After letting so many wrong ones in, it's so hard to let anyone in.
I didn't know anything about intruders.
Ripped open, I see them now. But I'm a little shell shocked.
However, those wounds turn to gold.
I let the right one in.
Now it's just time to believe it and feel it entirely.
I burst with admiration for these two women
Who keep their heart open
And are unapologetically so themself
Two stories that are my inspiration
It's so nice when I am not centre stage
But I am in my mind
Without the need to put myself in front,
On display for others,
Content in the background
Quietly feeding my soul
With you
At the alter
Why do I still care?
When I so desperately want to let go of other's opinions, judgements, jokes
Why can't I let it go?
How do I let it go when it always feels like I'm right back in the same place, doing the same thing -
Caring
Worrying
Crying
I'm always so angry with myself for trying and failing, for letting myself hurt, for trying to take advice or fix me
The last thing I need is advice
Always trying, trying, trying
I need me to stop being so mean to myself
But I don't know how
I don't know how to love myself the way I need to be loved
And I don't know how to filter what I care and don't want to care about.
I don't know much and I feel so much
I feel crazy
Please don't tell me to "let it go". It's all so very easy to say but very frustrating when I feel stuck, which is often.
A year ago
an anniversary that keeps repeating
Remember this Jack?!
What love is to me...
Words that mean other words
Love is no words
And all feeling
Love is the sunshine on my back,
The rain on my skin,
The breeze kissing my forehead.
Love is a hand held,
A whispered smile,
Tears falling on my legs and
It is a soundless scream.
Love is the scratches on my skin,
The itch of grass or
The bruise from a fall.
It is the roadmap written on my body,
The scars of my suffering and
It is the crying birthed from so much beauty.
Love is my heart bursting and
Choking me with a thousand silent tears.
How do I surrender with each new day?
Gradually
With the things I love
Rituals that ease me into the day
With a smile
Some effort
And a little reframing
Appreciating what I see, what is present
What makes me smile?
A smile from the heart
A hug just because: I love you, I need you, I want you
A thank you for being you
Showing up
Playing
Completing tasks and challenges
New and exciting experiences
Being naughty/cheeky
Seeing myself so beautifully broken
Blooming
Seeing others bloom
When I feel truth
When I surrender
When I'm clear
My stumbling experience, a collection
Of dark night, bright lights, broken dreams and sweet desire
Layed out bare to scavenge, ponder, release and grieve
Trying ever so hard to be light,
Until I sink and drown in my own weighted mind
To fall restlessly into darkness,
Only to find what I'm so fearful of, my greatest power and beauty -
To my Dark Heart, ever deeper surrender.
Is this KO yet? I thought I had died but there's always more dying to do, right!?
Oh God!
The headache eases
The grip on my chest not so tight
Breathe easy now.
A little frivolity (Fuck it!) is the lightness I need now.
It's a deep contentment
Where I'm exhausted and can feel it entirely in body and mind
Spent with utter satisfaction
Knowing I put my all in
For a peace of heavenly silence
Reeping what I sow - so sweet
The mountains
We climb
Every morning
Every morning
Mountains to climb
Climb the mountain,
Dance with silence
