He wasn't my first choice
I woke to him yelling loudly for breakfast
Nudging me out of bed
Stinky breath on my neck
Demanding. Persistent. Total pain in my ass
He's my daughters emotional support cat
Quarantined to my room until she recovers from illness
Maybe sleeping alone isn't so bad after all
I have one fleeting life. I will not spend it feeling less than. I will expect to receive as much as I give. I will not waste my moments chasing others. And if the gods shine upon me and grant me one more chance at love, I will embrace it and never let it go.
No, it isn't what you think.
My oldest (grown) child is visiting and all of my kids are together with me for the first time in 10 months. They may be successful young adults but within these walls they are pranksters and hooligans.
Just ask the dog who was given a whipped cream hairstyle tonight by chid #3. On a positive note, her head smells delicious.
This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the opportunity to embrace the chaos once again and experience the swell of my Mama Bear heart. I hope that whatever you are doing this Thanksgiving that you all have something to be thankful for, too.
Every time I'm arrogant enough to think I've healed past hurts and broken out of cycles, I catch myself in one again. How can a smart person, a person who has consistently done the work to heal, be so foolish? I'm owning it. And hopefully, someday, I will change it.
My goals and desires have changed over time. I have ebbed and flowed with my ability to trust. My morals have changed- and probably not always for the best, and I say that with no judgement to anyone.
I can't be anything to anyone else if I am not my best self. I have 50 years of experiences to rectify- both the good and the bad. It's obvious that I have not healed as much as I thought I had. I've worn my wounds like barbed wire to keep others out. Those few times I tried to remove my barbed wire, I've only cut myself deeper, as well as the other person. Perhaps some are not meant to be in relationship.
I need to get back to nature- back to the woods. Back to the sounds of the forest and the predictable unpredictability of wildlife. I need wildlife- not the wild life- like I have been seeking here. There I can hear my thoughts, let my emotions run free, and perhaps find myself again.
The last few years I've acted erratically. At times I am sure I have hurt and confused those I have met here, the same way I have been hurt and confused by others. If I have hurt you in any way, I am sorry for that. If you have hurt me, I forgive you and I'm moving on, even if you don't want my forgiveness. All I can say is I did my best and would like to believe you did as well.