It's so nice when I am not centre stage
But I am in my mind
Without the need to put myself in front,
On display for others,
Content in the background
Quietly feeding my soul
With you
At the alter
Why do I still care?
When I so desperately want to let go of other's opinions, judgements, jokes
Why can't I let it go?
How do I let it go when it always feels like I'm right back in the same place, doing the same thing -
Caring
Worrying
Crying
I'm always so angry with myself for trying and failing, for letting myself hurt, for trying to take advice or fix me
The last thing I need is advice
Always trying, trying, trying
I need me to stop being so mean to myself
But I don't know how
I don't know how to love myself the way I need to be loved
And I don't know how to filter what I care and don't want to care about.
I don't know much and I feel so much
I feel crazy
Please don't tell me to "let it go". It's all so very easy to say but very frustrating when I feel stuck, which is often.
A year ago
an anniversary that keeps repeating
Remember this Jack?!
What love is to me...
Words that mean other words
Love is no words
And all feeling
Love is the sunshine on my back,
The rain on my skin,
The breeze kissing my forehead.
Love is a hand held,
A whispered smile,
Tears falling on my legs and
It is a soundless scream.
Love is the scratches on my skin,
The itch of grass or
The bruise from a fall.
It is the roadmap written on my body,
The scars of my suffering and
It is the crying birthed from so much beauty.
Love is my heart bursting and
Choking me with a thousand silent tears.
My stumbling experience, a collection
Of dark night, bright lights, broken dreams and sweet desire
Layed out bare to scavenge, ponder, release and grieve
Trying ever so hard to be light,
Until I sink and drown in my own weighted mind
To fall restlessly into darkness,
Only to find what I'm so fearful of, my greatest power and beauty -
To my Dark Heart, ever deeper surrender.
Is this KO yet? I thought I had died but there's always more dying to do, right!?
Oh God!
The headache eases
The grip on my chest not so tight
Breathe easy now.
A little frivolity (Fuck it!) is the lightness I need now.
It's a deep contentment
Where I'm exhausted and can feel it entirely in body and mind
Spent with utter satisfaction
Knowing I put my all in
For a peace of heavenly silence
Reeping what I sow - so sweet
The mountains
We climb
Every morning
Every morning
Mountains to climb
Climb the mountain,
Dance with silence
I had an X written on my coffee lid this morning. It made me feel special because someone sent me a kiss. Then I realised I'd ordered an extra shot. Still, I choose to believe it's a ?.
Sending lots of kisses right back at ya! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
God, let me be easy today.
