Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Feeling Alien ? 

Intersex people should never be lied to the trauma echos throughout life. 

Today this came into sharp focus hearing some talk about Trans surgery and recoveries. 

The experience was so different for me and it makes me feel like a freak since I never had proper male anatomy at birth. 

Having doctors try and craft a penis and give me male hormones before I had memories for years I thought I was male. 

So when puberty made it clear that I couldn't survive that way due to my periods having an operation was a last resort. I never wanted it. 

Yet trans women are so happy and excited for operations for me it was a death sentence if I didn't. 

Hearing how they have to dilate so strictly to even keep a vagina when I didn't masturbate at all for nearly 20 years after my operation is kinda mind blowing. 

I been so disgusted by my anatomy it's hard to imagine being able to keep up with the required amount.

They are some of the most persistent women more power to em! 

After my operation I begged doctors to just perform a hysterectomy and sow it up entirely. 

I had no interest in exploring my female anatomy so figured there would be no loss. 

However every doctor I asked said some variant of I need therapy and to cope better. 

Well maybe if I wasn't brainwashed and forcibly given interventions against my will this would've been easier for me to adjust to. 

Even though I have improved some I reflect on how the medical recommendation is to abort us.

So many doctors use high pressure tactics I wil post one such story below but read and hear about it all the time. 

Can I actually argue that the world wouldn't be a better place without me in it. How much I suffer at times to exist is difficult. 

My current girlfriend claimed she's T4T yet I'm not trans I'm clearly not cis I'm this thing that we don't even have a proper word for. 

Is it any wonder the pronouns my family used for me growing up was it or thing vs typical gendered names - those words hurt me so to this day. 

Our sociy doesn't really have an answer for where people like me fit. Most cis people tell me I should hide and be ashamed so I can integrate better while trans people are way more supportive with me being myself and admitting my struggles and experiences. 

Yet it hurts to feel that even though I had a similar journey I am foreign to the full trans experience more like a step sister to trans. 

The stats show that with my condition about 1 in 270,000 should exist so for the entire state of Maryland with 6.15 million that means 22 people. 

Yet how many of them were raised male let's assume half that's 11 people. 

Take that 11 assume the roughly 40% that die young for one reason or another.  6 people in this entire state might have a similar experience to me. 

Shitty bastards that like to talk about how rare we are whenever anyone talks about us yeah we are but does that mean we shouldn't exist. Or other people can't argue for our rights. 

I feel so alone sometimes because when other people bond over shared experiences I will always be an inhuman anomaly. 

You know your fucked when you get emails all the time from researchers who want to study your unique biology. 

I am not a lab rat ?.  I have hopes and dream yet the older I get the more I realize the core one a world where intersex people have a place at the table and are protected from operations at birth for cosmetic reasons I fear I might never get to live to see that day. 

I can't even do a gynecology exam without individuals wanting to take pictures or write papers about me. 

How am I supposed to ever feel like I belong. 

I am an orphan and to be frank I always said to people that got close to me. 

Don't cry for me I was born alone and I will die alone.

The deepest self reflection ? 

I fought suicidal thoughts since the last attempt at 17.

  I didn't want to accept the reality that I had to live in a cis female body the rest of my life due to my genetic condition I felt this being forced on me was enough to sour me on life.  I stayed alive because I felt it my duty as a genius intersex person was to help make the treatment I received as a youth the recommendations that ruined me and tore apart my family stop so even if my life was wasted it wouldn't happen again to another.

  It's been decades since then and I'm finally applying to medical school and this isn't even counting all the people ive saved from my work as an EMT.

  Yet those around me at times see the sadness in me and it frightens them.  Seeing their response made me debate on pulling away however losing my dear friend Prince to self harm recently and how deep the hurt has impacted me changed my mind set. 

I cannot be a part of hurting others the way I have been hurt. The loss seems so senseless and I blame myself for not doing more. He has forced me to a self reckoning but I have such a deep scar of feeling I failed him. 

I took him into my home with hopes to help heal him and support his transition and now all I have is painful memories and the albatross of how my best attempts weren't enough to save someone I loved.

  The same way my life's mission has been to improve things for trans and intersex people. I cannot accept suicide for myself as an option as a second core truth. 

It has been a hard road accepting that I will fight to live my entire life span. I deeply thank everyone who has been with me on this journey. 

I am greatful for the part you played getting me to this moment. Being in a female body isn't a terminal condition and mentally I can adjust my mindset. 

It will take time and hopefully I will have plenty of it before me till the pain is just a memory.

Bluey is a cartoon out of Australia aimed at teaching young children life lessons. 

Outside of Australia the rights belong to Disney with much stricter content regulations. 

Bluey made the news because the episode "Dad baby" has been released on YouTube by the creators in direct opposition to Disneys trying to kill the episode. 

I can see why Disney was anxious in the epsiode a father pretends to give birth to teach the kids about pregnancy. 

"Dad Baby" helps to rasie awareness for what pregnancy is, what it's like, while also normalizing the idea that people have babies. 

Note anyone can choose to be called dad it isn't impossible for someone to carry a child and perfer that title. 

I think the backlash was silly.

Since I started college at 28 I had planned to get into higher level medical care. 

Although between taking care of my grandmother (cancer) and grandfather (Alzheimer's) delayed me. 

These delays got worse when the pandemic made it so I couldn't get any volunteer hours so I went back to school to become a medical professional. 

It all finally comes to this moment. 

The great part is what was once a weakness the past three years I have tons of medical experience. 

Search n rescue, NREMT, WEMT, fema certified, medical assisting degree, and most recently field training officer status. 

I have worked in the field, on the side of mountains, in hospitals, clinics, doctors offices, on ambulances, as standby for events including team USA feild hocky and in advanced specialties of pulmonary and cardiology. 

All this effort years of focus on my growth and skill set is now going to lead to a judgement. 

I feel prepared but no one ever knows how the winds will blow. 

I look forward to a few months from now this process being over and the next phase of my life beginning.

  I don't even know where I will be living or if the place I called home the last few years will cease to exist.

Being a training officer shouldn't be a punishment.

  Today at my Job a newish employee pushed a power stretcher that weighs nearly 150 pound into me so hard I fell to the ground and then ran me over while I was screaming.

  The pain and shock so real I couldn't help but frantically call for help. 

People came running.  

My girlfriend and sage forced me to get seen.

Doing nothing wasn't an option.  After 4 hours in the emergency room affiliated with my job turns out I have a severe sprain and contusion.

  I have to wear a brace and have an appointment set for next Tuesday to follow up about future restrictions and the need for physical therapy.

  An x ray showed no broken bones so that's something.

  I hate to be negative but I have concerns about that employee's focus while at work.

Don't rob ambulances!  

Cameinto work to find vadalism,  while one of my coworkers were dropping someone home from the hospital getting them situated a passer-by decided to use a glass braker and rob the ambulance ?.  

Tens of thousands of dollars of equipment plus an ambulance down for how many days? 

Things like this really stress out some EMTs and make them decide to quit "Last year, the turnover rate for full-time emergency medical technicians, known as EMTs, was 36%"  

If you want an ambulance in an hour of need give us a break.

On Feeling Erased ?  

Havingan intersex condition gave me a unique experience. 

When most people with a female phenotype (body) reach puberty there's often celebration for coming of age. 

In my case since my family had tried to raise me male it was gaslighting taking me to all sorts of doctors and threats that if I don't have my breasts removed they will starve me since the only reason I have breasts is because I'm overweight. 

If people wonder why even though I have a relatively cis female body I have trouble at times identifying as a woman the trauma is part of it. 

My own mother just a couple of days ago called me her deformed son. Just ask yourself how often you have seen online XY equals male and XX equals female type arguments around the sexes. 

I'm a male geneticly that has periods. I never wanted to transition or be anything other then what my body did yet due to my genetics the body is female this happens about one outta 90,000 or so genetic males. 

So I can carry a child but people still call me a male to my face there are times I just want to maul someone. 

I am so sick of explaining that there are many intersex variants and my experience is not unique. 

For a long time I lived Life I didn't say a word about my condition because of the treatment I got when I did. 

Yet if no one speaks out then how can misconceptions be removed.

  I actually regret the amount of time I spent repeating the trash view that I am somehow defective. You know for the majority of my life I did repeate the lie I am a male with a rare birth defect. 

I have over the last few years come to understand it differently. 

I am a female who just had an unusual experience. Having a female body isn't a defect and I wouldn't ever say to any of my female friends you should be ashamed of your body for not being s mans. 

It's outrageous the way many medical people and my family made me feel the majority of my life.

  I am not cursed or punished I'm relatively healthy and am finally starting to feel better about life because my body isn't the problem it's the way people treat me and others who are unique in some way. 

I write about these feelings because it was a long journey to get here and if others weren't so ill informed negative and abusive it could of happened much earlier.

  I genuinely hope by this transparency people's minds our expanded to the human experience and future intersex individuals just have that muc easier of a road.

Only Bigots Debate Against Trans 

Research has shown Trans individuals have brain development from birth that makes them who they are. 

Additionally for the de trans argument it is less then 1% who do, and upon further study the majority of those individuals ended up being that way due to lack of support, family, or isolation thus even that group it seems is a misconception. 

Also are we going to simply ignore the 99% of Trans people who the treatment has saved their lives and improved mental and physical well being. 

Furthermore it is currently 10% who regret knee replacement and I don't see advocates running around saying stop it with all the knee operations. 

Just like so few seemed to give a damn about womens sports in this country until one trans woman won a swimming competition. 

If you want to attack trans people just admit it you are a bigot live with the knowledge that you're feelings are not based in fact.  

Oneday this behavior will be taught as a cultural artifact.

Only scum asks an Intersex or Trans person "but what is your real name?"

  Today I met another EMT at my job who's an orphan so naturally I got along with her. 

That was until I shared I was Intersex. When she asked about my condition and I felt I could share the full truth it was a big mistake. 

All of a sudden what was a cordial relationship turned into her grilling me for my "real name" and getting all personal about my genitals. 

She also referred to me as a malformed women and told me how sorry she feels that I'm not a whole woman. 

The faith I had in this person clearly misplaced. I figured she as someone who struggled in a similar manner could be my friend. 

Yet she failed human decency. She did what so many attempt to do rob me of my personhood. 

Not a single person asks to be born Intersex or trans. You think I wanted a body that is "atypical".  : 

Myreplymy name is my real name, it's on my medical license, birth certificate, social security card, passport and since everything was done when I became an independent minor as a teenager any other records were sealed. 

She replied well that's not your real name though.  News flash my name is my real name, and I don't give a damn what my family that didn't want me attempted to call me. 

Anyone who thinks otherwise needs a lesson on morality. 

“That’s how Yubaba controls you… by stealing your name.” -Haku

Reflection on Writing About my Life? 

The thoughts come at unexpected times PTSD will do that.

The trauma of being the spawn of a rape and orphaned by my family not because of a reasonable situation like they couldn't afford it or they wanted what's best for me but that an Intersex child is one unworthy of being loved has left deep wounds.  

Frommy first breath I was looked at with disgust and pity. 

I have in my life so prayed for love yet it never came so I show love towards others as if somehow embodiment of the ideals I would want people to have would make them appear in the world. 

Yet does that bring me love or an end to the loneliness? 

Often no. 

This diary of my thoughts and deeds is a place where I can investigate my emotional dispare and hopefully one day triumph. 

A small triumph, 

For example my job promoted me into a field training officer recently.  So I get to train and assist other EMTs to provide higher quality care. 

This is a task I am well suited for since it will enable me to help more people be better at care which will alleviate more suffering then what I can do by my actions alone. 

Teaching sharing wisdom can exponentially assist with suffering in the world. With my absolute resolve I intend to coach those under my guidance to be peerless for the sake of the community.