isn't the same thing  and then grabs my hair yanks my head up and forces the deepest kiss I ever felt. Content I sigh falling into his passion. 

As I have these dreams I startle awake, I cannot take such thoughts. I profess this isnt me god damn it! Yet my body already proved it has betrayed me, I'm far too horny to let pride and ego get in the way of me slipping a finger or two in and exploring every bit of this new found arousal.

My thirsty pussy calls out to me let it be reality, to finally be someones good girl so he will have no choice but to please me as I have always craved.

Yet could it ever be? Or can more importantly I ever truly be ready for a moment such as this. 

I used to think I was a train ? I sent myself up on a track and I'm pretty much heading down it full speed with no possibility of stopping.

It would seem I'm more adaptive then I thought. Makes sense one of my favorite things to do in my life was ride my motorcycle. I remember one time a car almost hit me by not seeing me in his blind spot but I saw it coming so I was able to dip onto a sidewalk and pop off a different curbside, and although it was scary and dangerous both me the driver and everyone else who saw this move like motorcycle move were just entertained.

Apparently if my brain can be adaptive to ever unfolding states zipping by I guess I have the ability to do it in more aspects of my life. 

(By the way I learned to ride from a professional motorcycle riding school and took defensive driving on top of it please don't try it.)

All the gear all the time.