cynamn

It's a lonely night.
Not as lonely as last night. My body is taking deep, deep breaths as I lie in  this darkness. The world around me is totally dark. I feel the darkness of loneliness licking at my feet. It swirls above my head. So I lie so very still. I can't let it touch me,if it does,  I don't believe it will ever leave.

A slave, alone,in the dark. Terrifying to her

It's a place no one should know. Tonight it touched this slave girl. Deep dark loneliness   clawing at her soul. Singing and whispering to let it in, to give it a home.

I understand why it's visited, why it chosen this girl.  I am slave girl. I have no Master to call me his. No longer am I good girl. I have no collar to hold me, my worth is to be proved. Maybe a Master will look this way, see this girl and feel pity. If I can keep this darkness from claiming her first.

My journey has been short . I believed my end would be victorious.  Thus slave girl would become highly prized, needed wanted. But here she us afraid to move. Afraid for her future.

My mind looks back to the days of wonder. The excitement the wanting, the touch of my Nasters hand, his voice in my ear ,how it permeated into my heart.

The journey that gave me purpose, light footsteps, a gleam in my eye and a skip in my heart. Oh what a journey I have had. I have felt the mighty moments of a Masters want and I have given him pleasure. I pleased my Master.

Then I failed him. The ache the pain the sinking of my spirit.  The diming glow . Heavy head and eyes that water even if a butterfly was to pass me by. I failed him.

Yet in this swirling darkness. As I fight its whispering voice, I can see the journey that tought me my place. That gave me a bended knee, new hope and wonder.

A light flickers in that darkness. Showing me a path of that not many have walked. A path of enlightenment acceptance and joy. The difference between a  taking and serving. The meeting of two people willing to be more to each other.

The light expands and grows, and the darkness recedes. I am just slave girl  who has hope  ,yet that is me.

Lace- 
There is a saying which keeps popping into my head…. “Make your choices, by choosing the
consequences”. My consequences could be life changing, and although it scares me, I just can’t seem to
let go of the changes that have started to mold me”,without any knowledge of what a Dominant or a submissive should be, I began this journey by joining a
few websites and there I met a couple of very experienced Dom’s I also met many who are what I call
“wanna be’s”.it was hard to tell the difference at first, but I soon learnt. There were times I was asked to
send pictures, other times made to promise everlasting service. It always started with, how special they
would treat the submissive, how they understand and the unbelievable patience they have. Moving very
quickly onto nude pictures and the wish to watch the cum you would have from just being in their
company.
Unfortunately, it is now how I have now come to judge any Dom I may speak with. Do they promise me
their kingdom and how many pictures will they ask for in the first few days. It doesn’t take long to
become bored with the grasping minds and telling needs they have. Down they go and I move on.
Fortunately, I have met others that I have trusted, two who were both in their 70s and had at least 40
years of experience in the lifestyle.
As I think back, my thoughts mingle with all the emotions that I have experienced. Not wanting to make my blog emotional, my intention is to explain how my journey as a submissive and how  all this started.
My first  Dom,  an older man. I love older men The older the better. Their kindness their
consideration, tinged with a smudge of gratefulness, is impossible to resist. And of course, Im not young
anymore, my glory days are far behind me. This Dom gave me  small glimpses into this lifestyle and I like how it made me feel; so feminine,so powerful, so
satisfied and worthy. I'm not experienced enough to explain it lol but I Like it and I want it,still want it.
My hunger to be submissive, to be the best submissive soon became apparent. One who serves, who can
freely give of her self,yet ..... the Dom was not quite right for me.
 I then met up with Master,my Master. I think probably the most corrupt man I have ever had the pleasure of
meeting. Its these experiences I wish to write about . His patience in the beginning and his understanding of what I needed. They will slowly emerge through this journal , he and I have become closely connected.

And so I became his submissive. An older man of 70years, youthful and very experienced in the lifestyle. My hope was  to learn to be the best submissive I can be.

It surprised me that he chose me but I will forever be grateful he did So here we go...  …let's see how this unfolds, it won't be boring that I can
assure you, it sure will be messy, and it might have few tearful moments.
 Without knowing about the lifestyle, eager and ready, I was waiting for this for many years.

My  blog is new .......I have started to blog. A new effort, I hope I will not bore you.

My last blog was titled Lace which speaks to the submissive side of D/s . Today I wish to honor the Steel, and you guessed right it is/was my Dom.

A very important part of my life, without whom,I could not be striving to become .... a slave.

Since falling into the lifestyle and I mean falling, I have craved, desired, feared but above all been happy through it all. And I was lucky enough to meet the steel to my lace, (a play on Ying and yang).

In this time I have negotiated, begged and eventually pleaded my way through tasks and punishments only to be met by a very  determined  Master, whom I have never understood.

He has had his plans and goals , he was always thinking and planning, and just when I thought I understood him , his direction would change. It made me feel like a small child skipping and chatting behind him as he takes us on this great journey.

Me, always aware of my needs, but unaware of his. I knew he had plans,  he always surprised me.

So let's do this  let's start this journey. But first it is important that I explain who I am, and why I’m here. It’s a a journey which needs to be expressed in detail for  you to understand why a woman of my age and abilities has found it necessary to join the world of BDSM.

My name is now cynamyn and this  is how I sign all documents. I used to use a capital in my name and add my last name. I no longer have that privilege, this is how I publicly express my obedience to Sir. I have had many names; my birth name , a nick name as a child and a cute name to my friends, my husband calls me another name, and an ex-husband called me, "Thing." But I know I am cynamyn and always will be.

I was born in another part of the world, my childhood probably no different to others of the same time and place. But I was different. I didn't feel different I  was just different, what amused other children, bored me, what amused me gave other children confusion so slowly I started to drift away into my own world and that’s how it’s been ever since.

Secrets, as a child I had many, I adored my father and despised my mother. Only to find out how fickle a father’s love can be. I learnt to be without both from the age of 9.

I became an observer; I would watch others. Now you may think I was a lonely child: I wasn’t. I had friends and from those friends I kept secrets. I do not remember ever having dolls or toys, but I do remember  the joy of exploring my sexuality. As a preschooler lunchtime naps were heaven, I would lie on the bed on my stomach and cup my little pussy in my hands and gently hump the pillow. It used to put me into a light trance like doze that settled all those confused feelings that little children experience. As a schoolgirl, masturbation was my secret past time and it kept me busy anytime I was alone. While my friends were chasing boys and gossiping about the latest fashions, I was comfortable in learning the pleasures my body could give me. A journey that was to be interrupted by expectations families had for girls in those days.

I married. Had children. Joined the church and became the typical all rounded Mother/Wife I was expected to be. I had left my secret world and joined the real world. 

To say I did not enjoy it would an understatement and I was never totally satisfied. I remember once my young husband coming home to find me fucking myself. Bless his heart he never judged me, but he realized our sex life was just not enough.

Our marriage ended abruptly 5yrs later I was 27 years old. Being dated by a man 20 years my senior and I was in heaven. This man understood what it took to satisfy a woman of my type. And satisfy he did. He introduced me to all types of sex, and I was hooked. Out went the church, out went the stuffy dresses and pearls, gone was the well-groomed matronly wife and out came this hungry all absorbing raging sex machine.

I did whatever he wanted no questions asked. I trusted him implicitly, I worshipped him, I was his submissive without even knowing such a thing existed. He controlled what I ate, how I looked, what sex I could have and who I could talk to. He beat me once; I was actually unconscious for a few moments which scared him. I did not complain, I accepted my fate and tried to be a better wife. By that time I was married to him. But I was just not enough, and he went out and found others, he had a craving for prostitutes and would often go out .I remember telling him he could bring them home I would not mind. He never did. 

My life changed again and now I’m with my present husband. A good man. Vanilla…. What more can say. I should have known better but I didn’t and I am now in the position of seeking out the lifestyle I want to have. But without him, he is oblivious, and I have  to keep it that way. A man I’m proud to have as a husband but cant give me what I crave, the life of a submissive. If I could sit down and have a frank talk with him, and he could respond my actions would be different.

I have tried but he is vanilla  he is plain and if he was an ice cream he would melt at the passion and fire I own.

So I began my quest to find the lifestyle I need to live.

My first ever blog!

After reading a few blogs that have been posted. I wondered if it was something I could do. Having never understood the need or reason to blog, here I am. Dipping my toe in. 

I am a "wana be slave " However, I live in a vanilla  world.

Living in this world (vanilla) is extremely stressful. I have to be responsible. I'm expected to be emancipated. Woman around me want their independence.To be successful, to be competent, strategic, and resourseful . Superwoman.!!

Me..... I am confused... I have had a chance to be in the lifestyle, but only online. Yet. I did not manage to keep my Master and so here I am trying to work out how this journey is meant to go.

I have labeled my blog Lace on Steel , my reasoning and thoughts, are to compare and understand the femininity of lace against the force of steel. 

There are so many changes, that take place within a woman who finally can recognize her place. Who comes to realize the truth about herself. So many questions to ask. She is forced to look at her life. her wants and her needs. Above all she is forced to face the edge of that Steel.

So if you will, follow me on this journey A journey of change, desire ,and lots of fear. A path to the truth and realization. 

I am probably walking the most important path of my life. Asking questions....alone, but strong .  Maybe between us, some answers will come. So join me on this journey of self realization