This is quite difficult to do but I will anyway to make sure that others might recognise abusive behaviour by what they assume is their Dominant. This is the first of 2 parts and this is simply because I need time to go through it all and it is still painful to think about all this.
So I met this girl when I was 16, I’ll refer to her as M, and we became great friends over the course of a year. Both of us on the same school meant it was easy to link up and relate to each other, when I was about 17 we got into a relationship. It was very loving and affectionate at this point, slowly building up more physical contact (e.g. kissing, hugging, cuddling) while we talked a lot and spend a lot of time together.
This was particularly a period in which I was extremely happy and felt great about myself. What I didn’t know is that I slowly became dependant on M for some decisions, this was most likely my submissive side coming out and trying to rely on her, and she liked it.
Over the course of the upcoming month we slowly got into kink and it felt good, I was able to be myself and explore myself while she did the same. It was a period in which we tried a lot of different things that have to do with bdsm like chocking, flogging, whipping, bondage, etc.
Then, when I turned 18 I moved into an apartment with M. We were both students and all was well. At some point however she started manipulating me, my friendships and the time I was allowed to be outside of the house. To me this all seemed reasonable because it was slowly built up.
It all started with not being allowed to go outside without permission. Eventually not allowed to meet with friends and family and after about three weeks of that I wasn’t allowed to talk to them. This meant I got estranged from them and they did not know what was going on.
A short time after that I was only allowed to leave the apartment to go to school, M would drop me off and pick me up every day. From the moment I got into the car I had to wear a collar and leash, something that made me feel good at first. Behaviour got steadily worse, however.
I remember waking up one particular morning on the floor of the “playroom” with blood stained beneath my nose, only realising that since there was a mirror in the room, and no recollection of what happened the night before. I still do not know what went down that night. When I tried to walk out of the room I realised the door was locked, so I called out to M. The only thing I got was a “Shut up” from the other room and so I did.. and waited. I don’t know exactly how much time passed between that and her coming in, but it sure felt like eternity. Was smacked in the face first thing and then told to go make her breakfast.
When I had done so I was not allowed to eat and forced to sit at her feet, watching her eat. She then said this one thing that I will most likely remember for ever; “Vanaf nu slaap je in die kamer, begrepen?” Which means “From now on you will sleep in that room, clear?”
The girl I loved said that I would only be allowed to sleep in OUR bed once a week if I behaved properly during said week..
Yet I went with it.
After this things stayed the same for some weeks, I was simply not allowed to do anything without her knowing, and often M would not allow me to go outside. Some days there was physical torture, making me wonder whether I had broken some bones every now and then. Other days I was just tied to a wall with a collar, a chain and a padlock to keep me there, if it even was just a single day.
When I spoke up about it I got beaten, I should’ve been happy to be treated like this, I should be grateful is what she said, and I started believing so as time went on.
I will continue this later..