Ice Girl's public thoughts.

On Feeling Erased 🥺  

Havingan intersex condition gave me a unique experience. 

When most people with a female phenotype (body) reach puberty there's often celebration for coming of age. 

In my case since my family had tried to raise me male it was gaslighting taking me to all sorts of doctors and threats that if I don't have my breasts removed they will starve me since the only reason I have breasts is because I'm overweight. 

If people wonder why even though I have a relatively cis female body I have trouble at times identifying as a woman the trauma is part of it. 

My own mother just a couple of days ago called me her deformed son. Just ask yourself how often you have seen online XY equals male and XX equals female type arguments around the sexes. 

I'm a male geneticly that has periods. I never wanted to transition or be anything other then what my body did yet due to my genetics the body is female this happens about one outta 90,000 or so genetic males. 

So I can carry a child but people still call me a male to my face there are times I just want to maul someone. 

I am so sick of explaining that there are many intersex variants and my experience is not unique. 

For a long time I lived Life I didn't say a word about my condition because of the treatment I got when I did. 

Yet if no one speaks out then how can misconceptions be removed.

  I actually regret the amount of time I spent repeating the trash view that I am somehow defective. You know for the majority of my life I did repeate the lie I am a male with a rare birth defect. 

I have over the last few years come to understand it differently. 

I am a female who just had an unusual experience. Having a female body isn't a defect and I wouldn't ever say to any of my female friends you should be ashamed of your body for not being s mans. 

It's outrageous the way many medical people and my family made me feel the majority of my life.

  I am not cursed or punished I'm relatively healthy and am finally starting to feel better about life because my body isn't the problem it's the way people treat me and others who are unique in some way. 

I write about these feelings because it was a long journey to get here and if others weren't so ill informed negative and abusive it could of happened much earlier.

  I genuinely hope by this transparency people's minds our expanded to the human experience and future intersex individuals just have that muc easier of a road.

Only Bigots Debate Against Trans 

Research has shown Trans individuals have brain development from birth that makes them who they are. 

Additionally for the de trans argument it is less then 1% who do, and upon further study the majority of those individuals ended up being that way due to lack of support, family, or isolation thus even that group it seems is a misconception. 

Also are we going to simply ignore the 99% of Trans people who the treatment has saved their lives and improved mental and physical well being. 

Furthermore it is currently 10% who regret knee replacement and I don't see advocates running around saying stop it with all the knee operations. 

Just like so few seemed to give a damn about womens sports in this country until one trans woman won a swimming competition. 

If you want to attack trans people just admit it you are a bigot live with the knowledge that you're feelings are not based in fact.  

Oneday this behavior will be taught as a cultural artifact.

Only scum asks an Intersex or Trans person "but what is your real name?"

  Today I met another EMT at my job who's an orphan so naturally I got along with her. 

That was until I shared I was Intersex. When she asked about my condition and I felt I could share the full truth it was a big mistake. 

All of a sudden what was a cordial relationship turned into her grilling me for my "real name" and getting all personal about my genitals. 

She also referred to me as a malformed women and told me how sorry she feels that I'm not a whole woman. 

The faith I had in this person clearly misplaced. I figured she as someone who struggled in a similar manner could be my friend. 

Yet she failed human decency. She did what so many attempt to do rob me of my personhood. 

Not a single person asks to be born Intersex or trans. You think I wanted a body that is "atypical".  : 

Myreplymy name is my real name, it's on my medical license, birth certificate, social security card, passport and since everything was done when I became an independent minor as a teenager any other records were sealed. 

She replied well that's not your real name though.  News flash my name is my real name, and I don't give a damn what my family that didn't want me attempted to call me. 

Anyone who thinks otherwise needs a lesson on morality. 

“That’s how Yubaba controls you… by stealing your name.” -Haku

Reflection on Writing About my Life🥀 

The thoughts come at unexpected times PTSD will do that.

The trauma of being the spawn of a rape and orphaned by my family not because of a reasonable situation like they couldn't afford it or they wanted what's best for me but that an Intersex child is one unworthy of being loved has left deep wounds.  

Frommy first breath I was looked at with disgust and pity. 

I have in my life so prayed for love yet it never came so I show love towards others as if somehow embodiment of the ideals I would want people to have would make them appear in the world. 

Yet does that bring me love or an end to the loneliness? 

Often no. 

This diary of my thoughts and deeds is a place where I can investigate my emotional dispare and hopefully one day triumph. 

A small triumph, 

For example my job promoted me into a field training officer recently.  So I get to train and assist other EMTs to provide higher quality care. 

This is a task I am well suited for since it will enable me to help more people be better at care which will alleviate more suffering then what I can do by my actions alone. 

Teaching sharing wisdom can exponentially assist with suffering in the world. With my absolute resolve I intend to coach those under my guidance to be peerless for the sake of the community.

How stressful gender can feel. 

There are days where I genuinely want to just cry endlessly to not be bothered for a moment. 

I am Intersex was rasied as male had been given medications to try to masculinize me but they failed and found out during puberty I had internal female structures. 

The issue is our society doesn't have a way to deal with that experience and even though I lived it I feel a part of me died and I am kinda never gonna fit in. 

I never wanted to be female or male mostly I wanted to be left alone so many trips to the doctors medical interventions lies on why I was taking medicine -- constant sicknesses of my youth. 

It's quite hard sometimes to accept I have a female body.

My life is so insane that one day I wouldn't mind waking to find out I was in a coma and this was all a bizarre dream. 

Yet that's not in the cards I have been working on my acceptance of the situation. 

The other day I had a moment where my body sorta got on my nerves and I was so angry with it yet my girlfriend was like eh calm down it's not a big deal. 

She more then anyone has supported the fact I can not fixate on gender for half a second. 

I used to look at life like to be endured as in an endless torture.

  I am a fairly depressed person yet I have optimism that things will get better one day. Even if I never feel 100% comfortable in my body and my Intersex experience always makes me feel alone it's better to be then cease.

Premenstrual dyphoric disorder is a condition where people who mensturate get anxious and depressed leading up to and sometimes during the start of periods. 

I have not been formally diagnosed with this condition but at times when my body does things I find it extremely uncomfortable not just physically but emotionally. 

I like many people have been on a life long journey to discover myself yet who would have thought in my teens someone with XY chromosomes would have the news broken to them they have a uterus? 

Some people in my life have been like yeah we know get over it and move on with life. I think in many ways the shock of it was still so great it's playing out still to this day in ways. 

I truly value my partner she's been a lifesaver. Today an accident happened and what easily could have sent me into an emotional overload her love and support being there kept me grounded and positive. 

The human body is weird n awkward at times it's true for anyone. The people who can take those embarrassing moments and make you laugh it off and feel better for having them by your side when dealing with the issue is a treat. 

Friends are not chosen family

They are given family 

Every friend who has given

Time, compassion, emotional investment 

I choose to acknowledge as Paramount to who I am

For that I give eternal thanks

As more opportunities open up be it sports, education, professional accolades women have shown that what was impossible is attainable.   

The news- Two high school senior girls defeated boys this week to win state wrestling championships in Maine and Arizona. 

In Maine, 17-year-old Maddie Ripley of Oceanside High School defeated three boys in one day to defend the state title she won last year. 

Jimenez, a senior at Sunnyside High School in Tucson, Arizona, beat boys in the 107-pound weight class to win a title at the AIA Arizona High School State Wrestling Championships.

Trigger warning ⚠️ Abuse PTSD 

With what has happened recently with Nex in the news has brought back so many memories of why I am the way I am.  

Dueto my body not being able to masculinize during puberty and actually growing into typically female dimensions it caused merciless teasing abuse and attempted sexual assaults. 

I had an assault once at school where my own skull was slammed into a metal slide breaking my skull and I had to get rushed to the hospital. 

The difference here is that I lived it could have been me that had their skull damaged surrounded by bullies and no longer alive. 

The difference is after that I trained to become an elite fighter and if anyone so much as looked at me funny I put them through a wall the fear that my life was on the line for my very existence is still in me. 

I never wanted to transition I never felt like much of a female, society was the thing that was unable to comprehend a male developing female sex characteristics would it have been that bad if people just left me alone? 

What's wrong if I was a physical female with a male name and acted like a dude who cares? 

The fact is so much of what I did was for other people to exist without constant abuse. 

My girlfriend often says focus on what you want outta life. 

I didn't get any of it a world thats safe for Intersex trans and nonbinary people. A family that's loving and accepting. Someone who wants to be with me dispite my mental and physical scars.  But I persist because in my heart I believe that my actions can make a difference in the future. 

It's been looking grim lately but if we don't fight if we don't speak out if we don't demand the world to atone for it's sins against our existence it will only be worse. 

So many nights when I was young I prayed for someone to fight to make it better well here I am in my life everyday I do what I can. 

I save lives, I educate, I speak out, I persist in the face of adversity. 

Today is a harder day I have lost so many friends in my life already who were queer through violence and too many at theit own hands. 

One of the things I hear old people talk about is the hardest part of getting old is watching your friends die. They say this to me as if being young I haven't. 

Well I hate to burst your bubble gramps I had to bury my own friend who killed themselves in my own home, and watch their family not even refer to him by his name and he wasn't even half your god damn age. 

They talk of the bliss of youth and what it would be like to be young again. Well in my life it feels like a warzone. 

What have I seen to be hopeful lately the government criminalize my and others existence, always wondering if I am gonna hear about another friend who was murdered or killed themselves.  When I open up my news feed I don't know if I am gonna see the same shit I went though 20 years ago is gonna claim the life of a poor defenseless kid.

Of course no one pays for the crime I mean why would they our lives have no value. 

My abject hate for the way things are is what keeps me alive. I am sick of it and shall continue to fight for change. 

If you're not doing everything you can to push back against the current state of affairs I hope you know you genuinely are part of the problem. 

You're comfort is something I've never known a day in my life if you're not outraged. 

I guess maybe I just need to pull away from people they just don't have a clue how horrible this feels.

  Today I became aware of the most ridiculous controversy in a long time: Shaq the ex-basketball player and others have accused Stevie Wonder of not being blind. 

What is their claim, that at times he responds in such a way they don't understand? 

First, there are other senses sound and smell for example, we already know that when one area of the brain is limited these other senses improve due to the reliance on them. 

Yet that's not the full idiotic aspect on display it is that blindness is a spectrum many people can be legally blind yet still see shapes, outlines or impressions.  Blindness doesn't mean anything but blackness 🤔 but do people care to understand the differences between vision impairments to legal blindness? 💢 

Of course not because it doesn't matter in their daily life but when a disabled blind person is having their good name dragged through the mud due to false accusations of lying their whole life it is sad that we accept this outrageous behavior without punishing the abusers.

  As a disabled person myself I take great offense to this.

  If any of you have met me you might say But didn't you run marathons and can backflip or front flip while also boasting about your intellect how can you be disabled? 

I have two core issues that impact me my disabilities are dyslexia which presents with dysgraphia and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. 

I had been in treatment for dyslexia from 1st grade until about the end of high school. I would have reading coaches, writing coaches, and at times I'd have nasty professors who would openly mock me and how I shouldn't try so hard since people like me can't amount to much. 

Invisible disabilities hurt worse when people downplay them. Even the person I mentioned loving so much and dating got into it with me when she didn't know me better. 

I remember on a couple of occasions asking for her help due to having extreme difficulty with something and she didn't understand why and not only pushed back but yelled at me for having the difficulty in the first place.

  A more recent example -  I was cooking the other day at a friend's house got distracted for a moment and ended up leaving the oven on really low heat. 

They screamed at me like I burned down the house and told me what a dangerous person I was to be around. 

I for the rest of my life have to bring in paperwork at jobs to explain that I am on amphetamines (Adderall) due to my disorder because the prescription medication I'm on triggers drug tests as an illicit substance yet people laugh it off as a joke. 

Do some people abuse the diagnosis to try and get uppers legally? 

I would assume so🤷‍♀️  I wouldn't know though since for me like many with ADHD it makes me extremely sleepy and due to the stigma and shame for needing the medication I often try to go off it and when I do the symptoms come back horribly. 

Struggling with ADHD feels so much worse today since I know what it feels like to not have ADHD raging out of control so it's quite disturbing going without the medication and feeling like I have lost myself. 

As much as people joke about disabilities or discriminatory behavior they are quite real. 

Picking on people who struggle with health matters isn't funny it's being a bully, for kids who do it one can say they aren't mature enough yet to see the harm yet for adults there is no excuse. 

Humanity needs to be more empathetic to the suffering of others. I at times wanna bash my head into a wall because I can't stop being this way. 

What's worse is my ADHD was impacted as a result of me having my genitals mutilated as a child. 

So when I see someone attack a person with a disability I take it personally since it reminds me of all the mocking and ostracizing I've faced my entire life.

 My best friend who lives in CT was visiting this past weekend.

He said something about the person I am dating that makes sense.  He said I have never been so complementary of any person before. 

I really believe this is a direct result of being sapiosexual. Since most people are of average intellect and creativity I find most people of average company. 

The person I am currently dating is the smartest woman I have ever dated by a long shot and even though I am also intelligent as I got older I started to get lazy with my intellectual pursuits.

  Junior chess champion

Played in Carnegie Hall

4 college degrees

Olympic caliber Martial artist 

Anything I put my mind to I became great at yet I was getting so depressed and bored with life the last few years I was beginning to think what's the point anymore. 

Currently me and my girlfriend have argued most about when I apply to medical programs I wanted to stay close and probably go to whatever the easiest one was to skate by having lost my desire to be the best. 

She refuses and told me if I don't do my best she wouldn't even want to be with me anymore. 

I think the thing that hurt me most was losing my grandma who I took care of when she was dying of cancer. 

She was always so excited whenever I would do or be excited by anything.

She was so proud of me yet once she expired the depression and lacking someone I truly loved in my corner like that just made me feel less energetic.

  Yet now my girlfriend wants me to do my best which is a tall ask since my best is usually unbelievably intense.

I am greatful she is in my life and it is for her not only being someone I look up to and admire but someone who pushes me to be the best I can be that causes me to hold her in the highest regard.