This is simply a blog post that I started, in the hope that common knowledge, as well as tips and hints on a scientific scale, may shine a light on understanding aftercare and its power.
I will start with the bio-chemical effects of aftercare, and what will happen as result of going through it.
First off, let’s define aftercare.
In the context of the sexual practice of BDSM, aftercare is the process of attending to one another after intense feelings of a physical or psychological nature (relating to BDSM activities).
BDSM experiences can be exhausting; and drain the participants of mental, emotional or physical energy. As a result, one or all participants may require emotional support, comfort, reassurance, and/or physical tenderness.
Along with this, he or she may experience everything from an exhilaration to traumatization (which if not attended to through aftercare, can result in what is known as Dominant/submissive drop).
Aftercare also may include a review or “debriefing” of the activities from the experiences of both the Dominant and the submissive.
Some participants may wish to be left alone or have other means of processing the experience.
While the desire to be left alone could stem from just needing rest, it could also result from no longer feeling safe in the current environment or situation (and this is important to decipher).
Common aftercare practices may include hugging, kissing, hair-stroking, cuddling, words of praise or gratitude, or general affirmation of an emotional bond between partners.
Occasionally, more "vanilla" sexual activities such as intercourse or oral sex following an intense scene may also be considered as part of aftercare.
Now, what are the bio-chemicals that a body will produce in a sexual scene? (Regardless of the nature of the scene, these can be present)
1- Adrenaline
2- Oxytocin
3- Endorphins
1. Adrenaline (aka Epinephrine)
What it does:
Adrenaline activates the sympathetic nervous system, which increases your heart rate and dilates the arteries to increase blood flow to your muscles during sex. It also causes a refractory period in which another orgasm is virtually impossible for up to 20 minutes after sex. During intercourse, increased amounts of adrenaline is released from the adrenal glands. This chemical amplifies the circulatory system with each heart contraction.
How it makes you feel:
Adrenaline makes you feel exhilarated and will make your heart feel like it's pounding out of your chest.
2. Oxytocin
What it does:
Secreted by the pituitary gland, oxytocin stimulates the prostate, causes muscle contractions and sensitizes the nerves. Research has shown that increased oxytocin produces more intense orgasms.
How it makes you feel:
Oxytocin is known as the "cuddling hormone" because it causes you to feel a connection and bond with your lover. It's also found in women's breast milk, helping to create a bond between baby and mother.
If you enjoy cuddling with your partner after sex, the chances are that you know the effects of oxytocin very well.
3. Endorphins
What it does:
Endorphins are a group of neurotransmitters formed within the body that bind to opiate receptor sites in your brain to naturally relieve pain. The bio-chemicals acetylcholine and dopamine are also known as endorphins, and have a similar chemical structure to morphine. They are also known to lower stress and boost your confidence.
How it makes you feel:
Endorphins produce feelings of euphoria and pleasure, and they have a calming effect. They fill you with a sense of well-being and relaxation. They may also make you feel dizzy and drowsy, and you might even drift off to sleep. Doctors have suggested that over-stimulation of the opiate receptors, as with heroin use, causes a depressed sex drive.
So the next time your partner hassles you over passing out post-sex, you know it's the endorphins at work. In fact, you can even argue that the faster you fall asleep, the better the sex was.
As a side note, endorphins are released by your brain during many activities outside of sex; things like sporting activities, skydiving, fights, grievous injuries, and almost any other exhilarating activity you partake in can cause the release of this chemical.
Aftercare is much more than just a simple cuddle, and it is absolutely necessary after (and at times during) a BDSM scene, for all of the above reasons. For some people this is a very natural thing to do, and for others it is something that takes time to learn. Be aware there is no limitation to how long someone should perform aftercare, this can be as quick as twenty minutes, or as long as three hours. It is always important to remember that you need to ask and understand what your partner needs. Both Dominants and submissives need aftercare from their partner, and it is essential to a healthy relationship.
Understanding how the mind operates addresses how you approach performing aftercare, or how you process a scene. Everyone should know that even in the tightest bonds and relationships, there are moments of doubt and hesitation that are created by multiple influences. This can be experienced in (and not limited to), new scene activities, training, even the simple uprising of a new relationship.
Remember, at all times, your partner’s psychological (mental and emotional) and physical state needs to addressed, acknowledged, recognized, comforted and above all else, valued.
