Ice Girl's public thoughts.

How stressful gender can feel. 

There are days where I genuinely want to just cry endlessly to not be bothered for a moment. 

I am Intersex was rasied as male had been given medications to try to masculinize me but they failed and found out during puberty I had internal female structures. 

The issue is our society doesn't have a way to deal with that experience and even though I lived it I feel a part of me died and I am kinda never gonna fit in. 

I never wanted to be female or male mostly I wanted to be left alone so many trips to the doctors medical interventions lies on why I was taking medicine -- constant sicknesses of my youth. 

It's quite hard sometimes to accept I have a female body.

My life is so insane that one day I wouldn't mind waking to find out I was in a coma and this was all a bizarre dream. 

Yet that's not in the cards I have been working on my acceptance of the situation. 

The other day I had a moment where my body sorta got on my nerves and I was so angry with it yet my girlfriend was like eh calm down it's not a big deal. 

She more then anyone has supported the fact I can not fixate on gender for half a second. 

I used to look at life like to be endured as in an endless torture.

  I am a fairly depressed person yet I have optimism that things will get better one day. Even if I never feel 100% comfortable in my body and my Intersex experience always makes me feel alone it's better to be then cease.

Premenstrual dyphoric disorder is a condition where people who mensturate get anxious and depressed leading up to and sometimes during the start of periods. 

I have not been formally diagnosed with this condition but at times when my body does things I find it extremely uncomfortable not just physically but emotionally. 

I like many people have been on a life long journey to discover myself yet who would have thought in my teens someone with XY chromosomes would have the news broken to them they have a uterus? 

Some people in my life have been like yeah we know get over it and move on with life. I think in many ways the shock of it was still so great it's playing out still to this day in ways. 

I truly value my partner she's been a lifesaver. Today an accident happened and what easily could have sent me into an emotional overload her love and support being there kept me grounded and positive. 

The human body is weird n awkward at times it's true for anyone. The people who can take those embarrassing moments and make you laugh it off and feel better for having them by your side when dealing with the issue is a treat. 

Friends are not chosen family

They are given family 

Every friend who has given

Time, compassion, emotional investment 

I choose to acknowledge as Paramount to who I am

For that I give eternal thanks

As more opportunities open up be it sports, education, professional accolades women have shown that what was impossible is attainable.   

The news- Two high school senior girls defeated boys this week to win state wrestling championships in Maine and Arizona. 

In Maine, 17-year-old Maddie Ripley of Oceanside High School defeated three boys in one day to defend the state title she won last year. 

Jimenez, a senior at Sunnyside High School in Tucson, Arizona, beat boys in the 107-pound weight class to win a title at the AIA Arizona High School State Wrestling Championships.

Trigger warning ⚠️ Abuse PTSD 

With what has happened recently with Nex in the news has brought back so many memories of why I am the way I am.  

Dueto my body not being able to masculinize during puberty and actually growing into typically female dimensions it caused merciless teasing abuse and attempted sexual assaults. 

I had an assault once at school where my own skull was slammed into a metal slide breaking my skull and I had to get rushed to the hospital. 

The difference here is that I lived it could have been me that had their skull damaged surrounded by bullies and no longer alive. 

The difference is after that I trained to become an elite fighter and if anyone so much as looked at me funny I put them through a wall the fear that my life was on the line for my very existence is still in me. 

I never wanted to transition I never felt like much of a female, society was the thing that was unable to comprehend a male developing female sex characteristics would it have been that bad if people just left me alone? 

What's wrong if I was a physical female with a male name and acted like a dude who cares? 

The fact is so much of what I did was for other people to exist without constant abuse. 

My girlfriend often says focus on what you want outta life. 

I didn't get any of it a world thats safe for Intersex trans and nonbinary people. A family that's loving and accepting. Someone who wants to be with me dispite my mental and physical scars.  But I persist because in my heart I believe that my actions can make a difference in the future. 

It's been looking grim lately but if we don't fight if we don't speak out if we don't demand the world to atone for it's sins against our existence it will only be worse. 

So many nights when I was young I prayed for someone to fight to make it better well here I am in my life everyday I do what I can. 

I save lives, I educate, I speak out, I persist in the face of adversity. 

Today is a harder day I have lost so many friends in my life already who were queer through violence and too many at theit own hands. 

One of the things I hear old people talk about is the hardest part of getting old is watching your friends die. They say this to me as if being young I haven't. 

Well I hate to burst your bubble gramps I had to bury my own friend who killed themselves in my own home, and watch their family not even refer to him by his name and he wasn't even half your god damn age. 

They talk of the bliss of youth and what it would be like to be young again. Well in my life it feels like a warzone. 

What have I seen to be hopeful lately the government criminalize my and others existence, always wondering if I am gonna hear about another friend who was murdered or killed themselves.  When I open up my news feed I don't know if I am gonna see the same shit I went though 20 years ago is gonna claim the life of a poor defenseless kid.

Of course no one pays for the crime I mean why would they our lives have no value. 

My abject hate for the way things are is what keeps me alive. I am sick of it and shall continue to fight for change. 

If you're not doing everything you can to push back against the current state of affairs I hope you know you genuinely are part of the problem. 

You're comfort is something I've never known a day in my life if you're not outraged. 

I guess maybe I just need to pull away from people they just don't have a clue how horrible this feels.

  Today I became aware of the most ridiculous controversy in a long time: Shaq the ex-basketball player and others have accused Stevie Wonder of not being blind. 

What is their claim, that at times he responds in such a way they don't understand? 

First, there are other senses sound and smell for example, we already know that when one area of the brain is limited these other senses improve due to the reliance on them. 

Yet that's not the full idiotic aspect on display it is that blindness is a spectrum many people can be legally blind yet still see shapes, outlines or impressions.  Blindness doesn't mean anything but blackness ? but do people care to understand the differences between vision impairments to legal blindness? ? 

Of course not because it doesn't matter in their daily life but when a disabled blind person is having their good name dragged through the mud due to false accusations of lying their whole life it is sad that we accept this outrageous behavior without punishing the abusers.

  As a disabled person myself I take great offense to this.

  If any of you have met me you might say But didn't you run marathons and can backflip or front flip while also boasting about your intellect how can you be disabled? 

I have two core issues that impact me my disabilities are dyslexia which presents with dysgraphia and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. 

I had been in treatment for dyslexia from 1st grade until about the end of high school. I would have reading coaches, writing coaches, and at times I'd have nasty professors who would openly mock me and how I shouldn't try so hard since people like me can't amount to much. 

Invisible disabilities hurt worse when people downplay them. Even the person I mentioned loving so much and dating got into it with me when she didn't know me better. 

I remember on a couple of occasions asking for her help due to having extreme difficulty with something and she didn't understand why and not only pushed back but yelled at me for having the difficulty in the first place.

  A more recent example -  I was cooking the other day at a friend's house got distracted for a moment and ended up leaving the oven on really low heat. 

They screamed at me like I burned down the house and told me what a dangerous person I was to be around. 

I for the rest of my life have to bring in paperwork at jobs to explain that I am on amphetamines (Adderall) due to my disorder because the prescription medication I'm on triggers drug tests as an illicit substance yet people laugh it off as a joke. 

Do some people abuse the diagnosis to try and get uppers legally? 

I would assume so?‍♀️  I wouldn't know though since for me like many with ADHD it makes me extremely sleepy and due to the stigma and shame for needing the medication I often try to go off it and when I do the symptoms come back horribly. 

Struggling with ADHD feels so much worse today since I know what it feels like to not have ADHD raging out of control so it's quite disturbing going without the medication and feeling like I have lost myself. 

As much as people joke about disabilities or discriminatory behavior they are quite real. 

Picking on people who struggle with health matters isn't funny it's being a bully, for kids who do it one can say they aren't mature enough yet to see the harm yet for adults there is no excuse. 

Humanity needs to be more empathetic to the suffering of others. I at times wanna bash my head into a wall because I can't stop being this way. 

What's worse is my ADHD was impacted as a result of me having my genitals mutilated as a child. 

So when I see someone attack a person with a disability I take it personally since it reminds me of all the mocking and ostracizing I've faced my entire life.

 My best friend who lives in CT was visiting this past weekend.

He said something about the person I am dating that makes sense.  He said I have never been so complementary of any person before. 

I really believe this is a direct result of being sapiosexual. Since most people are of average intellect and creativity I find most people of average company. 

The person I am currently dating is the smartest woman I have ever dated by a long shot and even though I am also intelligent as I got older I started to get lazy with my intellectual pursuits.

  Junior chess champion

Played in Carnegie Hall

4 college degrees

Olympic caliber Martial artist 

Anything I put my mind to I became great at yet I was getting so depressed and bored with life the last few years I was beginning to think what's the point anymore. 

Currently me and my girlfriend have argued most about when I apply to medical programs I wanted to stay close and probably go to whatever the easiest one was to skate by having lost my desire to be the best. 

She refuses and told me if I don't do my best she wouldn't even want to be with me anymore. 

I think the thing that hurt me most was losing my grandma who I took care of when she was dying of cancer. 

She was always so excited whenever I would do or be excited by anything.

She was so proud of me yet once she expired the depression and lacking someone I truly loved in my corner like that just made me feel less energetic.

  Yet now my girlfriend wants me to do my best which is a tall ask since my best is usually unbelievably intense.

I am greatful she is in my life and it is for her not only being someone I look up to and admire but someone who pushes me to be the best I can be that causes me to hold her in the highest regard.

Last night after dinner me and the girlfriend snuggled and were watching some Lower decks as that was happening my dog Sitka wanted attention so she begged to be let on the bed. 

Sitka ended up falling asleep in my arms as she was hugged by me and my girlfriend. 

So exciting my two favorite people in the world snuggling it was so nice. 

My girlfriend showed extreme generosity when sitka needed pets to reassure her that she could be on the bed with us the girlfriend made an effort for her. 

Once the pressure of punishment was gone Sitka feel asleep so hard she was snoring kinda cute. ?

  I could spend the rest of my life wrapped up in so much love and not complain.? 

Miss both my girls at work surrounded by trauma and pain.

Drove to Saginaw for Extreme Haunt 

Today I was in a car for roughly 10 hours going from Baltimore to Saginaw for a once in a lifetime invitation only event. 

Extreme Haunts, when done right are akin to interactive Horror movies where you are in it alone. 

I will have to agree to a long lost of things before I participate but in general I will be abducted, taken to an unknown location, and then unless I say the safe word subjected to 2-3 hours of intensive experiences: physical, mental, and emotional. 

I have never done anything like this before I think it's a sign of my personal growth that in a situation I have so little control over I am calm and relaxed. 

In my youth as a result of having no family and being shuffled around from relationships I used to have a need for consistency and control. 

I am letting go of those illusions and ready to be a sponge and absorb a brand new experience.

  I hope it's enlightening otherwise this could be seen as a waste but I tried something brand new which to me is always a win.

Orphan Tears ? 

Born abandoned ignored

The facility all too busy

Left to cry unsoothed 

Placed with faces unknown

Shuffled with no sanctuary

Left to cry unheard 

Belongings tossed with no value

Clothes on my back only promise

Left to cry destitute 

Even my guardian left

Somehow being born me

Forced others to flee 

None to hear these orphan tears

I drown alone

as it was meant to be.

Terfs are the most Bigoted People Online.

This is my response to people who believe in the myth of binary gender.

Having a discussion about topics that include Intersex in the media is acceptable.

However, doing so in a way that is rude, dismissive, and outright bigoted towards members of the community cannot be allowed to stand.

In my own life, I was initially labeled male by medical teams because I have XY chromosomes. But my body wasn't responding to testosterone and developing correctly during puberty. The reason was I wasn't merely someone with androgen Insensitivey but had Swyer syndrome. Hence, the medical "experts" reclassified me as female medically and recommended me having operations to correct previous operations.

Now, here I sit, responding to my life and the debate about Intersex with a unique perspective. I have lived experience, and like other Intersex people, I am sick of other people telling us who we are.

I was raised male, genetically male, and thought I was male; wanted to be male, yet puberty had other plans. Due to uterine tissue, the only development of a female phenotype, including secondary sex characteristics, and living as a female for over 20 years, I am more accepting that this is my reality.

I never wanted to be female, yet at this point my gender I consider gender fluid because, at times, I am ok with my body being this way and accept it.

My experience might have been rare, but it happened at other times; I damn the universe for having me born in such a bizarre situation. Genetic males shouldn't have vaginas or periods; thus, it's mentally upsetting.

But why do I feel this tension? It's not innate. It's because of people who debate intersex existence. It's because of the hate and intolerance we face, and I have faced throughout my life.

It is because my own family, many friends, and the people I interact with made me feel like a mutated freak who would be better off dead. It is for these reasons that many Intersex advocates fought for and won the right in many countries for third-sex status.

Many Intersex people, myself included, do not feel male or female. Our bodies and lives are something different entirely from the trans and cis experiences. I may not legally have fought for the third sex designation for my records (fear of even more bigotry).

I understand why many intersex people feel it is necessary to better have their identification match who they are. In short, in my life, I have been legally and medically both male and female. I have identified more as a man, yet now, living in a pretty much cis woman's body, I consider myself gender fluid. If all this is true in my own experience as one solitary case study of an Intersex life. How can anyone judge or understand the unbelievably wide range of possibilities?

I share my story to raise awareness about the lived experience. This isn't a textbook article on a disorder. I'm a living, breathing person who has had to live with my conditions for decades. For intersex people, trans people, and questioning people who read this, live your truth. Everyone should seek to be the most genuine, honest version of themselves. This is your one chance to make your dreams a reality just be yourself, there will be hardships, but not being yourself is wasted potential.

As for those who seek to use Intersex as a debate tactic, be it trans people or terfs, there is a problem when you make a population already dealing with real health issues a more targeted minority. At least try to have intersex people's voices on the matter if discussing us.

Many of these debates do not have the best interest or concern of Intersex. The issue here is not trans people; they just wanna be left to live their lives in peace. It's bigotry and hate because Intersex is a reasonable demonstration that there is no sexual binary, even physically, that it now has created a sub-industry of grifters who want to try to rob intersex people of our identity and put us into the male-female binary to uphold their myopic worldview.

Although for many Intersex people, the binary works, it doesn't for everyone, including myself, and I personally don't need to debate anyone to know myself. We have already legally won the right to be considered a third sex. Thus, anyone who tries to debate binary sex has already ignored biology, medicine, the law, and the state.

Below are some starting points where you can be educated about third sex