I wrote this almost a year ago. At the time I ended up stuffing my feelings, feeling like I wouldn’t fully be understood.
3 months ago my dad passed away and I’m spinning. Hard…. and I find myself here once again and not handling it well.
Tears
Tears. I remember watching friends in school cry over a lost love or hurt feeling and wondering if I was broken. I envied them. I walked around with a perpetually filled cup, not knowing how to find my release. I could cry for trivial things, sad songs, movies... but it was not the release of a cry that has washed your soul... pulling you from suffocating waters.
As time went on and I found my true self as a sub, my balance was found... but once in a while.... every once in a while I found myself spinning. A spin that was not part of our power exchange. A spin that was all mine and I knew this thirst would eventually take over until satisfied. I hated it. I am not a brat by nature, I find myself sitting comfortably in a place between teasing and well knowing my boundaries. Only a couple times in my life have I reached a place where in my need, I would poke the bear, let’s say. I would push... push beyond the limit of the most patient Dom to the point that there was a loss of control. To the point where that loss of control ended with a harsh physical punishment.
In that moment, it truly was two fold for me.... I needed the hurt to come from a place of anger, it would not work any other way (yes, I tried). In the same breath, I needed someone to be strong enough, worthy enough, safe enough to submit my tears to. Not surface tears. Tears that come from a depth unseen, that flow from the moment I feel the first burn of a hit until I shatter over and over under his body. The physical power matching the emotions of the moment. The intensity of the orgasms I have in this place make me flush just thinking about it even years later. The desire beyond reason.
I tried for years to evaluate, justify, explain away my reason for this kind of release. I fought how fucked up I must be to have to bring myself here.
After I found myself alone, I would bring myself to this place. I would run a trail until I physically collapsed into tears, unable to move for moments... lost in the grief, anger, confusion, frustration, and weight of the release that came with pushing my body. And then I would be fine for awhile.... 6 months.... then a couple months.... now just a couple weeks.
I’ve now been in a LDR for over a year now and find myself in a familiar place. The runs are not working, they are coming far to consecutively and now.... there are no tears.
There came a point in my last relationship where he was no longer worthy of my tears and no man has been gifted with them since.
What my Sir and I have is deeper than anything I have known before. He sees me. All of me. I know this my way of wanting to give him this part of me, possibly also testing him, but I’m scared.
I have tried to do things differently this time. I am open, I am communicating, I am sharing my thoughts instead of pushing but it doesn’t put out the fire. I know eventually I will be consumed by this need.
I thought maybe just penning out my feelings would help me sort them and gain some clarity.”
Let me preface. I am not a brat. No shade to anyone who is, just prefacing who I am. I do not misbehave. I am a fully capable, strong woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone…. but my Sir, I’m his. I don’t like to anger him or disappoint him in any way. I communicate my needs and wants regularly. I really can’t explain enough, and I’m not being arrogant, I fully and happily submit to him without a second thought and have for over a year. Before him I did with my other Doms as well.
But right now, I need what I can’t ask for. Because then it would null and void. He doesn’t play games, nor does he even acknowledge this place I am in, and maybe he’s right. Maybe I am picking petty arguments. Maybe my feelings are all over the place. I pride myself on staying even, I hate this spin. This builds. And I can’t stop it, and I need to be handled.
This is different than topping to me, and nothing like being a brat for fun. This is everything in me wanting to challenge him in a way that I am forced to submit. It lays dormant for years sometimes and then surfaces and I cannot shake it.
Do any other subs experience this? I’m a very dominant personality in my life. I make my rules, I make the rules for my family and I lead in my profession…. being a sub balances these scales for me. It soothes me, but I feel out of balance atm. I keep trying to stuff it and I have tried in the past and it doesn’t work. I also love my Sir, in and out of our dynamic he deserves my respect… it’s just conflicting to me
