Just my opinion…

As a Dom, you prefer to be in control.  Granted, sometimes it’s the illusion of control, but you like to be where you are in charge.  When you are in control you can decide how things are going to run, put things in straight lines and create a structure for you sub.  However, all the control in the world cannot protect them from life.  In short, there are things beyond the control of the “big bad Dom” (Umber’s phrase for me when I let my Dom override my humanness)

In her own right, Umber can run her life.  She doesn’t need me absolutely.  Hell, at times, I hear her pouty “you ain’t the boss of me”.  It’s her illusion and it’s cute.  However, she is a very capable woman and can survive very well without me.  With me though, she thrives.  With me she has a little more focus, a little more strength and the safety that I can provide.  All that doesn’t keep life from happening though.  Lately, life has happened- a lot.

One of Umber’s most endearing traits is her ability and willingness to help people.  Away from the eyes of others, I have seen her cry for others pain. (You know the animal charity commercial with that Sarah McLaughlin song- yea that gets turned off) I've watched her put her world on pause to be there for others.  For people she cares about, she will run herself out of spoons and then proceed to use the whole silverware drawer.  However, that comes at a cost.  It’s an amazing thing to behold but maddening as well.  

When she runs headlong into peril or dashes to white knight the hell out of someone else’s problem- it costs her.  When she can’t really fix it, it kills her.  When she can’t affect a positive on the situation, it devastates her.   When enough of the world weighs on her, she struggles.  Then, their problems become my problems.

I don’t like problems- I live for straight lines and a world with less complex solutions.  The key word is: solutions.  Like her, unsolvable and unfixable problems become frustrating to me.  I will do what I can, but I will let go of what I can't fix.  My profession has provided me lots of no-win situations. You do what you can but at the end of the day, even the big bad Dom has to admit-there’s nothing else I can do.

While I have learned to hate the no-win scenario, she won’t accept it.  She ends up struggling.  She comes apart and exhausts herself.  Can I stop her from this?  No, not really.  A Dom with a headstrong creature like Umber only has so many No’s in their arsenal.  After that, I am changing the person that I love.  I refuse to say, I love you, you’re perfect- now change.  I would not restrain her heart for all that the world holds.  

Right now, she’s struggling.  She’s far from me, having gone- initially- to have a good time with her bestie. That shifted to getting things together to help that friend move.  More chaos has ensued. In a line for an event, she takes a call from one half of a couple she’s expending serious energy on- I have opinions but again it’s her heart that’s leading us. Things have gone very wrong with that situation, in fact wrong enough that I’m practically triaging a person over the phone from the pool. 

Umber does as much as she can, takes a breath, drinks a monster and returns to her waiting in line.  Her anxiety is ratcheting up.  In that same line- her best friend takes a call that her parent has died.  In that same line, funeral discussions, lack of insurance and finances- the long and short in the length of wait for an event (lets say 30 minutes) two difficult and emotionally draining situations.  Add in a little family drama- a bit of illness and Umber’s desire to inflict injury on her best friend's ex-boyfriend who had joined them in the line… and..,, and… and... So, before noon, she is struggling.  

The Dom in me wants to protect her, to help her, to keep her structure and keep her safe.  Before the day began, we went through the whole hydrate, medicate and nourish routine.   Neither of us sleeps well without co-sleeping or actually being able to share our bed.  So, she’s running on a lot less sleep.  She’s struggling already - then add in the tragedy that played out the waiting queue… She’s checking in and I know that check in is what’s keeping her centered.  I tease her about hydration, she’s drank two bottles of water.  She’s had an incredibly healthy lunch- in a location where bad food choices are prevalent.

I am here and she knows I am.  I will let her handle things (most the time) I will catch her before she falls. I will watch over her.  Eventually, she will stop and seek comfort and rest.  I am here and she knows I am, I will let her tackle the world and be the strength that she needs when she runs out of steam.  

That’s hard isn’t it.

Through my fault or I’m sorry.

think of all the ways you can say it… 

hey I fucked up

i apologise 

im sorry

forgive me

I regret

I take full responsibility 

I own this

It’s my fault

i am so remorseful 

have mercy on an idiot’s soul… if he had one

“I know what you want. I know what you need, better than you do…” From Beauty Has Her Way - Mummy Calls

I was reading a blog and it made reference to Doms using that phrase, "I know what you need”.  And I had a few random thoughts.   On the surface that does sound pompous.  Assuming that somehow you have a better knowledge of a person’s needs than they do does seem conceited.  When a Dom that you don’t know, on the internet says that to you, that is a red flag.  However, hear me out here, sometimes you do know what someone needs better than they do.

Ok before you brand me insta-dom, let me give you a couple of examples.  Umber is a brilliant, creative, passionate individual but often she struggles with focus.  When she is able to focus, all that becomes a laser and we joke that the cosmos “nerfed” her to keep her from conquering it all.  When that focus comes, you let her harness it.  Interrupting that hyperfocus results in her shutting down completely and reacting with rage chipmunk vibes.  However, while hours are passing, I do know what she needs better than she does.  Her cirkul will appear filled on her desk.  The magical bento box suddenly fills itself and finds its way within her reach.  Her meds appear on her keyboard, I have seen her look at them pause, take them and return to her focus.  Minimally, intrusive actions can happen, which can include adding a few random reminders to her calendar, like stretch, go to the bathroom.. She very clearly knows what she wants- uninterrupted progress during a hyper focus, but I know what she needs. 

Now let’s spin this with kink.  Ever seen a sub in subspace?  Will they safeword? Well, probably not.  It’s a remarkable thing to watch them float back down.  I am not convinced red is a colour at that moment either.  They need a safe place to land as they return to us mere mortals.  (The serene countenance is what makes me equate some sexual encounters with a religious experience. )  They need safety, but may not understand anything but that quiet minded euphoria.  A dom worth his salt, knows what they need, better than they do.  Part of what, in my opinion, makes a good dom is an awareness of what their sub needs.  

So, could it also be that when delivered in person, the phrase ‘I know what you need’ can be a conversation starter.  This is of course if you can read the situation.  ( before you think that’s a pickup line- I admit it could be.) However, there are always women like my little queen that will say “oh nice line!”  Or “Does that usually work?”  Or my favorite, “great then you will be leaving me alone?”  But, I think what the blog writer was expressing frustration with was the pompous ick.   If you believe it and she doesn’t (or if she’s not at least willing to suspend disbelief) this is a very bad idea.  Your confidence looks like conceit and whatever charm you have is worthless.  This is not something you say without an inkling of someone’s intent or interest.  Without a read, ie randomly on the internet, this will probably go very badly.  She has every right to tell you off, or in Umbers case, verbally eviscerate the offending party.

All of that said, I do say I know what you need.  Hell, I have left a little trail of post it notes using the above quoted lyrics.  Will I stop telling the little queen that I know what she needs? Not as long as she looks amused and asks, “ Oh and what is that?”  That’s years of her being willing to listen to my corny lines.  However, would I message a complete stranger that? No.. 

This morning Umber and I found ourselves in a discussion about what she called marketability.  She wasn’t talking about her worth specifically, but rather the likelihood she could find a new Dom.  She stressed how difficult it would be for her to find a new Dom vs me finding a new sub.  

I was perplexed at first but in the end I think she is right.  Not because she isn’t amazing, but she’s not late twenties, size 5 and inexperienced.  I remind her that she isn’t an experienced sub and she laughs.  I get her point.  I’m in my late 50s, financially secure, in pretty good shape.  No ex wife no children.  Whatever- but that’s “marketable”  in a man.

I remind her that she doesn’t need to even be considering a new Dom, but my attempt to derail this conversation fails.  Like many magnificent women over the dread 40 she exists in a world that too often tells her that she’s not beautiful because she’s not 20 something.  She’s not a size 1 and not a long legged creature and doesn’t have a tiny waist and huge breasts.  

I can tell my Umber has a bee in her bonnet (I tell her that often).  The silence sits a bit until I can ask her what the real issue is.  What makes a beautiful  woman stop feeling sexy?  

she pulls a face and says ‘the next person to tell me I’m “cute” will be cleaning vomit off them.’  I shouldn’t laugh but I can’t help it.
 But you are cute, in a murderous chipmunk kind of way.

-glare-

ok sorry, what’s going on?

From here she launches into a very impassioned defense of the sexual merits of women over that 45.  Still, they are too often overlooked by men their own age.  

I have to think, am I guilty of this?  There’s a different standard of language for women of her age.  The word mature becomes a heavy label.  I think I also see it when men of my age seek women much younger.  There is a vitality and for a moment we can relive some idealistic version of our younger selves.  This isn’t me but I’m sure that’s how it works.

Still, I wish I could change the world for her.  To go back in time before self doubt crept into her. But for now I will keep telling her - hoping to convince her that she’s amazing and sexy and funny and beautiful - my god she is beautiful.  

I love her curves and live for her sarcastic banter.  I adore the mind that goes from angelic fluff to wicked dark.  She and so many like her, should never be overlooked because of a number.  It’s a crime.  You are not unmarketable, you are rare and should be treasured.  Umber darling, are you listening?

This is a bad idea, but hell,  why not-

come let me be your confessor?

“2024 is almost over, so RESPECTFULLY confess something you've wanted to tell me. It will be between us.

~Put this as your status and see who surprises you.~ Hoping I don't regret doing this.”

inbox me with one thing you’ve wanted to tell me.

I am not expecting a lot of takers but hell this gets the challenge to spread by posting- great!

the original post is here:

https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=117847

Another year almost done.  I think I’m closing this one with resolve.  Most people look to the new year with images of fresh starts and renewed beginnings.  Resolutions and the likes- many of which won’t make it into February seem weak compared to my goals. I think for the new year, I want a slow building.

 In a very difficult way, I have become a father.  It’s to a precocious 9 year old that stole my heart the day she was born.  Being her Unkiden has been a treasure.  She’s an amazing kid but while I was a great uncle, I’m afraid I’m going to be a lousy Dad.  Whatever the title I am resolute- I will be the best that I can be for her.  Slowly and surely

My personal relationships are a bit rocky.  A dear friend has proven to me that I’m not worthy of their effort.  I don’t blame them, I can be a black hole for spoons.  In the coming year, if there’s a way to recover that friendship I will seek to do so.  Without that bond, I see little else for us.

My true north remains that.  Or rather her star becomes harder to see with the clouds of turmoil that keep her from my sight.  Still, true north is immutable.  The compass may shift as energies shift.  Still, she is there.. the line through the core of the world that determines my orbit.  Miles and time are all that keep me from that.  I am resolute that all my promises will be kept even if I’m not sure how.  

It’s December though and I miss her pout, her smile, her laughter, the threats against my person but also the feel of her. While that may seem shallow, the feel of her goes beyond limits of her body,  I’d be a liar to say I don’t miss our physical intimacy, I do.  I crave her like an addict.  Still, that’s not the feel of her I’m referring to.  I don’t feel her here.  The house is not warmed by her instead it has become liminal space. I am resolute that that will change in this coming year.

To quote her second favorite English ginger, “There’s nothing under the tree, that I wished for…”

In a few days I celebrate one more trip around the sun.  I will break out my list of intentions and recap the year.  Checking progress towards my goals, I believe that 2024 was not productive towards those goals set last December.  I could have had no idea the catastrophic events that awaited.  Umber says 2024 looked at 2020 and said hold my beer.  

2020 was horrible globally-  professionally it was burnout.  2021 saw hope for the world at large but more loss on the personal level.  2022 is a blur empty and lost… 2023 had such promise and despite the learning curve, by December of 2023 and beginning of 2024, I found myself happier than I had ever been. 
By mid February, nothing of that remained and the next several months became a hellscape.  Then summer came and so very briefly I had hope… before summer drew to a close - near death experiences and paradigm shifts.  Now, it’s December and I wish for the gift I unwrapped last Christmas morning. In all that it was, there was hope.  I am thankful for it, because 2024 almost destroyed it.  I am resolute that I will return to joy and there is still hope even when I know there is also despair.  I am resolute.

After an upsetting morning. My little Queen was venting.  I maybe the more physically intimidating one, but the little feral feisty ones are *fierce*.  

but

Well 

maybe I can make this blog into something more cohesive later, but right now- I’m reminding her-

Gotta respect the HBIC.

Several people were curious about Umber’s list.  She asked that I post it. She thought it would be helpful for me to show what I/we selected.  At her request, I am willing to discuss why these items specifically.  The items on the list are not judgements nor should they indicate such.  This is private and her willingness to share is brave in my opinion.

This is the list that we agreed would begin the process of creating our structure.  This whole process was us discussing her needs and my requirements.  This list will be our structure until items are habit.  This is not set in stone.  I did not include the punishment/penalty or rewards in this blog.  I am well aware of when she is not going to be able to create certain tasks and any Dom

if anyone is interested in how this is set-up in Obedience, let me know and I can get you that information

please note: our dynamic is not TPE and we do not identify as M/s.  More intimate training details have been omitted and though I am willing to discuss overall ideas/suggestions.  Umber’s specific tasks are not being shared to maintain the trust and intimacy of our dynamic.

if you have a question about why things were selected or my process, make a comment.  I will not answer any questions that will make my sub uncomfortable.  

**********

Self Care:

Shower -minimum 4x a week-

Hydration - 64oz (if it doesn’t have calories we will count it) HOWEVER 16 oz must be straight water.

intake - at LEAST 1500 calories 

Physical improvement 

step counts not less 7000 in any day
Workouts 4/wk

Recovery

5min each/ per day

rib stretching 

abdominal breathing 

pushing out

Emotional support 

Pick three things to tell me about during our wind down call- you may want to log a reminder of each and how it made you feel.  I will be asking specifically about how you felt.  Be ready to discuss this.

Dream/goal setting 

No less than 30 minutes writing per day- journal, blog or book progress.  Anything that is putting -thoughts- on a page.  

Your to do list is due to me no later than 9am cst.  

Spicy task- varies weekly

**********

Let us know if there is something you’d like to discuss with us.  We consider ourselves part of this community and am happy to help.  

This song wandered into my random- wasn’t expecting to react as I did.  Still a good song

I was given this advice concerning a relationship.  I wonder about this a great deal.  Is it even possible to go back to the beginning?

when you have been in a relationship or dynamic, you have had the opportunity to get to know someone on a different level.  This is should be a deeper connection and there is knowledge I have that I can’t unknow.  

Going back to the beginning doesn’t include the heady feelings that come with the firsts.  You don’t get to make the discoveries and find the surprises.  

In my struggle with a recent illness, I lashed out at a person I hold dear..  I own that error and have apologised.  While there are reasons it was beyond my control, it damaged the relationship just the same.  I’m attempting to rebuild trust and am struggling with “back to the  beginning”.  It’s harder to be just her friend again.  I am told to think of things in terms of things before we were lovers.  It’s hard to avoid re-assuming the role of her Daddy and her Dom.  

Friends after so much more, is hard.  I know she is worth it and although I’m not sure where to go from here.  I know that back to the beginning is not  something I can do with ease.