8 months ago. Sun 05 Nov 2017 06:29:23 AM IST
This is something I wrote a few years ago; before the cage and before my master and his pet. These are words I heard everyday, words I even had to listen to not that long ago but since I have given myself over to my master I have only heard them a handful of times. That is something I thought would never be possible. I thought I would have to live with them the rest of my life, trying my best to ignore them and just keep living. I can never truly thank him enough for what he has done for me.
I’m lost. I don’t know where to go or who to talk to. My fears and pain keeps creeping up on me. How do I make them stop? How do I not let the past hurt me? I know I should leave the words and actions behind and look to the future but how do I do that when they are there too? How do I ignore them when I’m the one saying it? I know when the people said these things to me they were just kids, or mad, or be mean for means sake but how do you ignore the truth? How can you be stronger then the truth? Everyday I lie to the people around me. Everyday I try to hide the truth from them, from Kiana because once they know, will they still want me. Will they still be willing to tell me that I’m this wonderful person who deserves happiness and loving people in their lives? I know they won’t, because I don’t. I don’t deserve anything that has been given to me. I didn’t earn it. I wasn’t some wonderful, generous, smart person who worked for it. I didn’t do anything for what has be given to me and I don’t give them anything in return.
I don’t know if I was bullied as a kid or just unfortunate in receiving some mean comments. What I do know is that no matter what I have suffered from its not enough. It will never be enough. I will never hurt enough for me to be ungrateful, rightful in my depression, allowed to feel the pain. The heartache I feel will never be heard. It doesn’t deserve to be. It never will be. The fear, the pain, the sadness, the unworthiness will be put away. Away so far and deep, no one will feel it; will be hurt by it. I will become a tool for others, a way for them to better their lives. A way to make them feel peace, a peace I will forever be denied.
I fell trapped. Confined in this body I was born into. It’s not enough. I want to, no need to break free from it. I need to run. Run into the woods where I will be free to just be. Be nothing or anything. To run so fast I feel the wind like a blade whipping past me. To run so far nothing and no one can catch me to bring me back to these walls of solitude. I need to be free but I’m trapped. Trapped.
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