Nirvana

Growing up in a world that constantly tries to define what’s acceptable in relationships has made me question myself more times than I can count. From a young age, I’ve always been drawn to older men—men significantly older than me. For the longest time, I struggled with this preference, wondering if something was wrong with me, if I was chasing something deeper than just attraction, or if I was setting myself up for judgment and misunderstanding.

It wasn’t until recently that I truly started to accept it for what it is. I prefer older men not because of their age but because of the qualities they embody—maturity, emotional intelligence, stability, and self-awareness. Those are characteristics that naturally come with experience, and experience often comes with age. But that understanding hasn’t made things any easier.

Last week, I had a conversation with my vanilla friends, and we were all talking about our current love interests. When I mentioned a man I was speaking to and revealed his age- 10+ years older than me—I was immediately met with criticism. They bashed me for my continuous interest in older men as if I had committed some kind of social crime. I tried to explain myself, to articulate that it wasn’t just about the number but about the way these men carried themselves—their maturity, their sense of purpose, the way they had already built and established their lives. But they wouldn’t hear me out. Eventually, I left the conversation feeling drained and misunderstood.

But later, as I sat with my thoughts, I realized something: I wasn’t the one who needed to change.

For me, attraction isn’t just about an older man’s age—it’s about the qualities he possesses. A man in his thirties or forties has likely experienced life in ways that have shaped him into someone with depth, wisdom, and an understanding of himself and the world. He’s had time to develop emotional intelligence, to learn from his mistakes, and to build a foundation of stability—qualities that I deeply admire and desire in a partner.

This isn’t to say that younger men can’t embody these traits, but the reality is that many men in my age range—early twenties—haven’t yet reached that level of self-awareness or maturity. They’re still figuring life out, still moving through the motions of youthful uncertainty. And while that’s perfectly valid, it’s simply not what I want for myself. I want a man who already knows what he wants, who has invested in himself emotionally, intellectually, and financially, the same way I have.

If I were to meet a man my age who possessed these same characteristics, I wouldn’t be put off by his age. But the truth is, those traits are far more common in older men because they’ve had more time to develop them.

There’s also a scientific aspect to this. Studies have shown that women mature faster than men—emotionally, mentally, and even neurologically. At any given age, a woman is often several years ahead of a male counterpart in terms of emotional intelligence, decision-making skills, and long-term thinking. This plays a significant role in why I can’t bring myself to submit to a man who lacks these qualities. Submission, for me, is deeply tied to trust and respect. I can’t submit to someone who hasn’t proven that they are capable of leading, guiding, and making sound decisions—not just for themselves but for us as a unit. If I’m going to place my trust in someone, I need to know they are equipped to handle that responsibility, and for me, that sense of security is something I’ve predominantly found in older men.

I understand why people have reservations about age-gap relationships. Concerns about power imbalances, differing life stages, or emotional dependency are real issues that deserve discussion. But the assumption that every age-gap relationship is inherently problematic is flawed. The key difference lies in choice and agency—am I being controlled, or am I consciously choosing what aligns with my needs? For me, it’s the latter. I seek partners who complement me, not control me. The issue isn’t age; it’s the presence (or absence) of mutual respect, emotional intelligence, and autonomy.

Shaming people for their preferences doesn’t protect anyone—it only pushes them to suppress their desires instead of exploring them safely and mindfully. Discussions about relationships should be centered around autonomy and well-being, not policing personal preferences through judgment.

This ties into my daddy kink as well. It’s not about wanting a "father figure" in the traditional sense. My attraction to the nurturing and guiding dynamic of a daddy dom stems from the same place as my attraction to older men—it’s about stability, reassurance, and the ability to let go and trust.

I’ve had to be strong and independent for most of my life, and while I take pride in that, I also crave the space to be soft, to be cared for, to be vulnerable. A daddy dom, to me, represents a protector and a mentor—someone who doesn’t just demand submission but nurtures it, encourages growth, and provides a sense of emotional safety.

So when people assume my attraction to older men is solely about their age or that it stems from "daddy issues," they fail to see the bigger picture. My preference isn’t about age—it’s about qualities. The same qualities that make a good daddy dom are the ones that draw me to older men: patience, wisdom, emotional intelligence, and stability.

I used to feel guilty for my preferences, constantly questioning if I was wrong for wanting something that society didn’t deem "normal." But I’ve come to realize that I don’t need to justify my desires to anyone. The world loves to put people in boxes, to tell them what they should want, who they should be with, and how they should live. But at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is what makes me feel safe, fulfilled, and happy.

It’s easy to get caught up in external judgment, but I’ve learned that self-acceptance is far more important. I refuse to suppress what feels right for me just because it makes others uncomfortable. Instead of trying to force myself into relationships that don’t align with my needs, I’m embracing my truth—fully and unapologetically.

The truth is, we are all drawn to different things in relationships. Some people crave adventure, unpredictability, and high energy. I crave stability, wisdom, and a sense of security. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m broken or looking for someone to fill a void—it means I know what I want and refuse to apologize for it.

So, to anyone else who has ever felt judged for their preferences, I say this: You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You don’t have to shrink yourself to fit someone else’s idea of normal. Love what you love. Desire what you desire. And most importantly, embrace who you are without guilt or shame.

Because at the end of the day, the only person who has to live with your choices is you.

I used to hate silence. It was uncomfortable, heavy, almost suffocating. On phone calls, even the briefest pause would send me into a quiet panic. I would rush to fill the void, fearing that silence meant disinterest, awkwardness, or something unspoken lurking between the lines. Silence felt like absence—of connection, of security, of understanding.

But life has a way of forcing you to sit with the very things you try to escape. I found myself surrounded by silence, not just in phone calls but in moments where I once sought noise as a distraction. At first, it was unbearable. Silence wrapped itself around me, pressing in from all sides, and I wanted to run. But where would I go? How long could I keep avoiding it?

So, I stopped fighting it. I let silence sit with me. I let it settle in my bones, not as an intruder but as a companion. And as I did, something shifted. I used to be afraid of being alone. Silence felt heavy, and I thought loneliness meant something was missing. But now, I see it differently. When I’m alone, I hear my own thoughts clearly. I don’t have to pretend, to please, or to explain myself. I can just be. I can breathe, think, and grow without distraction.

Spending time alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely. It means I’m learning to enjoy my own company. It means I’m giving myself space to understand who I truly am. And the more I embrace solitude, the more I realize—I am enough.

Now, when the other end of the phone call goes quiet, I don’t panic. I don’t scramble for words or rush to fill the space. Instead, I let the silence ground me. I take a deep breath. I allow myself to breathe, to feel, to be silent. And in that moment, I am present—not lost in overthinking, not desperate to be heard, but simply existing in the quiet.

I used to think silence was emptiness, but now I see it as fullness. It’s the space where thoughts settle, where emotions surface, where I meet myself without the world’s noise interfering. Silence no longer scares me. It holds me, and I let it.

For as long as I can remember, my understanding of BDSM has been built on bits and pieces—reading fantasy books, hearing about other people’s experiences, and soaking up fragments of stories.

I’ve always had a vague, surface-level understanding of it—like knowing the general “yays” and “nays,” the do’s and don’ts. But these were just the basics, not the in-depth knowledge that could truly guide me through the world of BDSM in a safe, informed way. It’s like looking through a window, but never stepping inside to truly experience it for myself.

Looking back, I realize I put myself in a disadvantaged position by not fully comprehending the core elements of BDSM. There was a time when I allowed myself to be taken advantage of, simply because I didn’t know better.

For instance, it was only at a play party that I was introduced to the concept of negotiation when i witnessed and interaction between a Dom and his sub, and how they negotiated and went over safe words etc before the Dom began the play scene. Prior to that, I had never even heard of negotiating limits or discussing boundaries in-depth. In my past experiences, it was never something brought up by the Doms I was with, and I wasn’t aware of its importance. That moment made me realize how crucial these conversations are in any BDSM dynamic.

That realization has been a turning point for me. I knew then that I had to take control of my own learning and ensure that I never again found myself in a dynamic where the fundamental principles—like negotiation—were overlooked or where I was unaware of the basic mechanisms that make BDSM safe and consensual. I’m learning to empower myself to recognize these gaps and not accept anything less than a dynamic built on mutual respect, communication, and understanding.

So, I’m committing to learning about BDSM the right way—by studying it myself, from scratch. No more relying on bits of information from others; it’s time for me to become truly knowledgeable. I want to understand the core concepts of BDSM—not just from a surface level, but from the inside out. I’ll dive deep into consent, power exchange, negotiation, and the psychological aspects that make BDSM such a unique world. Most importantly, I want to be confident in my ability to engage safely and responsibly.

This journey isn’t just about satisfying my curiosity. It’s about gaining control, making informed decisions, and embracing the power that comes with true knowledge. I want to share this journey with you—every discovery, every challenge, and every breakthrough. I hope that by sharing what I learn, it might inspire someone else to take control of their own BDSM journey too.

So here is the break down of the syllabus I have put together for myself. If you think there is something I missed in my list that I should go over or even if it’s just a recommendations, suggestions or tips please free to leave it in the comments or private message me, they are more than welcome. 💕

 Week 1: Foundations & Communication  

History & Evolution of BDSM (Understanding where it all started)  

- Origins of BDSM and its cultural significance  

- How BDSM has evolved over time  

- Misconceptions and myths about BDSM  

- The role of media and fiction in shaping BDSM perceptions  

Communication in BDSM (Check-ins, negotiation, and setting boundaries)  

- Importance of open and honest communication  

- Different ways to communicate in a BDSM dynamic  

- How to have regular check-ins with a partner  

- Setting and respecting boundaries  

Week 2: Consent,Power Dynamics & Polyamory vs Monogamy

Consent & Negotiation (Covering SSC, RACK, PRICK, and enthusiastic consent)  

- Defining Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC)  

- Understanding Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)  

- Personal Responsibility in Consensual Kink (PRICK)  

- Enthusiastic consent vs. assumed consent  

- How to negotiate scenes and relationships  

Types of D/s Dynamics (Exploring different power exchange relationships)  

- Different types of dominants and submissives  

- Full-time vs. part-time dynamics  

- 24/7 lifestyle vs. bedroom-only dynamics  

- Service submission, brats, pets, and other roles  

Polyamory vs. Monogamy in BDSM

- How polyamory works in kink and BDSM

- Dynamics within polyamorous relationships in the context of BDSM

- Communication and boundaries in polyamorous dynamics

- The role of submissives and dominants in polyamorous relationships

- Managing multiple power dynamics in a polyamorous setup

- Sister/Brother subs and how they work

- Polyamory vs. monogamy: differences and challenges in BDSM relationships

Week 3: Structure & Protocols  

Rules, Rituals, & Protocols (Understanding different levels of structure in dynamics)  

- What are protocols, and how do they work?  

- High-protocol vs. low-protocol relationships  

- Rituals for submissives and dominants  

- Creating rules that fit your dynamic  

 Punishments & Discipline (Exploring different methods and alternatives to punishment)  

- Difference between punishment and funishment  

- Types of discipline in BDSM  

- Alternative discipline methods (not involving pain)  

- Exploring your personal comfort level with punishment  

Week 4: Kinks, Types of Play & Toys

Understanding Kinks & Fetishes

- What is a kink vs. a fetish?

- Common kinks and their appeal

- Exploring your kinks safely

Types of Play in BDSM

- Sensory play (deprivation, stimulation, temperature, etc.)

- Impact play (spanking, flogging, caning, etc.)

- Bondage and restraint play (shibari, cuffs, spreader bars, etc.)

- Psychological play (CNC, fear play, mindfuck, etc.)

Incorporating Toys into BDSM Play

- How to choose the right toys for your play style

- Safe use of BDSM toys (gags, restraints, vibrators, etc.)

- Cleaning and maintaining toys 

Week 5: Psychological & Emotional AspectsSubmissive & Dominant Psychology (Mindsets, responsibilities, and expectations) 

Submissive & Dominant Psychology (Mindsets, responsibilities, and expectations)  

- Understanding the submissive mindset  

- Understanding the dominant mindset  

- The emotional highs and lows of power exchange  

- Responsibility in BDSM relationships  

Sadism & Masochism (Understanding the psychological and physical aspects)

- What it means to be a sadist or masochist

- The ethics of sadomasochism in BDSM

- How pain and pleasure interact

- Safe ways to explore S&M dynamics

Aftercare & Emotional Support (How to handle the emotional side of BDSM)  

- Why aftercare is important  

- Different types of aftercare (physical, emotional, psychological)  

- How to communicate your aftercare needs  

- How doms also need aftercare  

 Week 6: Exploration & Self-Discovery  

 Exploring Your Kinks & Limits (Figuring out what you actually enjoy)  

- How to identify your kinks and turn-ons  

- Soft vs. hard limits and how they can change  

- Ways to safely experiment with new kinks  

- How to use BDSM checklists and tests  

Building Healthy BDSM Relationships (Finding safe partners and red flags to avoid)  

- How to vet a potential BDSM partner  

- Recognizing red flags and unsafe dynamics  

- Finding community and mentors in BDSM  

- How to build a dynamic that works for you

I’m excited for this next chapter, and I can’t wait to dive deeper, one lesson at a time. 

Xoxo

N

"I want a Daddy/Sir" type of day. I did some big girl things today by making some good decisions for myself, and I'm really excited and proud of myself for doing so.

However....there us nothing more fufilling than showing my Dom the progress I am making for myself and i cant help but feel this deep longing.

I just wish I had a Daddy/Sir to share today with, I'm sure he would be so proud of me.

Anywho....they say patience is a virtue, so I'll be here keeping myself busy until we meet each other🤝🏽😊

Pain is cruel.

 It demands our full attention, hijacks our emotions, and convinces us that it will last forever. When you’re in the thick of it, nothing else exists but the ache. It consumes you, and no amount of pretending or distracting can truly make it disappear. But no matter how sharp, how unbearable, how unrelenting it may seem—pain is temporary.

I realized this after watching a TikTok of a little girl undergoing physiotherapy. She had braces on her legs, a disability that had kept her from walking. Her therapist was pushing her—firm, unrelenting, not budging despite her cries of agony. She had to walk. That was the only way forward. There was a ball just a few feet away, covered in sweets, but she had to reach it herself. He wouldn’t carry her. He wouldn’t ease her struggle. He only moved the goal slightly closer before standing his ground again.

And she cried. Loud, heart-wrenching sobs. But through that pain, through the trembling steps, through the sheer agony of the moment, she moved. She pushed forward despite every instinct telling her to stop. And in the end? She walked.

Watching her, I didn’t just see a struggling child—I saw life itself.

But before I go any further, I want to say this—pain doesn’t just hurt; it changes how we see the world.

Scientifically speaking, pain does more than just make us feel bad—it shuts down certain neural pathways in the brain. It attacks the core nervous system, making it harder to think rationally, process emotions, or even trust our own judgment.

 When you’re in pain, your brain is wired to focus on one thing only: Pain, it closes pathways to other thoughts and only brings up more painful events from your past. That’s why everything feels *heavier, more urgent, and more impossible to navigate.*

You question yourself. You question your reality. You replay situations, trying to make sense of things that, in a clearer state, might have been obvious. This isn’t a personal flaw—it’s simply how the brain reacts to pain. It convinces you that the pain will last forever, that nothing will ever feel okay again.

But here’s the truth: it will pass. And when it does, clarity will return.

I am going through the clarity of my own pain,I have asked myself that same question over and over. Will I ever trust again?

I’ve been betrayed. Lied to. Left to pick up pieces of something I thought was solid. I have sat with the weight of disbelief, trying to make sense of how someone could look me in the eye and not tell me the truth. I have tried to dissect every moment, every word, wondering where the lie began and if anything was ever real.

And in all of that, I started to try and build these walls around my heart, I wanted to protect myself, to ensure that I would never be put in this position again. But I’ve come to realize something:

There is nothing I can do to change another person’s intentions.

No amount of questions, no amount of precautions, no amount of walls will ever stop someone from lying if that is what they intended to do. If a person’s heart is good, it is good. If their heart is bad, it is bad. That has nothing to do with me. What I can control is how much I allow it to affect me. How much I let it shape me.

And that is what I am choosing to take from this.

I am choosing to believe that I will trust again.

I am choosing to believe that I will not let pain define me.

I am choosing to believe that I will not let someone else’s actions harden my heart.

Because no matter how bad a situation is, there is always something to walk away with. Always. You can take yourself out of a position of disadvantage and place yourself in an advantaged position just by what you learn from your pain. It won’t undo what happened, but it will make sure it wasn’t for nothing.

And one day, just like that little girl, I will look back on this moment—the heartbreak, the betrayal, the tears I thought would never stop falling—and I’ll realize that every step through the pain was worth it.

I can confidently say I am walking through this pain, and I am going to be okay. Each day I wake up it's easier. And that counts for something. 

Pain is unavoidable, but so is healing. This too shall pass.

And when it does, we will not just be whole again.

We will be stronger.

And if you’re in that place right now—where everything feels too heavy, where the pain is loud and relentless—I want you to remember this:

You are not broken.

You are not weak.

You are not alone.

Pain will tell you that it’s endless, that it owns you. But it doesn’t. It never has. And it never will. You are walking through it, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Step by step, day by day, even in the moments when you feel like you're standing still.

One day, you’ll look back and realize the weight you thought would crush you was actually the thing that made you unbreakable.

And when that day comes? You will smile, knowing that you survived what you once thought you never could.

You’ve got this.

Need... the raw, feral, sickening, go-crazy kind of need. She had never felt it before—not like this. She thought she had. Whenever she whispered that she needed him, she had believed it. But she had been naive, foolish even. Silly girl, she could almost hear him chuckle in her mind. She hadn't known what she was asking for.

He had known. He had seen it in her, the desperate ache she mistook for readiness. And because he knew her better than she knew herself, he had done nothing. Not yet. She wasn’t ready. And until she was, he would deny her everything. No matter how much she begged.

"Please, Daddy... I wa—need it so bad. Please..."

A smirk. A step away. The quiet, unspoken no.

And she was left there—laid bare, spread wide, open in every sense except the one that mattered most. Her body was ready. But she wasn’t naked in the way he wanted her.

She didn’t understand at first. The torment wasn’t just physical—it seeped into her mind, creeping into every quiet moment until she was drowning in him. He was in her dreams, in the air she breathed, in the whispers of the night breeze against her skin. She thought sleep would be an escape, but even there, he haunted her. And worst of all, he knew.

She was losing herself. She woke up in a fevered haze, slick with sweat, the evidence of her torment staining the sheets between her thighs. The scent of longing thickened the air, her chest heaving from another dream where he touched her, where he took her, where he gave her everything he wouldn’t give her in waking life. But then she woke, and the ache was sharper than before.

She hated him for this.

She loved him for this.

Every second stretched unbearably. She started second-guessing herself, wondering what she had done wrong, why he kept pulling away. Was she not enough? Was she not worthy of his attention? Was this his way of telling her she would never truly belong to him?

Her thoughts turned dark. Her desire curdled into frustration, then pain, then madness.

She needed to escape this torment.

So she did the one thing she swore she wouldn’t do.

She went to him.

---

The night air was thick and suffocating, but she barely felt it. Her body was burning from the inside out. Every step toward his door felt heavier than the last, as if her own shame was trying to drag her back.

She shouldn’t be here.

But she was.

She had tried to fight it, to reason with herself, to convince herself that she could hold out just a little longer. That she could be patient, obedient, good.

But fuck that.

Her hands trembled as she raised them to knock. She hesitated—just for a second, just long enough to consider turning around. But the moment passed, and the knock echoed in the silence.

Her heart pounded.

Nothing.

She knocked again, harder this time, the weight of her desperation forcing its way through her clenched fist. The sound barely faded before the lock clicked.

And then he was there.

He didn’t look surprised.

He didn’t need to be.

Of course he knew she would come. Of course he knew she would break eventually. He had been waiting for this.

She was already shaking, already unraveling, already losing whatever self-respect she had clung to. She opened her mouth, but her voice failed her.

So she did the only thing she could.

She dropped to her knees.

She didn’t wait for permission. She didn’t need it. Her body moved on instinct, surrendering to the inevitable.

Her thighs parted, spreading wide, her feet tucked neatly beneath her, toes pointed backward. Her back remained straight, not slouched—not sloppy. Her hands moved to her thighs, palms up, an unspoken offering. Her head lowered, but not in shame—in surrender. Just like he taught her.

"Please."

One word.

That was all she could manage.

And that was all it took.

A smirk curled at the corner of his mouth, slow, knowing, victorious. He stepped forward, his presence consuming the space between them. His hand found her hair, his fingers threading through the strands, stroking, taunting.

The gentleness broke her.

Tears welled up, spilling down her cheeks before she could stop them. The weight of everything—the torment, the craving, the surrender—crashed down on her all at once.

He tilted her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze.

"Say it," he commanded.

Her voice was wrecked, barely a whisper.

"Please... I nee—"

She didn’t get to finish.

He yanked her to her feet. His mouth was on hers before she could even gasp, swallowing the rest of her plea. His kiss was hard, bruising, filled with every moment of restraint he had held back. She melted into him, her body responding on instinct, pressing as close as she could, but it wasn’t enough.

It would never be enough.

That night, he gave her what she had begged for.

She screamed his name. She sobbed. She broke.

And he put her back together.

The sound of skin against skin, her moans, her cries, his growls, the sharp sting of pleasure and pain merging into one—it was everything.

When it was over, when she was spent and aching, bruises blooming across her skin, she laid beside him. And for the first time in what felt like forever, she could breathe.

Because he was there.

Because he was hers.

Because she had finally learned what it meant to need.

And she knew now—she would never need anything else.

 What if Nelson Mandela had never been released from Robben Island? What if the minerals in the Democratic Republic of Congo had never been discovered? What if the Titanic had actually made it to New York, and we never got that dramatic “Jack, come back” moment? Or mowhat if Rose scooted over and made space for Jack on the door??

We ask ourselves what if far too often. We romanticize alternate realities, trying to imagine a world where things turned out differently—better, fairer, less painful. But the truth is, no matter how much we analyze, dissect, and reimagine the past, we can never truly know how things would have unfolded. The endless possibilities exist only in our minds, and the more we indulge in them, the more we feed our own anxiety, regret, and inner turmoil.

The question of what if is a seductive one. It whispers promises of a different outcome, a better life, an alternate history where things went the way we wish they had. But speculation is a loop—an exhausting, never-ending cycle of uncertainty that breeds anxiety, regret, and a false sense of control over something that has already passed. We tell ourselves that if we just think hard enough, if we just replay the moment one more time, we might find the answer that will bring us peace. But peace doesn’t come from speculation—it comes from acceptance.

We can never be certain that our imagined alternatives would have been better. In fact, they could have actually been worse. What if the choice we regret making was actually the one that saved us? What if the path we mourn not taking would have led to even greater destruction? We will never know. And that is the WHOLE point.

The most dangerous thing about what if is that it gives us the illusion of control over something that was never in our hands to begin with. We cling to the idea that if only one detail had been different, everything else would have fallen into place. But history—both personal and global—doesn’t work like that. One change doesn’t guarantee a better outcome; it only guarantees a different one. And different doesn’t always mean better.

It’s human nature to question, to wonder. Maybe if we had said something different, made a different choice, taken another path, things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. But what if they had turned out worse? We never ask that question, well the chronic overthinker does - but the ordinary person not so much. We assume the alternate timeline is kinder, but life is unpredictable. We don’t get to know for certain whether another version of events would have led to a better outcome—or something far more catastrophic.

The past is unchangeable. What happened, happened. And no matter how painful or unfair it may be, it is the only reality we have. Instead of tormenting ourselves with what could have been, maybe the real challenge is finding peace in what is. Because despite the pain, despite the struggle, the fact that this reality exists means that, in some twisted way, it was the best possible outcome— only because THAT was the outcome.

The past is concrete. The present is fleeting. The future is unwritten. Fixating on what could have been only blinds us from what is. Instead of asking what if, perhaps the better question is what now? Because the only thing we can ever control is how we move forward

Not because it was perfect. Not because it was fair. But because, well… have you seen how life works? Things can always get worse. That’s the real kicker. Maybe we dodged an even bigger disaster, and we don’t even know it. Maybe the universe saw the alternate possibilities and thought, “Yeah, nah. Let’s go with this one.”

And honestly, considering some of the chaotic things we’ve seen happen in this world, maybe that’s a small comfort. Maybe we don’t always get the happily-ever-after we wished for, but at least we didn’t get the OH - HELL - NO version either.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.

This is the end of a chapter, hereafter i will not make single blog about him or our so called dynamic every again, i have put this to bed. I ended my 30 Days no contact on the note that I would break no contact in the future and reach out to my EX Dom. That stance has changed and after our last conversation i want nothing to do with him and anything he taught me is all a big fat lie, and i will be telling you why. 

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, but in D/s, it’s everything. Without it, there’s no surrender, no safety, no dynamic worth having. This is why what happened with him shook me—not just because he lied, but because of the layers behind that lie.

As me and him were getting to know each other, I asked him a simple, straightforward question: Are you single and when was your last dynamic? His answer? Yes, my last dynamic ended about a year ago. That was enough for me. There was no hesitation in his voice, no room for doubt in his words. I believed him.

But the truth was far from what he told me.

I stumbled upon his account on a different bdsm site and was bombarded by his declaration of his relationship, upon further investigation i discovered that he has been in this dynamic for few months. You can imagine the shock i felt in that moment. HE LIED! When i confronted him, he confirmed that it actually was't just a few months, but he had been in this committed dynamic for three years—the entire time of our dynamic. Every moment we shared, every scene, every conversation where I confided in him, trusted him, surrendered to him, it was all happening while he had another submissive and I had no idea she existed.

When I confronted him, his response wasn’t guilt or remorse. Instead, it was justifying what he did I wasn’t covering anything up or trying to hide anything out of malice—it’s just that my life was complicated then, being in the out of town, the dynamic being in flux; on when i'm there off when i wasn't , and I didn’t know how to put it all into words without making a mess of things. I also had thoughts of expanding without a foundation to expand on, i was balancing thought of the present and thoughts of the future, only to come back and have it all clash at the same time and for it all not to make sense. Looking back, I can see how that left you with questions, and I regret that. The timing, the dynamic—it was a lot for me to sort through, and I didn’t handle it as well as I could’ve. I wasn’t as open as I might’ve been because I was figuring things out myself, not because I wanted to keep you in the dark.. You were under serious consideration, but as started to piece things together and things started to make sense, you and being my sub made less and less sense, from a compatibility point of view and from the point of view of a lot of timelines not making sense. Things are still in flux, but they are making more sense now. I hope you can find some peace with that, even if it’s not the full picture you’re after.

Now i know people will want to say "well at least he acknowledge it" and "oh he is taking accountability for his actions" - to that i say in the nicest way possible BULLSHIT!

He kept up a lie for 6 months, painted this whole picture of how things would be when he is ready to expand, and possible subs he had in mind, and how he used that year to think and really figure things out but right now his focus is on me and cultivating our relationship and he wants to say it wasn't out of malice?? Turns out that the whole time I was the sub he was considering for expansion. He even had a chance to come clean, he brought up a sub and i asked him if he had anything in the past with her but he brushed it off as its just complicated. he could have told me. But he didn't. He chose to lie to me, paint this picture. 

What angered me wasn’t just the deception—it was that he never gave me the chance to choose. He took away my ability to make an informed decision about who I was submitting to. And in D/s, where trust and transparency are essential, that’s not just dishonesty—it’s manipulation.

But here’s the thing: it would have changed everything.

Would I have entered a dynamic with him if I knew? No, not when i did, i would have let him sort through what ever it was he was going through, and tried once he was sorted and in a better place. 

But he took that away from me, and used me to fulfill and reach his dream and life philosophy of having a closed triad dynamic.  

I spent a while questioning myself after this. Was I in the wrong for not realizing sooner? Should I have asked better questions? Did I ignore red flags (which i did)? But the truth is, the blame isn’t mine. I asked the right questions. I trusted in good faith. The only mistake I made was believing someone who had no intention of being honest with me.

So, no, I wasn’t in the wrong. He was. And if nothing else, this experience has taught me that honesty isn’t something to be assumed—it’s something to be consistently proven.

I don’t write this as a warning, but as an acknowledgment. A reminder that even in dynamics built on discipline, integrity, and rules, deception can exist. And when it does, it has the power to shake the very foundation of what submission means. Trust can not be formed when the truth has been slightly altered or hidden to benefit one party. 

With that being said...this is the conclusion of my 30 Days No Contact. 

xoxo

N

So, I have been talking with a Dom, for what I'd say about a month. From the jump, he mentioned he was interested in me, and I told him that I was fresh out of a dynamic and going through some stuff, to which he was very understanding about and deterred by. He showed a lot of compassion about what I was going through, and was very insightful and has been very patient.

There is obviously an undeniable attraction to each other. He finds me beautiful, smart and funny, cute all the sweet stuff, and likewise, I find him very attractive, well spoken, very caring and kind, and the cherry on top ….HIS OLD, now not grandpa old more like 10 years+ old. Apart from our physical attraction, we have the same views on everything we have discussed so far, from our view on being IN love with your Sub as a Dom, vice versa, to the type of dynamic we want to have and our different characteristics that complement each other.

For me, vetting has not even lasted 3 weeks, even that is long, my last dynamic we vetted for like 2 weeks at max or a few days short of it, I think. But this time it’s all happening so slowly, which I am not complaining about. It is really nice, getting to know him, him knowing me…everything is intentional, when we talk, what we talk about, it is all done with purpose. He is always asking me about my thoughts on things, and has made a safe space for me to freely communicate, whether it be good things and any bad things. Which is so important because I hate confrontation and I am always scared to speak up when someone has made me feel bad intentionally or unintentionally, but he is so empathetic it is easy to tell him stuff. As someone who struggles with overthinking, anxiety, and other things, the way he treats me and who he is as a person and a Daddy Dom has put all of my thoughts and feelings at bay, and only leaving me with this deep longing to just submit to him. Which is very nice and refreshing.

He isn’t intimidating or rough or has this overbearing forced sense of intensity and mysteriousness macho-man vibe, he doesn’t leave me hanging (which a lot of Doms tend to do as a tactic to get subs) he is calm, gentle, kind, nurturing and patient. He is pursuing me, and there is no better feeling as a woman than sitting back and watching a man be intentional with the way he treats you, it brings out a different type of confidence.. I have found myself trying to hold back from calling him Daddy, it is just feeling so natural…because that is how he is treating and making me feel, which is like a Princess.

HOWEVER, I still can’t help but try and jump the gun. They say the sub holds the power in a dynamic? because the sub can end a play session, the sub agrees to the rules, etc. So in that same breath I feel like I have to initiate the beginning of the dynamic. I always have, I reach a point where I just say enough and ask the dom to make me his sub or I ask the dom to be my dom.

I read a blog on Fetlife about how vetting in BDSM is a forgotten art. Now I want to ask what is the “Proper” vetting process? What are the non-negotiable things that need to be put on the table when vetting? Because I personally just “guess” questions or ask whatever comes to mind. How do dynamics start?

"The door is closed...but it's not locked, you will always be welcome "