Dom and sub are a group of people who have unmet needs when they were babies.
The babies were upset.
Some of these babies become monster, some of the babies become coward when they grew up.
Previously i thought dom/sub is “factory setting” thing…
Below is the content of a book.
Everyone is manipulator (intentionally or unintentionally).
These techniques can be used for good or bad purpose.
Sub would need to able to recognize these red flags and set a tolerance. (In my opinion, a skillful and Dom wouldnt need to use these technique much, because their aura would enough to make a sub submit)
Dom would need to use this sparingly and didnt hurt sub psycologically
Enjoy reading :)
Gaslighting
This is a manipulative technique that can be described in various ways. These include three key phrases;
● That did not just happen ● You imagined it ● Are you insane?
Well, gaslighting is one of the most common and insidious manipulative tactics because it aims at distorting and eroding people's sense of reality. In other words, it eats away your ability to trust yourself, inevitably disabling you from seeing the justification in calling out your abuser .
How then can you fight back?
The best thing is for you to ground yourself in your reality. One of the ways you can do this is to take time and write down exactly what happened, talk to a friend, or reiterate your experience to a support system that can help you counter the effects of gas lighters.
Projection
Think about it – have you ever met someone so toxic that claims all the mess that surrounds them is your fault and not theirs?
Well, that tactic is referred to as projection.
Well, the truth is that we all have done this at some point in our lives. But the difference between us and narcissists or psychopaths is that they do it a lot. They simply use projection as a defense
mechanism to displace the responsibility of their negative behaviors and qualities by ensuring that they attribute all of it to another person.
What is the solution then?
Well, it's simple – try as much as you can not to project your empathy or sense of compassion onto a toxic individual. Also, you mustn't own any of the toxic person's projections. When you project your conscience and value system onto others, this has a potential outcome of being met with more exploitation.
Generalizations
Let us consider an instance where you tell a coworker that they sometimes fail to consider long-term ramifications of their financial decisions. Then they go ahead and tell everyone that you called them “a loose cannon.” You realize that this might blow up on you if several conditions come in to play. Your psychopath of a colleague goes to the boss and tells them that you said the deal is a “wreck.”
What is going on ?
Well, the truth is that your nemesis did not only understand you, but they also had no interest in understanding you.
One thing you must note is that malignant narcissists are not intellectual masterminds. Most of them are intellectually lazy. Instead of taking the time to consider another person's perspective, they simply choose to generalize everything you say by making a blanket statement that does not consider the nuances of your argument. They choose not to consider the different perspectives you paid homage to.
To counter this, you must hold onto your truth and resist the urge to generalize things. Instead, they realize that they are, in fact, a form of black and white illogical thinking.
Moving goalposts
This is a logical fallacy that abusive psychopaths and narcissists use to ensure that they have every reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you. Even though you offer them all the evidence you need to validate your argument or meet their requests, they will set up another expectation and demand proof.
You must avoid playing such a game. You are the only one that needs to validate and approve yourself. You are enough, and the last thing you want is to let someone make you constantly feel small, deficient, and unworthy.
Changing the subject
When you are discussing something, and someone keeps changing the topic, it sounds innocent enough. However, in the hands of a manipulator, changing the subject is one way to keep off responsibility. A narcissist will not want you to stay on the topic because the last thing they want is you holding them accountable for something. In that case, they will find ways to reroute the discussion to benefit them.
If you are not careful, this sort of thing can go on forever. It can make it impossible to engage in a relevant issue. The best way to counter this is to the user the “broken record technique” when fighting back. In other words, you must keep stating the facts without allowing yourself to yield to distractions.
Each time they redirect the conversation, you must redirect their redirection by saying something along the lines of “That is not what I am talking about – and you know it. Let is stay focused on the real issue here. If you lack interest in this, then you can choose to disengage and spend your time and energy on something a little more constructive.”
Name-calling
Each one of us has been called names at some point in our lives. We have been dealing with this long enough, but that does not make it any less destructive. Trust me, this thing might have started from the time you were in kindergarten, but it goes all the way to the presidential politics!
Even if you have encountered bullies since childhood, you mustn't tolerate it. End any interaction that entails name-calling and tell your manipulator that you will not tolerate it. Don't even try to take it all in – as most people do. Realize that the reason they resort to name-calling is that they are deficient and are trying to distract you from what matters.
Smear campaigns
When a toxic person cannot control the way you perceive yourself, they choose to control how others see you. In other words, they resort to playing the Martyr while everyone around you labels you the toxic one. This is a smear campaign that is only preemptive to ensuring that they tarnish your reputation and slander your name.
Realize that at times, true evil geniuses will choose to divide and conquer – by pitting two or more people against one another.
The last thing you want is to allow them to succeed. You must record all forms of harassment and ensure that you don't rise to the bait. Do not allow their evilness to provoke you into stooping to their level and behaving just like them .
Devaluation
Let us consider an instance where you have been newly appointed the unit manager in your organization. Suddenly, one of your colleagues starts aggressively denigrating the former manager who held your position. Have you experienced this kind of manipulation?
If not, then you know the kind of person you need to beware of. Narcissists do this kind of thing all the time. They will devalue your former boss to you (the new boss). They will devalue their ex to their new partner. Eventually, you start to get the same kind of mistreatment as the narcissist's ex-partner or boss. This is not just for those in the professional fields; it also applies to our personal lives.
The very first step to countering this is by raising your awareness of this phenomenon. Realize that the way someone treats or speaks of another is potentially the same way they treat or speak about you in private or in the future. Be cautious!
Aggressive jokers
The issue is not your sense of humor but the hidden intention of that joke. You will hear a covert narcissist make malicious remarks at your expense. These remarks come in the form of jokes so that they get away with saying appalling things to you, maintain their innocent and cool demeanor. When you raise eyebrows at the kind of insensitivity they have, they accuse you of having no sense of humor.
They will try to convince everyone around that they were just making innocent jokes – even when they know damn straight, they were not!
Triangulation
One smart way toxic people manipulate you and distract you from their nastiness is focusing your attention on the supposed threat of another. This is what we refer to as triangulation. In other words, they report back false information about what another person said. To resist this kind of tactic, you must realize that the third-party in all this drama is being manipulated .
The best trick is to reverse that triangulation or gain support from the other person who is not under the influence of the narcissist.
Everyone has their ideal relationship in their mind, their preferable way in a relationship even in a D/s-ship.
While you couldn’t give what the other party want, it’s difficult for you to ask for what you want..
It goes back to compatability issue, but compatability issue always grey.. especially when it comes to the percentage of 70% ~ 90% meeting your expectation, just left 10% ~ 30% didn’t meet.
At the end, it goes back to what you want at the very beginning before participating.. what’s the one thing which is most important to you and did you get it?
However sometimes human is irrational especially when the thing involve emotion.
That’s one the reason some people prefer to stay away from any relationship and stone in an island. But..
A never ending self-battling.
Abraham Maslow (psycologist) spelled out the basic needs of human as:
Physiological > Safety > love/ BELONGING > Esteem > self-actualization
A Healthy bdsm relationship might able to provide/ fulfill all these mentioned needs.
Vanilla relatiosnhip might also able to provide all these needs, but might not go as deep as and as ultimate as bdsm.
That’s the beauty in bdsm.
The diagram and details:
Hierarchy_of_Needs
Dominant’s job is to push when needed and hold back when appropriate. But if the dominant’s judgement is consistently in favour of hurrying up and the submissive constantly finds themselves struggling to keep up, and not feeling good about that, then there is definitely a problem. Primary criteria of a healthy D/s relationship (or any other kind, really, but in a potentially heightened fashion in D/s) is trust. Anything that erodes trust will strip the safe place and erode the relationship, and rightly so. So a wise dominant has no interest in setting a pace that’s too fast for the submissive to handle, because in the end, that’ll just hasten the demise of the relationship, which in theory at least is not really to anyone’s benefit. But at the same time, if the dominant is too keen on setting a fast pace and the submissive balks, then perhaps all is as it should be.
Note: This was grabbed from Google, i an not the author 🙃
Some say BDSM lifestyle is one way ticket.
I hope this is a lie.
Human has freewill.
The journey of earning dominance is fascinating and satisfiable 😏
That’s one of the most submissive “acts”.
When a sub find that s/he need to earn the dominance gradually, s/he sees Green Flag 😉
Does anyone still remember the story of Mulder "Fox" and Skinner in 24/7?
This is one of the poems in a classic BDSM novel "24/7" written by Xanthe.
Read this novel many years ago, but this poem still strike me 😄 Enjoy reading :)
To Whom It May Concern by David Steinberg
The eyes speak in rivers,
the fingers in trees.
The body has a language all its own:
this time we'll send the interpreter home.
I will open you
petal by petal
taking all the time in the world.
I will build with you a slow fire
stick by stick
and watch the color of your sunrise.
I will play with the wind of you,
cover your body with smiles and games,
promises and fantasies that disappear
without a trace.
I will stir your secret core,
witches' brew of potions and incantations
and feel you simmering, rolling
floating in my hand.
I will fill you slowly up,
every crevice and curve,
watch feel hear smell taste you
growing full.
And when every part of you is one,
when you are saturated, suspended,
water trembling over the brim,
I will ride with you over the falls
drown with you
disappear all boundaries
tumble over and over and over and over
until there is only the spinning dizzy
dance beyond dancing
and the great wave crashing to bits everything,
leaving us strewn with the seaweed
in the sand and the sun to dry...
I wonder is this song written by a Dominant for a submissive?
This is most challenging attachment style.
If you bumped into a Dominant or submissive who has this attachment style, hope this article could clear your doubt 🙂
Avoidant attachment type:
These individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy.
They start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner when emotional closeness displayed. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.
Article:
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/