Fantasy writing

So if you've read my blogs before, you probably understand by now how much bdsm and the overall lifestyle has impacted and continues to mean to me. 

Now with that being said, I was looking at collars; like actual heavy duty collars and just fantasizing right but the comments caught my eye. "Cute necklace", "it doesn't come off easy, weird", and "I love this choker" are some examples. 

Im not sure if im the only one who thinks like this or maybe even cares. However life has taught me we are rarely alone in our feelings. So as im scrolling these comments on a vanilla site. My heart sinks at every person who is complaining, using it as fashion, or even simply just saying its weird.

How I was taught to think about collaring in the bdsm lifestyle, is its essentially equal to marriage in the vanilla world. These two share the biggest thing, which to my understanding is a commitment that is made after proving, showing, expressing, working hard, etc that you wanna fully commit and tell the world that person is mine and i am theres. 

Maybe im dramatic... however I don't see people wearing wedding rings for sport. In fact in alot of places they actually look down on people who put rings on their ring finger without being married. I guess i just wish it was the same for bdsm. However if feels like no matter how amazing this lifestyle is, vanilla people will always target, misunderstand, or just blantly judge while stealing customs from the lifestyle...

Thank you for reading, again not to sure if ill find someone who feels the same. I just always feel protective of the lifestyle as its saved my life multiple times and its sad to see people mock it and nothing happens. However when other cultures/lifestyles are mocked theres an uproar. When will it be our turn to just come out of the shadows and be seen and heard without fearing death,abuse,judgement, etc...

Alot of people grow up with an idea of how they desperately want their lives to be or what they will do in their life to remain happy. However i find a common thread in each and every person. Those desires, ideas, etc tend to change with age. 

Since i was a small child, I've alwaya dreamt of being a mom and having children. With this idea, I promised myself id ever be a young mom, as i was put under the care of people in their 50s when i was 2.5. They never had time... 

When i was originally introduced to all things bdsm, my life changed forever except 1 thing. Mothorhood, and kids at a young age. When I tried to find a partner that marked all the boxes, i was quick to simply give up as I couldnt ever find someone.

Someone who wanted and knew everything i did, should i restart and train a dom? Should i go 10 years older? Should i compromise? Should i surpress....

Bingo! I met someone and due to my exhaustion chose to surpress my need to be a 24/7 slave. In the hopes of motherhood, after all having kids for women is a ticking time bomb and its better and safer to do it sooner. Where as serving in a 24/7 setting could happen at anytime. 

Guilt.... why do i feel so damn guilty for this fantasy i have of irl servitude. I have it online to the best of my sir and I's time and my husband knows and is fine with it. So why not me? Why do i feel like I'm ruining everyones life, when everyone tells me they are happy and okay?

Is it because I am my worst enemy? Is it because my soul desperately knows my eagerness to serve? Maybe, its because my brain knows a perfect person doesnt exist in the way of turning back time and redoing everything. However my heart knows im doing the best i can and nothing is truly forever if change is needed. 

Now if you have read this entire tiring and you are 40 or older, i have some questions but please understand its soely for education and in no way meant to sound judgmental. This are simply things im concerned about and am curious about insight.

Whats scene play like to you?

Do you feel your body cant take as much as maybe it once did?

Is it hard finding partners/dynamics?

And for all of you who do answer, i wanna thank you right off the bat, feel free to leave advice aswell as i love hearing other perceptives

24/7 Service Submission

Some Context:

I entered into a non sexual online dynamic because I needed help staying consistent and accountable. Which at first it was amazing, I could feel my sub space again. The dom, My dom, he is great but can be super busy sometimes. After starting the dynamic, I realized very fast the urge to make him happy, proud, get his attention, etc continued to grow and grow. Now this is the problem; the dynamic is structured more as a friendship/mentorship then romantic relationship.

First problem:

I want more, I want him to control me, I crave 24/7 to any extent. I crave his attention, approval, his time. However, i have done nothing to earn it. I realized this today, I haven't earned anything. Sir has been so kind,patient, and helpful to me. What have I done for him? NOTHING. This made me cry, I've been so selfish, so focused on finally having someone there to help me in so many ways. Yet, what have I done for him? No wonder he is always busy or stressed....

Second problem:

This type of dynamic is closer to a M/S dynamic. However, not fully; simply because Sir still wants/needs a live in. Which I can not provide as im a married mom (yes my husband is aware i have a dom and no he does not care). "the nature of our dynamic we discussed was mainly to do check ins." I find this to be constantly confusing because I wanna serve to my full extent, I want to be used to please him, I want to be a good slave. However that is not what this dynamic is. 

Third problem:

Sir and I are both poly, however I don't beileve Sir wants me. Yet, my feelings for him continue to grow and turn into a craving. I've already told him, I enjoy his voice. When I hint to a possible relationship or the possibility of more, it gets shut down because I'm not fully what he wants. This is hard because I love our dynamic but I struggle to tame myself. I struggle to not voice what I'm thinking. I struggle with boundaries.... 

I feel I have crossed so many lines, been a bad sub, useless, and selfish.... and at this point I don't even feel worthy enough for him but I also dont wanna lose him 😔 I think im in sub drop but if you read this, please leave anything helpful in your opinon and thank you for your time. I hope you have a wonderful day ❤️

From the beginning we are created with some type of structure. Rules, boundaries, tasks, etc are all slowly laid out for us as we get older. Some of us don't get this, or only get fractures of this. Leaving us to crave more.

My sub space, is my comfort. I overthink, why am I not good enough, why did I have to become like this, etc. When I have a strong present dom, he takes these thoughts away. The embrace of his warmth or the sound of his voice to just bring me back and keep me safe. 

A dom is important to me because he knows,cares, and helps me. Sometimes my slave sub comes out more. Sometimes without him, I feel empty, useless, unfulfilled. Just the thought of him, or a strong person in general helps me feel better. 

Am I weak? No of course not, my mind is my biggest enemy at times. Just because I prefer to have someone help me battle this and other stuff. Doesn't mean I'm incapable, however it can become stronger than me. When left unattended and I am left alone.

Maybe this is why I hate being alone, what do you think?

Should I go into more detail?

We are told a cookie cutter life is what we should strive for since childhood. When someone goes against this and trains you to realize that life is so much bigger than this black and white thinking. You crave to have this life. It is so different, so deep, so loving, and accepting. That's when the real fun begins.

I was exposed to it early on, making me unique. Being unique came with its struggles though. It caused confusion, constant understanding and growth, and to become strong. It was tiring to say the least. I wanted so much out of life. True happiness and bliss.

I tried to be open to dynamics. I tried in person dynamics, I tried long distance across countries, I tried online. Nothing ever felt right because I always felt like I had to suppress desires. I had enough.

I started thinking the lifestyle wasn't for me. It didn't matter how freeing and happy it made me feel. So I searched in the vanilla community for a husband and that cookie cutter lifestyle. In no time at all, I found someone. I tried expressing and bringing up the lifestyle. In hopes to get everything out of life I could. He saw me as a kinky bitch that likes sex. After explaining time and time again. I suppressed as he didn't understand and I was in to deep already.

Suppression is a tricky game that ultimately fails. When your true desires start coming to light. Like a moth to a flame, I felt lured back to the lifestyle. I needed it, I craved it, I wanted it.

How can I be selfish though, I've created a vanilla life. I can't go back. I can't stop. Or can I? 

True desires will always be apart of my life, they will always be in my head and I will always be seeking until I can find it.

What do I do?