It's official I just got into Medical School.
I got into a Medical Schools Physician Assistant program one of the top in the country.
I have been working towards this for awhile and I did it my way without ever compromising.
I am fortunate for everyone who believed in me and supported me over the years.
No time to celebrate ? finals week!
Best,
Ice
Trouble getting back to sleep ?
Something on my mind. These numbers were from the recent report from the Trevor project regarding Intersex polling.
Forty-three percent of intersex LGBTQ+ young people who were subjected to conversion therapy reported attempting suicide in the past year.
Over half (55%) of intersex LGBTQ+ young people reported seriously considering suicide in the past year.
If people wonder why I tallk so much about mental health and wellness and try to raise awareness about Intersex conditions it is this situation I am concerned with.
I have personally known so many trans and Intersex people kill themselves or be harmed by bigots that it weighs heavy upon me.
One of my Best friends killed themselves in the very room I am typing this I invited them to live with me while they were going through stuff hoping that I could make the difference in there life and turn things around for them.
With the political climate as it is in the US and much of Europe getting even more anti trans and Intersex this is a quite scary time because I fear that we shall see even more death.
They typically rate of suicide is around 14 per 100,000. The fact that for trans and Intersex people it is so high happens to be one of the Greatest healthcare disparities in existence.
Yet it isn't being addressed and these communities are under even more political pressure and lack of access to healthcare or in some cases it is out right criminalized.
Please let the Intersex and trans people in your life know you want them to live. I am tried of seeing our loved ones die due to the bleak world that has crushed them.
Try to make a difference.
My girlfriend showed her inner sadistic nature.
Her child nephew wanted to play his new monopoly game for the holidays and he was so cute about.
She tried to swindle him out of his money with bad trades and I had to beg him to reason.
He eventually got tired of the nonsense and went to bed but that was when the real pain began.
She didn't even want to play so I thought it would be over however she had other plans.
Brought up the rule book on her lap top and then started to make us bid on his property dollar by dollar for nearly an hour.
I offered the draw since the reason we were playing a game neither of us liked was for the child.
But no she wanted to vring the pain for emotionally draining her in the first place by encouraging a game if monopoly.
Then it began as she slowly but surely just kept egging me on and I was in tears asking her if she loved me she would ket me out of this purgatory.
She said it's fine if you quit and ket me win but my obsession with winning and the fact we were in near even positions so she wasn't even that ahead I couldn't quit.
I mean she was probably favored but it is monopoly one bad roll she could lose and i had the green monopoly and the trains she had the red and purple so it wasn't a lost cause.
But we both hate Monopoly and I am tired I drove hours today to vist her and her family not to be a monopoly hostage.
Finally when i was in tears she pulled me close and even touched me inappropriately hy her sleeping mom and asked me if like monopoly now.
As I am writing she wanted to make sure I posted how she was licking my tears and told me it was her favorite part of the day.
She told me the only way it stops is if I say the safe word.
I have told everyone who played with my personal safe word is Zamboni I honestly can't remember the last time I have used it usually it's for others.
I mean I had someone almost hospitaliz me when they effed up with fire and I was whatever.
But this I couldn't do it for hours and hours monopoly has no end gate it could have been all night long and we both hate it so to offer us salvation I was willing to say the safe word and collapse in her arms crying.
Now we are in bed you could say why wouldn't I take the L in monopoly and just leave before it got this bad but I couldn't do it my odd to win were still to high to quit and I hate quitting when I have a winning position.
She keeps telling me I have signs of autism I don't know about that but this clearly obsessive compulsive tendencies.
I am exhausted I need to sleep she crushed me for real.
Remember to Vote!
Today is a test of morality, it is truly the first time in my life that I wonder if the American experiment could die in my lifetime.
American democracy helped kick off the French revolution and brought more nations out from under monarchs that once owned our ancestors.
For this act the French gave us the statue of Liberty which on it is written
"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
We Americans have a chance to keep the dream alive. To show the world when a wanna be dictator attempted to come to power who doesn't understand what makes America great we collectively refused his advances.
Defend America at the ballot box, please and thank you.
Some thoughts about Ranma
The original anime ran from 1987-1996 and was quite popular during my youth. Many of my friends liked it very much and suggested it to me.
However, it hit very close to home. Since at the time, because I wasn't masculinizing during puberty, my family was bringing me to all sorts of doctors. I was being given testosterone and growth hormones, and then my body went and made me defy my parents wishes when I grew breasts and started having periods. This wasn't a fun time.
The abuse from my father got so extreme he actually lost custody around that time, and my mother—I will never forget her dragging me to doctors, trying to force them to remove my growing breasts over my protests. Yet in my own ignorance, I didn't fully understand that I was "biologically" female until my endocrinologist sat me down and explained the situation at 16. Thus the idea of a "boy" turning into a "girl" was sort of my life, and the reality is that not only was it not a joke, I blamed it for all my problems.
My family being abusive to me, the fact I had lost most my friends at school, the fact I went from popular to someone picked on and made fun of, hell, the fact that I had to undergo so many operations and initially be poor and helpless for years, the fact I didn't even know how to be confident.
During 13-18, I attempted suicide three times because of how much I hated my life and situation. I just didn't want to go through it anymore. But eventually something clicked, and I was like, well, just because my family set me up for failure and I didn't want to be a female. If this is the situation, how could being a female be worse than death? Besides, if I don't like it, I can always kill myself later. So the idea of someone having to go through something even remotely similar and play it for laughs just didn't sit right with me.
Yet Netflix started making a remake that dropped, and I was like, Well, what the hell? I will give it a try, and I find I have enjoyed it quite a bit. Which to me showed something that means a lot to me: that I am no longer bitter or sensitive about my condition.
You know, before my current girlfriend, I had a pretty firm no penetration rule. It wasn't because I hated having a female body or anything, but because I was sexually assaulted, so being penetrated just made me really uncomfortable. I don't know how she navigated the sensitive landmines, but she didn't waste much time finding out how to penetrate my heart and my body ?.
I forget if it was the 3rd or 4th date, but she had me bent on all fours face down while being choked, hips elevated, and went to town. Granted, she kind of collapsed before she fully finished me off, but definitely made the case that I can enjoy getting fucked. Recently she said something I've been pondering.
I told her that I wasn't looking for her. I went 8 years without a girlfriend, and it's because I've just never been that sexually motivated. Then I told her about how the one girl I was engaged to and me started dating was because one day she literally beat me with a text book in class to make me remember her name, and then a couple of years later, when we went out to eat, which was a normal thing we did as friends, many times she told me we were dating.
I remember being like this isn't a date; we go out to eat all the time, and then she just grabbed me by the neck, kissed me, and sort of nibbled my lips, and then asked me, Does it qualify as a date now? I then kind of sheepishly said sure, and that was the beginning of one of my best friends becoming my lover for years. She was engaged to me but broke it off because she felt once I started to take the proper female hormones I became too soft and caring; she liked me more when I was manic and potentially dangerous.
The more tame calm me, she found a boring pushover and started to lose respect for me, so it was a good thing we didn't get married. She was really into power exchange, and she would have me crate her beat her consent, non-consent, have sexual encounters with her, and other activities. I just kind of did whatever she wanted, no matter what she asked. She was very open to anything that would please her. The one thing I put my foot down on was being degrading towards her—the thought of spitting on her, pulling out a chunk of her hair, and calling her trashy names. I couldn't go there; I was way too sensitive to want to treat someone I loved like that.
This is why it is a good thing we split up. What does this all have to do with the Ranma show? Being who I am both as a person and sexually took many years to feel comfortable with.
Intersex conditions overall might be roughly 1 in 200 by some estimates, but there are over 40+ conditions, and a specific one where a XY child grows a uterus and also won't masculinize is about 1 in 270,000 births.
Yeah, some intersex conditions are rare. I always felt like an anomaly didn't help that doctors tried to originally build a poorly functioning penis with false testicles at first and then finding out later surpise we actually have to undo that or you'll one day die since the pain you're feeling is the fact you can't shead your tissue properly.
I cannot describe how insane it was to have a doctor tell me my penis is fake and they gotta cut it off to save my life, and it makes sense anyway since I'm female. Like, people sometimes argue that I need to get my PTSD better under control because I have night terrors and flashbacks. Sorry that my insane life has scars embedded in my brain, but to be frank, it was the cost of survival. But finally I have started to be like, eh, you know, having a female body isn't so bad, and yeah, I might be a tad bizarre, especially since the first 13 years of my life I was raised hyper masculine, so all of this felt wrong and absurd most of my life.
Yet that's not me, my body, or how I feel about it now. In fact, I know genuinely that if I could have been born a normal male at this point in my life, I wouldn't want it even more surprising to me if I could restart my life and rather have a chance to be a female without all the toxic crap tossed in at first. Life for women is hard enough without your parents trying to force your body to masculinize and beating you both physically and emotionally for being a failure of a son.
I think the coolest thing in Ranma is it is showing me or helping me to cope with the fact that because of my unusual upbringing, I never have and probably never could fit in with most other people who have uteruses, be they any gender or sex. I also trained to become an intense martial artist and am so close to being a tomboy; if it weren't for my body being so clearly feminine, I doubt many people would assume I am female from how I behave. Thus the important aspect to me is finally finding peace, balance, and reconciliation with the fact I am unique, and that's okay.
I have a female body despite all odds, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying it, be it sexually or any other way. Additionally, the fact I was raised male didn't damage me or make me unfit for society; it actually made me intriguing. Sure, lots of people would never want to fuck with me, that's for damn sure ? That's a good thing who'd want to be with anyone who thinks my natural behavior is inappropriate.
People could think that my family messed me up, and that's fine. But I can find peace in feeling like I have the soul of a guy trapped in a female body that learns to love it. Like, why do I have to ever pick a side as far as my gender is concerned?
Sure, my sex is female; my health condition forced that hand, but being gender fluid/gender queer, that's just awesome ? There are those people who would argue it was my family abuse that caused this, and I can't argue that isn't the case. But either way, this is where I am, and to be frank, it's the most peaceful in the situation I have ever made.
Not saying I am quite ready to go back and see gynecologists after the way I was treated. But I am now finally not uncomfortable with my body. What's wrong with feeling like I should have been a guy but due to my condition I ended up female?
What's wrong with having lived as a female now for over 24 years and having come to enjoy and prefer my body?
What's wrong with wishing my girlfriend would fuck me more often because I enjoy it?
None of these things are wrong; they are just different truths I have come to reconcile.
One of the things I really enjoy about the Ranma character is just how damn obnoxious he can be in both forms. At one point he was talking to his female girlfriend and mentioned how she isn't half as attractive as his female body and she needs to work on it or she will never get a man.
That cavalier dig and obnoxious confidence was something I wish I had when I was a teen. One day when me and a friend were going to New York City to hang out, I was wearing an unbelievably sexy tracksuit with a v neck so deep it practically showed my belly button and so tight that my hips and ass looked like a pixar girl, and as for the girls themselves, well, if it wasn't so tight, there would have been nip slips. Anyway, I was so drop dead sexually charged guys would stop cars to catcall me people would walk up and shoot their shot. Yet my female friend with me at one point in near tears told me that it's not fair how much more attention I get that she wishes guys would look at her the way they looked at me. I said I apologized, but it's not like I want the attention. My mom had been a model, my dad a football star. I am 5'8" and have blond hair, gray eyes, and F breasts, so yeah, I get lots of attention.
She said, Well, any guy you pick up, I'm going to tell them you were born a male, so hopefully when they beat you then you won't feel so pretty anymore. I was shocked. ? Um, you know that's not true. I wasn't born male. I am intersex, and the doctors tried to make me male, and it couldn't take.
How could you threaten me like that? She said it doesn't matter; I need to know my place; how I will always be a fake female and don't deserve any attention.
Moments like that shattered my confidence; they didn't build it. I wish I could go back and pull a Ranma and be like, Look, bitch, it's not my fault you look basic, and it's going to take a blind guy to want to prick you down since it's not just the appearance but your toxic attitude that makes you disgusting, and then walk away.
I wish I had more sass and self-confidence to own my body, to have taken pride in myself to not be self-hating or allow other people to be nasty towards me without any pushback, this is finally going to help me going forward get myself to be the best me that has ever existed.
Believe it!
Poll ! Does this behavior sound like I am furry.
I have never thought of myself as a furry before until someone close to me told me I am a furry the other day❗
I was shocked ? looking all confused ❓
The evidence...
My first sexual fantasy in my entire life was me as Lola Bunny having sex with buggs bunny. - I had always written this off as well at the time due to my Intersex condition I didn't even know I was female dispite developing a female body during puberty and Lola was safe to identify with and although kinda odd I mean she was hot and who doesn't love bugs Bunny?
Anyway I actually never had a pleasurable dream with me in a human form enjoying sex infact because I faced sexual abuse and I have night terrors about it. I actively don't have any dreams of me sexually as a human at all which aren't flashbacks of abuse.
Yet I have had pleasurable sexual dreams as a fursona wolf of mine, different pokemon, and of course lola bunny still to this day.
Also when I am in Pet mode or dressing up as a pokemon I am mostly nonverbal because Pikachu can only say their name dogs bark whimper excreta I try to keep true to the character.
My wolf ? character can talk he's kinda a loner bad ass who takes no shit but kinda noble the closest is think wolf from the starfox universe but more of an anti hero like Logan instead of a bad person. He has a name but I don't share it with people.
Anyway moving on
My friend wanted to test something so they put on furry porn note I never watch porn because I am a demisexual and it does nothing for me. But furry porn wasn't as off putting as human porn.
I am by no means a prude I have had sex in a glass coffin in a public BDSM space. I just don't find people I don't have an emotional attraction to as attractive. Thus seeing randos have sex to me is utterly boring.
But animated Pokemon having sex was definitely less off putting but mostly neutral.
At one point my friend asked wait you seen one of these before they put it on?
I said of course don't you see how beautiful the animation is and what a delicate plot developed before the sexual encounter.
They were so amused - Wait no seriously let me get this straight you like furry porn for the animation❓
I said 'excited' yeah why isn't the use of shadows and building of deapth here so impressive. Great animation is always fun to watch.
They then started laughing at how absurd I sounded. I joked back "You keep saying I show signs of being autistic even though I was never diagnosed." So what's so hard to believe about what I am saying now.
They then said well you're definitely a furry that much is for sure❗
I was like really WOW ? I never thought so. Thus here I am opening it up to the Internet do I sound like a furry?
Like what even is a furry?
Does the things I stated above seem like furry evidence. Thanks for the feedback.
The oddest part about being a demisexual.
I went years without sexual interaction and it never even bothered me at all genuinely was starting to wonder if I was asexual.
But then I met my girlfriend and it's been kinda rough. I am so unbelievably passionate for her anytime anywhere is a mild understatement.
What's even more embarrassing is that at times I get so excited even just cuddling I have to wear period panties ir she throws a towel under me because my body won't stop juicing.
Shes been sick lately so not interested yet I can't help the fact my drive for her still exists. I wish like a light switch I could turn it off but I genuinely find her so attractive.
One of the curses of how my demisexual nature plays out is everyday I love her and find her more attractive not less.
Every struggle we overcome each special moment to me makes our relationship more exciting not less.
I think this might be my ultimate downfall in being with a non demisexual most people tire or get bored of the familiar. Yet for me it's like I found me favorite thing and can't get enough and that fact it already took my lifetime until bow to find them I don't wanna waste another moment.
You can see why my fursona she sees me as puppy general overcome with enthusiasm. Sometimes it makes me sad when she askes me to get up and I'm so excited to finally interact with her I can be a bit much.
Like oh wow geez she's gonna interact if I had a tail it would be wagging uncontrollably.
Yet often enough it's like hey your a bit much now can you tone it down.
Ugh ? it's like the most exciting thing has happened your awake and now I get to interact and your cranky how could you be cranky it's alive and do stuff time!
Did I mention I have ADHD.
Randomly runs around in a circle ⭕ before hopping on the bed.
Eh maybe I just should be alone this level of excitement for someone I love seems to me too much. ?
Woke up crying and screatming at 5 am ?
Content warning: mentions of trans abuse ⚠️
Having night terrors is maddening. I can recall in great detail tonight's terror.
I was sitting at an old time writing desk with black walls almost floating in a dark room only light by some warm glowing lanters which would flicker with the flame.
A slight smell of sulfur and warm air current filled the room. I was writing on some velum parchment names of people as I started to stare intently to make them out the horror overtook me when I realized what I was writing.
As I slowly looked down it was all the trans and intersex peoples names I know who have died either by murder or suicide.
As I was seeing the names I couldn't stop writing them. My hand as if otherworldly over came my other as I gripped at it so viscously trying to stop I tore my flesh off to the bone.
I started to cry: my tears were thick filled not by water and salt but my red blood. My tears fell upon the names.
I kept writing them over and over totally possessed and my world was a jumble of blood sweat and pain as I frantically tried to keep there names on the page even though I wanted to stop.
I started to scream looking to the heavens yet as I looked up the candles went out leaving me in a total black void dissociated from all but my limb that wouldn't obey me.
The scream became primal filled with terror and greif mortified there's too much loss.
In all of this I kept writing the names over and over, my bones started to snap at the intensity of movements I could feel the snapping and it was a relief that maybe soon my torment would be at an end.
However I couldn't keep up with my tears and I started to choke on my own blood. It stared running into my mouth ovecoming me I started to drown my own lungs couldn't expel my blood fast enough gasping for air all I could get was the distinctive taste of metallic iron thats in blood, my eyes unable to see anything coated in blood.
My hand finally stoped writing because I too was dead - finally free of the suffering.
I can barely fathom a time this grief wasn't upon my heart.
--++
What set me off? My suspicion I had this CD friend of mine when clocked pretended to be transgender as a deflection.
I was disgusted and shocked ? I challenged him. What did you just do? He was like what? Shurging?
In a near scream I exclaimed
"Only a cis white man of privilege could possibly say something so ignorant."
I brought to his attention the murder and suicide rate of trans people and went to a website of anti trans laws and started to read the raw contempt Republicans have for trans and intersex people that's overtaking the nation.
I started to explain the Republicans do this because they have no solutions or vision on how to make the country better.
Thus giving bigots the freedom and consent to hate a group of vulnerable people is cat nip for the lowest filth.
I lost too many loved ones to find this amusing. Transgender day of remembrance exists because we carry on dispite the dead we wear upon our hearts.
Today is officially the day I came into this world an orphan.
My one wish is I don't have to see my country continue to abandon and murder trans people for political gain.
Why does asking for something so reasonable seem unattainable in my lifetime.
I have only one vote but I try to use my voice to advocate and speak up for those who are no longer here.
I don't want to have to have to write one more name in tears of blood.
Neurodivergent People and Empathy ?
First Not all neurodivergent people are the same. However a great many of us myself included when someone shares a story will often comment with something I think of that helps display why I can empathize and how I'm feeling about what was shared.
For example someone recently mentioned how upset they were when a manager harassed them.
My reply was oh I get that I once had a manager sexually harass me and had to go to HR and when he got writen up it actually made things worse.
They then responded it's not a competition geeze I didn't ask you about your life I was looking for some empathy.
I was in near tears ? I tried to explain that was how I show empathy. I wasn't trying to one up - only show I can understand what it feels like due to my own struggles with people who are in management harming me and feeling trapped.
I genuinely feel if I was better able to communicate how my neurodivergent tendencies impact my communication it would clear up many misconceptions.
Please don't be ableist I am publicly sharing how I let down a friend as a public service announcement. Since I didn't intend to hurt them and just wish they understood I wasn't being defensive or making excuses.
I was engaging in a typical practice of neurodivergent people and in-fact it is one of the reasons I end up with so many neurodivergent friends since I don't feel it's such a struggle to communicate.
Best,
Ice
Horrible Psychotherapy Yesterday
I am open about having PTSD and it hasn't responded to traditional treatment.
Most days I am fine, but when I get triggered I am less than my best self. So I tried a modern treatment recently approved known as K therapy.
Studies confirm Ketamine therapy has been shown to help where non traditional have had difficulties with PTSD
Within moments of getting the IM K I ended uncontrollably vomiting for the next hour or so. It was so incredibly uncontrollable that I ended up face down passed out in my own vomit multiple times. I had to have the therapist pick my face out so I didn't suffocate and she kindly wiped vomit off my face and hair.
What's craziest of all they asked me if I had any allergies before the event about a week ago I mentioned I had such a severe allergic reaction to morphine that I was once given before a surgery that I was vomiting up my stomach lining and it truned into a medical emergency.
The doctor involved stated in the email exchange these excat words
" His response was as follows:
True allergy to morphine is uncommon. Nausea is due to cholinergic effects and maybe increasing vestibular sensitivity. Would premedicate with 8mg Zofran ahead of KAP though, but not a contraindication for KAP.
So we should be good to go, and he can prescribe you Zofran, so make sure to bring this up during the med evaluation."
he didn't think it was needed at the time so said will give you the medicine first and see of you need it.
well after it ended up looking like the exorcist in their I hope he learned something vomit can go everywhere!
He actually came in to give me zofran IM during one of the moments I was near passed out in my vomit after I filled up the second vomit bag.
He called me after to apologize he told me in his 30 years of treating people I had the second worst case of nausea he had ever seen and that if I were to continue with K therapy he would do many things differently to try and paralyze my vomit reflex before the treatment starts so that way I can actually have the experience as intended.
I told him I was in no condition to make such a big decision especially after what happened but I am leaning towards never taking ketamine again for the rest of my life because it was so painful and horrific.
Nearly two hours of vomiting non stop and perhaps the only reason I'm not dead is someone could pick my face out of the vomit and tears would turn anyone off.
I find the most ironic thing in this I decided to try the therapy because I wanted to see if I could improve my PTSD episodes.
I actually now had one of the worst experiences in my entire life where I know what its like to be choking on my own vomit too weak to stand struggling to breathe.
I am not upset about it though I told him I was allergic to morphine I never took K before the fact they are a similar class of drugs the doctor should have never given it to me but it wasn't unfounded to attempt since I didn't say I was allergic to k.
Many doctors hear nausea and they think oh a little queazy that's no big deal. Yhey really had no idea to expect that I would vomit so much and so intensively that I was close at one point to being hospitalized yesterday.
Here I am able to type this and stronger having gone through absolute hell.
My PTSD might not have gotten better at all but it reconfirms that I can take one hell of an ass kicking and keep on coming back.
I am quite sore, my throat burns from the stomach acid, and I am coughing up a tiny bit of blood from the irritation. My abdomen and back is so exhausted feels as if someone has taken a sledgehammer to it multiple times.
Standing and sitting upright feels like a chore.
However I am getting better every second .I am glad I didn't die and isn't that itself positive.