Here are three times my trust was challenged and how it made me feel.
The first time was at a young age. I was in middle school dating for the first time a girl who i admired. She was tall, punk, opinionated and smart. For the sake of anonymity her name will be January. Now January and i got along very well. We both played guitar, she liked to talk and i liked to listen. We spent alot of our time outside at a local junkyard that had been abandoned adventuring and talking to each other about the future, imagining what it had in store. After a month or two of dating i noticed a pattern change. I was left alone at our meeting point from time to time. She wasn't home when I'd walk over to her house (Yeah I'm talking about the times when phones had cords and it still wasn't weird to walk over to someone's house miles away) Then it happened, i heard a rumor about January missing another boy. "This has to be someone else" i remember thinking. I confronted her about it jokingly but her face only confirmed the matter. My heart sank. It felt like someone had tossed it in a pool of ice cold water and slowly dropped onto a needle slowly piercing it. A million questions ran through my mind as she walked away. She chose another over me? What could i have done better? What caused this to happen? A few weeks went by before i recovered from this short relationship.
Then came March. By the time I'd met March I'd gone through a handful of short lived relationships but all that ended without heart ache until this one. Now with March i don't remember how we met but i do remember the emotional roller coaster she put me through. I remember she was like a dream come true. Teal eyes, blonde, tall, nice figure, funny, witty, intelligent and had a beautiful voice. It was as usual all fine and dandy for the first three months and then her ex wanted her back. The clear problem here was the distance between her and i. Since it was an online relationship there wasn't much i could do at the time except have faith in her. I hoped for the best and thought of i showed i cared for her she'd stay loyal to me. Thus ensued the ride. I sent her videos of me serenading her. Left her voicemails. I made sure she knew i cared for her. We spent hours on the phone talking and even sometimes did some role-playing. She was great to me and i to her but then out of the blue she broke up with me. She sent me a text "its over I'm Done with you." This caught me off guard because we'd spoken the day before and everything was fine. She'd blocked my number, i couldn't message her in MySpace and she wasn't responding to any text messages. She left me wondering what had happened. I came to the conclusion that she'd left me for her ex. I was beside myself in rage. I felt so betrayed why the shit again? My heart was on fire burning engulfed by hate. Why wasn't i good enough? I'd told her I'd find a way to visit. We'd talked about our lives and where we were headed. Then after a month she called me begging to be with me again. Of course i said yes my heart was bleeding for her, yearning for her affection. She kept this routine for about a year until she decided she'd had enough of me. Thinking about it now this is probably when i felt completely lost. I didn't know what an abusive relationship was and it felt like someone had a hold of my heart periodically squeezing it until all the juice was out of it and then again after the fact. I thought I'd never recover from this. There was no longer rage, no joy in being with friends, playing sports, music or school. My drive had been taken from me and i was just phasing through the days. It took me 2 years possibly more to ignite the flame again.
Then there was February. Now with February things were different. She'd been a long time friend and we both kind of knew we liked each other but never did anything about it until we took a summer college course together purely by coincidence. We went on dates and spent whole days at each other's houses watching movies or just sitting on the porch talking to each other. Then halfway through the summer we made it official. Boyfriend and Girlfriend at last. I feel like February and i held a special connection between each other which is why i feel like it especial hurt. There was a point in our relationship where we'd be going somewhere riding along in the car and I'd put the song that was playing in her head without prompt or I'd thinking out going somewhere and she'd invite me to that place. There was alot of that happening back and forward but then as per usual by now she starting acting strange. Like she was hiding something. I remember going against my better judgement reassuring myself that she of all people would stay loyal to me. Then she distanced herself from me, hanging out with her "friend" January. First i thought it was just a coincidence that her friend was named as such but i remember that her ex' name was Jan short for January. I grew suspicious. Towards the end of summer she messed up. She told me she was going to hang out with January again and i shrugged out off. I was walking home and for a brief moment i saw them. Passing before my eyes on his car March and January her ex. I walked slower, feeling the wind pass through me chilling my body even though it was scorching hot that day. My heart, oh how heart churned and whirled in disbelief. No, not her, she wouldn't. She called me soon after but that only confirmed it. My heart was being ripped apart by what felt like metal skeletal hands. I was a quarter of a mile away from home when i vomited. It was too much. I vomited more until i was dry heaving. I couldn't process what was happening. There wasn't much to be said, the matter was quite simple. Following suite with past relationships she broke up with me after a couple of days. That much i knew was coming, either way i was left numb.
