I can't help but wonder what kind of people one's ancestors would have to have been to impart such strong biological urges in a person several generations down the line.
I've always had the primal "monster" that lies inside rather close to the surface. It isn't something that's come out exclusively during sex. In fact, I'd say sex accounts for 20% of where my primal instincts seem to manifest. The remaining expenditure is directed towards all other aspects of my day to day life, be them social, professional or casual. I'll always remember the day I realized my teeth were bigger than most. What has always fascinated me, is the degree that people are willing to go to avoid conflict of any kind. So then, one naturally has to wonder, what if you don't avoid go out of your way to avoid conflict? What if you're actually good at it? What if you like it?
It started innocently enough. The simple words, "People only treat you as shitty as you let them". They made so much sense. Poor childhood treatment ended in a flash after I broke his nose and two ribs. I was targeted no more. My first real job outside of high-school was quite intense, and a staggering amount of responsibility for a 17 year old. The work was long and grueling, but I loved it. It was such a fucking challenge. But then the manager got greedy. He threatened the hours of several good men and women I worked with. I threatened to remove myself and half his work force from his employment if he continued down this path. We reached an understanding. This pattern continued in nearly every situation I didn't like the outcome or handling of. I realized I had the power to enact change in my world. To bend and shape it to an image I liked better than the one I'd be given. I would ask questions. I would suggest alternatives. I would demand change. What I wanted came to me, more and more and more. Then, the most soul-scouring question I'd ever contemplated in my life became the focus of all my attention. What kind of world did I want to build for myself, knowing I possessed the tools to do so? If you ever want to see what kind of person you are, gain power. You'll see first-hand what kind of soul you posses.
I thought on it for some time. I still do. It's important to reflect on what you've done, assuring yourself that you would still stand by the decisions you've made. What I knew for certain was I didn't want to be a villain. The world had enough of those, and deep down, I've always had a soft heart. Maybe I could be a protector? I'd already saved myself. I didn't need protecting anymore. But... I was damn good at it. Maybe there were others out there who couldn't shield themselves. Maybe they were weak. Maybe they didn't know how. Maybe they didn't think they deserved it. Maybe I could help them.
I threatened a man today who made aggressive advances on a female coworker of mine. I guess that's where this whole post stemmed from. He said something crude to her. Not subtle at all. I told him if he ever said something so fucking stupid in my presence again, I was going to throw him down the fucking stairwell. I meant it, too. I was angry. I wanted to hurt him, and badly. She's a sweet girl. He tried defending himself, explaining he meant no harm. I told him to walk out the door and never return. And he did. I must have been visibly unsettled, as it took her a while to approach me. She hugged me tight and thanked me. I told her it was my job. I meant it.
Would I have been some savage warlord in a different time? Maybe. Deep down, selfishly and optimistically, I'd like to think I'd have been a wise, old King. But quite frankly, I may just be trying to justify my judgments. Who knows, maybe the world will change some day. Maybe I'll get to build a beautiful kingdom after all. But until that day, I'll continue to stand tall. I'll protect those who need it. I'll help those who want it. I'll stop those who deserve it. I can live with the consequences of my actions.
I stand by my decisions. If what you're doing is wrong or stupid, I won't keep it to myself. The well-being of someone with better intentions than yourself may depend on it.
