Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Pull over for ambulances! 

 

Yesterday due to call out and holiday related I got locked in for a near double shift over 22 hours. 

 

At 20 hours in a call went out that required me to be driven back to headquarters lights and sirens in a BLS truck so I could switch to the ALS truck and drive a paramedic to an emergent situation that didn't have minutes to spare. 

 

Yet multiple drivers didn't pull over or get out of the way of the ambulances! 

Maneuvering a massive truck with someone being treated in the back while having to weave around idiot drivers is not helping an already difficult situation. 

You wanna show EMS appreciation don't call us heros please just do your part to be a hero -- get outta the way of the ambulance. 

 

Shame people you know who don't respect the rightaway for ambulances. 

Show us respect that way, so we can do our job and save you and your loved ones.

  A public service announcement.

Probably the biggest communication issue I have with people close to me is that when I do care for them I am like whatever you want. 

 

Since their happiness takes priority, I just don't even think about what I want.  When I was mostly with people who exploited me it wasn't an issue. 

My girlfriend actually doesn't want to be that way and this why she wants me to get better at communicating my preferences. 

I am just so used to the things I want being impossible that I sorta gave up wanting for the most part. 

 

I don't have a religion but Buddhism is the closest and I followed it for a while.  Buddhism states life is suffering ( I agree) 

Buddhism states suffering comes from unmet desires (I can see that) 

Buddhism states to end suffering you must end your attachment to desire and just accept (work on that when I meditate) 

 

Things I wanted I didn't get: 

A mom to love me

A dad to love me

A healthy home growing up

An end to the poor treatment for trans and intersex people.

Equality for women (I can go on but you see a pattern impossible wants) 

Those core initial wants went unmet and It seems like I will never live to see the day any of them come true. 

 

For those in the know many trans and Intersex people in America currently worry about fleeing the country if things keep getting worse. 

One thing I don't talk about often is how I resent the overturning of roe v wade and feeling female rights being attacked. 

I am unique in that I have Swyer syndrome. It means I have a uterus.

This is why when people say XY vs XX upsets me since its flat out a lie so much more goes into a bodies sex. 

Being an outlier hurts since people dissmiss my existence and argue about it politically nowadays without even having Intersex peoples voices heard at all. 

I am an XY person who could possibly carry a child so it very much does effect me what happens in this regard and it also influenced how I was treated. 

In my life there were three times I asked doctors to remove my uterus because of it making me uncomfortable. 

Yet they refused, telling me they don't like to risk healthy tissues and that maybe I simply need counciling to accept that aspect of my life. 

 

I didn't get the agency to remove my own bits when they were making me uncomfortable.

Typical men telling a female what to do with her body why should I have expected any different.

  My internal structures were given more agency than my own wants and desires.  Some would say ah but you don't want an operation now so the doctors did the right thing. 

 

Now I'm just more Buddhist 🤣 I didn't get what I wanted so accepted my body as is. 

Most my dreams have never come true, I doubt I will live to see many of dreams come true, some are already outright impossible. 

 

Heck Half the time when I go out to a restaurant I can't even get coke, and have to settle for Pepsi which to me just tastes worse. 

 

The things I want most at this point; getting into medical school, working on my writing, and trying to have a meaningful relationship with my girlfriend I put my efforts into. 

I need to do better on communication of want to make her happier but I spent a life getting used to not wanting. 

Other then having big goals that keep me getting up -- what else is there to want. 

 

One thing I do want is an anime themed wedding where I cosplay as Naomi Armitage. (But even that most people think is weird, so even my wedding if it were to happen I can't get what I want) 

Life is suffering.

I write whatever is on my mind: an emotion, a feeling, a moment that I just want to preserve. 

 

If you wonder why I am so open. I spent so much of my life bottling it all in. 

 

I used to have intense fear that if anyone found out I was Intersex an orphan or once on welfare they would judge me and want nothing to do with me.

 

  It's literally happened too many times, I remember one time I was in my best friends house and his mother asked me so where do you live? 

I replied warmly "section 8 housing by 5th avenue"

she followed up oh and why are you living there? 

Well my mom is trying to get clean and I don't have a dad so it can be tough sometimes. 

She then said nothing more to me just left. 

I am sure if I could see her face it would have been contempt because everything was about to change. 

 

The next time I saw my best friend and asked him to play he said we couldn't talk anymore sheepishly. 

I didn't understand why. I was always so nice to him, maybe even had a tiny crush I was kid who knows but I genuinely cared about him. 

He looked at me and explained that his mom was loooing out for him, and that he needs to be with better people, and his mom would be worried sick if he ever came to my house that someone would rob him. 

I never knew before that moment how honesty could drive people away. 

I had thought the truth was it's own reward. 

So after that I got very quite and didn't really talk to anyone unless spoken to. 

So thank you for taking the time to get to know me.

You are wonderful may you're New Year be bright and dreams come true.

So this year is perhaps my most important yet. 

I am finally applying to medical school. I had thought I was ready before the pandemic, but when I hired a consultant, they said I was a moderate candidate at best as I didn't have any medical caregiving experience.

They also cited my lack of having any medical letters of recommendation. 

Well, in the last 3 years, I got my wilderness Emergency Medical Technician certification and an Emergency Medical Technician license (NREMT). I got a degree in medical assisting as well as being an intern and then working for a hospital as a medical assistant for nearly a year. I have been volunteering for search and rescue for nearly 3 years and working as an emergency medical technician for nearly two years. I am also volunteering on occasion for 911 and got FEMA disaster certifications so in an emergency I can be activated. 

So all that, plus killer references – I am beyond ready. My once weakness is now unbelievably strong and robust. I have saved so many people at this point through giving care I have forgotten more than I recall. 

I know how much you bragged about my intellect and how I was going to become a doctor. Well, at the moment, I am going to apply for PA school.

You, like many, might say, why do that when you should be a doctor? Well, the fact is I have ADHD, and the 9-hour MCAT just seems a lot. Meanwhile, the GRE and PA programs are less taxing on my ADHD. In fact, even before I got a diagnosis and started taking medication, I could do fairly well. 

Physician Assistants do roughly the same task as doctors and work in hospitals, providing advanced medical care, and I know you care about this – have a good salary with a decent life/work balance. 

So who knows? Maybe after I get my PA license, I will go back and become a medical doctor or maybe get a PhD to do some medical research, but for the moment that's the goal. 

I know you'd be happy and say, well, finally getting into medical school; it's about time. It hasn't happened yet, but this year is the year and I am gonna do my best to make you proud still. 

You bragged before it was a reality. Maybe you feared as I was taking care of you with cancer that you wouldn't get to see the day. 

You used to talk about how you wanted to be front row at my graduation from medical school. 

Sadly, I don't know if I want anyone to go now. Since you won't be there, what’s the point? In fact, I am used to that.

My performance arts diploma no one came, my high school diploma no one came, my dual college degrees no one came, my third college degree no one came – and one day my medical school degree that you demanded to come to, that was only meant for you and maybe my aunt; why should this break the streak if you're gone? 

I really wish you could be there. You started to apologize for not believing in me near your death. I thought it was just the cancer treatment talking and you feeling guilty for how kind and loving I was to you. 

But for awhile now, I see it as you trying to repent for not supporting me sooner. You bought into the narrative from the school and my mom that I was a problem child, that it didn't matter how smart I was, that I should be cut off as a burden. 

That's why, at 16, I fought legally, got my independence, and left. Going it alone with no family made it much harder, but you didn't support or belive me then. Well I did it and am doing it. And when you needed me, I came back to take care of you anyway, no preconditions, because I always loved you and my family, no matter how poorly you treated me. Like a mongrel mutt, I kept coming back, just being happy to have scraps.

I know you'd be especially proud that I did it all on my own without any help. 

Yet one thing that definitely helped towards the end was the joy I knew it would give you to one day tell you I did it.

I am sorry I will never get to say those words to you. I love you, and caring for you when the cancer was coming has made me a better person.

I wouldn't be the medical care provider I am or anywhere near as compassionate of a person. 

You showed me the love and care people need to endure, you exposed me to the pain of being a family member arguing with doctors and insurance companies. You started a fight in me to be a crusader for my patients. 

No matter how hard the situation or task or how difficult the patient, I just think of you, Grandma.

The ups, the downs, and the right way to treat people. I will never dishonor your memory, and you have given me more than any medical school or dollar ever could: a moral composition that is unambiguously true. 

Love, your only grandchild

🐺

  I was home bored and switch wolf last conversation asked me to come out and I was thinking about it. 

This past week with school in recess and my girlfriend away it's been like what should I do besides work? 

Accepting a friends invitation out was an improvement emotionally. 

 

What was I doing you didn't ask? 

 

I had been reading news about geo politics, while watching YouTube shorts about ADHD and PTSD from people's perspectives. 

I usually just read research on such things but finding out how those conditions have impacted others in their own words was useful. 

It was fun being tied up tonight and suspended for a few minutes. 

When rope bites the skin it just feels like a big hug. 

 

I love hugs, getting squeezed feels so reassuring. 

 

The stress of being an EMT making life impacting decisions, the worries of the day and why it always seems the harder I try doesn't matter, because I will never know or get to see my greatest dreams come true. 

So just for a moment letting it all go is relaxing. 

 

A temporary mental reset on existence itself. 

 

Who doesn't deserve a time where all you have to do is breathe and exist weightless from all burden. 

 

I can fall asleep suspended it's so calming.

 

 I appreciate wolf asking me out. 

 

Getting to see some new and old faces a monumental bonus. 

 

I want to thank the community around Baltimore for being so beautiful n caring.

Attracted to Someone you Don't Know❓

  I was watching a wholesomely sweet video by Jaiden animations about Aeroace.

 

  Thinking when I want to explain these concepts to people this might become my new go to.  Then she said something at nine minutes and thirty seconds into the video.

 

That blew my mind.🤯 (Explained below)  Wait people can be drawn sexually to individuals or crush on people just from looking at them even -- celebrities. 

How⁉️ 

 

I remember someone in the scene once pressed me hard who was my star trek crush growing up, telling me everyone had one and there's was 7 of 9. 🌌.

  I said that's impossible, I could never meet or get to know a fictional character so how could I ever be attracted to one.🤪 Silly  

 

Before the current person I am dating I didn't date anyone for 11 years and it was 8 years since I had a sexual encounter with anyone.🗼 

 

Because drum roll I am demisexual! 🥳 

Thought I was gonna say asexual, I know but demisexual is a common subset in the gray community. 📖 

 

We demisexuals need a deep and intense connection before we feel any sort of sexual attraction 🧲. 

 

For one person no joke I knew them for 15 years and I was then like oh maybe they are a little attractive I guess? (Still pondering if they are) 

Which was shocking since before that moment they weren't any more attractive then a cardboard cutout. 🤡 

 

So to have someone talking about how we areoace feel like aliens because other people are just sexy time go from the moment puberty happens is confusing yet reassuring to me. 👽🛸 

 

I haven't heard this term But I also guess I am demi romantic as well.

 

I am only romantic towards someone I really have a deep emotional connection with makes sense. 🥺 

 

How could I be romantic with someone I just met. It's impossible. 

 

Seriously how do people do that.😣 

 

The idea of hook up culture, or just meeting someone at a bar, or party and be like yeah lets do stuff. 🤢

 

I'm like woah woah 😳 how is this possible?

 

My current girlfriend I knew for 4-5 months before we even had more then a conversation. 

 

Even then when we started chatting I was debating in my head I do enjoy her a lot, is this something that can be more than friends she seems like she wants that. (Literally stole my bra while I was wearing it to get my attention)😍 

 

My thoughts -- she might be showing sexual interest. (Being ace is ridiculous)

 

😅  How does that even work again, oh shoot I have to read up on what it is normal people do to court humans? 👩‍🔬📚 

 

At times being demisexual I know frustrates others because I suck at intimate stuff and just don't get it

 

  One time me and my girlfriend went to a party and I was reading the news while fun activities were going on and she thought I was feeling sad and left out. 😮‍💨 

 

In reality I was just being a demisexual having fun reading the news like a nerdy idiot who doesn't get how parties work.🤓 

 

You mean you're not supposed to try to win every game, take more joy in the games played then the socializing, and then blurt out whatever random facts or hyper fixations you have that you think might be relevant at a given time.🤪 

 

Someone complements a couch which they say are comfy.  (Oh boy that was a mistake since that's an Ikea couch and its now time for me to nerd out about them!) 

 

I then say well these seem to be from the IKEA collection which is not known for comfort but have great lumbar support which is why you find them comfortable because you probably have lower back pain from bad posture. 

 

Hey would you like me to massage since you probably have some tension in these muscles.

  Finishes massage goes back to reading the news. 📰As if nothing happened.

 

  For all people who experience normal human attraction 🧲 be kinds to those who fall under the aro or ace banners like me. 

We genuinely want to socialize and be included we just are different.🥳 

 

That doesn't mean we can't be loving, caring, and the most supportive person you will ever met in your damn life!🫂 

Infact were some of the best at it.💯 

Just know if you put out hints that you want more they will just go flying by our head's.🛫 

 

How many times I had this type of conversation is hilarious 😂 

 

You doing anything tonight? 

Nope? 

Wanna go out? 

Not really? 

How about I take you to dinner? 

I just said I didn't want to go out tonight?

  Well I want to get to know you?

  We are talking now your getting to know me now? 

But I mean in person? 

What's so special in person? 

Ugh I want to see if we can progress? 

What do you mean were already great friends which is a high honor?

Are you messing with me right now? 

Um no this conversation is getting weird? 

 

I want to have sex with you ok I find you sexy gosh? 

 

Oh I didn't realize you did um yeah I don't know how I feel about that but we can still be friends👍 

 

Other person you're insane🤯⁉️

 

  I genuinely apologize on behalf of all people who have ever just simply didn't understand an aro-demisexial.💐 

 

I truly never meant any harm or to lead anyone on.😅 

I still am shocked that people can just be attracted to random people they don't know like how is that even possible? 🤔

Since my semester is out and my aunt is heading back to New York, I have nothing to really do besides work, (which at times is stressful) martial arts, and going to the gym. 

 

I can't just visit my girlfriend ( shes 3 hours away) it's like what should I be doing?  

 

Any ideas ? I am planning to visit her next week until then got 4 days of free time for the next week. 

 

  I am kinda confused 🤔 I haven't had free time in awhile.

When 911 gets backed up, or I assume in cases like today (short staffed) sometimes they farm out calls to companies with contacts. 

Right now not only was my company picked I was selected of whos on staff to run it.  

911 runs causes so much more paperwork and I was supposed to get off of work in the next 30 minutes. Now this is going to lock me in at least another two hours and that's if the emergency department takes the patient right away.

  My aunt is visiting from New York so it's such a bad time for this. 

 

I gotta get my head in the game and treat this patient with the respect dignity and expertise I bring to the table for everyone else -- even if it is an inconvenient time to be chosen for such a task.  

 

Venting real world EMT problems.

 

Happy holidays to everyone else. I got to save a life for Xmas 🎄

About three years ago I got seriously into martial arts regiment training again, at one point I slipped during running. 

Less heavy me (175 pounds) on such a slip could easily do a flip when losing balance like that to regain my balance. 

Yet me at the time 270 pounds ( 220 now) was just too heavy and I slipped and literally broke my tailbone after not sticking the front flip. 

What caused me to have tears in my eyes wasn't the pain and embarrassment of breaking my tailbone infront of the class. 

It was being an EMT and knowing women are 7 times more likely to have a broken tail bone due to the wider hips which protects it less, additionally if a male does break a tailbone it usually accompanies the hips themselves being shattered. (My hips were fine) 

 

This is just one of those differences, and it hurt to be reminded of when my doctors first told me I was a female bodied. 

Note I am Intersex and my family originally tried to raise me male. 

The doctors sat me down and said you know you're female right. 

I was like I present more female but I'm not female I am just not that masculine. 

They looked nervous like they were about to give me a death sentence and reiterated no you're female because with the condition you have you will never be able to masculinize and you have female internals. 

I was stunned, I mean how many other people does this happen to around puberty? 

It's not a normal experience -- it's not something you can prepare for or have others explain what to think about it, or feel about it. 

When my body so glaringly reminds me of the situation like breaking my tailbone it can emotionally resonate. 

I used to never talk about these feelings historically because mentioning it actually opens up one to bigotry and ridicule. 

Let's be frank most people don't care about intersex, trans, or non binary issues. 

 

I share because I think it's important to not be ashamed, raise awareness of the situation, and let others know who maybe can't speak or are too nervous they are not alone. 

Darkness fades when exposed to light.

Your harsh way accrues scars upon my heart 

 

I cry here silently

Aching

Wondering

What could be so wrong with me To earn your ire 

 

A simple request Make any behest 

An unbreakable commandment Shall drive me true 

Yet I do not get the mercy,

Of even a hint on what to do 

 

How could anything you want not be enough 

The harder I try the colder it feels 

Alone I pray 

 

Your harsh way - is that all I can ever expect of you. 

 

I would do anything you request 

Yet the more I say these words your agitation grows 

My nature is known to you Yet it seems you sneer at me before you. 

 

Your harsh way accrues scars upon my heart 

Too strong to break all it does is ache

Please find a way to love me

I'd literally do anything for you.