Just my opinion…

I was just in NY and staying in a hotel.  It was a king size bed.  It’ was too big though.  The irony is the bed at home is much larger.  

I know she’s feeling it too.  She was at an event Saturday evening, she wasn’t feeling social.  For me she feels so bloody far away.

so when she reached out because something was making her uncomfortable; (someone) I could tease and talk to her, but could offer no comfort. 

I made her laugh and that had to be enough.  I want to put myself between her and anything that upsets her.  I am her safe place, but right now even further away than usual.  

she’s on a plane tonight but not coming home to me.  Closer but not quite.  The Dom i. me needs to protector her and care for her. It’s hard to do, hours away  The frustration grows and so do the restless feelings.  

She needs to feel sheltered and I need to know she’s safe.  I crave the peace that comes from her head against my chest and my hand stroking her hair.  I miss the way she taps out the rhythm of my heartbeat with her fingertip against my chest. I think we both need to recharge.because this bleeding bed is too fecking big.

Very often, I am in one state and Umber in another.  Life often conspires to make that time apart longer than I care for and it’s going to get harder and harder to make time together happen.

I suck at long distance relationships.  Life gets busy and chaotic.  I’ll call later becomes I didn’t call but I will tomorrow.  Before you know it you’ve drifted apart.  Long distance is hard. I’m determined that won’t happen this time.  

There are things we do to keep things together.    I am a creature of habit. I find myself building routines that include her. If I am there 7am est is teatime. When I am here teatime is 6am but it’s 7am for her.  Normally, Umber is either- it’s five am oh my gosh time to get up and bounce through my day or it’s 10am and the only thing between you and your eminent demise is this monster ultra.  So, giving her structure because of my teatime helps (like most subs, she’ll do things for me that she won’t do for herself).  

So, when I am here- of late- morning tea is spent FaceTiming while I go through my calendar and she is putting together her task list.  She snaps a picture and sends it to me.  Then she’ll ask what my day looks like.  I give her an overview even though she has access to my calendar.  

It’s mundane and maybe a bit boring.  However, there’s so much I can tell in the mundane things.  She’s been fight some challenges lately.  I can tell from that morning ritual if they are getting to her.  The first greeting, sometimes quiet, sometimes cross and sometimes so bouncy I can feel her vibrate from here says a lot.  I gauge it and I’ve learned her.   I start my day with her.  I end my day with her.  300 miles or so away but I know where her head is. 
There are things we are still working out but I would love advice or suggestions on making this work.  Long distance isn’t easy but miles should be the only distance.

Umber has very particular ways of voicing her displeasure. I get either the angry chipmunk or another clever threat to my existence. This morning, it was the latter.

Today, I was lecturing her about self care (again).  She’s pulling faces, so I ask what has her distracted?

her: trying to figure out how to ask you for a favor, Sir

me: Angel , what is it? (She never asks for anything so I’m curious)

her: Well, I’ll need you to take your shirt off.

me: not a problem, but why

her: I need to measure your back for my new hobby.

me: oh. (New hobby… not surprised) so what is this new hobby?

her: Anthropodermic bibliopegy- like book binding.

I’m struggling a bit.  My head is breaking down Latin- dermic means skin and biblio is book.  Book binding… skin.. Bloody hell woman…

I shake my head and rub my forehead as she begins to giggle.. yes she got me again- but how the fuck does she know this stuff???

me: maybe you should take up knitting again

She erupts into laughter.

Tonight, I am wondering if fate is throwing challenges in my way to make me work for it or to caution me away from her.

one of those songs she’s played on repeat has a line..

I'm sitting eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind. Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life… 

So life divided us again… responsibility here- keeps me here and her responsibilities there keep her there.  Sure there could be play sessions and maybe a weekend here or there but it’s not what either of us want.  The dynamic is there, the fire is there, hell maybe even love- but the bleeding logistics make this nearly impossible.  

I take a breath.  I suck at long distance relationships.  If it were just the distance, I’d do it all in a heartbeat.  Things here though, need more than just my presence- they need my focus. I will be basically raising a child.  While it would be easier with her, she has her own battles and she is (I know she hates to hear this) fragile in health.  These are not things she should add.  I can’t make my responsibilities her responsibilities over her own.

It’s not the first time we’ve been pulled apart eventually we find our way back.  This time was so damn close to the forever- next time we’ll have to make it there.

I am not a patient man.  I wish I were; I always want things to happen just a little faster.  I hate lines. I hate loading screens, and if everyone walked around with thought balloons over their heads so I wouldn't have to guess what they really want or are thinking, I could be a happy man. They don't though.  So, I need patience.

There are things you have to wait for.  There are things that are worth that wait. Dynamics (or any relationship) are like that.  Playmates are amazing; not a criticism.  Scenes can be anticipated, negotiated and can be satisfying. Still, there is something deeper.  For that, you have to wait.

If you train a sub, you need patience. In someways it is like raising a child.  You teach them your rules, you lead them, you care for them and sometimes you discipline them.  If you like the challenge of a “brat” you discipline them a great deal.  It all takes patience.  

Along the way you build trust.  When you have the same ‘playmate’ over and over, you learn things and they will too.  You learn preferences; you understand needs. That takes time and patience.

 When you negotiate a scene or play session, you get a snapshot of what wants and limits exist.  It’s only a brief moment though, it often changes.  Still, you talk it over and hammer it out.  I want this or she needs that or no way am I changing your diaper- limits. (No kink shaming just an example of a limit for me).  I can’t read your mind- so let’s sit down and discuss things.  The effort to negotiate takes patience.

There are so many things and preferences that you don’t learn there.  Those things build richer interactions.  You learn things about yourself and yourself with them.   Example: I don’t think of myself as primal, but closing the front door, saying to her “run” and chasing her through the house has a new found appeal.  Learning the things she deeply desires and how they affect me has taken time and patience.  Learning when her bratting is in fun and when it’s a cry for attention that she doesn’t know how to ask for- that takes patience.  

I still wish we had thought balloons sometimes, but I want to know what she’s thinking.  I still hate that tea takes 3 minutes to steep but I won’t drink instant.  I can’t cook everything on high because I don’t want to wait but then am disappointed with burnt grilled cheese.  I can’t demand the richness of full dynamic with only minimal investment. If I want something amazing, I have to take one step at a time. I can’t bring out the best in her or the best in me without patience.

 I swear I’m learning, but it takes patience.

Brought to me by a cute little redhead with nothing on but my shirt and the marks from last night.  

Ah.. Earl Grey steeped 2 minutes no sugar no cream and certainly no lemon.

There are so many ways to claim a sub.  All the ways to mark skin. Bruises from impact, bite marks, welts, even writing my name or the word mine.  All the marks- Do you have a favorite and why? 

I am leaving this here

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms
We're going down
And you can see it too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burning room
I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw
I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
'Cause you can't understand
We're going down
And you can see it too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burning room
Go cry about it, why don't you?
Go cry about it, why don't you?
Go cry about it, why don't you?
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room
Burning room
Burning room
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we should have learned somehow?
Dont you think we oughta know by now?
Dont you think we should have learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we should have learned somehow?

Songwriters: John Clayton Mayer

I tested positive for Covid.  I wandered here.  I stayed out of the way, posted random blogs and talked about my cat, my inability to cook and talked to a few people.  I lurked a bit, read blogs and thought what an odd little place.

Nearly two years later, I wandered back.  Just before I got COVID again.  I read blogs, lurked a bit, wandered into chat, talked to a few people, played Yoko to a friends’s relationship (he picked the Beatles reference). Posted a few angry blogs, sparred in the chatroom, talked about the new cat, my inability to cook and got myself blocked by a few people.

similar but not the same.  Maybe I should get a dog and learn to cook.  Change it up a bit.

I didn't wash that shirt

the one you wore

barelegged in my new kitchen

unaware of my gaze 

making french toast

talking like this was nothing

not out of the ordinary at all

I told you that you were beautiful

you laughed without reservation

without pity "Oh Aiden you are nuts"

everything and nothing

when that little boy 

slept on my chest

and you looked away

It was December 

neither; wanted to alone

to feel it all

losing the world in an Albany snow

the flight you missed

the impromptu christmas

of gingerbread and popcorn 

a pillow fight 

But you went home

and I didn't stop you