The Hidden slave

Hello Everyone, I know I have not posted in a while. Life has gotten in the way, which is actually the reason for this post. I lead a pretty crazy life with a lot of stress and responsibility involved with it, as I know most of us to do. When I find myself overwhelmed and stressed, I also find myself struggling to keep my right mindset. I find myself not following protocols and rules as I should. I can feel the mindset shifting, and when this happens, I also find myself getting lost due to losing that connection with my slave mindset. It is a funny thing our mindset; I don't think some realize how much we are connected to it until it starts to shift. 

For me, when it does start to shift, I start to question everything, Am I enough? Why can't I handle everything? What am I doing wrong? I am letting my Master down. I am not meeting His needs. Am I a good slave? I am an overthinker due to my psychology background, which makes everything worse because then I start to analyze each of those questions in depth. I also don't want anyone to know I am struggling because I always want to appear strong and pulled together. Yes, this is something I am working on fixing. However, this causes even more issues due to the fact I am not reaching out for help. 

My question to all of you is; have you ever experienced this, the losing connection with the lifestyle mindset, and how do you deal with this? I ask this because I am hoping that I am not the only one who experiences this, and I am trying to be open about how I am feeling to help others may be and learn more strategies from others. 

"There are over 7 Billion people in the world. 7 Billion, the odds of our paths crossing were less than one percent. Even though the odds were against us and not in our favor, our paths still crossed. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wonder how I got so lucky that our paths did cross, how I got so lucky that you are in my life. I love every single thing about you. There is not a day that will ever pass that I will love you any less because I am beyond grateful that with 7 billion people out there, that you were the one that I ended up with. That you were the one that my path crossed with." - Anonymous

I recently had a conversation that has had me reflecting on myself, both in this lifestyle and out of it. If you follow my blog, you will know that I am an owned slave in a Poly Dynamic. The conversation I had was about my deep need, desire to fill all of the needs I can for my Master. Which yes, I know it's not possible due to outside circumstances. However, the need and desire are still there. I also know that it is a natural desire for most subs/slaves. It is in our core, who we are. It was put into perspective for me; I will bring something to the dynamic that no other sub/slave can bring, and there are going to be other sub/slaves that bring something to the dynamic that I can not bring. What I was struggling with before this conversation is being ok with this and embracing it. Knowing that I will always have this desire, need, want but also supporting and enjoying the fact that all His needs are being met no matter who is meeting those needs. 

The reason I share this is to say every sub/slave is different; from the beginning of time, there has never been a sub/slave that has been the same. Embrace that. It is a compelling and powerful concept. Knowing that even if you don't see it, there are plenty of things that you do, are, or share unique to you that no one can duplicate. You are enough. Trust your heart. Know your power. 

I have had many conversations with my Master about another sub/slave He had been talking to and a reoccurring situation seems to come up often. When he mentions Poly Dynamics, many times, the sub/slave has informed Him that they had been a part of a Poly dynamic, but it ended in disaster. The disaster most of the time being that they became invisible in the dynamic and were pushed out. I have been putting a lot of thought into the issue. Why and how does someone start to feel like they are invisible and being pushed out of the dynamic?

I am sure there are many factors, and all are different for each dynamic. A few common causes could be a lack of mutual respect, lack of communication between all parties involved, and a basic foundation not being established when the dynamic starts. 

In my current dynamic, we are a closed poly dynamic. He will start talking to a sub/slave and start to build rapport and learn about her. He is always open that He owns a slave, and we are Poly. Once they have talked for a while, and He knows that the sub/slave could be a good fit, He will introduce her to me. That is when she and I will start building rapport and a connection. This is the time that is crucial, in my opinion, to start building that foundation of how the dynamic will work. This is when she and I need to have mutual respect, knowing that each of us will bring something different to the dynamic. 

This is the time that is rushed in many dynamics and could lead to someone feeling they will become invisible or pushed out. We always stress that there is not a hierarchy in the dynamic. She and I are equal. Yes, I have been with Him for 4 years, which means that I know His wants, needs, and likes. There are going to be things that I know that she will eventually learn. I think this is true for many Poly dynamics. 

Communication is also key. Sooooo much talking is needed. Suppose you think you have communicated enough; you probably haven't. Communication needs to happen between all parties. Sometimes with all of you, sometimes one on one, sub and sub, sub and Master, all the combinations you can think of. Everyone needs to be on the same page. This may lead to a difference of opinions, which is where respect needs to come in. In my dynamic, I look to my Master for guidance when there is a difference of opinions. This is the Master/Dom's job to take all the communications, needs and wants, and lead the Dynamic in a safe way for all. 

A Poly dynamic also takes a solid Dom/Master. This takes a lot of experience on the Master/Dom's part. He is now responsible for the overall well-being of more than one sub/slave. He has to set the dynamic up correctly from the beginning to ensure that it is what everyone needs. This takes time, a lot of time. I think many who enter a Poly dynamic do not understand how much time it takes. 

Please feel free to share your opinions. I am very interested in hearing other opinions on why someone's feeling they are becoming invisible or being pushed out of a dynamic could happen. 

I wanted to get people's opinions on this situation. Small backstory. Since I have been in the lifestyle for some time now, I have taken it upon myself to mentor and help guide anyone who asks for help. I know as a slave, I should not be mentoring Doms. However, I don't mind giving my opinion and/or advice when asked. 

I know a Dom who is new to the lifestyle. I don't believe he is ever going to mentor to become a Master or live a 24/7 lifestyle. However, he is willing to learn. He is married, his wife is not part of the lifestyle and he has a sub, who both the sub and wife know about each other. 

He came to me with this situation and asked why and how he failed. The situation was...

His wife came to him and wanted to meet his sub and see what they did together, scenes, he went to his sub and she agreed. They were all together and he was doing some light impact. His wife asked if she could spank the sub with the paddle. Without asking his sub and they had not previously discussed if the wife would be involved beyond watching, he said yes, handed his wife the paddle and the wife give a few light smacks to the subs butt. The sub did not stop the scene at the time it happened and went along with it. However, once the wife had left and during aftercare, the sub expressed she was not happy with him and that he had crossed a line. He did not understand what had gone so wrong because everyone appeared to be enjoying themselves at the time. 

I spoke to the sub and him about the situation. I did not speak to the wife. I explained to him that he lost sight of everyone's needs, not only his wife's needs and wants but his sub's needs and wants. In a poly dynamic, those can never be lost sight of. In my opinion, what needed to happen was he and the sub needed to sit down and discuss everything and possibilities that could happen and find out where that line was, what she was willing to do, and what her limits were. If this had been done, he would have known that one of her limits was impact with other people, she also was not comfortable being topped by someone she did not know and specifically a female. His wife's needs and wants were met but not the subs. 

The reason I am bringing this up in a blog is not only to get other's opinions but also I believe that people who are new to this lifestyle can learn from this situation and not let it happen in their dynamics. Please let me know what you think and your opinion. 

Let's talk collars.... Since my last post. I have had a few people ask; what about your collar? How are you collared, but can not be open with it at work? Before I answer those questions, I should talk quickly about my viewpoint and beliefs on collars; that way, my answers will make much more sense. 

First, with this new age in the lifestyle, many people have lost a collars true meaning. THEY ARE NOT AN ACCESSORY!! I see so many girls, women wearing collars, and when I ask them what it means to them, one of the most common answers is; it is pretty, it is cute, I wear it when we are playing. All the above answers make me twitch a little. 

In my opinion, there is no stronger bond than what a collar brings. It holds a deeper meaning than a wedding ring. It is not an accessory. A collar is not something that should be taken lightly. It is more than just wearing it to show the world you are his; it is the feeling of it rubbing on your skin that reminds you that even though your Master may not be right in front of you, He is always with you. It is knowing that you are protected, cherished, loved, wanted, desirable; you are HIS always and forever. I will never forget the moment of kneeling in front of my Master and Him placing the collar on me. My breath was taken away; my walls were completely down, my heart was filled, I was HIS, I was finally finding my peace and happiness. 

Now, to answer the questions. I know there are many people in my situation, so maybe this can help someone. No, I can not wear my collar at work. Too many questions are asked. There were many late-night discussions on what we should do. Once I had that collar on me, I knew I could not be without it. So, when I am at work, the collar is placed in a black velvet bag that is always on me, either in my pocket, in my purse within arm's reach, or on my desk. I still feel connected with it and with my Master, even though it is not on my neck. As soon as I leave work, I will put the collar back on. I know this is where some people will struggle with this concept because, yes, I do place my collar on myself every day. However, the calm and peace that I feel as soon as it is on are indescribable. I do not believe my connection with my collar is lessened because I can not wear it during the day. It almost makes it stronger in a way. 

Yes, I do have two collars. I have a less formal day collar, and I can wear it when I am not in a work setting. I also have a more formal collar that I wear. This was the collar that I was first collared with. 

My best advice is to think they want a collar and think it is ok to buy themselves a collar. Please don't do it. Please wait for that moment where everything is right, and the right person gives it to you. Yes, this takes time. They should not be given out freely and without thought. Once it is earned and belongs on your neck, that connection you will have with it means so much more. A collar is a life commitment. Your always and forever. Don't take that for granted. 

Some people don’t understand how someone can live a vanilla life and a BDSM life, all at the same time. This has been a topic of conversation that has come up a lot with me. I find this question or conversation comes up mostly with the new people in the lifestyle.

“How can you do what you do (work) and still be a slave?”

Well let me explain. It can be summed up with one word....Freedom. Which may seem like a contradiction. If you think of it in terms of how freeing it is to let go, it is easier to understand. Yes, I lead a very professional life, where I must maintain a leadership role. I have a staff that I guide, make many on the spot decisions and I have to be on point at all times while I’m at work.

The second I leave work. I let that all go. I have a routine built in place to help me let that go. It starts with a simple text telling my Master “I am headed home”. Once I am at home I can let the worries of work stay at work and I can free myself to embrace my slave. The side I have been hiding all day. That in itself is freeing. Letting go and relaxing.

When not at work I have routine and structures in place, in my dynamic, that allow me to be me. No matter where I am at or what I am doing, the strength of the house guides me. I am always the reflection of my Master, regardless if people know that or not.

The moral of the story is don’t ever be afraid to be you. No matter who or what that is. Be true to yourself. Be true to your inner self, your inner core. You may not always be able to be open about your true self, but that does not change who you are.