A moment and then another

I had a moment of doubt.

My life increasingly got heavier this last year, all with good things, but still with expectation stacked on top of the pursuit of ‘more’, better’, ‘growth’ and ‘not enough’.

And then a thought, a feeling of neglect, for the One who cherishes me, takes care of me, walks with me, holds my hand, is so steady and patient, inspires grace and does so with a word, a whisper, a gesture.

Is it enough?

Am I doing enough?

Yes and no.

I wrote it down, what we do. And it’s all so subtle and organic, built over time. That I needed reminding.

And in simple gestures, thoughts and actions, it’s there in focus, spaces reclaimed and made sacred. Just a little more careful attention and intention. Not drastic.

More pauses in the music, an adjusting of tempo and harmony.

Such beauty, so soothing and so grateful.

Wonderstruck ✨🖤🤍

Something beyond comprehension came and took over me. I know it happened, I know when it happened, I know how it happened. The remnants of it still remain, and yet, I cannot recall it or explain it, not in in any way that shows how it was, why it was or how it can even be. It apparently only existed in my mind but then didn’t – it was a timeless (or timely), universal thing of complete connection, complete submission, complete transcendence. Not hours, not days, but months of pure pain and bliss – automaton and acceptance, love and light, armour and silver hearts to guide the way, walking in a dream of wonder. Still wondering.

I know it’s a blessing few experience.

It came from the darkest depths of my life, swallowed and washed me clean. I asked for it without knowing; it came like the ocean, building for a lifetime and crashing down on me in an instant with continued ebbs and flows, taking me down – drowning – and then lifting me up – floating.

Music is what speaks of it. I hear it there. I know other’s experience of it in music. That’s how I best remember.

And my journal.

I miss the euphoria, the complete abandonment, the depth of letting go into complete trust of the universe, the knowing.

I made art, I wrote, I was found, I promised myself to make so much space so it would stay, right there, all around me, this other way of being – me, walking in both worlds always. But it faded with the tipping of the scales. When the time came to do what I needed to and rise to the challenges of everyday. This is where I am, in the everyday, mostly mundane, tame, getting stronger, proud.

There’s a pause, a moment to catch my breath, regroup and reflect. The longing is fervent and nostalgia creeps in. I want to escape, be taken over, but my duties remain and so must I. For now.

But I must not be wanting; I will take solace in the minute, the simple, and the everyday wonder.

Remember.

“Not everyone is lucky enough to understand how delicious it is to suffer.”

“Only the really plain people know about love – the very fascinating ones try so hard to create an impression that they soon exhaust their talents.”

-              Katharine Hepburn

When I just am

And words are so beyond me

I’m still here

I don’t know how to say

How much I love you

When words cannot express

The depth of feeling

Consumed by the incomprehensible

I ache for expression

And yet, the expression

Is only in what cannot be expressed;

It is what is known

Without saying

I just am

Yours

And we are

Something to behold

Something that is known and unknown

A wonder

That doesn’t fade

It breathes

Grows

Flourishes

In soft, dappled light

Morning dew

And unspoken silence

✨

I am lost in a good way

My silence speaks volumes of my actions

And the words I don't speak are like prayer coursing through my veins

Absence here indicating my presence elsewhere

Living, doing, being, closer

To my dreams

To my self

To the Ocean

Things I can be proud of, that stay deep in my belly

And those other voices being banished to a quieter, less consuming, whisper

The birds are calling and I can hear them so clear today

An exhale with such relief

I did it!

I found my way back to a place I remember

A place that was shown to me

I feel it in my bones

The beauty 

Such relief to feel it again

Words cannot describe

Babylon

Paris

Dawn

Home

You're doing it right

And truth becomes you

Stick to the plan

Keep going

And stay silent

Till it's time to speak

Perhaps I need to remember that every time I feel anger toward my mother, it is really grief, and for all her ignorant words, I am learning to be evermore present and understanding with my own dear ones.

I don't need her understanding or approval.

I see myself beautiful, brave and honest.

It's time to put it to rest.

.... "been trying to meet you"

It's a thing with me, song lyrics always playing in my head. And Pixies are a love of mine ❤️ 

It's been a long while since I said "hey". I've been doing life. I have a lot to say but also not.

I'm enjoying the quiet slowness of my Saturday morning with this music massage for my mind...

Enjoy ✌️

After letting so many wrong ones in, it's so hard to let anyone in.

I didn't know anything about intruders.

Ripped open, I see them now. But I'm a little shell shocked.

However, those wounds turn to gold.

I let the right one in.

Now it's just time to believe it and feel it entirely.

I burst with admiration for these two women

Who keep their heart open

And are unapologetically so themself

Two stories that are my inspiration