Truth

Another year around the sun. Filled with changes, disappointments, joys and blessings. I’ve had my eyes opened this past year to parts of myself that I never knew. I’m looking forward to continuing that journey. And I won’t give up the search for my person. 💜

I won’t post certain photos just to try and gain followers or likes

I won’t play with random people

I won’t show my face unless I have spoken with you or met you outside of this site

I won’t give up my convictions or values

I won’t settle

I won’t reach out if I’m interested in someone, my lack of self esteem gets in the way and I don’t feel like I’m “good or attractive enough”

I won’t waste my time on those who don’t value or deserve it

But that also means I won’t be popular here

I won’t have messages filling my inbox

I won’t have people reaching out to want to talk with me

I won’t have people checking on me when I go silent

I won’t be noticed when I’m gone

And it also means that I probably won’t find my person here

But I also won’t completely give up

It’s a day of reflection 

deep in my head and heart 

regrets and missed opportunities 

joys and hopes

combine leaving me in a jumbled mess

not knowing which way is up

struggling to breathe

gasping for clarity

knowing my worth and yet feeling unworthy

lovely but unloved

Hoping that sleep brings some peace 

My pelvic floor therapist (also treating SI Joint Dysfunction) tells me to focus on “closing the curtains” when doing my kegels and now I don’t think I can refer to my labia (inner and outer) as anything else. Although would one be considered sheers and the other the curtains?  😂

Thank you for everything that you did for me.
The experiences you provided me. 
The safety you took responsibility for. 
The lessons you taught.
The laughter and smiles.
The deep conversations.
Trusting me with part of your history and heart.

I am sorry for how things ended.
I take full responsibility. I know that I freaked out. The reality of our situation got the best of me. I wanted things I knew I couldn’t have. 

You have set the bar very high and I can only hope and pray to find something like that again.

I wish you happiness, good health, and lots of love. And I hope you find what you are looking for.  

So I was chatting online to this guy who claimed to be a dominant. Within our first 2 (very brief) messaging conversations he:

- Provided me with his list of 164 commandments that I was to follow

- Showed me a photo of toys he had already purchased for me

- Set up our life plan for mixing vanilla and the kink lifestyle

- told me that I’m his 100% focus now

- Sent me an unsolicited 🍆 pic

- demanded that I provide him with my calendar and give him 100% access to him on certain days of the week

I’m grateful to the people I’ve met and experiences I’ve had to know that I immediately had to block him (after keeping documentation of all of this including the outside research I had done on who he was just in case I needed it in the future if he ever found me on another site). Totally creepy behavior.

Just a reminder to always do your homework and keep safe out there. Never give personal or private information until trust has been established and vetting has taken place. 

I may not have found my person, but I absolutely 100% know who are not my people.

Trusting You to guide and train me

Hearing Your words and taking them to heart

Opening myself up to everything You have to offer

Making me the best I can be

Accepting Your time and effort with my whole heart

Smiling because I’m your horny little slut

Thank you, Sir, for believing in me and seeing my potential and value. I will do my best to make You proud of me.

Sir has instructed me to edge every other day and to tell him when I do and send photos of what belongs to Him. He allows me to touch myself and play with His pussy and clit. But I’m not allowed to cum without permission. Pretty standard stuff, right?

Now in the past with other playmates I would “say” that I didn’t cum, but how were they to know? I could orgasm and never tell. Did I feel guilty about it, no. To be honest I wasn’t fully invested with those people, there wasn’t a good connection for me. And so I felt like I was role playing as a sub, and it even led me to question if I even was submissive.

And then, when I wasn’t really looking and had almost given up on even trying anymore, He messaged me. The conversation flowed. It was true vetting, on both sides. This is the first time that I’ve been absolutely willing to do as instructed and follow orders. This time it’s different. This time I have a Dom that has earned/is earning my submission. (If you read this, Sir….thank You for Your time and patience, for helping me become Your/a bad ass bitch - You know what it means to me).

So back to edging…..usually I don’t have much alone time, young adult daughter still lives at home (she’s moving out to her own apartment next month - so yay for me!). So my “playtime” usually happens sometime during the day on Saturdays before she gets home. Today I was feeling particularly horny and so I took some time to play with His pussy and clit. I messaged Him to let Him know that I was doing it (even though I don’t need permission, I want Him to know I’m thinking of Him and taking care of His things). He allows me to use toys when I do this if I want. He responded quickly and provided me with some reminders of what He can and will do when we are together next. The reminder of what it felt like when His mouth was licking me almost did me in then and there. After about a half hour of edging I could hardly stand it anymore and told Him that I needed to stop before I came without permission. He then asked if I had a private area in my backyard where I could go and cum. As He put it, it was a “what would you do for a Klondike bar” moment.

Well fuck me, my backyard is completely open and the houses are close together, so there is no way possible that I could do that, meaning cumming out there was definitely off of the table. Something tells me that He laughed a very sadistic laugh when I told him that.

Of course the feeling of being on edge for Him is a reminder of what I am and who I belong to. And I know that He wants me ready to be His hungry fuck toy the next time we see each other. Edging for Him is one way to ensure that.

Sometimes trying to do the right thing turns your life upside down. Recently I had a UTI, BV and a yeast infection, so as part of the screen they did some basic STI testing. As I was talking with my doctor I asked about a full panel. I hadn’t had one done before. So I went for the bloodwork and then waited. And waited. Three of the results came back very quickly and were all negative. But then the anxiety kicked in about the last test. Why was it taking so long? And then two days later I got the news.

I am HSV2 positive. I don’t know how I got it. I don’t know who I got it from. I don’t know when I got it. And as far as I know none of my past partners have tested positive so for that I am immensely grateful.

And all I wanted to do when I heard was curl up in a ball and die. I felt dirty and that people would see me as unlovable and disgusting and tainted.

Fortunately the few close friends that I confided in reminded me that it did not change my value as a person or as a woman and kept me from falling into a deep depression over the news. 

I’m still trying to accept my new reality. I’ve started taking suppressive antiviral medication. I’m doing my research and know that condoms and other forms or protection are now going to be a part of every sexual encounter that I have in order to protect any partners.

Am I scared about what the future holds. Yes. Am I afraid that I’ll be rejected because of this. Yes. Do I have any choice but to continue on with my life and my journey. No.