Life has been......rather interesting lately. I’ve missed being here and connecting with you. I hope to share and learn what’s been going on in your lives also, but tonight.....tonight is for me💜
....with people who would appreciate it 🤣
Got that premium account baby! So now I get to play with you all! Here’s a couple pics of mine for the dress shirt challenge. It’s the only button up I own, lol. Not particularly dress up (I mean, I guess it depends on the occasion), but it has its merits!
A challenge about music? I'm all in!! Music is close to being as essential as air for me, so this challenge excited me, but is also a little daunting. Currently my "play" playlist is 8 hours long, after I cut some songs off....
I couldn't narrow it down to just one, or even two. But I do have two categories...ones that lyrically get me, and ones that musically get me. I could make so many more...ones I like to dance to, ones that I like with impact play....it goes on and on for me!
And since I do not have a premium account I don't think I can list links, but I will try! Enjoy!
Songs that lyrically rev me up sensually:
Songs that excite me musically, even if the lyrics don't entirely fit:
Sorry, not sorry for the list of music! Enjoy, and happy Saturday!!
Yep....that's the journey I've been on the last 3 years. This year has been paramount in overcoming fears and striving to show up as authentically as possible. And as always, with growth comes a lot of fear and pain.
Stepping into this lifestyle has been that way for me. It's been so natural, but natural is not synonymous with easy.
As I've learned more and more while on this path I have come to see how naturally submissive I am. I can look back to early childhood and see where I just craved the love and guidance of a someone and I would strive to obey and please. I can see where as a teenager I sought the same, but because of a few elements in my life (that are not for this or maybe any post) I had become very defiant and jaded in nature. I can see as an early adult I swung my pendulum completely to one side, threw myself into complete submission, but it came from a place of fear and lack of trust in myself. In the long run, that last stage almost broke me.
But now I'm here. Now, I'm in a place where I strive and successfully break down the walls built up over the years. I find it's easier to recognize when I'm building them up again, and to stop that and instead find my voice and speak about my wants and needs. It's easier to open up to those people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy...and sometimes to even take a chance on others. And I have learned to submit....to TRULY submit. It's still a process, and one I'd like to share, but I've already digressed a bit.....so back on topic.
In this growth process I have been learning to show up as myself. Not the watered down, censored version that I knew would keep all people around me comfortable and all relationships copacetic....the authentic me. It's not easy, most of the time. I'm hounded by fears of how other people will think or react. How will they see me? What if they think xyz? WHAT IF THEY PULL AWAY? That's the biggest fear.
But I've learned that in order to be surrounded by people who are capable of loving me...all of me...the way I want to be loved, I have to actually SHOW them who I am. Novel idea, isn't it?
One thing I realized on this BDSM journey is that I'm a bit of an exhibitionist....and I love art. I see photos of others that are beautiful and sensual, and I find I want to show some of myself. I find myself craving to present myself to others in a similar way. But you know....all those fears of not being enough. Not sexy enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough. And then, what if I'm seen as slutty or not classy, or feminine, or..........insert anything.
Eventually, I came to realize that I had to say "fuck fear". I had to go for it, even if it wasn't perfect, because otherwise I was just going to continue to let fear guide my decisions. I took a picture. It actually wasn't even for the purpose of this blog post, but when I saw it I had a nagging urge to take the plunge and post it. All the usual fears came bubbling up to the surface about how people would judge me, people I respect, people who's opinions matter. But, if you don't see me...how can you truly accept me? How can you love me for who I truly am? You're only loving certain parts.
So, I posted it. It's not perfect...I aspire to much more artistic and classier pictures. But, I realized it was my stepping stone to something much greater than a photo....
It was a path to loving and accepting myself. And the knowledge that I am enough, regardless of the opinions of others.
I've been here for about a month and have learned so much. I've learned quite a bit of really beautiful elements of the lifestyle such as the immense amount of communication and trust that goes into it. I love how absolutely aware and in tune the dominant is in his care of his submissive (change pronouns as desired). I also think the act of the submissive preparing herself for her dominant is such a beautiful display of care and service. To love and want to please someone so much that you become so detail oriented simply for their gratification....it's like art in motion. This whole lifestyle is like art in motion, actually!
But today I want to talk about something else I've learned...boundaries. It was actually the first lesson I learned as soon as I created my account here. As a new submissive in this lifestyle I found so much to be pretty overwhelming. The very next minute after creating my account I started getting messages from potential dominants. I had tried to create a profile that reflected my status as being in a relationship and looking for education. In my naivete I assumed that people reaching out would have taken that message to heart. I tried to not assume intentions before they were made clear, and so, I got myself into some places I didn't want to be in. Many men told me I could only learn how to be a submissive if they played the role with me. Being new, I felt like maybe they were right, but I knew I wasn't comfortable with it. I was afraid to step on toes. It was then I knew I was struggling with boundaries.
I reached out to a submissive whose blogs and profile I really resonated with. She helped me to understand that setting boundaries in this world is no different than in the vanilla world. *You don't owe them anything*
I remembered my intuition. I remembered my voice. And I started setting my boundaries when, where, and how I wanted. Most people were very respectful once I set the boundaries and I realized that in this world, people (especially doms) are used to pushing a little. Not out of disrespect, but often in a way to help their submissive grow. And I realized there was no place for weak or nonexistent boundaries...it was a recipe for someone, maybe multiple people, getting hurt.
I still have so much to learn, and I'm excited for this journey I am on.
And also, this is the first blog post I've ever written in my entire life...I covet your feedback :)
