Ice Girl's public thoughts.

My girlfriend wants me to lose my virginity. ?

People who haven't gone to a live Rocky Horror Picture Show Cast are called virgins.

Why? I don't know perhaps you know include in the comments.

Until recently I only saw the movie once on comedy central nearly two decades ago with commercials and wondered what the big deal was.

My father's sister wanted to take me when I was a teenager. After he lost custody none of that side of my family wanted anything to do with me anymore so that ended my interest.

Since it's important to my girlfriend - I guess it's time to get my to cherry popped. Apparently the production we are going to if you wear a costume it's free I am going to go as Pomni the clown ?.

I recently watched the amazing digital circus and quite enjoyed it. Pomni is someone who may or may not be dead as there thoughts have connected them to a virtual world that has become an existential crisis.

Is Pomni in limbo, is she dead, what is her existence? It is a reflection of the joke being trapped in the current with no logical escape: thus all you have is to laugh at the lunacy that is life.

Ah yes a depressed clown ? that is slowly dying from the inside out seems a match to me.

"For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity."

Jean Dubuffet

My breasts enjoy being touched.

A person wrote this question on reddit- Do women enjoy having their breasts touched, because they don't enjoy it.

It is important to remember that the largest sex organ is the brain so context matters.

A random stranger grabbing my breasts in the grocery store would freak me out and make me angry.

A person I have a romantic connection with touches them - then it definitely is stimulating, in a good way.

My breasts and especially the areola are quite sensitive to all sorts of touching.

One important aspect is that before an intense touch it is important to create the emotional context even if you are someone I consent to touching.

I think it's important to state even with my gender fluid nature I enjoy my breasts. I advocated to keep them when I was young and thus they hold a special place in my independence and self identity.

This is part why even though they are big and a handful I have never seriously considered getting them reduced.

Nimona - But I'm Not a Girl I'm a Shark ?

I enjoyed this animated movie. When being different is the only reason people hate you it hits different.

Be it for religious differences, sexuality, gender, shape - all differences should be celebrated.

Nimona's love of herself and confidence stems from celebrating being different. I spent a long time thinking I was a monster.

Being born Intersex from the day I came into this earth my own family hated me.

My own mother called me it and freak so much I never even had a name till I legally applied for one.

Is it any wonder I want nothing to do with my so called blood. Finding life and joy in radically being yourself is Metal! ?

What's monstrous isn't a person but a society that seeks scapegoats to distract from it's own decay.

When Most Stressed my Period Strikes ?

I have an important mid term today, getting over having covid, missed work lately so money is tight and what's my body solution? ?

How about we cramp up so hard that sitting upright is beyond my capabilities. While leaking blood and mucus uncontrollably this isn't even addressing having to scuttle to the bathroom for the diarrhea with a migraine making me dizzy. ?

(Prostaglandins are responsible for uterine contractions during menstruation - Prostaglandins are a common cause of diarrhea during menstruation.)

Whenever anyone comments about how perfect life is designed so it must be a God or some sorta intelligent design I can't help but laugh at the absurdisty. ?Clearly those people must believe that designer must hate women.✝️

How could it be the same hormone for both uterine contractions and diarrhea makes zero sense. ?

Seriously isn't it bad enough leaking out one hole once a month, does it really need to be both below the waist. ⁉️

I'm gonna go hate life for a bit

Tired but not sleepy.

I have to Monday call and argue with workman's comp I been waiting on orthotics I have needed for almost 2 months because of an injury that happened in April.

I came down with COVID-19 and that caused me to miss some of what little work I can do recently.

My debit card was stolen at a fast food location when I forgot to demand it back and had to deal with that mess with the bank.

Have a Big exam in about 6 days I barely studied for because I have been digging myself out of being behind on school work due to these other issues I listed above.

As if those acute problems weren't enough my dog is slowly dying of old age. She is having trouble controlling her excretion and will sorta be walking over and just randomly poop or pee. Of course I'm not upset at her I took her in at 11 I wasn't expecting a puppy but at 13 I am wondering if she's gonna make 14.

It is always darkest before the dawn as I try to sleep this night is a pretty darn dark one. I'm hurting I'm tired I'm restless. Is it any wonder why I scream in my sleep.

Yesterday my girlfriend literally slapped me awake because I was screaming Oh MY GOD in terror while asleep in a total panic.

When she seemed concerned after she woke me I told her I was being slowly run over by a massive truck - I could feel it crushing my bones. compared my typical nightmares of reliving past trauma getting crushed was a sorta chill change of pace all things considered.

I just screamed so loudly because it was so painful and shocking in the moment and it was an original nightmare for me until she woke me I couldn't tell It wasn't real.

 Pain binds with every breath ?

The memory of my mother trying to brow beat a surgeon to remove my breasts over my crying protests is etched in my psychology.

That moment solidified my knowledge in my Intersex condition and changed my life.

My family's disappointment in my natural body increased by societies disgusting treatment of females is the root of my own insecurities around my body.

I have seen how I am treated when the F42's are on full display I do not perfer it so bind most days in public.

I wear binders intentionally as tight as my body can tolerate. Sometimes even breathing causes mild pain and I can see bruising on my ribs when I take them off.

Recently I had my binder on for 17 hours working as an EMT the job called for me to stay later then is usual.

When I got home simply taking it off was enough to make me shutter in pain the bruises made my body so tender my girlfriend trying to touch my body caused me to wince and recoil in genuine pain.

Ain't no one gonna stop the clown ?

I was singing a song about waiting for the professor with lyrics I made up on the spot the other day before class

It went something like:

gotta stand standing, waiting to be where you dont wanna be, oh can it be, should I see, him down the hall, oh no not at all, guess I will just fall -- while pratfalling on the ground.

A female classmate gave me a dirty look saying um like seriously ?

I shot back "no jokingly ?" with huge smile tilting my head.

Got a huge roar of laughter from the other students waiting. ☺️

Ps. Just wrote about this in a dm figured I would share it with everyone so you can get an idea ? of what I am like in person when full ADHD mode engages.?

Do to the conversation in this thread I decided to text her about it and ask why we can't hang out as much anymore.

Her reply is - "I'm around. Silent cheerleader in the background!!"

That wasn't an answer clearly and when pressed further she refused to address it.

Note we used to have lunch together like once a week and go to the gym together for almost two years she was my best female friend now she won't even have the decency to explain why she won't see me in real life anymore.

This is how I know it's her insecure cop consiverative roided up husband. She has hinted back before he put his foot down many times how he doesn't like queer stuff and that if I met him it's best not to mention it.

Now you might wonder ok so a friend cut you off over your husband why does that bother you so much people lose friends all the time for all sorts of reasons.

She actually helped me at one of my lowest moments. Being intersex my body hasn't always had the best medical care for a time a new primary took me off progesterone which lead my bones to become weak and start to break easily.

When a bone metabolic specialist got involved she ended up being furious change my levels to right the ship. The issue is when everything was in a healthy level I started to have periods again for the first time in almost 5 years.

I have some serious gender dysphoria at times because I am not the most comfortable being in a female body so this was difficult for me not only to accept and process but adapt to.

The worst event was I once went to the gym with a friend and while I was working out it started outta no where and I was wearing my white martial arts uniform.

To say I almost died of embarrassment is to put it mildly when I got home I was crying in a near fetal position when jen got off work she came over and tried to comfort me and shared how it's a universal thing all women have an embarrassing moment don't feel so bad about it.

I genuinely don't know how I would have coped at that moment if she wasn't there helping me not just feel like total crap.

You think this doesn't have layers read other blogs if mine. I have XY chromosomes but in short my Y chromosomes didn't work properly so my body formed off the instructions off the X thus I have a cis women's body.

You know how rare this is estimated about 1 in 270,000 you know how many times I just wished I was male or had to deal with idiots say shit like XX is female and XY is male that's science totally ignoring the fact there are over 40 intersex conditions that don't care about what typically happens.

So when I had a friend that literally is one of the few people I could totally open up to and be vulnerable with just up and leave because her husband doesn't like the fact I'm attracted to women has been brutal.

wait-listed again.?

For my second medical school I got a letter more taliored in reply.

It even called me a highly competitive applicant where as the other school had me as just a generic wait list.

The issue is I graduated with my main degree in 2015 and then took a couple of years off to take care of my grandmother who was dying of cancer no longer with us and my grandfather who has Alzheimer's.

Then when my aunt moved in and I felt free to get back to my career when covid hit and I did a pivot into working as an EMT and medical assistant in the heart of COVID-19 while also volunteering as search and rescue while tutoring children that were struggling to learn due to COVID-19 shutting down schools.

You would think this is the kind of mature person with good moral character and professional experience that would maje a good advanced provider.

However many medical schools have limits when classes expire, they have to be within 5 years / 10 years each school is different.

I have just now realized that I might need to retake nearly every "required" class again due to them refusing to see my lived medical healthcare experience where I'm now and Feild training Officer that literally trains and helps license EMTs as consideration because my English 100 class was taken in 2011.

Lord knows it would be impossible for me to pass medical school if I didn't retake English 100.

What sucks is the thought that if I don't get chosen off of the wait-list I will need to cram 3-5 classes in one semester to try and plug as many of these so called issues so that the algorithm won't have a problem with me next cycle and maybe try to squeeze something in winter and summer.

I generally hate bureaucracy and this is maximum hoop jumping for bureaucracy sake.

I want to get in so I can perform higher level medical care and thus have a greater impact in people's lives thus I will comply if it comes to it

If I get in there's only gonna be relief ?‍? plan B is gonna waste another year of my life retaking things I already know.

The money the time the effort I am already starting to expect plan b there is no promise of getting off either wait-list.

Nothing in my life has ever been easy so why shouldn't I get more hurdles thrown my way when I'm so close to one of my goals.

I hate homophobia and it is quite active?

One of my good friends used to go to the gym with me almost once a week and would text me back and forth daily.

For almost half a year she barely talks to me unless I contact her first and I have to beg her to hangout.

What was the main change the moment when she told her husband that I moved in with my girlfriend and mentioned that I'm a lesbian.

It's understandable he's an ex military cop so naturally had more conservative views and if the choice is a friend or your husband I don't blame her choices.

I blame a society that empowered him to even make thay request and ruin a friendship and for what fear I might sleep with his wife? (Not my fault the roids and age made it hard for him to get it up)

Or that she's already liberal and I might poison her with more thoughts about how queer people are human.

One thing about women is most of us had been abused and the thought of being with someone who didn't consent makes me sick. So I'd never touch a female friend unless consent was given because I'm not a shit bag like many men are.

Another time recently

I wrote about it at the time but me and my girlfriend were holding hands in my car some psycho drove up next to us and said something like "where are the men in your life and what do your fathers think of you or some shit like that" gesturing at us as he then ran thru a red light. What a psycho

I have had members of my own family talk about how it's never gonna work two women ugh that's doomed with all the emotional baggage what if our periods line up.

I don't understand why so many other people look down and judge how and what I do with my life. You don't wanna have a same sex relationship don't have one ? tada. Is it that they resent it because they wish they could experience this forbidden thing in there mind. Like seriously if my friends husband needs to take it in the butt I know plenty of guys willing to service him I wouldn't mind pegging him if it would help him chill the eff out.

Seriously why should others care if I personally get more emotional and sexual gratification out of being with women does it hurt them in some sorta way?

I wish the insecurities around same sex relationships would finally end.

Whats the worst part is I wish I could be even more affectionate towards my girlfriend but because of all this bullshit she doesn't even feel comfortable with me talking about the relationship that much or public displays of affection.

Random heterosexuals get to do everything but fuck in public and the worst they might get is a rude comment but as a women who loves women who I gotta keep it on the downlow or risk harassment or worse.

One of the first actions I did for the Tolerance club in my high school (kinda like a gay straight alliance) was two of my gay friends got suspended for kissing in the hallway and I organized a sit in the main office with hundreds of students after tipping off the local paper until they reversed the suspension and admitted they were being unfair since heterosexual couples got away with far worse and no one was ever suspended.

Its insane to see that in 20 years the same battle to be treated fairly exists.

I just want to love who I love without reprisal when will the madness end.