We are told a cookie cutter life is what we should strive for since childhood. When someone goes against this and trains you to realize that life is so much bigger than this black and white thinking. You crave to have this life. It is so different, so deep, so loving, and accepting. That's when the real fun begins.
I was exposed to it early on, making me unique. Being unique came with its struggles though. It caused confusion, constant understanding and growth, and to become strong. It was tiring to say the least. I wanted so much out of life. True happiness and bliss.
I tried to be open to dynamics. I tried in person dynamics, I tried long distance across countries, I tried online. Nothing ever felt right because I always felt like I had to suppress desires. I had enough.
I started thinking the lifestyle wasn't for me. It didn't matter how freeing and happy it made me feel. So I searched in the vanilla community for a husband and that cookie cutter lifestyle. In no time at all, I found someone. I tried expressing and bringing up the lifestyle. In hopes to get everything out of life I could. He saw me as a kinky bitch that likes sex. After explaining time and time again. I suppressed as he didn't understand and I was in to deep already.
Suppression is a tricky game that ultimately fails. When your true desires start coming to light. Like a moth to a flame, I felt lured back to the lifestyle. I needed it, I craved it, I wanted it.
How can I be selfish though, I've created a vanilla life. I can't go back. I can't stop. Or can I?
True desires will always be apart of my life, they will always be in my head and I will always be seeking until I can find it.
What do I do?