Allie’s Space

Hello everyone

I hope everyone is safe and healthy. We are amidst weird times. Sending positive vibes to all. 

If you haven’t read my last blog, please do before continuing on with this post. For those that have read it, I have some updates for you all. 

Mr. Brat Tamer, is getting in touch with kink way more than I have expected. He has slowly progressed. He said numerous times that he would do something if I want it to be done even if he doesn’t enjoy it. However, I want to find what is it that he truly enjoys, so I will introduce him to something and see if he does it on his own or enjoys it at all.

He is regularly in the mood to spank, which work out GREAT for me. I’m glad he enjoys that. However, he isn’t into Ass play of any sort.  I have gotten him quite fond of nipple-play as well, he was and still is good at what he does there but I gave him a few ideas and the permission to be less gentle.

Also, we both love it when he fucks my face. 

He is not fond of wax play nor any sort of impact play yet. However, I have assured him that I do enjoy a crop and a flogger. We can incorporate them when he is ready. He has also been into rigging and sensory deprivation, especially eyesight.

And last but not least he started telling me what to do ... as in achievable goals and that he would “shun” me as punishment for a week or whatever if I don’t abide them. He is not trying to be a Dominant as we know it. I’m just getting him to let loose and release his inner dominance. No rules, no textbook Dominant. Just him. His own essence in his dominance. 

Thank you for reading,  

until next time. 

Hello there, it has been a while since I have last posted, however I have been reading everyone’s blogs. I hope everyone is safe and healthy throughout this pandemic. I know my quarantine has been quite fruitful. 

I took care of a few things. Then met someone, someone who is vanilla. And he gave me alpha vibes, dominant vibes, and somehow I naturally became submissive to him, in a good way.

He definitely has a Daddy Dom vibe to him and As we have been “hanging out,” I have been analyzing his personality - we haven’t mentioned kink yet.  

UNTIL a couple of weeks ago, we talked a bit and I told him. He has never done anything kinky except choking because “a lot of girls like it.” 😂 I told him what vibes he gives off and we decided to give him the bdsm test. His results made so much sense. He was a Brat Tamer and those who know me, know how much of brat I am, including him. He is slowly warming up to some things - when I say slowly, I mean . . . s  l  o  w  l  y . . . 

Its weird how I can submit to a vanilla man without any form of kink. Has ANYONE been through this? Any advice as well? 

thank you for reading,

until next time. 

Doubtful of my decisions, choices, auras, beliefs, hobbies ... everything about me. 

I am known to have phases of curiosity, like the kitty that I identify with. 

Phases like the moon, let me list just a few ... 

Ornithology, zoology, dentistry, chemistry, demonology, magic, acting, singing, holistic medicine, medical botany, history, botanics in beauty, and so much more. 

Please don’t mistaken when I have used the term “phase,” it definitely doesn’t suggest that I did not find that curiosity inside of me, or that I have not learned anything. On the contrary, it has broadened my knowledge about so much. However, I have NOTHING that I am TRULY passionate about. I like a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

When I have thought that I have found something I knew I have loved, now I’m doubting this lifestyle. Is it for me? Was it ever for me? Was/is it a phase? 

I identified as a submissive since my late teenage years in high school. I knew I wanted a man that felt like a man, no offense to anyone out there, but being the man for me is a vibe or aura if you will that makes me NATURALLY submit. Unfortunately, its like looking for a needle in a haystack. You have to go through so many to find one or two. 

I have made so many friends here, a few doms here and there owned me, some lied, some played for a bit and vanished, some that I still talk to. 

Only two that I naturally submitted to them as their aura is pure dominance. Allowed my pride to bow down. 

The one thing I lacked in ALL of my relationships was a sense of security. Yes, it was there initially, but it didn’t take long before it vanished. Reasons vary, some is pure and non malicious, however, some were down right liars and cheaters. 

Not to sound like a child although I identify as a Little BUT I like being my in a relationship as well as a D/s dynamic, I want a long term relationship that consists of kink, trust, love, honesty, security and stability. Did I mention Kink? Some can provide that but I cannot submit, however I am able to submit to those that cannot provide that. 

I feel hopeless to find that person, I was ready to leave my whole life and family behind for one Dom here after being owned for a few months only to find out he had a live in sub For two years and just had a baby 😄 ... him and I were strictly Ddlg ... I was shattered.

And I have been spiraling down since, in trusting other Doms. Or any potential love interest. 

Which makes me think and doubt my compatibility with this lifestyle. Is it a phase of disappointment? Or a phase of offering submission? Am I even a submissive? Am I not good enough to be put as a priority and to find all of what I seek? Yes, I am asking for a lot but I know they’re out there...

or not? 

My life is changing rapidly 

I will be beginning so many chapters soon

However, 

I'm experiencing an emotion ... 

It is leading me to behave bravely if you will, 

Confronting individuals

Responding to allegations 

Allowing myself to be heard 

Not hiding behind my customer service face 

I only have ONE LIFE to live

I want to live it right

Without holding on to painful scenarios 

I try 

I really do

But my blood boils in an instant 

The flesh of my customer service facade melts

 As my inner Lilith emerges from within 

She emerges from My Hell, 

Unfortunately its of my creation
A hell I have made for myself

Where did I go wrong ... 

is it that I approached you first? 
However, you said you wanted to be approached first 

Is it that we played on our first time? 
You said that you enjoyed it, you said that you’d want it again

Is it because I’m busy to talk 24/7? 
Well maybe because we both are busy. 

Is it because I initiate conversations? 
Again, you said you wanted to be approached, and know that you aren’t wasting time. its a two-way street. 

Is it because I’m looking for a relationship?  
You are looking for a relationship too. 

I don’t know where I stand, no matter how many times you answer the question. I want to be loved and cherished. 

I want to feel wanted ... not an option. A distant option.

I don’t know how else can I do to make you feel what I am going through. 

I often text, however, feel that I could be texting at a wrong time. So I back off. I am in a maze, I don’t know what else to do. 

I just want to know ... where did I go wrong? 

As I get off a hectic shift, I get into my car, and as I sit in the driver's seat, I let out a sigh as if all of the stress and the exhaustion that has acquired as a result of accmulated emotions just got released into the air and the day has come to an end.

I should be home soon, I should be de-stressing by the thought of stripping naked and stepping  under the hot water streaming down my curvature, washing all of this day's negative energy and events from head to toe. 

But as I sit there in the car, I get a flashback of a few good and bad memories. I‘ve tried to shrug the negative memories and replace them with the good ones.

I remembered us together, hence the shadows of my anxiety began to darken my view. How can a Dom have so much control over a sub even outside of play sessions? Is it healthy or not? What if it backfires? How can the pieces be picked up? 

How can a Little become extremely attached to a Caregiver, a Slave chained to a Master, a Pet leashed to its Owner.

How does it happen? It becomes severe in no time. What happens when the sub gets released? Or lied to? Or attached to a Dom who only displays sensuality yet fails to display emotions. 

Laying alone at night

Staring at the moonlight 

Wishing you were next to me 

Cuddling me and holding me tight 

I wish I was able to sync my heartbeat to your breath

As I wish you can hold me firmly until I'm dead

Knowing that you are the only one that can hurt me ...

Consentually 

Safely 

Bound, Blindfolded, Gagged, Tied up

Unable to walk, talk, see, or move without your mercy

I don’t know how to express my feelings anymore.
Yes, I have many emotions, a scorpio is a very emotional individual, however, an introvert.

Bottling up is a curse to those who practice it.

I feel that no matter how much I attempt to express my feelings, words fail me.
It feels like I’m chained, I know what I want but at the same time I’m clueless. 

I crave ... constantly ... a craving that is never satisfied.
Craving feelings, sensations, trembles, and pain.

That is only one side of what I’m looking for, however, the rest is unknown.

I know it when I see it.

And when I see it, it vanishes.

Allowing my inner thoughts to doubt myself, my wants, my needs, my desires. To put them all on a weighing scale and see what is it that needs to be compromised.

I’m greedy, I want it all.

But either I find it all but it isn't Mine.

Or either one side of it is present but the other side to balance it isn’t, hence the scale is the solution to my the options weighing me down. 

I have moments.
Moments I cannot completely describe.

I have moments when my body and soul restarts, mostly during a thunderstorm.

I have moments when I am reminiscing on certain and specific moments that I re-live and “re-feel” every single second of it but makes me crave it more.

Just like when you remember that you loved this dessert you had and want it that same moment. 

I have moments when I get lost in my thoughts Mostly imagining far-fetched scenarios

I have moments when I am full of excitement and love for this lifestyle 

I also have moments when I doubt everything that I love or care about, including this lifestyle

Do I want to be a kitten? A Little? A bottom? 

Do I want to continue in this lifestyle? Is it a phase? 

Is it just that I need a break from it or to break from it? 

To all who is reading, this is a real time, typing my thoughts as they flow in my brain down to paper, kind of blog entry. So I was typing what I was thinking in a span of a couple minutes. I have inattentive ADHD and am the Queen of Procrastination and Overthinking, all due to this little problem.

“I have work at 5pm, but what time am I out? I have work again at my other job. I have to make money. I have to pay rent. I have to get groceries next week. I have to get gas. I have to get sleep. I have to get more money. I have to get a new job. Oh yeah, I have gotten two emails from job applications from a company. I have to reply to that. I have to see what position I applied for in that company. Was it a manager position? Or were they thinking that I have strong managerial skills to offer me a management interview?!  

I have to help my sister. I have to pick up my other sister. I have to finish my loan application. I have to be available for my family when they need me. I have to pay my phone bill. Why is my bill so high? I have to find a carrier. Will open it on my phone and leave it in an open tab so I can look at it later. I wish I can be filthy rich and have an empire like Jeffree Star. I aspire to be as successful as this beautiful person is. I want my own cosmetic line. I want to graduate. I want to become a successful Licensed Psychologist. Wow, my family is now betting money on me graduating or not because it took me a bit. I don’t know if I will graduate in time or not.

My heart is so broken and I dislike that I have disappointed him.. I cant help how my brain works. I miss people in my life, I dont like my morning without certain things done. I dislike that I lose people, I love people however value my privacy.” — *brain working too hard and mixed with emotions that I cannot express into thoughts nor words anymore*