Ice Girl's public thoughts.

last night at hot house 🌞

First thank you hot house and BPH for putting on a wonderful and safe experience in the heart of the mid Atlantic BDSM scene.

After having been away at University I got to see many faces I hadn't seen in 6+ months. It isn't an exaggeration even though only a few hours away medical school was so busy I barely had time to do for laundry let alone drive 5 hours to do any events.

It was so comforting to get to play with switch wolf one of my favorite play partners. To have him near me for a change of pace was pleasant. I think it surprises him that even though we met through the fact I am a rope bunny that personally I don't care about the rope as much as him now.

We did rope for a little bit then had a Minor primal grab kiss scene and then ended up doing cuddles. He even took a nap on me now is that some good after care or what!

He's such a sweet and gentle soul I am so glad even though we haven't connected much often that when we could again clearly the feelings and genuine regard remain.

There was some food provided thank you again to the hosts!

I found some stuffed shells and genuinely enjoyed them as an Italian my family would often make shells or manicotti for Holidays. A manicotti is the same basic concept as a shell but a round longer tube shape stuffed with mozzarella ricotta and spinach cooked in the oven with a light helping of sauce often with more mozzarella and Parmesan cheese on top. So getting to have some of that was really nice and I hadn't had dinner before we set out.

Miss Dion really took some great care to paint my face. It was clown a 🤡 themed night and when some of the materials that I had on hand didn't seem to work as expected off of Amazon it was incredible to have someone who could help get my face ready for the evening on site!

My girlfriend and I even had time to do a scene that hadn't happened in ages forget if it was November or December?

Anyway she wanted to do some fire playing and we did quite a bit she really enjoyed the experience. I brought out a new technique I had been practicing since last summer. I missed when the playhouse got echo one of the best fire tops in the area to teach a class I was so disappointed I was able to get in touch and she agreed to give me a private lesson.

My girlfriend came and was my bottom for the private event at the time but since then I hadn't gotten to play with my girlfriend much with fire.

Even though I still practice on my fire pad at home and do some on occasion it was fun to get the time headspace and interest to dove tail and finally play again with someone I love to pleasure.

The new techniqu was what I call fire needing. You take the wand and when its in a controled burn which she (Echo) calls a stage 2 can instead of just tapping roll in and off on the skin and sorta follow up by gently caressing the area to help ensure the heat helps relax and stimulte the muscles with warm heat while safely ensuring no left over burning alcohol.

My girlfriend genuinely loved it 😊 there is always more to learn and grow with any type of play but it feels good when you practiced something excute it and the person you want to please enjoys it.

After my girlfriend introduced me to someone who also wanted to do some fire play and well since it was already set up and the person nee to me seemed vetted by my GF I figured why not.

We had a pretty great scene although since I just started to meet this person and my comfort level with them is growing I won't write too many details but one of the standout aspects was she wasn't used to after care from doms she had played with before or how to ask for it.

It makes me feel sad for the scene tops are nothing without bottoms and anytime someone trusts you with there life as they do when you play with fire you should always show your gratitude.

Also there is a level of exhaustion that goes with the pleasure. Sure fire is relaxing and at times exhilarating but there are things to be aware of for example fire naturally drys the skin and if you play too rough can even cause some over sensation or worse burns. It's a type of play where one mistake carries a high cost.

So ensuring that your bottom is cared for before during and after is not only important it's paramount.

Being an EMT who's in medical school I am well versed in the physical aspects while having a psychology degree and being a fire bottom myself I think makes me really easy to talk to while being as safe as possible.

I am beyond honored that a new person' shared a moment with me and enjoyed it. Making someone happy truly puts a smile on my face.

I am so happy to have been a part of there journey tonight. If it is a one off hopefully I helped keep them excited and interested in the scene, if we play more hopefully as I get to know there body and tolerance I can please them more.

Word of advice for anyone who tops it is always best to start slow as you build a relationship with someone be it fire or any other play. Even the most enthusiastic person who feels confident in their previous experience you don't know their body or boundaries so enjoy the little moments as you explore someone.

Also negotiation and communication is how any of this works!

You establish the interaction and give your bottom your total attention for the duration of them putting there fait in you.

Also never forget to check in and maintain a good read if they even seem mildly uncomfortable pause and always empower them to state needs. Just because they before hand thought something was ok if they seem mid or aren't liking it in the moment it is always reasonable to tone a scene down pause it or stop it.

To me this is the core of being a good dom. Its the pressure and responsibility to safely allow someone to shift burdens upon you for a bit and only expect a generally fond experience and pleasure in return whatever that means to them.

In life allowing someone to have that level of freedom if even for a moment with me helps me feel purposeful.

Goodnight all,
Ice❄️

A 23,000 dollar mistake really hurts.

In my medical school last semester I got 3 A+'s two B+'s but one class I got a 70 a c minus.

At my school it is required to pass all classes with at least above a 70 so I am required to retake the course however since it is only offered once a year I am currently on leave of absence.

I let myself down but what's worse I let the people I wish to help down.

My grandmother died, I ended up getting scammed and rented a place to live that was run down with barely any heat in a bad area infact one day before a test one of the other people renting in my location got attacked in an attempted robbery.

I was depressed and restarted therapy to deal with all these issues yet even though I was able to pick the grade up in all my other courses that one alluded me.

I now spend the next 8 months of my life living with not only the shame but acknowledgement I cannot leave my destiny up to chance.

I have a second opportunity coming to pass that course and you better believe I am not going to let it slip through my fingers.

Soon the obsessive studying shall being I needed time to rest abit and emotionally processe what transpired.

I know what I must do reasons for failure might protect the ego of some but does it do my life anygood to say woe is me.

Life's not fair is it. Never has been never will be.

My life has often graced me with the harder path. My hardest set back has happened I was nearing the top of one my most precious goals and I crumbled under all the emotional pressure.

I am sorry I failed my grandmother's the people who support me all the future patients that could use me as there provider.

I promise on my name that I shall not fail again I am more devoted and intense about this then ever before.

Inner reflection 🪞

I wonder if I will ever have a day when I fully feel comfortable in my own skin.

I get depressed and sometimes even consider self harm yet I don't know how to fix these emotional lows.

It isn't the PTSD from my horrible life that is the main source of my current strife. I am Intersex and like many Intersex people my family felt compelled to intervene as I was a baby.

The issue is they tried to raise me male and my body especially during puberty hard other thoughts in mind.

By 13 I started having periods and by 16 it was made clear my microphallus should be removed due to pelvic inflammatory issues that could kill me.

How many boys growing into Young men have had it broken to them whoops if you don't live as a female you could die. Oh and by the way you're not really a man look at these mri's!

So I been living knowing my body is more female than male since about 13 and by 17 was publicly living as myself fully.

But then when I had the choice for many years I messed with my meds so that I was avoiding periods because they really stressed me out.

Yet due to this bodies natural limitations having an abnormal cycle started to have undesirable side effects: brittle bones, bouts of weakness, loss of all libido and inability to have any lubrication, memory issues. I was going through menopause in my late 20's / early 30's

It was only a couple of years ago when it all came to a head where my broken foot wouldn't heal and Johns Hopkins set me up with an expert endocrinologist on not just on intersex but also bone metabolism.

One could argue she was the most knowledgeable person I could have encountered with my issues. Yet her medical advice and insistence was to set things where they would be if I was just any old cis female it didn't take too long for all of my symptoms to improve yet then I started having regular periods again which caused me great mental crisis.

When I saw her about it she was very dismissive told me to get my head out of the clouds I'm a woman and it's natural a sign of how healthy things are and went through how all my labs and even my own admission things improved so if anything I need mental health or emotional support for my inability to accept myself.

Yet as much as her and other doctors wanna make this seem open and shut it isn't though. I have XY chromosomes and was rasied male.

In theory none of this should of ever happened I am a bizarre mutation. People often use intersex as an argument bfor trans people sure fine show diversity of experience and all that but we also so that natural selection and genetic variation is real.

It would be easier to just accept I'm a female or whatever yet I may be in a female body but I just don't feel like the typical female. I am sure lots of that comes from how I was socialized.

You'd be surprised how often I have to keep from rolling my eyes when some friend of mine says hey girl / girlfriend or you go girl or referring to me in a group if females as one if the girls or whatever.

First off I am not a girl according to the dictionary a female child or adolescent. I am a Woman/ lady/ Maiden. I hate how people often infantilize women. How often do people call a 30+ year old man boy for example but calling me a girl I should fawn or see it as a complement.

I'm a genius in effing medical school I am not a female child!

Sigh

One of the loudest arguments I ever had with a health professional was a few years ago when my current primary provider decided she wanted to take abnormal vaginal bleeding off my medical chart as an active condition. I was like how is this not abnormal? She was like it's not abnormal for a woman to have a period. I pointed out how it's not normal for women to have XY chromosomes right so how is this normal.

To which she got as pragmatic about the dispute well do you have a uterus and I was like yeah? And she was like thus it's not unusual for someone with a uterus to have periods thus no matter the situation you having a uterus means you should also have normal bleeding and thus having people concerned about normal body processes doesn't make sense.

For a long time if you asked me I 100% would of said if I could have a choice I'd chose to be normal cis male and not have to deal with any of this Intersex crap.

But recently I know for a fact if I had to choose to reset my life and could choose my body I would pick to have a female sex.

Yet what makes things bizarre is even though I finally am not wishing I'd rather have a male sex I still am not happy about this body.

Knowing I feel like I should be in a female body is different than liking being in a female body.

Especially during periods I don't understand why I get so enraged by them is it because I connected it to ruining my life, is it just the gross and discomfort elements, is it that when I even tell people about my existence often I have people call me a liar.

Look I wish this wasn't real. What I find most insane about people who wanna debate my existence they will admit intersex is rare but then like why do you think I d fake it this makes no sense.

It's not like running around talking about being Intersex has ever one made my life any better.

Most people irrationally hate me for it.

My presentation of condition happens in about 1 in 270,000 times currently living in the state of Maryland which has roughly 6.2 million people divide it by 270,000 that means 22-23 people. I happen to be one of these trust me it's not the sorta probability that's fun.

People will often say 1 in a million as a complement in reality I find being a rare woman to be shitty.

When most people never even think of there sex or gender or who they are. I spent nearly 30 years of my life trying to understand my body sex gender and my place in the world.

This is quite common for many Intersex people I would have never chosen to be female which is one of the key ways my experience differs from trans. I have hated being in this body for the majority of my life.

Maybe it's maturity or the hormone changes begrudgingly having a female sex isn't the worst thing in the world.

But one of the reasons I tell people I am gender fluid or nonbinary is quite frankly even if I fully accept at this point due to my mutation I'm of the female sex that doesn't really help me sort out my gender questions now does it?

goodnight,
Ice

Got to be an EMT for a moment again.

Using this as a journal point not for a pat on the back.

I was walking with someone today while they played Pokemon go. As it happened I saw a disabled woman of color crash her motorized wheelchair while she was attempting to cross the street due to hitting a pot hole.

The moment that happened I darted into the street and immediately assed the woman she was dazed but not bleeding or brusied. She really just wanted to get back in her wheelchair chair and get back to going.

She was of sound mind and I started to help her up a driver got out and helped me with her other side as we picked her up and help set her back on her chair.

The person who was with me ended up bracing the chair because it started to slip out as she put her weight into it.

I then made sure it was working and helped secure her with her seatbelt ( the reason why she fell off when she hit the pot hole was it wasn't secured)

Then we followed her abit while she got onto the sidewalk with her apartment.

For a very brief moment I got to do my thing take control of a dangerous situation assess someone's health in the field make reasonable decisions and make it safe.

I helped today that feels good but I do miss being an EMT. I know once I become an advanced provider moments like this will only get less and less.

I mean coming to me for your physical so I can approve playing sports in college I guess makes people's lives better as well.

But it just feels like such a waste when I love emergency medicine and I have a nack for it to be encouraged to become some boring office provider.

Busy with medical school, wanted to update

As you know roughly two months ago I started medical school and everyone talks of how much studying and hard it is yet if you think you have a clue unless you did it your wrong.

I am in 6 courses and as per a contract I had to sign with the school 8 am to 5 pm everyday I have to be available for classes and speakers and events and that itself isn't all of it going to mandatory events and taking the vice president position of my cohorts diversity and equity committee generally means I am non stop busy.

A typical day is wake up 7 am shower eat do a little studying then by 8:30 go to class if I am lucky get out early at three but most days straight on till 4. Doesn't end there though you gotta do the course work maybe thats 3 hours gets you to 7 pm and what you're gonna go to bed without doing a little studying or review? Add in about 3 hours there and the 7am to 10pm when youy day finally comes to an end of your school commitments.

This has been going on pretty much everyday for me since January 5th

Of my current 6 classes 4 of them are A's One a solid B and I have been improving yet one course I am currently in danger of failing.

I am not proud of falling behind in one course but just the literal mountain of work wears you down.

I also got sick pretty bad leading into one of the tests and even though I was on antibiotics and had blood in my urine I dared not miss any classes for fear I would fall behind even more.

I have learned so much material technically how to treat roughly over 200 hundred conditions as well as the entier pathology science and exams behind all those conditions.

Yet the true amazing aspect is being able to do this while upset at the current state of the government the way it has declared war on trans people the poor and science has me at times so concerned about the future.

Yet I don't have time to be depressed I gotta finish this get my medical license and then I can more directly help people.

In general that might be the only thing holding me together.

Not dead yet.

Between the news being kinda a downer and medical school literally trying to kill me. I honestly have had very little time to even look at my profile.

In PA school you need to know over 700 conditions forwards and backwards there diagnosis, labs, treatment, and management of other symptoms while treating.

The section I am in is hematology and it genuinely is one of the hardest things I ever had to encounter in years of schooling.

First there's so many different causes of a hematologic issue which includes: cancer, genetics, deficiency, mutation, bone marrow, viruses, lead poisoning. To understand the etiology pathology treatment for each one is a mix of biology, chemistry, physics, pharmacology and nutrition.

I asked for this opportunity but it comes at a huge cost at the moment.

in medical school they keep saying take care of yourself ❓

It is my second week of medical school and there has been snow almost everyday and a literal mountain of work.

Everyone myself included feel overwhelmed yet professors and previous students who have came in to give advice say not to worry about it and relax.

What is there to relax about we have more content than any human could possibly learn in a week and it seems borderline impossible to keep this up for years.

You don't make it if you don't have great grades in the first place but to go from feeling top of the class to drowning in work is a pretty hard reality shift.

I used to think I was pretty hot shit when it comes to my intellect but it is easy to get humbled in medical school there's just so much more you never knew you never knew.

In just one week for example we learned every class of dermatology condition and treatment guidelines. It's about 80 conditions sometimes the way to diagnose is based on the freaking texture of the skin or the color at the leading edge.

I don't know about you but I never studied how to diagnose and treat every dermatology condition before so that was all totally knew.

Note that was in just one week ? so them telling us to calm down seems counter intuitive since they are introducing so much content that's brand new so quickly and so detailed that it's nearly impossible to keep up.

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To those who gave me words of support ?

Thank you so much my first Quiz has been graded and I got 100% .

The thing is I feel that was kinda lucky ? because every question on the quiz I knew but so much material was covered I know what I don't know and it's a lot.

I am different from those who know me personally I didn't come from money infact Im an orphan so already did something neither of my birth parents did get a college degree let alone tackle med school.

I think I sometimes weird people out for example I held the door to the elevator open for the cleaning crew when I was leaving the building yesterday and they told me to let it go they would get the next one I was like it's fine and she didn't want to talk to me or make eye contact.

When I was asking her how she's doing? And she kinda said in a low voice she isn't supposed to talk to me.

I was in near tears ? my second job after working a dry cleaners when I was 16-17 was as a janitor. Just because I'm a med student now I care and I wanna encourage her and to see how because of maybe some other people in the medical department being pricks it make her learn the only way to stay employed is to keep her head down and never do anything to upset the medical professionals.

If everything goes well I will have my doctorate, but I never wanna be the type of person that horrifies the cleaning staff so much they don't even wanna get in the same elevator as me or talk to me for fear of being fired.

It's moments like that which have made me more than anything question if I don't belong as a "Medical Student at Prestigious University"

These sorts of culture shocks will keep happening. For example when I went to do a blood draw the nurse asked me if I was in nursing school and when I said medical school she said la de da I didn't know I was talking to my future boss.

I said I have to pass it first I'm just a poor kid in over my head trying my best and if anything I know because I seen it working as an EMT nurses are the beating heart of medical care so I don't wanna "Boss" nurses around I wanna help make your lives easier since you do all the hard physical and emotional work.

She told me dead in the eye when her daughter went to nursing school it gave her grays but she got through it and by hook or by coork I will also make it through and then I gotta come back to the office so she can call me Doctor one day.

I was like practically in tears. I don't know I been so emotional lately maybe it's embarrassing to have so much upheaval.

I am in a class with 60 students and so many of them are damn prickly asses who are full of it from there richy rich parents.

Some have even refused to talk to me the most amazing one is where there were some cubbys in the cadaver lab and I had my bag near one persons whe she say me put the bag near hers she went back and moved the bag just to not have it near my stuff.

I don't know why she had to be like that. I know this is kinda a ramble but my emotions are kinda all over the place.

I never worked so hard.

I thought because I am smart and always do well medical school wouldn't be as hard as it is turning out to be.

I have class 8 hours a day plus homework and that's not even the studying.

Add in the fact that I'm in a place that had been near shut down with snow while also having to unpack ( literally just moved the weekend of school) and they have a ton of requirements they are pushing me on like doing an FBI check and such since if I am going to be prescribing medications they need to know I am a trusted person.

The endless work the literally collapsing on my phone just trying to have a conversation with a loved one before bed and this is only the first week.

I know this is only a couple of years of my life and in the grand scheme of things my whole life built to this moment.

They said on the first day hold onto your why because you will be tested.

My why is I need a medical license so I can help educate other providers about trans and Intersex care and treat people in my community who have been abused better than I was.

I have been given this opportunity to make a difference now I have to get it done.

The one saving grace is my program has to list it's attrition (drop outs) and in the last 3 years it was only 10 people out of 180. So this program is doable by the majority of people who enter but In all honesty I have never tried anything this hard.

Two years to go -

Finished moving to a new city for a couple of years to get my medical license as an advanced provider. After which I plan to stay a little longer and finish my doctorate.

It feels kinda wild to think soon I will be able to do surgeries on people, prescribe medication and earn more in a year than my mother a disabled drug addict who lives in government controlled housing earned in her entire life.

I never forget what It was like growing up to someone like her and having to swallow my pride and sometimes ask strangers for food.

Today I stopped at an Arby's and a woman couldn't pay for her meal because she misunderstood her coupon and I couldn't eat hearing her argue turn desperate so I walked over and offered to pay for her.

That's the real benefit of having more money for me it hasn't even happened yet but I lived most my life near destitute so helping others and being kind is how I will roll.

I just wanna help people do you think I got into medical school to not change people's lives for the better.

If I am lucky I can give so much money time and effort to helping others that when I am on my death bed I can rest knowing I did everything I could to help others.