Hekate in Hinterland

Today I woke up in gratitude for my husband/Dom Eros. Why? He is everything I need/want in a Dom with none of the toxic, fake, intsa-dom traits. In some ways, I am too smart for my own good. In others, I am thick as a brick.

I have a rich and diverse trauma history that is exquisitely interwoven with my masochistic and sub tendencies. I also work professionally and need to be assertive and pleasantly, patiently persistent, sometimes with well-educated, otherwise intelligent egotists and misogynists. They are out there and drawn to positions of power (and me, it feels like on some days). In lifestyle, I'm a switch, with some tendencies toward Domming anyone who will let me.

I test. I know how to instigate reactions, throw curveballs, pout, challenge authority, and brat, amongst many other things. After a lot of inner spiritual work and therapy, I have managed to heal somewhat from cPTSD from more than one severe stressor/life-threatening or ending event. I try to be extremely self-disclosing and open about where I'm at and where I'm coming from at any given time. I own my own stuff. 

That being said, I'm not the easiest to be in a relationship with or Dom. I have *mostly* healed anxious and avoidant attachment issues. I have a fear of commitment, a fear of true intimacy, a fear of losing control, and a fear of abandonment. I do those things now, BUT: I test. I challenge.

One of my kinks is being with someone who doesn't submit or overreact. I need a very secure, very masculine, very self-aware Dom who has all the strength and poise and none of the toxicity. Nobody is perfect, but Eros is pretty bomb-proof. There's nothing sexier *to me* than popping off like a Roman candle in every direction and color and being wrapped in bemusement and love and well-deserved playtime afterward.

I guard my independence and survival skills like the lifelines they have been all of my life, but the ability to surrender them and be vulnerable in safety, security, steady love, and structure is the epitome of a D/s 24/7 relationship. We put our relationship and each others' well-being and personal growth first. We talk extensively and often. We work hard and play harder.

 To all the great D's out there who give the Four Pillar Lifestyle a good name and love the risks and rewards of a driven and challenging partner: Thank you. You make the world a better place.

💕Hekate

I like adventure. I'm a bit uniquely flavored and I like me that way. My Dom/husband and I keep our minds and door open to a like-minded adventurous third who is attracted to us and the lifestyle we are building. I don't swing. We're not looking for play partners. We are looking for, if it happens, a third who wants to mutually invest in an equitable relationship that resembles nothing as much as a three-legged stool with a nice, even, level seat.

So all it has been so far is mate poachers. That come on with the whole "I'm looking for a thruple. I'm bi. I'm more physically attracted to women. I want to be submissive to you BOTH." and within a day or two are talking more to the D side, talking more about his pleasure and his preferences, and on, and on, and a thousand more cues that what they really want to do is address their issues with bad experiences and self-esteem issues is to drive a wedge and leave with one, usually him.

I'm a very well-educated psychotherapist. So well that I'm in a partnership because I want to be, not because I need to be. I love people, and am fascinated with what makes them tick. I've studied it exclusively for over 30 years. I'm open-minded; I don't mind helping someone we're attracted to work through the traumatic past they have, which is so common to people in this lifestyle, myself included. But don't take kindness for weakness or stupidity. I can afford the risk of an open relationship. The chances of you successfully pulling the wool over my eyes in this area are slim to none. 

So come with your intentions as bare as your asses. Or don't come at all.

End Rant

To Christmas exposure today. It is Thanksgiving.

Please Stop.

That is all.

Happy Turkey Day Everyone!!

I’m Thankful for another year with Eros and his kinky deliciousness and old and new friends.

Off to wrap the honey bees up tight for winter and finish 🥘!

❤️❤️❤️

Hekate

Eros & I are off to Naughty Revival mid-month November.

We were Married on the Night of Hekate, November 16, and we went to NR as part of our Honeymoon celebration. Eros is a talented maker of Mead, libation of the gods (definitely gets my heads spinning), the honey-based wine that was the basis of the original fortnight-long Honey Moon of old.

Now we are celebrating our anniversary. I have to say, I, as a neurodivergent and anxiety/social anxiety person (past life trauma-getting burned at the stake and pitchforked repeatedly will do that), am still getting used to being kinky (and half undressed) in "public". I put that in quotes because although it is a hotel takeover that's closed to non-participants for the weekend, it's a big hotel! 

Eros is a bit of a naughty little exhibitionist. It brings out his Cupid energy, and then his Eros energy is always close behind. And since I can't get enough of that good ol' Dominant Eros fire, I enjoy the "public" kinkiness by proxy. Never with regrets, always with butterflies. Part of the fun. His latest micro-batch of mead had better be ready! Not to be crude, but it happens to happily coincide with being NNN because some of my favorite things are orgasm control, tease, edging, and denial. Good thing Eros is also a Pleasure Dom and quite the Sadist in all ways, and he knows all too well how to filigree that pain into edging at all the right times.

So that will be me on the way. So by the time I get there and after a glass of mead, with any luck, the PDA won't bother my uptight a$$ any. I blame my parents. And also rather enjoy it in my twisted masochistic kind of way. It makes me wonder how my Switchy Witchy selves co-exist in my body.

Happy November!

That will be all,

Hekate

I've been through and witnessed some things that some people don't even know exist. Terrible things, dark places, broken minds and spirits. I did this in service to the people around me, for the peace of mind and safety of friends, family and country. I stumbled in, and once in, there was no way out for me until there was. So I took it all, and kept as much away from the people I cared about until there was not much left of me but Survival Mode. Now, I am trying to heal.

Some days, I can't handle stress. Some days, I don't want to. Most days I realize that we still exist in a broken competitive system out of sheer laziness and lack of original thought. That's frustrating. Some days I sit and have conversations with people who are just trying to get the upper hand in the conversation the way they have been trained to. Finance types, sales types. I know because I have been through the same training. I lose sight of the business at hand and quietly mourn the fact that we can no longer live our lives and be human, we have to be marketing managers, each building our own "personal brand".

We have become so salesified, selfish, siloed versions of ourselves constantly worshipping a fake reality where humans who used to wear one or two of Antigone's masks now have to put a filtered, curated, edited, re-edited fantasy version of ourselves and our lives into cyberspace to compete with other avatars and "lives" that never have been and never will be real. Our derivatives have derivatives. It takes up a great deal of our days to pay homage to this non-existent reality that our real connections and relationships languish. I wonder if it is sane to try to "heal" and return to a place academics thought was healthy for everybody 150 years ago. Am I relearning trust just to be consumed all the faster for my efforts when I re-enter the world?

And I realize that I cannot be both human and cyborg. I can't engage in my days of fun with fuzzy danger floofs, feeding chickens and ducks, collecting eggs, tending bees and gardens in an age-old rhythm, and then think about selling myself and them online. I don't want to pursue cheap and easy dark psychology online to the masses for engagement, sales, and followers. I think it's inherently flawed and doomed, this system of ours that has made no effort to rise above a survival of the fittest scarcity mindset. 

This may be a mid-life crisis. It may be my soul crying out at the absurdity of it all. But some days I just want to say Fuck It: I'm opting out.

For those of you that know Eros and I, you know we are quietly building our dream here in Minnesota. We are the grateful inhabitants of a gorgeous 17-acre plot with thousands of feet of fresh, clean waterfront. To the rear we have over 100 acres of pristine, forested conservation land.

Our goal is a self sustainable homestead that provides us and our community with abundant organic, cage-free, grass-fed meats and fresh vegetables and herbs. To that end, we added four livestock guard pups, sheparnees, a shepherd, a Pyrenees breeding pair for sheparnees dogs, and a mixed rescue pup.

We have our tractor, hemp license, and beehives that produce honey for food, preserves, mead, and spirits. The hemp provides food and bedding for the meat rabbits who, along with our eggs and great game, provide our dogs and ourselves with meat and eggs. The chicken and duck coop and run houses 23-layer chicken hens and ten ducks.

The hemp, buckwheat, and sunflowers that provide feed and bedding for the rabbits and fowl are going in the ground this weekend. We have a 30 by 40 foot Quonset hut being delivered next week and are discussing basement shelter and root cellar or slab construction. After that, we will add dairy goats for more meat, dairy, cheese, soaps, and lotions when combined with CBD, herbs, beeswax, etc. Also, the Billy goat will help keep predators at bay.

We have a wind turbine that will go up to provide off-grid power. Eros started a wood shop and an ammunition reloading station for hunting practice. In this crazy world, it feels fantastic to be building this dream together that we can share with our adult children someday and can nurture so that it may nurture us.

We both have careers and income outside our homestead, and we are getting things ready to be able to retire here someday.

A safe, self-sufficient community with serenity in a tiny town where the northern lights shine from time to time. Just right.

May wellness find you,

Hekate

I know, I know, we are not all or even mostly located in the United States.

And the country is having a bit of a moment.

Look to her to be pulling out of all the insanity shortly, older and wiser for having borne the crises.

May our pack be an inspiration to us all as we take a moment to do some deep self reflection and inner demon collaring.

Godspeed,

Hekate

I get bored quickly. I like to start new adventures. Sometimes I take it too far and feel like an avant-garde anthropologist living amongst the gorillas, like Jane Goodall, but that is a story for another time.

This story is about my adventures as a beginner in the BDSM lifestyle. I have said before that I am a lucky, well-loved woman and that the way I went about finding Eros was neither safe nor advisable. I was in survival mode after extreme trauma and in recovery from the opiate use disorder that I picked up as a poor attempt at medicating those physical and emotional traumas (I just passed my 5th anniversary of having been tested and passed). I had divested all of my assets to a trust for my kids because the doctors treating my septic joints felt that long-term care was likely in my future as a best-case scenario if I survived. I'd had an NDE. All different unexplained phenomena were happening around me, and I was in a sub-frenzy.

I was doing well financially but neglecting everything that makes us human, and something had to give. I was in sales, which was wearing on me emotionally and becoming more cutthroat by the day. I was also a typically unwelcome member of a *mostly* male team who viewed females as tokens in the profession. The position had never aligned well with my values, but it paid the bills for someone with a big honkin' gap in their resume, no assets left, and ruined credit/network from being in the hospital for so long.

I was noodling around on the cage and stumbled upon Eros, who, after some online flirting and ice-breaking and a weekend together when I was out in Minnesota on business, quite literally swooped in, picked me up in a moving truck, and brought me back to Minnesota from Massachusetts. I locked up my condo and didn't look back. Instead of taking advantage, he took the time to educate me on contracts and BDSM experience checklists. We walked through my experience  (not much) and comfort levels. We became life partners one step at a time, naturally.

He also didn't "rescue" me in the traditional sense. He gave me a focus point and support and encouraged me to do the rest independently. Reached out a steady hand and said, "We take care of our own," then left it there. He meets my trust issues with patient bemusement, and I am on a healing and loving journey back to my humanity.

I sought out and embraced the lifestyle. We live it, and Eros has an innate sense of where I am at. To his credit, he supports and doesn't push. I'm learning, drinking in all of the information, and we attend events, watch videos and read blogs together and separately. I am two years in and feel we are experiencing "just the tip" of the iceberg together.

This is why I always say that though I am educated and experienced in psychology and economics, though I have been a successful entrepreneur, I am a beginner in this new adventure and am grateful to all of the educators who amass and share all of the knowledge that is at the core of our community. I respect your wisdom and knowledge. Starting something new is a gift. It allows me to experience childlike wonder while I stumble through the first steps, laughing with Eros when I fall on my face. It lets me put down the burden of "adulting" my way through the things I do well and the burden of responsibility that comes with that. It's one of the glories that drew me to want to experience being a submissive and letting someone else drive for a minute.

In love and light,

Hekate

Recovery. It's a loaded word. A lot of people are in one form of recovery or another. I studied and worked in psychology and understood it intellectually and as it applied to other people's lives far sooner than I realized how to apply it to my own life. 

As a result, I chose the wrong partner over and over and over again. I chose abusive relationships repeatedly. I got myself into a marriage with man who was later diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and BiPolar 1. I discovered after marriage that my ex was a CI for Customs that had been arrested as a high level member of an international organized crime syndicate who had multiple violent felonies, including weapons, drugs, and money laundering. He was released from prison early to work for U.S. Customs. 

When I reported the abuse to his Agent/handler I was told that if I reported the abuse locally and he was charged with another violent crime, he would be deported and the government could not use him as a key witness in millions of dollars of cases they had built with his information. They appealed to my military patriotism, sense of duty, and later self-preservation. In retrospect, I know they had their eyes on winning the cases for headlines and promotions and not much else because they were "driven" and "ambitious" and that is how that world works day-to-day.

I went to local police several times for help, and was told things like "There is no such thing as the Chinese Mafia" and "We aren't the morality police". It's been suggested that they didn't believe me, but since there were state police liasons involved who seemed to have no problem believeing the Chinese Mafia exists, I think it was probably gaslighting and a misguided extension of the Thin Blue Line courtesy. Lord knows what they were being told behind the scenes though, since "burning" or character assassination by phone calls to people in high places is a real thing.

We went to the US Marshalls office and were offered witness protection after the nationwide Chinese organized crime related cases closed. I was shocked. I would lose the rights to any college degrees, businesses I had built, and military standing I had earned and start off with just the minimum entry level job. I was supposed to be grateful for this-the safety. Perhaps I would have felt differently if I had committed a crime, or had been told upfront what I was getting into. Instead, I felt more betrayed by the country I had served. I declined.

He seemed so human upfront, but things got far, far worse. He cheated every chance he got, groomed kids from our business, and the freakier the better. He was a calculated, trained manipulator who consciously knew how to gain and keep control of people. By the end I had 0 personal connections outside the house. I was always on alert, always walking on eggshells, always keeping up appearances. A few years into it the Customs handling agent crashed his duty car into a parked car high while on opiates that he got, supposedly from another CI he was working for the Gardner Museum heist. I wouldn't put it past my ex to have gotten him hooked either, though. He did spend a lot of time talking about the agent's alleged priest abuse history.

This was right after the government witness lists were released to the Defense team, so they knew who "snitched". One of the other witness's families had members killed. The Boston Globe ran an article comparing the agent to the corrupt agents on the Whitey Bulger cases, the agencies involved decided they couldn't afford any more "embarassing publicity", so they set the disgraced agent up as a Private Investigator and fed him plum state and federal investigations to work on. I was trapped in that toxicity for almost ten years. I felt like I was held down by my own government while I was exploited and abused. The deep bond between the disgraced agent and my ex-husband made leaving and staying gone all the more treacherous since I had seen the influence they had on different institutions with my own eyes and didn't know who to trust, and I worried about dragging someone less able to navigate and defend themselves into a terrible situation. That's a story for another day, though....