Ice Girl's public thoughts.

From before puberty I was under attack by my Catholic upbringing masturbation is sinful your a slut who will burn for all eternity, if you don't wait till marriage. The nuns who taught me would really have someone believe that Jesus cries everytime a man or woman so much as think of wasting there sexual energy-- out of marriage.

This led in part to the backlash as to why i got into kink so young (between 16-25) loved playing with others and finding out who I was. Yet one thing i never did was masturbate! My mind was so beaten down i felt like self sexual release was the worst thing I could possibly do.

Sucking off a guy, or playing with some kittens pussy at least that was done in love, and could go somewhere-- Jesus could approve. But masturbating I had internalized the teachings it was unnatural, unholy, and if I wanted to be right with my soul I shouldn't ever do it.

Well I have since lost my faith (thank god lol) Yet still alot of my apprehension around playing with myself persists. I havent had a regular partner for years but I can't masturbate. Sometimes my urges are so strong from little things like the splash of shower water, or a cool summer breeze up my skit or worst of all a wet dream I am in tears of torment. I have had dreams so steamy which have woken me up and youd wonder if someone took a hose to my vagina. It has got to stop! The longing for stimilation for self love for attention has only gotten more compelling the longer I have denied myself. i am an adult yet have more in common with a horny teen afraid of there body.

When I have on occasion started to touch myself i usually freak out the moment gets me anywhere. I usually bite my lip or my fingers until the pain overcomes the pleasure and I stop touching. Besides the fact I am getting tired of bite marks on my fingers I have decided to employ a toy the first toy I have bought since i was 20 and it is a hitachi wand it seems like women have used it to liberate themselves for generations-- the only question is am I ready? 

Some of you already know I got contact traced at my job the state of Maryland has deemed me someone exposed to high risk covid-19 and I am supposed to stay in my residence unless I need to leave for medical food or an emergency.

This alone would be an annoying time but I live with at risk people so i basically spend 22-24 hours lately in this room. I come out to eat use the restroom and then go back in. I do it to protect people I care about but it is getting to me.

My nature is high energy I like to do things only so many things to do in the same 4 walls 5 days straight. I think the worst part is the feeling of lost agency that I shouldn't just go do things if I want to.

Personal I think the state of Maryland messed up I haven't had so much as a sneeze yet here I stay anyway. I hate the fact at times I can be so damn obedient. I want to violate this especially because I hate it but there is the social contract I have with my loved ones especially that I will not needlessly put them at risk.

I took a covid-19 test today yet the results won't be in until Monday. Oh well gonna be a shitty weekend that is for sure.

As the shark needs to swim for life I need to do. When stopped too long I reflect and within those thoughts are a horror so real a sadness so deep id welcome death with barely a sigh.

Yet in the moments of life there are times i can forget my life no past no future just a single moment of bliss chasing that high currently makes a life not worth living tolerable may the torment continue as I chase what is fleeting. 

At 35 I have yet to have pentrative sex with a man willingly. Yet I am bisexual how did this happen? Well like many women I was sexually abused yet since I am bisexual I just sorta said ok I will only have sex with women so I won't have to deal with sex with men.

The last time I was raped I was visiting a good friend of years. I had met him online and I had made it clear I wasnt into him that way and he was totally cool with it or so I thought then at some point during the evening after I rebuffed him I started feeling sleepy. He clearly laced my drink or food or something because Ij ust needed to sleep. Like an idiot not thinking my friend would do something like that to me. I went into his bed assuming I was just really tired.

Before I  knew it I was awakened to him ramming his dick inside me with no lube or forplay. The pain was so intense even still under effects of whatever it was I was jolted awake. I was like get out of me or I will kill you he was like I doubt it. He knew that even with my martial arts training and all i was still to out of it to muster any defense ontop of which as i would squirm to try and get him off of me he would just bare down all his weight and pretty much use his penis as a knife and just pound me so hard i was hurting from the inside out.

I was so angry at myself this is happening to me I of all people. I fell for the nice guy act I who if I wasnt drugged could have easily snapped him like a twig was now powerless as if i did anything at all too resistive he would simple rip apart my insides. When he was done with me I stumbled to the shower I felt so filthy used like a sex toy.

It was only after I learned i should have done a rape kit but lets be honest this was america in the 2010's would it have mattered. I would say he raped me he would say i got tried and drunk and one thing lead to another. Note I don't drink but it would have been just a he said she said and this was before #me too was all the rage.

So I decided to say whatever life sucks what can you do. I only really told two people before just sharing this so publicly with all of you.

I know it was that moment where I pretty much decided I was never going to let a male pentrate me again. 

This question is one I get asked a lot and I even been asking myself so why not publicly answer and open the topic.

I been in the process of putting my life together for a long time and when I was younger I thought my support for BSDM lifestyle was a way to cope with issues such as neglect, child abuse and having been sexually violated.

So as I was trying to fix things I tried real hard to have a normie relationship so bland it makes white rice seem spicy. Well guess what that sucks. I have been unforfilled in years to be even more blunt i havent even had an orgasm in 5 years or any sexual contact in two years. I am so frustrated in the relationship physically but I am a trooper i loves the person so i tried to make it work.

Well lately the fustration is getting to them as well and it is clear were in this zombie relationship neither one willing to move on because we dont wanna be the one to give up on the relationship meanwhile it already bled to death in the corner.

So with that in mind I am here trying to reconnect to my sexuality and honestly come to understand what it is I want again and this time as an adult not be afraid of letting my desires lead the way.