Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Woke up crying and screatming at 5 am 😭

Content warning: mentions of trans abuse ⚠️

Having night terrors is maddening. I can recall in great detail tonight's terror.

I was sitting at an old time writing desk with black walls almost floating in a dark room only light by some warm glowing lanters which would flicker with the flame.

A slight smell of sulfur and warm air current filled the room. I was writing on some velum parchment names of people as I started to stare intently to make them out the horror overtook me when I realized what I was writing.

As I slowly looked down it was all the trans and intersex peoples names I know who have died either by murder or suicide.

As I was seeing the names I couldn't stop writing them. My hand as if otherworldly over came my other as I gripped at it so viscously trying to stop I tore my flesh off to the bone.

I started to cry: my tears were thick filled not by water and salt but my red blood. My tears fell upon the names.

I kept writing them over and over totally possessed and my world was a jumble of blood sweat and pain as I frantically tried to keep there names on the page even though I wanted to stop.

I started to scream looking to the heavens yet as I looked up the candles went out leaving me in a total black void dissociated from all but my limb that wouldn't obey me.

The scream became primal filled with terror and greif mortified there's too much loss.

In all of this I kept writing the names over and over, my bones started to snap at the intensity of movements I could feel the snapping and it was a relief that maybe soon my torment would be at an end.

However I couldn't keep up with my tears and I started to choke on my own blood. It stared running into my mouth ovecoming me I started to drown my own lungs couldn't expel my blood fast enough gasping for air all I could get was the distinctive taste of metallic iron thats in blood, my eyes unable to see anything coated in blood.

My hand finally stoped writing because I too was dead - finally free of the suffering.

I can barely fathom a time this grief wasn't upon my heart.

--++

What set me off? My suspicion I had this CD friend of mine when clocked pretended to be transgender as a deflection.

I was disgusted and shocked 😳 I challenged him. What did you just do? He was like what? Shurging?

In a near scream I exclaimed

"Only a cis white man of privilege could possibly say something so ignorant."

I brought to his attention the murder and suicide rate of trans people and went to a website of anti trans laws and started to read the raw contempt Republicans have for trans and intersex people that's overtaking the nation.

I started to explain the Republicans do this because they have no solutions or vision on how to make the country better.

Thus giving bigots the freedom and consent to hate a group of vulnerable people is cat nip for the lowest filth.

I lost too many loved ones to find this amusing. Transgender day of remembrance exists because we carry on dispite the dead we wear upon our hearts.

Today is officially the day I came into this world an orphan.

My one wish is I don't have to see my country continue to abandon and murder trans people for political gain.

Why does asking for something so reasonable seem unattainable in my lifetime.

I have only one vote but I try to use my voice to advocate and speak up for those who are no longer here.

I don't want to have to have to write one more name in tears of blood.

Neurodivergent People and Empathy 💐

First Not all neurodivergent people are the same. However a great many of us myself included when someone shares a story will often comment with something I think of that helps display why I can empathize and how I'm feeling about what was shared.

For example someone recently mentioned how upset they were when a manager harassed them.

My reply was oh I get that I once had a manager sexually harass me and had to go to HR and when he got writen up it actually made things worse.

They then responded it's not a competition geeze I didn't ask you about your life I was looking for some empathy.

I was in near tears 😭 I tried to explain that was how I show empathy. I wasn't trying to one up - only show I can understand what it feels like due to my own struggles with people who are in management harming me and feeling trapped.

I genuinely feel if I was better able to communicate how my neurodivergent tendencies impact my communication it would clear up many misconceptions.

Please don't be ableist I am publicly sharing how I let down a friend as a public service announcement. Since I didn't intend to hurt them and just wish they understood I wasn't being defensive or making excuses.

I was engaging in a typical practice of neurodivergent people and in-fact it is one of the reasons I end up with so many neurodivergent friends since I don't feel it's such a struggle to communicate.

Best,
Ice

Horrible Psychotherapy Yesterday

I am open about having PTSD and it hasn't responded to traditional treatment.

Most days I am fine, but when I get triggered I am less than my best self. So I tried a modern treatment recently approved known as K therapy.

Studies confirm Ketamine therapy has been shown to help where non traditional have had difficulties with PTSD

Within moments of getting the IM K I ended uncontrollably vomiting for the next hour or so. It was so incredibly uncontrollable that I ended up face down passed out in my own vomit multiple times. I had to have the therapist pick my face out so I didn't suffocate and she kindly wiped vomit off my face and hair.

What's craziest of all they asked me if I had any allergies before the event about a week ago I mentioned I had such a severe allergic reaction to morphine that I was once given before a surgery that I was vomiting up my stomach lining and it truned into a medical emergency.

The doctor involved stated in the email exchange these excat words

" His response was as follows:

True allergy to morphine is uncommon. Nausea is due to cholinergic effects and maybe increasing vestibular sensitivity. Would premedicate with 8mg Zofran ahead of KAP though, but not a contraindication for KAP.

So we should be good to go, and he can prescribe you Zofran, so make sure to bring this up during the med evaluation."

he didn't think it was needed at the time so said will give you the medicine first and see of you need it.

well after it ended up looking like the exorcist in their I hope he learned something vomit can go everywhere!

He actually came in to give me zofran IM during one of the moments I was near passed out in my vomit after I filled up the second vomit bag.

He called me after to apologize he told me in his 30 years of treating people I had the second worst case of nausea he had ever seen and that if I were to continue with K therapy he would do many things differently to try and paralyze my vomit reflex before the treatment starts so that way I can actually have the experience as intended.

I told him I was in no condition to make such a big decision especially after what happened but I am leaning towards never taking ketamine again for the rest of my life because it was so painful and horrific.

Nearly two hours of vomiting non stop and perhaps the only reason I'm not dead is someone could pick my face out of the vomit and tears would turn anyone off.

I find the most ironic thing in this I decided to try the therapy because I wanted to see if I could improve my PTSD episodes.

I actually now had one of the worst experiences in my entire life where I know what its like to be choking on my own vomit too weak to stand struggling to breathe.

I am not upset about it though I told him I was allergic to morphine I never took K before the fact they are a similar class of drugs the doctor should have never given it to me but it wasn't unfounded to attempt since I didn't say I was allergic to k.

Many doctors hear nausea and they think oh a little queazy that's no big deal. Yhey really had no idea to expect that I would vomit so much and so intensively that I was close at one point to being hospitalized yesterday.

Here I am able to type this and stronger having gone through absolute hell.

My PTSD might not have gotten better at all but it reconfirms that I can take one hell of an ass kicking and keep on coming back.

I am quite sore, my throat burns from the stomach acid, and I am coughing up a tiny bit of blood from the irritation. My abdomen and back is so exhausted feels as if someone has taken a sledgehammer to it multiple times.

Standing and sitting upright feels like a chore.

However I am getting better every second .I am glad I didn't die and isn't that itself positive.

My girlfriend wants me to lose my virginity. 🍒

People who haven't gone to a live Rocky Horror Picture Show Cast are called virgins.

Why? I don't know perhaps you know include in the comments.

Until recently I only saw the movie once on comedy central nearly two decades ago with commercials and wondered what the big deal was.

My father's sister wanted to take me when I was a teenager. After he lost custody none of that side of my family wanted anything to do with me anymore so that ended my interest.

Since it's important to my girlfriend - I guess it's time to get my to cherry popped. Apparently the production we are going to if you wear a costume it's free I am going to go as Pomni the clown 🤡.

I recently watched the amazing digital circus and quite enjoyed it. Pomni is someone who may or may not be dead as there thoughts have connected them to a virtual world that has become an existential crisis.

Is Pomni in limbo, is she dead, what is her existence? It is a reflection of the joke being trapped in the current with no logical escape: thus all you have is to laugh at the lunacy that is life.

Ah yes a depressed clown 🤡 that is slowly dying from the inside out seems a match to me.

"For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity."

Jean Dubuffet

My breasts enjoy being touched.

A person wrote this question on reddit- Do women enjoy having their breasts touched, because they don't enjoy it.

It is important to remember that the largest sex organ is the brain so context matters.

A random stranger grabbing my breasts in the grocery store would freak me out and make me angry.

A person I have a romantic connection with touches them - then it definitely is stimulating, in a good way.

My breasts and especially the areola are quite sensitive to all sorts of touching.

One important aspect is that before an intense touch it is important to create the emotional context even if you are someone I consent to touching.

I think it's important to state even with my gender fluid nature I enjoy my breasts. I advocated to keep them when I was young and thus they hold a special place in my independence and self identity.

This is part why even though they are big and a handful I have never seriously considered getting them reduced.

Nimona - But I'm Not a Girl I'm a Shark 🦈

I enjoyed this animated movie. When being different is the only reason people hate you it hits different.

Be it for religious differences, sexuality, gender, shape - all differences should be celebrated.

Nimona's love of herself and confidence stems from celebrating being different. I spent a long time thinking I was a monster.

Being born Intersex from the day I came into this earth my own family hated me.

My own mother called me it and freak so much I never even had a name till I legally applied for one.

Is it any wonder I want nothing to do with my so called blood. Finding life and joy in radically being yourself is Metal! 🐲

What's monstrous isn't a person but a society that seeks scapegoats to distract from it's own decay.

When Most Stressed my Period Strikes 🦈

I have an important mid term today, getting over having covid, missed work lately so money is tight and what's my body solution? 💡

How about we cramp up so hard that sitting upright is beyond my capabilities. While leaking blood and mucus uncontrollably this isn't even addressing having to scuttle to the bathroom for the diarrhea with a migraine making me dizzy. 🤢

(Prostaglandins are responsible for uterine contractions during menstruation - Prostaglandins are a common cause of diarrhea during menstruation.)

Whenever anyone comments about how perfect life is designed so it must be a God or some sorta intelligent design I can't help but laugh at the absurdisty. 🙄Clearly those people must believe that designer must hate women.✝️

How could it be the same hormone for both uterine contractions and diarrhea makes zero sense. 🤡

Seriously isn't it bad enough leaking out one hole once a month, does it really need to be both below the waist. ⁉️

I'm gonna go hate life for a bit

Tired but not sleepy.

I have to Monday call and argue with workman's comp I been waiting on orthotics I have needed for almost 2 months because of an injury that happened in April.

I came down with COVID-19 and that caused me to miss some of what little work I can do recently.

My debit card was stolen at a fast food location when I forgot to demand it back and had to deal with that mess with the bank.

Have a Big exam in about 6 days I barely studied for because I have been digging myself out of being behind on school work due to these other issues I listed above.

As if those acute problems weren't enough my dog is slowly dying of old age. She is having trouble controlling her excretion and will sorta be walking over and just randomly poop or pee. Of course I'm not upset at her I took her in at 11 I wasn't expecting a puppy but at 13 I am wondering if she's gonna make 14.

It is always darkest before the dawn as I try to sleep this night is a pretty darn dark one. I'm hurting I'm tired I'm restless. Is it any wonder why I scream in my sleep.

Yesterday my girlfriend literally slapped me awake because I was screaming Oh MY GOD in terror while asleep in a total panic.

When she seemed concerned after she woke me I told her I was being slowly run over by a massive truck - I could feel it crushing my bones. compared my typical nightmares of reliving past trauma getting crushed was a sorta chill change of pace all things considered.

I just screamed so loudly because it was so painful and shocking in the moment and it was an original nightmare for me until she woke me I couldn't tell It wasn't real.

 Pain binds with every breath 🫁

The memory of my mother trying to brow beat a surgeon to remove my breasts over my crying protests is etched in my psychology.

That moment solidified my knowledge in my Intersex condition and changed my life.

My family's disappointment in my natural body increased by societies disgusting treatment of females is the root of my own insecurities around my body.

I have seen how I am treated when the F42's are on full display I do not perfer it so bind most days in public.

I wear binders intentionally as tight as my body can tolerate. Sometimes even breathing causes mild pain and I can see bruising on my ribs when I take them off.

Recently I had my binder on for 17 hours working as an EMT the job called for me to stay later then is usual.

When I got home simply taking it off was enough to make me shutter in pain the bruises made my body so tender my girlfriend trying to touch my body caused me to wince and recoil in genuine pain.

Ain't no one gonna stop the clown 🤡

I was singing a song about waiting for the professor with lyrics I made up on the spot the other day before class

It went something like:

gotta stand standing, waiting to be where you dont wanna be, oh can it be, should I see, him down the hall, oh no not at all, guess I will just fall -- while pratfalling on the ground.

A female classmate gave me a dirty look saying um like seriously 😳

I shot back "no jokingly 🤡" with huge smile tilting my head.

Got a huge roar of laughter from the other students waiting. ☺️

Ps. Just wrote about this in a dm figured I would share it with everyone so you can get an idea 💡 of what I am like in person when full ADHD mode engages.🥳