1 week ago. November 18, 2023 at 4:24 PM
Every time I'm arrogant enough to think I've healed past hurts and broken out of cycles, I catch myself in one again. How can a smart person, a person who has consistently done the work to heal, be so foolish? I'm owning it. And hopefully, someday, I will change it.
My goals and desires have changed over time. I have ebbed and flowed with my ability to trust. My morals have changed- and probably not always for the best, and I say that with no judgement to anyone.
I can't be anything to anyone else if I am not my best self. I have 50 years of experiences to rectify- both the good and the bad. It's obvious that I have not healed as much as I thought I had. I've worn my wounds like barbed wire to keep others out. Those few times I tried to remove my barbed wire, I've only cut myself deeper, as well as the other person. Perhaps some are not meant to be in relationship.
I need to get back to nature- back to the woods. Back to the sounds of the forest and the predictable unpredictability of wildlife. I need wildlife- not the wild life- like I have been seeking here. There I can hear my thoughts, let my emotions run free, and perhaps find myself again.
The last few years I've acted erratically. At times I am sure I have hurt and confused those I have met here, the same way I have been hurt and confused by others. If I have hurt you in any way, I am sorry for that. If you have hurt me, I forgive you and I'm moving on, even if you don't want my forgiveness. All I can say is I did my best and would like to believe you did as well.