Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I started writing many of my thoughts for a reason.

My two big plans / goals in life were to get into medical school and write my life story because I believe beith everything I have gone through it could help inspire and support other queer people especially trans (even though I am not trans) and intersex people about how just being given a raw start you can achieve great things.

Also I think as an orphan with only one biological relative that even talks to me a part of it is wanting to exist in the world in some ways.

There is the argument of the three deaths. The first is when die the second is when the last person says your name and the final one is when the good you have done in the world turns to dust.

The goal was that by living a grand life and contributing as hard as I could to change the world for the better maybe I could leave an impression on this earth.

I feel with so few Intersex leaders and icons that as someone intelligent and talented it's also kinda my duty to attempt this.

So writing my life thoughts and experiences I hope will help me in this process it is also getting me comfortable with the idea of people getting to know me in an intimate way since what autobiography about my life won't talk about the physical sexual medical and emotional abuse I have been through.

It will be odd one day if someone is coming to see me for treatment as a medical provider and are like hey i read your book so how did you get over the sexual assault n such?

My answer until this very moment I didn't have one but I finally put together something reasonable: your aware of how alcoholics say they are always an alcoholic well in a similar way a sexual abuse survivor is always a survivor the event forever changed my relationship to my body and men. The thing is I leaned with time to not hate all men for the action of a couple in my life just like not all of any group are at fault for the whole.

This took time maturity and lots of work in myself plus learning to gain an appreciation for the good men in my life and realize it was so unfair to treat them poorly because I was scared and hurting.

That's the answer I would give today to a question like that. Hopefully it will continue to refine and grow as I continue to get stronger everyday.

I get to relax for a second.

Saturday my car got randomly towed (parked on a street that had a marathon wasn't even marked) and dumped somewhere in Baltimore taking me hours to find since the city didn't keep any records. (Apparently this was a favor ?)

Sunday the coworker who was sexually harassing me threatened me directly so I finally went to the bosses had to deal with only some of the fallout on Monday who knows what's next❓

Literally as that was happening started therapy with someone new so ended up giving them the abridged version of every horrible thing that haunts me in my PTSD. Was quite emotional having it all stirred up.

I asked a professor for an extension due to the harassment at work taking too much time for me to get one assignment done, and although they were kind enough to grant it they want me to see the college therapist to help process what happened because they are concerned about my well being.

As if I even have time for that?

Today had a 4 hour interview with a medical school so under unbelievable scrutiny for nearly 4 hours going through multiple interviews with faculty and staff. Yet couldn't let them see me at all had to have the polished face only a true performer can produce.

and

Just now finished catching up all my delayed work. I can for the first time in almost 3 days can breathe.

I am annoyed at myself for falling behind in my classes. ?

I normally am way ahead but the last 3 days been such an emotional and time sync I been fighting to get back in the game.

Other people can take a day off but the house of cards of my life cannot go without being attended.

This is the most critical moment of my entire life failure or success rides on me rising above all obstacles or else everything gets delayed for a year or more!

My spark will continue to push onward ! I'm ready for the next phase of my life and no amount of chaos will kill my moment.

Now I must sleep for tomorrow I will attack the day and make the struggle of the last couple days feel like just a memory.

Being female bodied is rough. ?

Following up on my last post a coworker who was sexually harassing me escalated to a threat yesterday when we worked together.

At the end of a quite dramatic situation as we were prepping the ambulance he said I got something to say and he went on an angry fueled tirade on how because I'm applying to medical school that doesn't make me better than anyone and I should respect him and others more instead of being a B--ch.

The way he said it I could see it was a proxy for the fact I rejected his advances and told him a couple of weeks ago if he didn't stop I would go to management.

Yesterday I had a therapy session and oddly as I was driving over my Boss called me told me to give him some receipts or else they can't do anything.

So I had to quickly go through my phone and provide screenshots while trying not to be late.

My boss said something don't know if its a trained to say comment or from the heart.

He called me brave for coming forward. I certainly don't feel very brave since I tried to manage the co worker on my own for months by reasoning with him about the situation.

I feel I failed because I let him get to me and I came forward to face this unknown because I couldn't handle it on my own anymore now I'm anxious he might attack me or my bosses angry with me.

I don't want to lose my job because a coworker couldn't take a rejection yet now who knows ultimately what's going to happen.

All I can say is that I am happy that I am no longer covering for my abuser.

I no longer have to pretend I am ok with his unbelievable amount of BS.

Reported a sexual harasser at work ?

Working an ambulance ? you get close to your partners. Sharing intense and at time life and death moments naturally make tension which is in part relaxed by dark humor and bonds of friendship to get through.

However a male coworker since may had been sexually harassing me. Due to me for a time thinking he was a friend I told him politely that I perfer women and I have a girlfriend and to please never be sexually inappropriate again.

This bubbled up again in August when his girlfriend accused me of wanting him because she found his texts to me which were sexually inappropriate.

I then told him to chill the heck out and leave me alone he apologized for his behavior and the drama but then stated he would still love the honor of being ny friend.

I told him after all he has done that ship has saled I don't mind working with him but he needs to keep it professional or else I will have to go to management about his behavior and I am trying my best to avoid that because I don't want to risk his job I think he's a good person but perhaps a tad emotionally unstable and needs help due to his irrational anger.

Well two weeks later and he's making up issues that never happened trying to get me in trouble with the job. This man has multiple work write ups and tons of issues I been there a year and such a thing has never happened once.

However I'm nervous ? now because I gotta worry he might show up one day and try and stab or shoot me for reporting him. This is America after all me going to management about his poor behavior now has me fearing that going to my job to save lives and help people could get me attacked.

I can't believe that turning him down has caused him to become totally unhinged and force me to do this.

I should have known that I couldn't help him since when he found out I liked magic as a kid and knew how to juggle he ended up teaching himself to juggle to try and impress me.

It was both sweet and ultimately so misguided. I am not into you dude it's not my fault I prefer women I was born this way why couldn't he just let me be.

Why did it have to come to this?

I wrote a letter to three managers about his behavior and now the cards will fall where they may. ?

Forever Remembered ?


You have never died

We yet to bid goodbye

In the hearts of all you touched

Your deeds only grow

I cry tonight because

As in most nights

My love for you burns

No matter the here or hereafter

I say a silent prayer

Though we seem apart

This moment you're alive in my art

The weight of your physical absence

Brings griefs embrace

I know tomorrow will be more sorrow

Till I fade to dust

I hold true

Guarding the memory of you

Until I see where you have been hiding

all this time

and I finally get to say

Peakaboo

losing you - ?

I always said you'd leave
I seen it all before
Another lover who's only direction
is out the door

You think I didn't try
That I don't feel like I wanna die

But it's never enough
To secure the unsure

I always said you'd leave
I seen it all before
As I grew to believe
I only conceive you didn't mean to deceive

I'm never enough the way I am
Too often I've heard it said
Loud and clear
If only you were someone else your life be better

We could be happy only then
But don't you see honey
If that we're the case I wouldn't be
Can't love what's already dead

I always said you'd leave
I seen it all before
Another lover who's only direction
Is out the door ?

Doubt ?

Ahh, I wake up

You're not here

The loneliness is now fear

It slowly creeps in

As time goes by

The radiance of us

Is dulled by growing cobwebs

Yet the feelings, the memories

So embedded is a torcher

I starve for your affection

Yet circumstance offers me only famine

Were you ever really mine?

Did I ever mean to you what you did to me

What's crazy is this torment

It might only have been a one way street

I believed in you

Yet why did you ever leave my side

I wanna hide from these feelings

But one thing that can't be untrue

Is I needed you

For a time it felt like you were mine

Yet when the divine turns to rust

And we are but dust

Never let anything be said

Besides the soul thought in my head

You were the last I would ever want to wed.

Feeling Alien ? 

Intersex people should never be lied to the trauma echos throughout life. 

Today this came into sharp focus hearing some talk about Trans surgery and recoveries. 

The experience was so different for me and it makes me feel like a freak since I never had proper male anatomy at birth. 

Having doctors try and craft a penis and give me male hormones before I had memories for years I thought I was male. 

So when puberty made it clear that I couldn't survive that way due to my periods having an operation was a last resort. I never wanted it. 

Yet trans women are so happy and excited for operations for me it was a death sentence if I didn't. 

Hearing how they have to dilate so strictly to even keep a vagina when I didn't masturbate at all for nearly 20 years after my operation is kinda mind blowing. 

I been so disgusted by my anatomy it's hard to imagine being able to keep up with the required amount.

They are some of the most persistent women more power to em! 

After my operation I begged doctors to just perform a hysterectomy and sow it up entirely. 

I had no interest in exploring my female anatomy so figured there would be no loss. 

However every doctor I asked said some variant of I need therapy and to cope better. 

Well maybe if I wasn't brainwashed and forcibly given interventions against my will this would've been easier for me to adjust to. 

Even though I have improved some I reflect on how the medical recommendation is to abort us.

So many doctors use high pressure tactics I wil post one such story below but read and hear about it all the time. 

Can I actually argue that the world wouldn't be a better place without me in it. How much I suffer at times to exist is difficult. 

My current girlfriend claimed she's T4T yet I'm not trans I'm clearly not cis I'm this thing that we don't even have a proper word for. 

Is it any wonder the pronouns my family used for me growing up was it or thing vs typical gendered names - those words hurt me so to this day. 

Our sociy doesn't really have an answer for where people like me fit. Most cis people tell me I should hide and be ashamed so I can integrate better while trans people are way more supportive with me being myself and admitting my struggles and experiences. 

Yet it hurts to feel that even though I had a similar journey I am foreign to the full trans experience more like a step sister to trans. 

The stats show that with my condition about 1 in 270,000 should exist so for the entire state of Maryland with 6.15 million that means 22 people. 

Yet how many of them were raised male let's assume half that's 11 people. 

Take that 11 assume the roughly 40% that die young for one reason or another.  6 people in this entire state might have a similar experience to me. 

Shitty bastards that like to talk about how rare we are whenever anyone talks about us yeah we are but does that mean we shouldn't exist. Or other people can't argue for our rights. 

I feel so alone sometimes because when other people bond over shared experiences I will always be an inhuman anomaly. 

You know your fucked when you get emails all the time from researchers who want to study your unique biology. 

I am not a lab rat ?.  I have hopes and dream yet the older I get the more I realize the core one a world where intersex people have a place at the table and are protected from operations at birth for cosmetic reasons I fear I might never get to live to see that day. 

I can't even do a gynecology exam without individuals wanting to take pictures or write papers about me. 

How am I supposed to ever feel like I belong. 

I am an orphan and to be frank I always said to people that got close to me. 

Don't cry for me I was born alone and I will die alone.

The deepest self reflection ? 

I fought suicidal thoughts since the last attempt at 17.

  I didn't want to accept the reality that I had to live in a cis female body the rest of my life due to my genetic condition I felt this being forced on me was enough to sour me on life.  I stayed alive because I felt it my duty as a genius intersex person was to help make the treatment I received as a youth the recommendations that ruined me and tore apart my family stop so even if my life was wasted it wouldn't happen again to another.

  It's been decades since then and I'm finally applying to medical school and this isn't even counting all the people ive saved from my work as an EMT.

  Yet those around me at times see the sadness in me and it frightens them.  Seeing their response made me debate on pulling away however losing my dear friend Prince to self harm recently and how deep the hurt has impacted me changed my mind set. 

I cannot be a part of hurting others the way I have been hurt. The loss seems so senseless and I blame myself for not doing more. He has forced me to a self reckoning but I have such a deep scar of feeling I failed him. 

I took him into my home with hopes to help heal him and support his transition and now all I have is painful memories and the albatross of how my best attempts weren't enough to save someone I loved.

  The same way my life's mission has been to improve things for trans and intersex people. I cannot accept suicide for myself as an option as a second core truth. 

It has been a hard road accepting that I will fight to live my entire life span. I deeply thank everyone who has been with me on this journey. 

I am greatful for the part you played getting me to this moment. Being in a female body isn't a terminal condition and mentally I can adjust my mindset. 

It will take time and hopefully I will have plenty of it before me till the pain is just a memory.

Bluey is a cartoon out of Australia aimed at teaching young children life lessons. 

Outside of Australia the rights belong to Disney with much stricter content regulations. 

Bluey made the news because the episode "Dad baby" has been released on YouTube by the creators in direct opposition to Disneys trying to kill the episode. 

I can see why Disney was anxious in the epsiode a father pretends to give birth to teach the kids about pregnancy. 

"Dad Baby" helps to rasie awareness for what pregnancy is, what it's like, while also normalizing the idea that people have babies. 

Note anyone can choose to be called dad it isn't impossible for someone to carry a child and perfer that title. 

I think the backlash was silly.