A Sub? A Domme? A Switch?

It comes in different forms: physical, mental, emotional, consensual, and forced. It can give you that oh so wonderful satisfaction of release or it can bring your world crumbling down. Everyone knows pain. Some are acquaintances, some pass it by on the street, others are close friends, and many are immediate family members. I know pain: emotional. She's practically my best friend. We have our quarrels and fights. Some have only lasted moments while others have taken years: years of the same hurt, the same heartbreaking words, the same torturous thoughts, and the same excuses. After some time, I’ve created a callous to the pain, become numb to it so I didn’t realize I was still being hurt. I learned to deal with it, to move past it. To not let it stop me from living. Yes it still does hurt, it still makes my world crumble but I already have the tools to rebuild, to not dwell on the words and thoughts, and to not let it break my heart. So now I can live with the pain and I expect the pain. She will always be in my life. Sometimes I will greet her with open arms, sometimes I’ll quietly sit next to her as we each do our own thing, and sometimes I will fight her with everything I have.

Words can do so many things. What you say to someone, what you say to yourself, what someone says to you, regardless of the relationship, words hurt. They can build, love, be passionate, and numb. They can inspire, grow, influence, and tear down. Words can give you life or make it feel like there's none worth living. Words matter, in all regards, with all people. The blame, the hurt, the confusion, none of that is what mattered. What mattered were the words. The ones I said to myself, the ones I said to them, they ones that were said to me. I will cherish and hold all these words for my life becuase whether they are pain or love, the built up or teard down, they mattered and they always will matter.  

A hopeless romantic is an expression describing a person who has romantic notions about life. For a hopeless romantic: life = love. Especially when that person is involved in a relationship - He/she thinks about love and romantic relationships in a different way than other people.

People considered to be hopeless romantics can also be described as “dreamers”, “daydreamers”, “idealists”, or “sentimental”.  These descriptions all describe a particular personality. The "hopeless" part might be due to the way these people perceive the world - in a dream-like, wishy-washy, perhaps unrealistic manner.  Hopeless romantics have lofty or elaborate expectations, not just about love, but also about life itself.  According to some, more "rational", "practical" thinkers, these people are considered fools, for their romantic notions about life.  They build an idea up about love, and are usually doomed to perpetually search for a relationship that will satisfy them, although their own expectations are so dream-like that they are not easy to fulfill.

I am a Hopeful Romantic. I am a Daydreamer: Idealists, a Sentimental person who views the world in a dream-like, wishy-washy way who has expectations of love and life itself because Love is Life to me.

I am hopeful because I do not have unrealistic, lofty, elaborate expectations of said love and life. I hope that I will be given those dreams; the love I crave to give and receive and live a life I deem worth living. The idea I built up of love and relationships do not make me a fool. I am not doomed to perpetually search for something that will satisfy that idea. My expectations are not so dream-like to not be easily fulfilled. I know this because I have been given that love, the relationship I hoped and dreamed to be lucky enough to have some day. I am living the life I deemed worthy. I am hopeful that I will continue to live this life and hold the love, which was given to me and cherish the wonderfully exciting and intimidating relationship I have been blessed to find. And I hope I can give them the same in return. To make them feel like they have been given a love few can call reality instead of a hopeless dream.

****This is Edited****

I had writtsn this post when I did not have control over my emotions, I did not have all the information, and when I did not understand the repruccissions my posts may have. My emotions are to be shared and expressed but not in the manner I choose below. They should have been held with dignity and respect not only for myself but for those involved. I was hurtful because I was hurting and that is not okay. To have pain and talk about it, is a great thing. To have pain and use it to hurt others only because you can is not. I am okay now. The people involved are okay now. We talked, got all the information, found the problem and then found a solution. We worked it out and no matter how small the situation is, full communication is always needed as is trust. 

You upset our Domme. We trusted you to keep her healthy and strong. We allowed her to rely on you; to believe this is a Dom who can handle us, take care of us. You do sometimes but she needs to be healthy always. This wasn't the first time you forgot about her but it will be the last we allow her to trust you to not do so. She is and always will be ours.

I was hurt/angered this morning and I found out it was all because of miscommunication and a lack thereof. I'm still upset but not at the person. They didn't hurt me like I thought and I apologize for that misdirected anger. I did not know what I do now. She is still ours and I'm not going to rely on anyone to take care of her health but know its not out of mistrust or hurt but the distance and messed up schedules. 

You shared apart of yourself that I hold dear and I thought was mine but it turns out it can be anyone's. Apart that was souly intimate to me. This cheapened the relationship, made it less special, less personal. Made me feel less in your heart, less mine.

"Actions always prove why words mean nothing."

I wait for the physical touch I’ve been craving since I first spoke to him

To feel the actual caress of his hands instead of trying to imagine them

To truly know his smell and taste

Know the sounds he makes not through a computer but in person

To do the wonderful, lip biting, delicious things he describes

To get off not with my hands but theirs

I need to touch him; I want to touch him.

All over. Licking, biting, caressing, rubbing

I want to moan, long and deep.

Not just from great sex but because I get to finally wrap myself around him.

I get to feel his fingers run through my hair and then yank it back.

Feel his hand wrap around my throat…..

Mmmmmm…..

This is something I wrote a few years ago; before the cage and before my master and his pet. These are words I heard everyday, words I even had to listen to not that long ago but since I have given myself over to my master I have only heard them a handful of times. That is something I thought would never be possible. I thought I would have to live with them the rest of my life, trying my best to ignore them and just keep living. I can never truly thank him enough for what he has done for me.

I’m lost. I don’t know where to go or who to talk to. My fears and pain keeps creeping up on me. How do I make them stop? How do I not let the past hurt me? I know I should leave the words and actions behind and look to the future but how do I do that when they are there too? How do I ignore them when I’m the one saying it? I know when the people said these things to me they were just kids, or mad, or be mean for means sake but how do you ignore the truth? How can you be stronger then the truth? Everyday I lie to the people around me. Everyday I try to hide the truth from them, from Kiana because once they know, will they still want me. Will they still be willing to tell me that I’m this wonderful person who deserves happiness and loving people in their lives? I know they won’t, because I don’t. I don’t deserve anything that has been given to me. I didn’t earn it. I wasn’t some wonderful, generous, smart person who worked for it. I didn’t do anything for what has be given to me and I don’t give them anything in return.

I don’t know if I was bullied as a kid or just unfortunate in receiving some mean comments. What I do know is that no matter what I have suffered from its not enough. It will never be enough. I will never hurt enough for me to be ungrateful, rightful in my depression, allowed to feel the pain. The heartache I feel will never be heard. It doesn’t deserve to be. It never will be. The fear, the pain, the sadness, the unworthiness will be put away. Away so far and deep, no one will feel it; will be hurt by it. I will become a tool for others, a way for them to better their lives. A way to make them feel peace, a peace I will forever be denied.

I fell trapped. Confined in this body I was born into. It’s not enough. I want to, no need to break free from it. I need to run. Run into the woods where I will be free to just be. Be nothing or anything. To run so fast I feel the wind like a blade whipping past me. To run so far nothing and no one can catch me to bring me back to these walls of solitude. I need to be free but I’m trapped. Trapped.

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It feels impossible to be important to someone who is in love with several others. I crave his attention but know I need to step back. I’m new to his life and therefore last. They come first. I only get him when he has time. I’m in an open group with a polyamorous man and I’m still the side chick. I’m the one the others worry about, the one they are afraid will take his time away from them, when in reality he would drop me in an instant if they needed him.

I am also new to this lifestyle. I have never been a sub nor been with anyone who was this open. He says he wants to train me and be gentle with me but he never does. He has stopped talking to me to do a training session with one of his other subs. I do not degrade them for this; I don’t want to take his time away from them, I want them to feel his love and be happy. I just wish I was worth the same; that I deserved the same attention and time and effort.

I say I’m okay with waiting to talk and that he doesn’t have to respond right away and I am. I’m not okay with being told that he’s mine today and not hearing back for hours; with only talking to him when he needs to. I want them; to be with them, play with them, love them but I don’t know if I deserve them. I don’t know if I ever will or if I will be worth it to them, worth joining their lovely, erotic, heartwarming group. A part of me knows I won’t be, which is why I felt the need to block my heart tonight; another part cried with knowledge of what I did, knowing how much it will hurt him but I can’t be pushed to the back. I can’t give my heart if it’ll just be tossed in the trash. I need it to be protected and cherished and until I feel otherwise I need to take it back; to lock it up safe behind closed doors where only one person has a key and who is too far away to use it. Where I know no other can touch it unless I hand it over. Where no one can rip it out for their pleasure.