Who I am or Who am I?

Who you think you are it's not who you really are. There's so much more to you.

What you feel is beyond your comprehension. There are emotional canvases painted in emotional disgust hiding the beauty of the real you, the emotional you. There's so much more to you.

Your tears are just a piece of the tapestry that makes your life a unique blend of influential experiences. They are but a moment in time, passable if you let it.

Your loneliness is but a point...a sharp dull point. Painful as it may be, it rips through you only to let light flow in... Light you may not see but others see well. Others that follow your light to their own inconceivable redemption and salvation.

You are so much more than you really are 

So....stay 

Take someone's hand 

Use someone's light

** This is for me. This Christmas is hard as it is the first Christmas without my sister. Today was her day to do Christmas breakfast and a huge family get together.  My babe would be to go over so he could be with her and the big boys. I wish she chose to stay but her love for others cause her to sacrifice herself and covid took her away. So...My pain will be hidden with a smile soon. She left but I need to choose to stay.

I used to consider this lifestyle an escape from reality.  But my life isn't that fulfilled as much as I would like it to be in this lifestyle. My opinion of Doms is low but I understand they are human and can't really pay good attention to a little or sub. We have to find our own way and happiness without Dom in it. So today I'm blocking my Dom out in hopes of getting myself together. I can be his escape even though he will never be mine. His life is fulfilled apart from me. Mine needs to be the same.

This journey into who I am as a little/sub has revealed an incomprehensible amount of tapestry of my life. 

I'm just me 

Not giving one flying fuck 

Take me or leave me 

Because forever...

I am who I am

~ In search of truth ~

This lifestyle journey is so crazy to me. The craziest thing I have noticed is the emotional rollercoaster ride. 

I hate vulnerability. I hate feeling weak or needy or clingy. I hate the unpredictability that comes from some external force, i.e. Dom. I don't do holding onto things. I like clean breaks. Accept the inevitable and move on.

I don't like there's a person who knows me better than I do, who sees through all my BS, smiles, and know what to say to cut me down or build me up. 

When I b stepped back into this life, I just wanted to laugh and have fun. No strings attached. Found out some Doms are crazier than a soup sandwich on Ritalan but there were no strings and I was safe.

What I didn't expect was to learn the power of a Dom who was yet to know the extent of his on influence and take me a journey that would launch me into evolution of self.

Sure there are days we want to strangle each other. But he lays every corner bare, and I think I do the same to him.

This is something I'm not used to.

Not used to at all....

In Search of Truth

Today is being a day. Guy I was involved with gave me cruel reality of my personality. I was told that I was weak. The thought of that has wrapped itself around my being the entirety of my day. I began questioning me, my thoughts, my actions, my reality... Until I was at work. 

I was exhausted when I got to work. I didn't want to deal with anyone. As a matter of fact, I turned my head when everything started, hoping it would stop on its own. My heart was beyond heavy from being torn into.

A child that I don't even work with began screaming uncontrollably. Actually 3 did. The person over them couldn't handle any of it. One was forced to be outside for their own safety measures and started screaming because they were highly sensitive to sunlight. I wrapped that child up in my shadow to protect him from the sun while covering another's ears because he couldn't handle loud noises. Another I held for 20 minutes to calm him. Keep in mind I have other clients and had to take time from them to help the others. I had to handle 2 adults jobs and gain the trust of kids in a matter of minutes.

That's where my strength lies.

Up until this point, I was placing my self worth in the hands of another. He sometimes knew my personality more than I did. Today I realized that, while I love this Dom fiercely, he was wrong. 

Only I determine my self worth, whether I am strong or weak, and if I'm good enough.

But for once, I wish I could really feel what it is like to be treated like a sub/ little...what it feels like to actually be dominated. 

This blog is dedicated to my journey into the lifestyle. I am realizing today that just because I don't fit some Doms' expectations, doesn't mean I'm not good enough. 

In Search of Truth

Finding out bdsm is no different than a vanilla lifestyle. BDSM is a figment of the imagination. There are nice rules and all but Doms don't adhere to rules. Fun to play with bdsm but not live in it. Doms don't handle business. 

This was nothing like I thought it was...a complete waste of a year of my life

Should have stayed playing around rather than getting involved. Way more fun to play

Ever been around a person who couldn't sit still? 

If you ever worked with or babysat... You already know the feeling. It's irritating and nerve-wracking because you never know when they will up and go...

I recently realized there are people... Grown ass folk who can't sit still. They tell you, trust me, I got your back. For a while they actually do but later you look up and like a tree leaf blowing in the wind.... They are gone. They are laying in foliage dying.

I found that sometimes we as the tree are giving our life source to a dying leaf, trying to hold on to and revive a leaf. Leaves are meant to be there for a season and move on. Let them go. 

I'm letting my dying leaf go.

Our season has changed and ended.

🍸🍸Forever Advancing 🍸🍸

Today was today. 

Have you ever met someone and thought they were perfect. I did. 

I'm an only girl. In my immediate family I'm the only girl. In my extended family (cousins), I'm the only girl in my age range. Wasn't allowed to have many girls as friends either.

All I ever wanted was a sister. 

My bro got married. I had a sister. 

Covid came....I lost my sister.

Funny thing is... She sacrificed herself to help save my bro. She quarantined but didn't get to hospital in time because she was trying to save her family and get them there first. A week later, we were burying my only sister and my life would be completely and utterly destroyed. 

I keep finding out so much with this lifestyle. My Dom stepped up major. Seriously didn't think he could. It was his pure domination that kept me going. Fully strong, gentle domination. I needed guidance, he gave it to me. I needed love and care, he gave it to me.

It's funny because I'm super independent and it kills me to actually need someone but this time I really did. So glad it was him who was there for me. 

I found this ability to submit. There was a kind of peace in submitting to him. I didn't have to think and could just let go and let everything be. I found a whole new side to me and him... Found I could trust a little bit.

Life is crazy and unpredictable. Covid makes it even more unpredictable ... But getting through it with someone else domination? Had a mind blowing week.

So....

I've spent 2 weeks watching a whole family fight off Covid Delta variant. It's one thing to watch one family member... But 3? My energy is spent. I went through this only to be told by my own blood that this was none of my business & I need to mind my own business. But it would have been the whole family's business if he died just feet away from the hospital lying in the rain. Yes, this almost happened. So all of my emotions that are all over the place were pinned up and blocked.

But I'm still rather new to this lifestyle. The one thing that helped me through this crazy moment was domination. It blew my mind to have a Dom's dominance help release any and all pint up emotions.  I seriously don't understand how or why dominance could do this. I didn't think I really had that emotional connection with the person. Maybe I did and he didn't. I don't know but it was mind-blowing to experience.

I probably will never get to experience that again but I'm happy I got to experience that moment. Seriously thinking about leaving the lifestyle since I can't get what I want fully. Done trying. But that moment of perfection domination was amazing.

Just thinking out loud 🤔

❤️ In Search of Truth ❤️

And 

Seriously not giving a flying fuck about anyone else 

         🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

I need advice.

How do you spot fake Doms? 

I think I just wasted a year of my life on one but don't know how I got swept up in his deceit.

I know I'm a bit bratty but hell I tried. I began to wonder if he knew what he was doing. he would flipflop a lot. 

What should I look for that I obviously missed with this guy? I did something wrong. I know forgiving him too much was wrong. I know a couple of things I did wrong.

I get I'm a sub and humiliation is just part of this but how far is too far? How much is too much?  

The best therapy for a female is a cute hairstyle, flawless makeover, and a sexy as hell 5" pair of stilettos in red of course!

Then to slide on that form fitting dress over sexy lingerie....is heavenly. 

Think I'm going to prefer dating around, having fun, and meeting ppl. 

~Don’t take life too seriously! Nobody gets out alive anyway. Smile. Be goofy. Take chances. Have fun. Inspire.~

― Dawn Gluskin 

Just thinking Aloud

~In Search of Truth~

I officially give up on trying to understand this lifestyle. It's too confusing and fully unfair. It's overly dramatic which is making me bored.

I stayed off of Cage so I could keep peace with my Dom. This was my choice not his but things just didn't work out for us.  I hate being second to others. 

Now, I have so many questions. 

Why is there a separate set of rules for the Dom and the Sub? If a Dom isn't feeling dominant, then it's ok. Even though he isn't doing his job, it's ok. WTF? & If u try to make him feel dominant or push him/her, then u r wrong... And this can end up going in a million different ways from a punishment for irritating him all the way up to the most severe action of being dismissed.

(Again! WTF?)

On the opposite side, if a submissive isn't feeling submissive, it's wrong. Wrong? If she/he is being hurt by personal things that are affecting her/his mindset, then she/he should suck it up, do whatever task, handle her/his own pain and figure out a way to be submissive! (Really? Again!  WTF? )

But why can't that be for both sides? Each of you suck it up and do your job then? Why is it the sub's fault if she/he isn't in a submissive mindset but not the Dom's fault if they aren't feeling dominant?

This is a double standard. In my opinion, it's wrong. Sorry if this is offensive, but it's a jackass way to do things. Both should try to help the other get into the proper mindset or back off until the time is right. 

The thing is, I've grown in this lifestyle. I just don't understand it and tbh there's no one to talk to or ask questions. So now I'm frustrated. Don't know where to go from here but what I do know is that I absolutely can't do double standards. That's a hard limit for me now. I would punch a Dom over this. Hell, I would punch any dude over this. 

Just Thinking Out Aloud

     😑 ---needing to punch somebody--- 😑

~In Search of Truth~