Licking and Kicking

No one ever told me

how hard it is to transition

from being in a D/s 

to being alone 

Once you experience

the satisfaction of serving

and offering them your all

knowing you are theirs

Once you experience

their proud smiles

and nods of approval

and loving glances

Once you experience

their first kiss

that feels like home 

and you are told you are theirs 

Once you experience 

the exceptional pain

of their loving strike

that numbs your mind

Once you offer yourself

with no shame or thought

naked and lost in a moment

experiencing one another

Once you receive

their tender aftercare 

and sleep warmly 

embraced in their arms 

It is impossible to go back

You are forever changed

You have found your true self

Where is my Dominant?

I'm traveling with my youngest- visiting the university she will begin attending in August.  We are in a foreign country, in a big city.  I've been quietly watching her as she navigates the foreign streets and embraces new cultures.  She walks with confidence amongst the skyscrapers. She opens herself to new people, growing by leaps and bounds. 

When did my pigtailed, missing tooth kiddo become this young woman?  I recall holding her hand in our little New England town- keeping her safe from harm.  She's outgrown all of that now.  She's outgrown her current life and so have I.

My house will be going on the market soon.  I'll be moving to a new community where I don't know anyone.  Like my youngest child, I hope to grow by leaps and bounds. I will walk with confidence. I will be okay and so will she.

I'm thinking too much.  Terrified yet exhilarated.  I'm preparing to venture into my future alone and making big changes in 2024.  New home.  Possibly a new career.  After 25 years I'll finally be free to make choices for myself and the sky is the limit.  

Rationally I know I have been on my own for many years and have always managed well.  If anything I should be feeling less encumbered- less terrified.  But now I see that having the responsibilities of children  forced me to get up and go to work, to cook and clean and show up.  It made me choose only the best partners, and to leave bad relationships.  What will happen now and can I continue on my own, with no little eyes watching my every move?  Will I let depression overwhelm me?  Will I continue to show up?  Will I fly or will I crash and burn?  Where has my confidence gone and why do I feel crippled by the very changes I have been longing for?

Maybe this is what a midlife crisis feels like.  Yes, tonight I am thinking too much.

I overheard two couples today while in a department store.  Each could not have been more different, and they caused me to examine my own history and what I desire for a future dynamic. 

The first conversation occurred in the dressing room next to mine.  A man doted on his wife as she tried on dresses for an event.  He gathered different colors and sizes for her.  He zipped her carefully so as not to snag her hair.  When she finally asked him to enter the dressing room as she tried on the last few he expressed discomfort but went along to please her.  Being the kinky sort I am this caught my ear and I was expecting some sordid tomfoolery.  I was wrong, it was completely G-rated.  What I heard was her openly express to him her insecurities about her body and how she looked.  This man could not have been more loving and supportive.  He was honest, but kind and encouraging.  She was sad about the effect that age was having on her breasts and he mentioned how great her arms looked.  It was nothing short of beautiful and their love of many decades was evident.  He saw this woman as so much more than just her outer shell.  

The second conversation occurred as I was waiting in line to pay.  The man was brutal to his partner.  He expressed his displeasure for the line, for the garment she chose to purchase, for the price she was willing to pay, and for having to accompany her to the store in the first place.  When his complaints yielded no results he resorted to telling the woman she looked "hideous" in the top and that he would be embarrassed to be seen with her in it.  They left without making the purchase, and she was nearly in tears. 

Witnessing such cruelty took me back to my own abusive marriage of 17 years.  It felt like daggers in my heart.  Over time my self-esteem had been eaten away and I wound up a shell of the person I had once been. I went through years of therapy to process what had occurred, including taking ownership for the parts that I had allowed, and learned boundaries to prevent this from ever happening again.  It's difficult for me to be naturally submissive and to enforce boundaries and I haven't always done the best job of it.  Either I've been overly reactive to situations or overly permissive.  Striking a healthy balance is something I'm still improving.

Yet sometimes I witness a loving couple like in the dressing room and my heart soars.  It didn't make him any less of a man to be loving to his bride, and she respected him in return.  They seemed indescribably happy.  That gives me reason to hope.

He wasn't my first choice

I woke to him yelling loudly for breakfast

Nudging me out of bed

Stinky breath on my neck

Demanding.  Persistent.  Total pain in my ass

He's my daughters emotional support cat

Quarantined to my room until she recovers from illness

Maybe sleeping alone isn't so bad after all

I have one fleeting life.  I will not spend it feeling less than.  I will expect to receive as much as I give.  I will not waste my moments chasing others.  And if the gods shine upon me and grant me one more chance at love, I will embrace it and never let it go.

No, it isn't what you think.

My oldest (grown) child is visiting and all of my kids are together with me for the first time in 10 months. They may be successful young adults but within these walls they are pranksters and hooligans.

 
Just ask the dog who was given a whipped cream hairstyle tonight by chid #3.  On a positive note, her head smells delicious. 

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the opportunity to embrace the chaos once again and experience the swell of my Mama Bear heart.  I hope that whatever you are doing this Thanksgiving that you all have something to be thankful for, too.

Every time I'm arrogant enough to think I've healed past hurts and broken out of cycles, I catch myself in one again. How can a smart person, a person who has consistently done the work to heal, be so foolish? I'm owning it. And hopefully, someday, I will change it.

My goals and desires have changed over time. I have ebbed and flowed with my ability to trust. My morals have changed- and probably not always for the best, and I say that with no judgement to anyone.

I can't be anything to anyone else if I am not my best self. I have 50 years of experiences to rectify- both the good and the bad. It's obvious that I have not healed as much as I thought I had. I've worn my wounds like barbed wire to keep others out. Those few times I tried to remove my barbed wire, I've only cut myself deeper, as well as the other person. Perhaps some are not meant to be in relationship.

I need to get back to nature- back to the woods. Back to the sounds of the forest and the predictable unpredictability of wildlife. I need wildlife- not the wild life- like I have been seeking here. There I can hear my thoughts, let my emotions run free, and perhaps find myself again.

The last few years I've acted erratically. At times I am sure I have hurt and confused those I have met here, the same way I have been hurt and confused by others. If I have hurt you in any way, I am sorry for that. If you have hurt me, I forgive you and I'm moving on, even if you don't want my forgiveness. All I can say is I did my best and would like to believe you did as well.