Looking for Myself

Seven years ago I was introduced into the world of BDSM/kink. Fresh from an abusive relationship and having been raised in a household who's values were that of patriarchal servant leadership, I didn't really have any foundation for the dominant (female) position I found myself in. 

My boyfriend (now husband) wanted to share his interests with me. I, wanting to be sure what he was asking was safe, was very careful. Between my caution and his patience we grew, we learned, we loved. I love him all the more for his patience and understanding. He let me move at my centimeter by centimeter pace and never pushed anything that I said I wasn't comfortable with. He understood that I needed to approach things I wasn't sure about in my own way and to have the freedom to put it down and come back to it later (or never) if I wasn't sure. 

Now, I am comfortable in the dominant I have become. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever felt. I am grateful that my slave opened this world to me because it was missing. Looking back, I can see it, I see the sparks of who I was to become. At the time I would never have guessed that this is who I would be but I am happy to be here.

My slave and I had been, until the last month or so, enjoying a fairly consistant everyday Mistress/slave routine. However with our upcoming move coming closer and the preparations taking over all of our time I find that our preffered lifestyle has fallen to the wayside. I find that I miss it a lot. I am the dominant in our relationship, I miss the power exchange, I miss the feeling of domination and the power that I have over my slave.

I have also felt a lack of satisfaction. One of the most satisfying parts of a scene for me as a dominant is the aftercare that I provide for my slave. His need for my strength and affection. I hope that when we have settled into our new place after this move we will be able to return to the Mistress/slave dynamic. I hate to think that this disruption could be a permenant (or semi-perminant) one.

Life recently has been very stressful, another aspect of the transition and the consequential shelving of our BDSM dynamic is that his chronic pain has increased dramatically. I feel impotent. Watching him dealing with his pain and physical difficulty is a heavy burden for me. I want to sweep him off his feet and carry him to a chair or the bed, do everything for him so that he doesn't have to worry or stress but can just rest. However I can't it is neither practical, nor is it healthy as it would further injure his pride. But it is frustrating to watch my Sweet suffer so when it is my place to protect him and care for him.

My kink life has been slowly overtaking my private life. My slave and I have been branching into lifeatlye and less session based BDSM. Very recently I find myself more willing to give him orders and treat him as my property. 

However, I still struggle with my family culture. I grew up in a very nuclear, patriarchal family and forcing my spouse to submit to me is uncomfortable a lot of the time. He craves for me to take charge and "put him in his place" and I want to satisfy his needs, but there are times when I feel my subconscious self recoiling from it, and from the pleasure I derive from it.