Memoir of a Submissive

A woman’s dresser is a tour through her life.

The nightgowns that button up the front, with easy access for 2am feedings, are pushed to the back.

Faded pink satin, they have been forgotten in the whirlwind of babies’ grad school applications and work responsibilities.

Oversized sweatshirts and mom jeans fill another drawer, leftovers from trips to hospice wards and caregiving for those who gave her life.

New items are fighting for space,

determined, brave, and not about to back down,

 legion, for they are many.

Black thigh high stockings, seamed.

Intricate, delicate garter belts.

Corsets, tightly fitted, leather and lace, they push still-perky breasts up and out for all to see.

Flouncy, fun, tiny skirts to cover for just a little while, until He says to lose them.

Yes, there are some new sheriffs in town.

And they scream to be heard above the melancholy past.

Better call Goodwill and make some room.

Rule 54- When i wear nylons i will wear them only with garters and high heels. i will never wear panty hose – such items of clothing shall be thrown out.

***Thank you for your faithful reading despite my absence- that pesky work! And the fun playtimes. 😉 New you’d understand.:) ***

A whisper, a sigh

A low, delectable moan,

Tell Him i am free.

Rule 53: i must always respond fully both physically and verbally to whatever my Master does with me. The expressions of my emotions and my physical responses are important to Him. i must never hold back any part of their display, regardless of how intense they may be, unless restricted to do so.

Maiden

A word so infrequently used, it has been relegated to fairy tales and dreams of another, untamed time.

Yet, it was I...timid, wearing an unlined mask of perfect skin, I tried to boldly take such large steps into a life, planned, but unknown.

I was joined in the journey and led in it by one not too dissimilar. Filled with hopes of a life together, we embarked.

Firsts of many kinds, sensual pleasures, surely.

And yet, an aching, a longing for that which I was unable to bring to Him, secretly filled the corners of our bedroom.

A ferocity He longed to express, a place for me to be safe from all I longed to control, could have belonged to that Maiden.

If only she could have learned to trust the Dragon.

Mother

Babies filled my arms, my days, my heart.

A heart that I thought I was limitless, crowded out the very Bringer of joy, adventure, and peace.

I ran after all those things, putting everyone and everything ahead of Him.

And still, He waited, often without the fire that filled Him, for a glimpse of what could be,

 If only I could have flown with Him, to soar above the demands of life and finally believe.

Crone

The maiden’s dreams all accomplished,

The babies grown,

The responsibilities to those who created me, fulfilled,

I stood alone, looking over the vast expanse of a kingdom thirty years in the making.

And I saw Him, swooping in to save what was always His.

To take, finally, all the control, all the pleasures, and all the joy they brought,

To lay them at my feet.

Reminding me that the story was not over,

But just beginning.

Rule 52: i will periodically examine my whole life and look for how it has changed as a result of my relationship to my Master. i will speak to my Master about those areas where there have been improvements and those areas where i feel uncomfortable, insecure, or unsure of what direction i should take, how i should behave, or how i can behave in a manner that is different than how i have been behaving in the past.

It was the sort of winter that made one wonder if she will ever thaw.

The house became a welcome refuge from ice, cold, and biting winds, until it became more prison than haven.

No, His princess would be locked away no longer. An adventure awaited….

They ventured to an unknown place, without marker or signage, known only to those permitted to enter.

A harshly lit, undecorated hallway led to stone steps as they descended further and further away from the frigid ground level into glorious warmth.

Darkness was her cloak, as her eyes adjusted to the candle light amidst the cavernous space. Welcoming smiles were everywhere, encouraging her to put her fears aside, and dream, awake.

He led her from spot to spot within the marvelous underground playground, pointing out a spanking bench here, a St. Andrew’s Cross there. Which would be her foray into this Brave, New World?

Until they turned a corner.

A small crowd had gathered around a flat bed, with attached rack. Eager eyes and hesitant hands surrounded a purveyor of electro- wonders…would anyone be brave enough…to touch?

Somewhere deep within her sprang an almost childlike spontaneity, and she asked if she could place just one finger upon the wand, seeking both her Master’s approval and the owner’s permission.

Of course!!

She settled on an electrified spot and time seemed to fade from her consciousness, as implements, spoons, Wartenberg Wheels, and yes, even pompons, brought the most delicious, sparking sensations to every inch of her exposed skin.

She had a moment of recall, from a distant time, when she could not even endure a dance with another man. And here she was, with a perfect stranger, bringing the most exciting of touches to her body, in full view of a curious, all-eyes-on-her audience.

Her Master’s decision, directive, and delight made her more courageous than any mere adventurer.

And allowed her to light up the cold, cold night.

Rule 51: As a provider slave, i will offer myself to those elected by my Master who wish to use me for a demonstration or to experiment on.

i was taught from a young age that the proper response to the Source of Endless love was to kneel.

To descend to the earth, to bow my head or to raise my eyes reminded me that it was not i who was in charge.

 i was dependent, and worshipful because of it.

To trust in knowing this Someone -who formed me, breathed life into me, and sustained me- gave great peace.

And so i knelt.

Those who live outside of this Heaven would tell me that i debase myself by kneeling beside His bed,

That i set myself up for feeling less than,

That i am vulnerable and weak.

Trust is not weak.

i kneel, now, before Him who formed me anew from the shattered lies i believed,

Who breathed fresh, adventurous dreams into my soul,

Who sustains me with His lips, hands, cock, flogger.

And i am at peace once more.

Rule 50:  i will always sleep nude – kneeling first before i enter my bed and kneeling first as soon as i get out of my bed – for it is a great privilege to have a bed to sleep on.

You lean in close, put Your lips to my ear.

Your breath, warm and inviting, tickles.

Your words tell me of my place, the pain and pleasure that it brings.

The leather caress of Your flogger.

The determination of Your bare hand upon delicate skin.

The heat of melted wax, swirled and dripped in a kaleidoscope of sensation.

Your plans for me .

If I but listen.

Rule 49: i will always listen with a strong interest in whatever my Master has to say during my training. i want to learn all that i can from Him so i can understand more about Him, about me, about the bdsm scene and community, and those involved in bdsm relationships – so i may be able to better understand the world i am apart of and be able to communicate it accurately to anyone who wishes to know more about it.

A bouquet of bright, sunshine-tinged flowers.

A pristine, glass-quart of decadent cream.

The beautiful pages of a year-long journal.

All have a limited lifespan,

 all will eventually turn drab, sour, or at best, over.

But a love alive with a slow, languid smile,

A new, form-fitting, cleavage-revealing top,

A little wiggle as i walk away,

A tight, curve-hugging pencil skirt,

Black, seamed stockings,

A teetering on slightly-too-high heels,

A nervous giggle,

A confident, naughty chuckle,

A slight bow when serving Your coffee in public,

Not Safe For Work, frequent sexts

Keep things fresh, tasty, and continually write-home-about worthy.

All remind me of my place-my sensual, heart-on-fire place,

And Your pleasure.

Rule 48: my behavior must always display a sexual content however subtle.

There, in the center of the collection, amongst the finest gemstones known to man, is a single, crystal clear case.

The rest of the room seems to fall away as numerous visitors approach the guarded, practically perfect diamond, displayed and venerated at the Institute’s home.

The Hope Diamond glitters, sparkles, beckons all to gaze upon its opulence. Cursed and blessed for all time, it arouses the eye to fantasize about all of its possibilities.

He shackles me in a candle-lit, pounding-beat, crowded space for all the visitors to see. He toys with sensations and color upon skin to bring to the surface others’ desire, appreciation, and envy.

i am His jewel to display.

Rule 47: i must always remember how pleased my Master is when others delight in my sexiness as a result of my ability to show off my assets.

Good Girls don’t.

Don’t what?

Don’t feel need, an ever-gnawing desire that is not quenched by a single kiss, or feathery touch?

Don’t wish to be taken, a will thrown to the winds of succulent lust?

Don’t have thoughts of giving everything to a strict Master who wants nothing less than to possess utterly?

Don’t see their bodies as luscious gardens to be tended, explored, and delighted?

Don’t want more, ever more?

Good thing i am His definition of a Good Girl. 

Rule 46: i am a sexual and sensual being.

Scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours…a somewhat simian metaphor, don’t you think?

It brings to mind images of soft-eyed monkeys doing a bit of tending to one another in an idyllic Eden.

Taking turns, returning the favor, egalitarian through and through.

It comes with an implied threat, though.

If the raking of fingernails does not continue, then alone shall your back be.

If there is something that distracts You- a pretty flower swaying from a vine, a luscious, low-hanging fruit there for the taking  and not sharing- then my service is swiftly gone.

Not so in our Paradise.

i live to bring a smile to You- a quick, delighted one or a languorous, sly upturning of your lips.

i seek new ways to bring You pleasure, either by pushing through limits, or exploring new parts of our delicious, ever-dawning world.

And my back? It needs nothing more than You.

 Just You.

Rule 45: The needs of my Master must always come first before mine own for they offer an opportunity to please Him.