Desires and Want

I think there's something utterly enticing about a patient teacher.

Every new person I see as a fresh start on clean slate, so I clean my own slate as well. I want to be blank, so I can be rewritten to match. I want to be taught how to pleasure them, not by doing pleasurable things, but by doing the most effective and personalized service for that person. Anyone can sleep with anyone, but how can I be nearly perfectly of service to them?

I like when they teach me what they like the most. When I position myself, only for them to reposition me just so. When they tell me what I've done correctly, saying Yes, just like that.  Teach me more, please. I promise I'm a quick learner.

~Blaise 🖤

I've been at work for so long.

Locking myself from all forms of penetration has not only insured my health in a strange environment, but it has also curbed my desire a bit. Only a bit. Seeing the clock tick upwards helps me reign myself in. Nearing half a year though, it has me fantasizing about when I finally get home...

I've no one to return to, truly. Thinking I still won't fuck myself silly with a dildo is amusing though, and that I won't lounge around with a sweet, all filling plug is just plain wrong. But the gifts I plan to buy myself are taunting me mentally. I cant stop thinking about them. I squirm in my seat with just a passing thought. The toys I have on my wishlist, good lord. I want to buy myself the Hismuth machine, where it won't matter much if I have someone to control it for me at first. All the things I can do with that lovely thing...

Oh baby, I think I've earned it...

~Blaise 🖤

I've been good.

I don't have anyone to tell that to. Or anyone to tell that to me. Nonetheless, it is important for me to say it. I've been good. So, so good. I'm proud of it too. Sexually, mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. I'm doing so well! I've made such progress. The small things are starting to roll together into a tiny ball of things that will eventually become one big thing that'll be my life. It's a bit of a mess, but messes can be fun to make or fun to clean up. I'm....

I'm good. This is good.

~Blaise 🖤

I thought myself better than him. Mercifully gifting him with my attention, which he so desperately wanted. Though as time changed, so did we. As he held my face between his hands, he saw in my eyes what tried to hide. Desperation. And in his eyes I saw pity and amusement, for he'd grown better than me in the end. And I hadn't grown at all.

It's hard to ignore the irony of him literally looking down at me.

~Blaise 🖤

I have no principle, no self-discipline.

I've yet to try Adderall, so my main weakness so far, my nemesis, is too many choices. Too many choices overwhelm me quite easily. I can have the option of choosing—doing— absolutely anything and everything... yet I'll simply not choose.

I can't. It's the same mental paralysis that's screwed me over so many times.

The best outcome I can see? For me? I need someone who can take away my choices to a degree that's comfortable for us both.

They'll have a scene, just for me. They would have two, maybe three things they want to do to me, want to use on me. I mentally catastrophize often, but they'll know to give me the simple questions.

"Do you want this?" Yes or no?

"What are you okay with me using right now?" One or two?

Maybe it's best to gag me in some way—catastrophic choice paralysis, remember— so I don't back out when I don't mean to, and I never mean to (it's anxiety panic, okay??), because then I'm left so unsatisfied.

I'll have a visual safeword, a physical signal. Something to hold. Holding on tight? Keep going, please. Let go? Full stop. We'll work out a third signal for "still good, but slow down" based on the item, maybe...

And afterwards they'll tell me that they knew I could do it, whatever it was, despite what my brain and embarrassment tells me. If I pleased them or not— and by the stars I hope I did.

~Blaise 🖤

9 months ago.

I wish I had someone who could provide training, a gentle patient hand to teach me even the most basic of basics. I must admit I am slow to learn sometimes, but it's just the ADD.

I hope I find someone to help me feminize myself mentally, and teach me how to truly submit. I am a beginner, a clean blank slate. I'd consider myself a virgin even, if abysmal/unsatisfactory experiences didn't count (But they do). Even if a romantic relationship doesn't come from this, the three basic things I want to learn are this:

Introductory submissive training.
New interests and finding out things I WON'T do.
And how to use my mouth to its fullest potential.

~Blaise 🖤

(NOT an ad this time, I swear 😅)

I'll just come right out and say it. 

I am lazy, I am childish, and I want way more than I could ever need. 

Honestly, if someone wanted me to just sit in their house all dolled up and pretty, I'd be fine with that. I would just sit inside most days, wearing slutty outfits, or cosplay, or just nothing- 

I would. 

Give me a good computer and a gaming console or two- I'm hooked and locked in. If I ask for a game, they'd buy it. Then I'd sit on a dildo all day until they come home to use me. I could be a streamer or something (gaming or otherwise~) and wear whatever cute little things I'm ordered to. 

I'd love for them to dress me up as whatever they desire, and go scene by scene by scene. Day in and day out. I wish they'd buy me little gifts, shoes, a new game, new toys, a necklace, a collar...

And we could go out to the movies, to conventions, to parties, to dungeons, and have all the time in the world. I'd even give myself to others if asked of me, for someone who treasures me like a priceless, rare, collectible doll.

~  Blaise 🖤

I will be honest here. 

I am an independent type of person, and I love having the ability to just get up and go somewhere if I decided to. But I can't do that much because I am broke 💔.  If I could get all the money I could ever need in one fell swoop, ohhh... I would buy a a place that I could sustain by myself (homestead style) and never leave unless I absolutely have to or want to. I dream that I'll have a small business somewhere that gives a steady source of income, without me having to do much work. Unrealistic, I know.

But I could just imagine living on my own property, with money to to buy all the costumes and toys that I want! Whoever I allow to be there with me would have the time of their lives. I could wear absolutely anything (or absolutely nothing) inside or outside the house whenever I please. And whenever they please. Honestly I might make myself a living and a lifestyle being a pretty little hilltop whore.

~Blaise 🖤

I got a taste of pure peace. Once, but only once. I really want it again. I can barely remember it, and that's what's nice.

Quite a while back I helped someone out. Mutually consenting to this activity beforehand, He wasn't quite sure if he wanted to try anything anal on a partner. I very much wanted to try it, and so we came to a consensus...

Now, the taste that I got had nothing to do with anal specifically, but I am guessing that I slipped into what a "subspace" is.

Somewhere along the way He ended up pretty much on top of me, as we were in a cramped car. I, being a quite petite size, was consequently and unintentionally pinned down under His weight. My face was pressed down against the leather seat, my arms were pinned underneath me, and He pushed down on my back leaving only my lower half propped upwards as He lost control over himself. I lost my breath and my vision, and I also lost track of time until he finished and was pulling me off the seat with apologies. 

Needless to say, He'd decided that this was definitely something he would enjoy with future partners. 

Was that my subspace? I hope I get to visit it again, that I won't be stuck with such a simple taste of it.

~Blaise 🖤

I am filled with the urge to announce that I have returned from my training, but I am also filled with the feeling of wanting something, ANYTHING really- to happen. I'm bored again, it seems I'm cursed with it. I've been practically in a rut, or heat or whatever, for the longest time. All by my lonesome and desperate in the nights, but always unsatisfied.

I am currently sitting on a 7 inch silicone cock, and just staying there. Is it normal to be so horny all the time, yet when I actually try to do something about it, it's like everything disappears? The feelings I've been plagued with dissipate, the heat through my body is gone, and I'm at a loss at what to do.

Now, as usual, I'm sitting here plugged with this toy, afraid to dismount because if I do, this entire cycle begins again and again. Always dissatisfied. 

~Blaise 🖤