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A moment and then another

I only exist in the space of the other. My strength, my joy, my love - We are the moments we share.

I have no title, no absolutes, no fixed adornment. I am not submissive in the sense that it is in me and absent in another. I am what I am at the time that I am. I am submissive to all and to no one. I submit to the world in complete faith of its wisdom, acceptance, love and deliverance.

I cannot be defined in absolutes but can be labelled with qualifiers just for common understanding and no more - ever disrupting, ever changing, ever subsiding, ever becoming.

I grow into another and another. Or is it that I strip down to become less and less.
1 week ago. November 16, 2022 at 11:11 PM

The bliss of struggle comes with my unravelling after being bound so tight. There's a point of, "fuck it, give it to me, do whatever". The release. 

 

Today is that day for me and I will savour the beautiful taste of nothingness. My attention is with sensation and the moment. Unravelled and a taste of freedom.

 

1 week ago. November 15, 2022 at 12:58 AM

Doolittle, a favourite album and is speaking my feelings.

I feel the surrender and the excitement of knowing nothing.

 

2 weeks ago. November 12, 2022 at 7:27 PM

Good morning gorgeous humans. Another beautiful day.

 

It's often said, "it's in the eyes". I have noticed lately sometimes I catch the gaze of another, a gaze that looks beyond my surface into my eyes. A curious gaze, one that is trying to see what it is that captures their attention. It's freedom.

I look free

I feel free

Some look with awe

Some look with sorrow and aching desire

 

And others have no clue what they see. They think they can possess it.

 

I know how to see into their eyes and see of they see like me.

 

2 weeks ago. November 10, 2022 at 8:56 AM

I'm surprisingly happy and excited about being denied what I craved.

For the first time in ages I developed a crush and for a while I've been sitting with it, admiring, dreaming and building up the courage to ask her out. I did today. And she said she has a partner. But I'm so happy - I did it, I was courageous and vulnerable. A little disappointed but so proud to try and then feel so free. Free because I have my answer and there is no doubt in my mind now, that it is a beautiful road not travelled. A dream, a possibility unrealised. And so I move on, dancing my way on.

But I must tell you, how incredibly turned on I am - being denied the fulfilment of my lust. I am now turning to animal insatiability. "No" makes me ravenous and want to be ravaged. So I relish rather than resent. I dwell, with passion and wickedness, in the desire of denial. Paradise Circus.

2 weeks ago. November 9, 2022 at 11:07 PM

I have a new calm. One where I don't rush, I'm not do impulsive and I don't run away from my own discomfort.

I'm looking out the window at life with open eyes, with possibility and enthusiasm. Still not certain but I'm clear.

A little less fear for the unknown. Titillation. That liminal space of dreaming while awake.

 

2 weeks ago. November 8, 2022 at 2:02 AM

This conversation is so very familiar and such a heartfelt performance 💖 

2 weeks ago. November 6, 2022 at 8:46 PM

To see myself with eyes that won't close

To walk naked and exposed, hanging ever on a cliff

To fall down again in the dirt, make sure everyone is looking

Oh the joys of being humbled

But I wouldn't have it any other way

Because I'm a flower

What I do best is rest in darkness and grow in sunlight

 

3 weeks ago. November 4, 2022 at 8:38 PM

Orgasms carry new meaning for me now, almost as if they are sacred. For me, they now feel like a spiritual endeavour. Because they are His. 

I know only through feeling. Internally. Sometimes I feel there is an ocean in me. I just know.

3 weeks ago. November 2, 2022 at 9:01 PM

At the beginning of this year I was an absolute mess.

I'm still a mess but a healthy, happy and proud mess.

Thanks x

3 weeks ago. October 31, 2022 at 7:48 PM

I feel constantly pulled between breaking and putting myself back together.

I need to be broken, taken lower, but cannot give in to complacency or apathy.

Fear of abandonment?

No. Fear of being with my self. Of what I might do and say. How I might hurt myself. She can be so fucking crazy.

She's so hurt, so lost, so neglected. I abandoned myself. But I don't know What to do now.

The frustrating limits of my mind. When logic, the logic I know, is flawed. I hope to let go. Trying is no good. Try till I break. But it's all I can do when letting go and self compassion are so foreign to me.

I guess this is learning how to be the anti-hero. I really don't know anything.