Ice Girl's public thoughts.

In my blog I have been very open to all, perhaps too honest. Yet as much as I am ready to explore a new aspect of myself my body and my sexuality that doesn't mean I am ready for someone to just totally rock my world.

Just because my body is aching for a man or Dom lesbian to explore new frontiers. The first person I am choosing to be with has gotta be at least someone I'm compatible with,and kinda friendly seems reasonable yes. 

I have had an insane life, in part because of the worlds misunderstanding of intersex conditions. I am publicly outting myself even on a place of fantasy and fun because I am tired of feeling like I have to be or should be ashamed. 

I have two rare conditions I have CAIS and persistent mullerian ducts. Long story short everyone who knows that XY equals boy and XX = girl. Oh they are right in 89,999 cases of male births, but that one in 90,000 the Y chromosome fails and you have a child that develops as a normal cis female.

I for intersex awareness day, October, 26th I am going to do a presentation to my health class. I don't have to but I know that the misunderstanding around intersex needs to end so visibility is important. 

Intersex isn't like other things that often get lumped into with the LGBTIQQAA+ community. There's over 40 different intersex conditions not simple like gay - means men who like men. This is why many intersex advocates think intersex shouldn't be in the community at all, especially individuals who like me have typical bodies. 

Here's an experts most recent report on people with my condition, and the way they worded it just brought me to tears for hours. 

"People with CAIS are genetically male – 46, XY (instead of 46, XX) – but in every other way, they are female. 

When an egg is fertilised, the sperm determines the gender of the child, so this is already decided by the time we start growing in the womb. All babies are by default female.

CAIS is an interruption in the growing process when the foetus would ordinarily be changing from the default girl into a boy. What you end up with in CAIS, for all intents and purposes, is a woman.

Women who have 46, XY chromosomes are almost always heterosexual with female gender identity. " 

let's go through some key points. CAIS genetically male. That's correct I have a Y chromosome and yet, it doesn't function so its like why is it even there! 

In every other way they are female. I used to freak out because all though my life I had moment after moment rubbed in my face-- I'm just another woman.

Periods, the same bone density and structure, the same organ placement, a god damn uterus. Shit the most recent moment I went to a store for running shoes and they did a foot 3 D scanner to try and find my best fit for my height weight pressure yadda yadda.

I ended up within 1% variance for a woman of my size and height but would have to go to a shoe 28% smaller then a mans average for my body. My feet which I always felt were kinda big for a 5'8" athletic woman is on average smaller then the typical woman of my height. Why moments like this always make me cry ? I have no idea but I'm tried of getting triggered by the obvious I have a normal female body. 

All through my life the fact I'm AFAB has just slapped me in the face. It is silly, why do I get so worked up over a chromosome that doesn't function.  Physically I'm female and I love being female I need to stop making it weird. 

All babies are by default females-- is a part of what's known as developmental science. The fact is it's the androgen testosterone that causes the fetus to start masculinization. Without it you get me, or any other female child.

Because of society and my own bias there was a time when I was like damn I wish I could be male. Yet unlike other cis women who can transition and to an extent appear male with treatments. CAIS women lack the capacity. Another way to think of it is at the moment when the CAIS woman was most primed to develop masculine qualities the body lacked the capacity. 

The door to masculinity is closed so CAIS women we are locked into extremely feminine bodies, infact it's known that many are models because of this fact.

A CAIS woman could take more hormones then a linebacker and it would just actually make us more feminine because the body can't process testosterone. Yet testosterone breaks down into estrogen thus you just actually gave the CAIS woman more estrogen.

 In the normal female population there is an occurrence of 10-15 percentage homosexuality. There have been many studies as to why this occurs and some of the research has pointed to testosterone either being higher or a person's body being more receptive to it.

The way they studied this in XX women is by looking at CAIS women who are over 99% heterosexual and comparing the two to see whats different.

I have felt so uncomfortable fessing up to being a typical female.

Yet as I have grown and listened to my body it's broken me down to literally get on me knees and pray for strength.

I am by nature extremely feminine and I do find both men and women attractive. Yet I need masculine energy in my life. The more someone can tare me up and leave my pussy aching that's what I want.

I have been working on acceptance my entier life. Finally once and for all I accept my body and my desires are feminine.  I can't change what I am  and although I may not be heterosexual persay any female I'm with better be able to bring it hard I am not interested in feminine women. I find men and extremely butch women attractive. 

Thanks for reading 

I had tried to think of a way to express these thoughts multiple times. I grew up in an American society that gave me all the messages I was wrong even my family expected and encouraged me to be masculine or transition from a female.

So much of how we try to understand people is based on stereotypes. I loved martial arts tree climbing rock climbing building computers programing hanging with males well isn't it obvious we got ourselves a young man in the wrong body.

These sorts of messages at such a critical age made me myself think yeah I must not be female look at other females while they are worried about sleepovers when they can gossip or wear make up I'm gonna be going over my friends where we are going to try and fix up a gokart so we can race around his property.

Our society does have a word for females like me a tomboy yet because of the messages i kept getting from my family and other people Intereacted with I felt it went deeper I mean I was simply too cool n bad ass to be a female.

I remember the first time i rode a motorcycle lane splitting doing nearly 115 miles an hour through New York City traffic swimming through gracefully like a dolphin on waves. I did think to myself the only good part of being a female is this motorcycle vibrating me as i drive my hips into it and continue racing for the highest adrenaline spike I could mainline.

Reflection that stereotypes caused me to inadvertently denigrate myself, to vilify the feminine aspects n desires I did display as an aberration of who I am.

To see those qualities as if they were dangerous n somehow would taint me and cause me to become some fucking gross stepford wife with little more personality then a doormat.

I regret I felt I had no one to guide me or talk to that I can be am alpha tomboy, while also perfectly comfortable being a woman. I always loved bond girls the sexy cool take no shit attitude many intelligent talented and willing to go on a dangerous adventure.

I guess I felt boxed into only one way to be. I love my femininity and am glad I'm on the team that could probably use a little more bad girls like me. 

I gotta get used to as I'm losing weight, being attractive to others again, although this time its harder as I don't have a total shit personality to navigate these situations n repellent to humans. 

Just now went to get a chicken sandwich from Burger King after Martial arts. 

The cashier was on the phone I smiled at her and shes like what you looking at. All angry ??

I said I think its cool your on the phone, fuck burger king she had an ear peice in talking to a friend. 

She laughed and as she looked at me says "you have pretty piercing eyes!" 

I said "I know they are one of the rarest eye colors you'll ever see they are gray."

 She leans out the window almost touching my face staring deeply into my eyes saying I have the most beautiful eyes she ever seen.

I smile n thank her and say "well you have a nice laugh she blushes, I and remind her to hand me back my debit card. ?" 

She then asked if I live around here I say sorta have a beautiful day I gotta go. 

Just wrote this letter to my best female friend.

I know I have always been biologically a woman but if I think logically about this my feminine nature being incorporated as a part of my identity is so difficult n unpleasant I m deeply vexed. 

One my issues with sex with men the violent incident made me sware that off entirely. For awhile the thought of even a guy being interested would make me visibly sick also why I put on the weight to make it so no guy ever would want lust for me the same way my attcker did. 

I might still be bisexual but my preference has switched as I stopped repressing my bodies natural impulses. I have felt such urgency n interest in men that even as an atheist it made me wanna get on my hands n knees n curse god for making me this way n putting these feelings in my heart. 

Even with all the women I loved before, one being a woman I was engaged to I had never felt such painful lust. Joining other women in having this as a part of me has been not something I wanted or could predict. 

My first real crush Jay is finally interested in me in after 2 years of making my interest known to him. According to past him he didn't think I was mentally or sexually mature before n he hated the idea it could hurt our relationship. Also he was working on himself as well. 

Yet theres a big hurdel he likes sexually agressive confident women.

 Oh yeah why not ask me to build my own car while your at it. A raped sexually abused female who didn't even wanna belive they could ever accommodate a man has to bring the sexual spark. 

Yeah I'm naturally assertive and with women I enjoy being the agressor but my first time ever with a guy if I want Jay I can't just be a pillow princess or supportive. 

Nope I gotta dig deep n get him going by summoning the willpower to push through my own insecurities n mental anguish. 

I can't believe my first willing time with a man when he knows I only even started masturbating last year hed put that on me. But such is life the same way I didn't want an interest in men he can't help the type of female he prefers.

Having the proper hormones while being sexually stimualting has caused me to have regular more painful longer periods.  

For better or worse it was quite common to maybe only have 1-4 periods a year n maybe they would last a day or two.

I had blaimed it on getting covid because when I did I had the worst period in my adult life. But it also coincidentally was around the time I started being more solo sexual. 

Since then every 20 or so days for 3-4 days. It got so bad I think I told you once ron (male roommate) confronted me about puting panties I kinda got dirty that way in the regular laundry. 

It's like damn makes sense but I don't even wanna think about having periods at all now I have to be mindful. 

Also due to the shortage In May of supplies nationally I bought period panties.

So I had to change my life to accommodate my blossoming body. 

I had to accept n greive that I would probably like to be a mother infact the last nail in the coffin in me n rons ever being more than friends was when he mocked n jokingly said how great it is im sterile because he wouldn't want a kid n if I ever get sexual with him that makes me greater then most women. 

I looked him dead in the eye and said "did you ever think about all the comments n jokes just as a defense mechanism due to what was done to me you peice of shit you wanna never have a kid get your balls clipped.".

I continued "Oh n by the way you got 3 idiot sons if I want kid be it adopted, donated egg, or otherwise you can go fuck yourself, you don't gotta say in my life old man." 

He's like you never talked like that before whats going on? Looking stupidly confused. 

This is evolution, you don't like it fuck you. 

My mantra for all people who don't accept me breaking my bondage to the past. 

Its amazing how many doms on here think they can handle me then within a couple of conversations they tend to be like bitch your way too much.

My favorite comment so far is" Hun you can kill a boner made outta concrete".

For those who know me or I shared any part of my life with you know this is true.

I am not simply in my situation due to nerves n anxiety I faced a Truama filled life have PTSD and don't need people walking in acting like a simple snap of there fingers bang solved

I never thought that talking to random kinksters and other people in this hobby would influence me. 

Those who know me understand I been going through issues with myself n my sexuality for years.

I think the core aspects that have been prevailing which I accept: No shame, own yourself n who you are, growth n flowering into new experiences is healthy.

These are core aspects that I think I had been deficient in my thinking. Part of those aspects make kink unique, most humans I have met dare not tread on paths we walk not because they wouldn't enjoy it of course not they are as human as anyone. It's there own shackles to the past n shame that refuses freedom.

I used to tell people I'd try almost anything once. Just to see if I liked it or didn't before I had an opinion. However in retrospect that seems totally untrue. I had many limits such as don't leave a scar or expect me to do waste elimination on you or the reverse.

But thats not all that was a hard limit since I never really been with a guy. 

I always claimed to be bisexual but never acted on it. Yet currently my body is encouraging me to explore men, I was am for the first time perhaps ever truly conflicted. 

I have deeply considered this for over 2-3 years, as someone sexually abused by men and had enriching experiences with women I thought I could just bury this question. So I never needed to change.

However this act has damaged my relationships with women as I have had nearly no interest in women as of late.  This question takes up the majority of fantasies n attention. I have a suspicion that depriving this desire within me pretty much since 13, 20+ years caused it to grow beyond my willpower.

It is why I have been so depressed as of late seeing the most obvious path forward to embrace this other aspect of myself. 

I know plenty of lesbains with kids, or who had experienced types of intimacy with men I never explored. So I have a gold ⭐ star in the eyes of some for my efforts and it has taken effort. Yet what did i receive in return. At this moment it seems like nothing but unanswered questions about myself n misery. 

I can no longer deal with the nagging curiosity. I am tried of this needless fight against my own desires. If women who might be future partners are upset I had to so this for me then they weren't meant for me. 

If I end up with a preference for men after I experiment; might not have been what I originally wanted or predicted for myself, but its not my job to hate or judge myself. Enough other people already don't like me, I have to be my advocate in all things including n especially change that I'm fearful of.

I close thanking all of you who helped big n small to put my mind at ease as I continue on my journey of self discovery n empowerment. 

So a concerned blog reader was like well maybe there could be some toys that help enhance things solo.

I am not really sure some of the stuff solo doesn't really help whip hand cuffs candles. What am I gonna do handcuff myself and pour wax on me doesn't really work.

So technically I have a couple of vibrators a few dildos and thats about it. 

I have debated for a while getting a vibrating or thrusting type dildo but part of my issue is I wanna get less interested in vaginal sex not more so.

People evolve and to an extent I'm getting used to the new normal. I was always a late bloomer but its also kept my body young and relatively fit so I guess its better to age slowly with health then the alternative.

So please list what you think a switch woman exploring solo needs. Since I am curious what you might suggest.

Thanks for taking the time much appreciated. 

When I was young I heard talk of women reaching their sexual peak in there thirties because there biological clock is pushing them to engage. 

I used to think that happens to desperate women I don't even need sex to be happy it couldn't possibly happen to me. Now here am I in the same time and place as other women before me and I'm just as guilty as having a body teach me constantly that I'm not above my sex.

My vagina has throbbed for sex so intensely I literally thought the only answer was to go mad or give. Yet with a clenched jaw and feet near spasming I know I can no longer abstain. 

My body isn't fighting me  Its compelling me to be authentic in a whole new and exciting way. 

So I have been looking to see if there is a name for this unique interest I am starting to wonder about. It's peoples names. 

Its important to note people look for patterns it's how we predict the future. Well the individual who first triggered this inside me was my husky named Natasha often called Tasha. I have had so many good memories of tasha when I meet someone with that name I automatically give them a little extra time, care, attention, and interest because they have my favorite name.

That woulda been fine since I don't meet many Tasha named people. 

However it would seem a new name has entered my brain as a positive association Jay. My best male friend is named Jay one of my good female friends goes by Jay and no less then 3 people on the cage have written to me named Jay that I have talked to with positive interactions.. 

Here's what gets me even more surprised when I talk to these people from the cage I don't even know they are named or go by Jay to begin with yet each one is cool in unique and different ways. Thus if your name is Jay I probably think your fucking cool. 

l  have a positive association for the name Jay.