Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Reported a sexual harasser at work 🚑

Working an ambulance 🚑 you get close to your partners. Sharing intense and at time life and death moments naturally make tension which is in part relaxed by dark humor and bonds of friendship to get through.

However a male coworker since may had been sexually harassing me. Due to me for a time thinking he was a friend I told him politely that I perfer women and I have a girlfriend and to please never be sexually inappropriate again.

This bubbled up again in August when his girlfriend accused me of wanting him because she found his texts to me which were sexually inappropriate.

I then told him to chill the heck out and leave me alone he apologized for his behavior and the drama but then stated he would still love the honor of being ny friend.

I told him after all he has done that ship has saled I don't mind working with him but he needs to keep it professional or else I will have to go to management about his behavior and I am trying my best to avoid that because I don't want to risk his job I think he's a good person but perhaps a tad emotionally unstable and needs help due to his irrational anger.

Well two weeks later and he's making up issues that never happened trying to get me in trouble with the job. This man has multiple work write ups and tons of issues I been there a year and such a thing has never happened once.

However I'm nervous 🫦 now because I gotta worry he might show up one day and try and stab or shoot me for reporting him. This is America after all me going to management about his poor behavior now has me fearing that going to my job to save lives and help people could get me attacked.

I can't believe that turning him down has caused him to become totally unhinged and force me to do this.

I should have known that I couldn't help him since when he found out I liked magic as a kid and knew how to juggle he ended up teaching himself to juggle to try and impress me.

It was both sweet and ultimately so misguided. I am not into you dude it's not my fault I prefer women I was born this way why couldn't he just let me be.

Why did it have to come to this?

I wrote a letter to three managers about his behavior and now the cards will fall where they may. 😭

Forever Remembered 🌹


You have never died

We yet to bid goodbye

In the hearts of all you touched

Your deeds only grow

I cry tonight because

As in most nights

My love for you burns

No matter the here or hereafter

I say a silent prayer

Though we seem apart

This moment you're alive in my art

The weight of your physical absence

Brings griefs embrace

I know tomorrow will be more sorrow

Till I fade to dust

I hold true

Guarding the memory of you

Until I see where you have been hiding

all this time

and I finally get to say

Peakaboo

losing you - 💔

I always said you'd leave
I seen it all before
Another lover who's only direction
is out the door

You think I didn't try
That I don't feel like I wanna die

But it's never enough
To secure the unsure

I always said you'd leave
I seen it all before
As I grew to believe
I only conceive you didn't mean to deceive

I'm never enough the way I am
Too often I've heard it said
Loud and clear
If only you were someone else your life be better

We could be happy only then
But don't you see honey
If that we're the case I wouldn't be
Can't love what's already dead

I always said you'd leave
I seen it all before
Another lover who's only direction
Is out the door 🚪

Doubt 🥀

Ahh, I wake up

You're not here

The loneliness is now fear

It slowly creeps in

As time goes by

The radiance of us

Is dulled by growing cobwebs

Yet the feelings, the memories

So embedded is a torcher

I starve for your affection

Yet circumstance offers me only famine

Were you ever really mine?

Did I ever mean to you what you did to me

What's crazy is this torment

It might only have been a one way street

I believed in you

Yet why did you ever leave my side

I wanna hide from these feelings

But one thing that can't be untrue

Is I needed you

For a time it felt like you were mine

Yet when the divine turns to rust

And we are but dust

Never let anything be said

Besides the soul thought in my head

You were the last I would ever want to wed.

Feeling Alien 👽 

Intersex people should never be lied to the trauma echos throughout life. 

Today this came into sharp focus hearing some talk about Trans surgery and recoveries. 

The experience was so different for me and it makes me feel like a freak since I never had proper male anatomy at birth. 

Having doctors try and craft a penis and give me male hormones before I had memories for years I thought I was male. 

So when puberty made it clear that I couldn't survive that way due to my periods having an operation was a last resort. I never wanted it. 

Yet trans women are so happy and excited for operations for me it was a death sentence if I didn't. 

Hearing how they have to dilate so strictly to even keep a vagina when I didn't masturbate at all for nearly 20 years after my operation is kinda mind blowing. 

I been so disgusted by my anatomy it's hard to imagine being able to keep up with the required amount.

They are some of the most persistent women more power to em! 

After my operation I begged doctors to just perform a hysterectomy and sow it up entirely. 

I had no interest in exploring my female anatomy so figured there would be no loss. 

However every doctor I asked said some variant of I need therapy and to cope better. 

Well maybe if I wasn't brainwashed and forcibly given interventions against my will this would've been easier for me to adjust to. 

Even though I have improved some I reflect on how the medical recommendation is to abort us.

So many doctors use high pressure tactics I wil post one such story below but read and hear about it all the time. 

Can I actually argue that the world wouldn't be a better place without me in it. How much I suffer at times to exist is difficult. 

My current girlfriend claimed she's T4T yet I'm not trans I'm clearly not cis I'm this thing that we don't even have a proper word for. 

Is it any wonder the pronouns my family used for me growing up was it or thing vs typical gendered names - those words hurt me so to this day. 

Our sociy doesn't really have an answer for where people like me fit. Most cis people tell me I should hide and be ashamed so I can integrate better while trans people are way more supportive with me being myself and admitting my struggles and experiences. 

Yet it hurts to feel that even though I had a similar journey I am foreign to the full trans experience more like a step sister to trans. 

The stats show that with my condition about 1 in 270,000 should exist so for the entire state of Maryland with 6.15 million that means 22 people. 

Yet how many of them were raised male let's assume half that's 11 people. 

Take that 11 assume the roughly 40% that die young for one reason or another.  6 people in this entire state might have a similar experience to me. 

Shitty bastards that like to talk about how rare we are whenever anyone talks about us yeah we are but does that mean we shouldn't exist. Or other people can't argue for our rights. 

I feel so alone sometimes because when other people bond over shared experiences I will always be an inhuman anomaly. 

You know your fucked when you get emails all the time from researchers who want to study your unique biology. 

I am not a lab rat 🐁.  I have hopes and dream yet the older I get the more I realize the core one a world where intersex people have a place at the table and are protected from operations at birth for cosmetic reasons I fear I might never get to live to see that day. 

I can't even do a gynecology exam without individuals wanting to take pictures or write papers about me. 

How am I supposed to ever feel like I belong. 

I am an orphan and to be frank I always said to people that got close to me. 

Don't cry for me I was born alone and I will die alone.

The deepest self reflection 🪞 

I fought suicidal thoughts since the last attempt at 17.

  I didn't want to accept the reality that I had to live in a cis female body the rest of my life due to my genetic condition I felt this being forced on me was enough to sour me on life.  I stayed alive because I felt it my duty as a genius intersex person was to help make the treatment I received as a youth the recommendations that ruined me and tore apart my family stop so even if my life was wasted it wouldn't happen again to another.

  It's been decades since then and I'm finally applying to medical school and this isn't even counting all the people ive saved from my work as an EMT.

  Yet those around me at times see the sadness in me and it frightens them.  Seeing their response made me debate on pulling away however losing my dear friend Prince to self harm recently and how deep the hurt has impacted me changed my mind set. 

I cannot be a part of hurting others the way I have been hurt. The loss seems so senseless and I blame myself for not doing more. He has forced me to a self reckoning but I have such a deep scar of feeling I failed him. 

I took him into my home with hopes to help heal him and support his transition and now all I have is painful memories and the albatross of how my best attempts weren't enough to save someone I loved.

  The same way my life's mission has been to improve things for trans and intersex people. I cannot accept suicide for myself as an option as a second core truth. 

It has been a hard road accepting that I will fight to live my entire life span. I deeply thank everyone who has been with me on this journey. 

I am greatful for the part you played getting me to this moment. Being in a female body isn't a terminal condition and mentally I can adjust my mindset. 

It will take time and hopefully I will have plenty of it before me till the pain is just a memory.

Bluey is a cartoon out of Australia aimed at teaching young children life lessons. 

Outside of Australia the rights belong to Disney with much stricter content regulations. 

Bluey made the news because the episode "Dad baby" has been released on YouTube by the creators in direct opposition to Disneys trying to kill the episode. 

I can see why Disney was anxious in the epsiode a father pretends to give birth to teach the kids about pregnancy. 

"Dad Baby" helps to rasie awareness for what pregnancy is, what it's like, while also normalizing the idea that people have babies. 

Note anyone can choose to be called dad it isn't impossible for someone to carry a child and perfer that title. 

I think the backlash was silly.

Since I started college at 28 I had planned to get into higher level medical care. 

Although between taking care of my grandmother (cancer) and grandfather (Alzheimer's) delayed me. 

These delays got worse when the pandemic made it so I couldn't get any volunteer hours so I went back to school to become a medical professional. 

It all finally comes to this moment. 

The great part is what was once a weakness the past three years I have tons of medical experience. 

Search n rescue, NREMT, WEMT, fema certified, medical assisting degree, and most recently field training officer status. 

I have worked in the field, on the side of mountains, in hospitals, clinics, doctors offices, on ambulances, as standby for events including team USA feild hocky and in advanced specialties of pulmonary and cardiology. 

All this effort years of focus on my growth and skill set is now going to lead to a judgement. 

I feel prepared but no one ever knows how the winds will blow. 

I look forward to a few months from now this process being over and the next phase of my life beginning.

  I don't even know where I will be living or if the place I called home the last few years will cease to exist.

Being a training officer shouldn't be a punishment.

  Today at my Job a newish employee pushed a power stretcher that weighs nearly 150 pound into me so hard I fell to the ground and then ran me over while I was screaming.

  The pain and shock so real I couldn't help but frantically call for help. 

People came running.  

My girlfriend and sage forced me to get seen.

Doing nothing wasn't an option.  After 4 hours in the emergency room affiliated with my job turns out I have a severe sprain and contusion.

  I have to wear a brace and have an appointment set for next Tuesday to follow up about future restrictions and the need for physical therapy.

  An x ray showed no broken bones so that's something.

  I hate to be negative but I have concerns about that employee's focus while at work.

Don't rob ambulances!  

Cameinto work to find vadalism,  while one of my coworkers were dropping someone home from the hospital getting them situated a passer-by decided to use a glass braker and rob the ambulance 🚑.  

Tens of thousands of dollars of equipment plus an ambulance down for how many days? 

Things like this really stress out some EMTs and make them decide to quit "Last year, the turnover rate for full-time emergency medical technicians, known as EMTs, was 36%"  

If you want an ambulance in an hour of need give us a break.