Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Being a Demisexual is Annoying. 

My girlfriend wasn't in the mood for affection tonight I respect that always because to do otherwise is sexually abusive and I cherish her. 

She felt sad I tried to reassure her as best I could that it's fine, genuinely I want her happy. 

For me pleasing my girlfriend is the most important act I can do for the relationship. 

She and other people at times wonder why if I have these unmet needs do I not pursue other partners or relationships.  She's poly and I'm supportive so why am I not dating others as well. 

Many people mistake my behavior for monogamy or anti poly but I keep saying it till I'm blue in the face I am not monogamous I am a demisexual it's totally different. 

I have had male partners, female partners, trans partners, cis partners and while I was dating my current girlfriend had a couple of encounters with others.  One of them being a board game party that got frisky she was apart of so she should understand that I'm not monogamous. 

The issue is that my level of sexual attraction is directly tied to emotional connection. 

Thus I feel most connected with my girlfriend so to me shes the most attractive person on earth and in a unique twist shes also in my opinion the most attractive women I have ever been with so I desire her most of all. 

I can't just turn this sexuality and sexual energy towards others for sexual gratification. I don't simply want anyone I want someone I love dearly. 

The few people I'm willing to be sexual with haven't made me feel crazy sexy the way she has. 

I mean one of our first dates she stripped me, threw me naked in a glass coffin, and fucked me for hours in a BDSM club it's really tough for people to display that level of passion and if a random person tried to do that I'd probably kick their ass. 

None of my other girlfriends showed that level of lust and raw sexuality.  We also are coming up on are year anniversary so that's exciting. ? 

I might be a switch and in general perfer topping when kink is involved. Yet sexuality I'm shy and prefer to be acted upon. 

I can get rough if someone asks but my natural behavior sexually eems to be a pleading wide eye girl next door type who's all wholesome giving little pecks on the cheek and nuzzling someone hoping they might want me. 

Now if the sparks happen I can get more active but I am not great at persuading sex or taking the initiative from the outset. 

Gosh, I can see how compared to my larger then life personality when it comes to sex I'm meek and timid. 

Am I that lame. ? (Cries) 

To me it makes sense I was abused in the past plus I have gender dysphoria you put that together for me I need quite a lot of love and support to feel comfortable being intimate with someone.

(The brain is the biggest sex organ)?  I perplex people when I say I don't find any models or movie people attractive.

I personally don't know how people can.  For example just imagine an alt right Christian conservative can you find that an attractive partner? 

Most would say of course not. My response is now logically I don't know what an unknown person is like so until I meet them get to know them and there values establishing mutual respect I will not believe they pass my intimacy barriers.

  People think that's odd, to me its normal. All my life I have developed crushes on my friends and almost every girlfriend or boyfriend I have ever had started out as a friend or really close person I personally knew well enough.  The same way most people don't understand my behavior,

I have zero ability to understand typical human attraction because this is my normal.

 Tonight after working 10 hours on the ambo my girlfriend decided to tied me up and play with me at the Baltimore Play House. 

It's a good way to end the night embraced with some rough rope?

  But then when I was laying on the mat in aftercare mode a new guy came over saying he was new and made it awkward. 

He asked a couple of questions about BDSM yet after without even listening to my responses went on to how he's just in this for the sex mostly and I seem hot n turned on. 

I said I was more into the BDSM then my girlfriend came over causing him to leave. 

This is for him and anyone new! 

Don't walk up on aftercare unless invited 

Don't ask a question then ignore the response 

Don't go to a BDSM club and expect everyone is there for sex. 

Don't say your new but then refuse to learn about the community you chose to interact with.

  Don't assume heteronormativity I perfer women so if you're male I'm less interested.

I left the house today knowing full well I am going to be running emergent 911 calls due to staffing levels in the middle of a snow storm. 

But that's just the tip of my day. 

As I was leaving my neighbor harassed me for leaving my husky outside. 

She said she was gonna take her once I leave. 

I tried to explain the ideal temperature range for Huskies is- The ideal temperature range for Huskies is between -20°F to 60°F (-29°C to 15°C).  They are literally made to and love living in the snow and I have a friend checking up on her in like 6 hours not good enough to satisfy her level of stupid as she threatened me over and over.

She said I'm a horrible person and she's gonna make sure my dogs gone before I get home. 

So while I risk my life saving people I have to worry that my neighbor might be stealing my dog. 

The moral of the John Wick movies don't ever mess with someone's dog. You think people could understand that.

  I am doing my best to meditate to clear my mind before I get on the ambulance ? my shift was supposed to start 9 minutes ago but focus is so hard. 

I have to be fully present or people could die. 

If people wonder why I believe in absurdism this is it, Karma has to be a lie with all the good I've done why does life abuse me.

Being Decent to Gender Variant News?

  "Pedro Pascal Takes His Trans Sister Lux As His Date To The Emmys. " 

This article was looking how amazing Pedro Pascal is for being a decent human being.? 

On some level I felt sick, and then it hit me what it is. The title should say "Pedro Pascal took his sister Lux as his date to the emmys." ? 

Why are we making a big deal about a "Trans" sister this needs to be done tactfully , the sensationalizing and fetishizing of trans and intersex bodies is ultimately not helpful we're people not props to make cis people feel good about themselves. ? 

Furthermore instead of treating people who are allies as if they are the second coming maybe we shame those or even better cancel anyone who doesn't treat trans and intersex people well.? 

Just a thought ?

Last night I was crying, reminded that my body hates me. (Stabbing pain n blood) 

The loaded feelings of gender dysphoria strike during my monthly, on how wrong it feels. Bargaining to the heavens that I am a genetic male why do I even have this. ? 

Of course I know why, I have Swyers syndrome and Androgen Insensitivey - conditions that gave me this body. 

At one point when I was crippled over in pain my girlfriend sent me to bed. 

I don't wanna let my body define me, not to mention I would rather be in denial. 

She proposed an odd notion to me " you're in pain why do you gender it and upset yourself?" 

Divorcing gender issues from the pain would help my peace of mind.

  So much of our society defines us by biology I welcome full gender n sex emancipation. 

If I could stop relating this pain to gender the emotional and psychological components would improved.

Wall-E the fictional character I am? 

Someone close to me once asked me what kind of porn I am into. 

Since I am a demisexual I need a strong bond for attraction.

I don't find porn simulating. 

People have said wathcing me masturbate is painful because It is such a struggle for me to be aroused. 

Without love without intimacy there is no stimulation at all (the brain really is the biggest sex organ)  So when they asked that question my mind went to one of the things that engaged my heart and got me excited it was the scene where Wall-E and EVE go dancing in space. 

You can see it on YouTube called define dancing. 

When I played that clip I got into a Wall-E shirt and threw on the sweater jacket I got and went over and said Wall-E.

I am pretty good at that impression I been working on it for years. 

Why do I identify so strongly with Wall-E. 

I never have never for a second let the toil and pain of life stop me from my goals. 

The ultimate goal has always been to be an advocate for trans and Intersex healthcare to make things better for others because in my experience this area is improperly served. 

I want to spare others the pain I have felt at the hands of my family and medical providers by not just being a caregiver but being an outspoken advocate who works on changing the system for the better. 

Yet having a purpose doesn't fill the void of wanting love and emotional connection. 

Having a mission is like anything else it's a job we do but like a job it doesn't always fill all needs. 

A need for me has always been love, the lack of it being an orphan, of feeling horrible n rejected from my peers because of my hard to define intersex body, my own disgust and initial confusion when my puberty revealed I am female internally, my disappointment that my naked honesty to others is often chastised after years of being told to shut up be ashamed and speak nothing. 

I always felt that me being myself just isn't wanted isn't possible to be loved.  People keep telling me how to change to be better, or perhaps if I did this or that things could be better off. 

No it wouldn't,  I am me being myself I don't want to be anyone else. 

I believe who we are is the ultimate magnum opus. Every action every breath we take like water flows from us and through us.

  If you have interacted with me even for a moment I hope you got a chance to experience who I am and how genuine and sincere my words are. 

I will continue as Wall-E to work endlessly if I have to until kingdom come because that is the mission. 

But that doesn't mean I don't also have an intense love the likes of which few have ever experienced. 

No matter how many times people sneer at my earnest beliefs and try to tell me who I am. 

I will continue my defiance not because I am in conflict with them but because I know myself and will continue to be myself.

I hope you can grow to appreciate me for that. 

Wall-E

How I Became IceGirl 

In 1993 or 1994, Blockbuster hosted the video game World Championships. Like many young adults, teens, and other pre-teens, I wanted to test myself to see if I was the best. 

I was excited to go into my local store. The names of competitors were up on a board of the contests. Little did I know that in a moment I was going to become IceGirl for the very first time. 

My mother, who was almost never supportive of my hobbies unless she could market them for money in some way (sold my drawings), didn’t mind this time. My mom wasn’t against this as harmless fun – until I had to give a gamer handle. After my mother turned in the form, the employee asked me what my game name was and pointed to the sign where everyone had a gamer name in quotes. I was young and, it being the early ‘90s, “online” didn't exist yet for me, so I had no idea I would need a distinct name.

  Panic set in; I didn't have a name to say. The first thoughts that came to me were the call signs from the movie “Top Gun.” I was just standing there spacing out. The store clerk prompted me again, and I looked over at my mother getting impatient with me. 

My mother jerked at my coat because she was being embarrassed. She said, “Pick something NOW!” I said as a reflex “IceGirl,” which came from “Iceman,” my favorite character from the movie.

I wanted to be like him – cool, collected, intimidating. I wanted to strike at my competition with intensity and a passion for excellence through precision.  My mom shrieked, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE JOKING.” She turned to the clerk in a sweat. “Don’t put that down. That’s not it.”

At the time, I didn’t know I had an intersex condition that ultimately would force me into a female puberty and body to survive.

Sadly, it was common at the time for doctors to encourage parents to reinforce gender norms after they operated on intersex children, and my mom was using medical intervention to try and masculinize me. 

But it wasn’t taking well. Most people who looked at me assumed I was a Transman, even though the term wasn’t popularized as it is now. In high school, it was common enough for people to ask me in a cruel way what my gender was. When your body didn’t match the gender you were presenting in the ‘90s and early ‘00s, the other kids were just vicious. 

My mom always hated when I showed any sort of gender noncompliance, so not having a masculine gamertag enraged her. She shook me and asked me, “Why in the hell would you say that – as a joke?” I looked at her and said, “Kids make fun of me for being a girl, so if I wanna compete at my best, I need to put it out front and center that, yeah, I am feminine and you’re about to get beaten by IceGirl. So what?”

The male clerk then squashed my mom’s objection, saying, “No one cares that your child is going by IceGirl.” He continued, “I even play a female wizard in my RPG. What matters is he has fun.”  My mom, pressured by his reasoning, decided to let it be, and for the first time, my name of IceGirl was written anywhere. 

When we got home, she glared at me and said, “Ok, so you wanted to pull this faggy, odd stuff and make me look like a bad parent? If you don’t win, I’m gonna ground you for the rest of the year.” Well, I didn’t want any smut on my name, so I got to it. 

The games that my store was competing on were some sort of Mario, Sonic, a racing game, and Street Fighter II.

I already loved Sonic and racing games, so it didn’t take much to get those skills solid as hell. But the Mario game and Street Fighter weren’t my jam. I trained with those day and night. 

Finally, my day came, and for the first time, IceGirl competed. I was one of the top in my store, and I had the fastest racing time. I made it to compete at the district level. Now, it wasn’t just going to be me doing things in a store and having my times compared.

I was going head-to-head with others – and in front of many people.  I was this little pipsqueak, but I didn’t feel intimidated; I just wanted to take them down. 

I won the racing section again, which caused people to lose their minds. How could this bizarre, wannabe-girl/weirdo kid be the best at racing games?  What most people don’t realize is that you can memorize the perfect pattern in racing games, and once you get a vibe for it, you just repeat the motions, making no decisions.

Years of studying a musical instrument gave me the skillset to perfect the lines, and I was able to smoke my competition. 

Then came Sonic and Mario, which I was decent at. Yet the final game – Street Fighter II – ended IceGirl’s run at the district level. I had practiced the game with a Sega Genesis controller, but at this level it was being played on a Super Nintendo.

At my store, maybe it was fine and I could do ok, but at district, the players were so much better, they just roughed up my Blanka like I wasn’t even there. I could barely move; they were all over me, chaining combos.

These people were way more advanced. I was the worst one there by far, and I was in tears, getting mauled over and over. They were naturally better at fighting games, they had trained on the right controller, they also were older – the deficits were too great. But I didn’t run off the stage. I took it and was mocked over and over. 

When it was over and my mom saw me crying, she said, “Well, at least now you can retire that stupid name, and I won’t need to punish you since your humiliation and failure is punishment enough.”

I’ve had this name for 30 years of my life as my handle and, I’m proud to say, it has won many online competitions in video games, including Hearthstone – even at the world level – and Heroes of the Storm (former Blizzard fan girl).  I know in many ways I am not a girl anymore (age wise), but heck, at the time I picked my handle, I didn’t even know I was biologically female at all, so despite the fact it may not be age-appropriate anymore, I am not about to abandon it.

Waking up early to go to the courthouse and I just wonder if I am to be selected who am I to judge anyone? 

I have some unbelievable bias towards racisits, bigots, female and child abusers because of what I faced in my own life. Could I even hear a case out with such topics or the thought someone did a vile act would I automatically want to see them punished. 

I want to believe I could be non partial but is it ever possible for anyone to be? 

The last time I was on a Jury I was 24 ish and it was for a financial crime. 

I felt that case which went on for months I could be non biased because it was a matter of did said actions lead to fiscal harm to people and does there behavior show that they are aware that they might be engaged in said activity by a change in behavior. 

I just love to help people, I am not sure if juror is a use of my skills. 

I am keenly aware how absurd it is to think I can forgo my point of view. 

I believe everyone has a learned perspective that is a sum of there collective experiences.

  The philosophical ideal that we can divorce ourselves from such things and be truly prudent is admireable.

I am unaware of people who have achieved such earnestly.

  Yet if I didn't think such a task isn't gargantuanly complicated not only would I be ignoring everything I know about the human condition I would be a liar. 

What's worse is as I fret over this responsibility how many other potential jurors will I have to see today unaware of such philosophical concerns. Leading me to question our relationship with the justice system yet again.

If you're profile picture has a dick in it or you want to immediately expose yourself to me I probably have zero interest in you as a play partner or anything else. 

I have it listed I'm a demisexual and I often mention that I prefer women and non binary people. 

Yet insecure cis het men message me now and again and I just don't know what to do to make it more clear. 

I am not nor could I possibly be interested in you.

  I am not anti body positivity and I find the human body quite artistic but that is not why these men expose themselves to me. 

I come onto this sorta platform to share my thoughts express my feelings and yes sometimes connect with people.  I

f I have not already seen your genitals I am not interested in your genitals.

  This is the way of a demisexual.

Faded dreams are tomorrows torments screaming the only solace for enduring breath faded gasps stillness essential for peace?