If I can give 100% to the wrong one
Just imagine what I can give to the right one
The possibilities are endless and the opportunities boggle the mind
I can’t wait for the chance to test this out.
I’m waiting, come find me.
Aka my personal trainer. LOL. I was happy with what I was able to do. And that I spoke up and told her that there was something I couldn’t do instead of trying and hurting myself. Challenged myself with more weight on some exercises today too which was cool. I might kinda like doing this gym stuff.
I’m mad at myself for getting involved (again) when you asked because I was afraid that you might be my last chance at finding my person in this lifestyle, when you never had any intentions of me being your person. I was one of several and I know that doesn’t work for me.
I’m mad at myself because I allowed my fear of missing out on experiences put me back in a place that wasn’t ultimately good for me.
I am mad at myself for thinking this time could be different. My bad, that’s on me. I knew deep down that it wouldn’t and I said yes anyway. I apologize to you and to myself for that one.
What I am not mad at myself for is showing up, with hope, willingness, openness, honesty, trust and vulnerability. I put myself out there 100% and that’s a big step for me. I held nothing back. But the experience reinforced what I knew in my heart to be true about myself. I won’t settle or accept anything less in the future.
I want to blame you for 100% of what happened but I know in good conscience I cannot. I take full responsibility for accepting the scraps of attention and dominance you offered, and I apologize for that. I should have known better that doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome was an exercise in futility and the definition of insanity. But I hoped, foolishly, that things would be different this time. I so badly wanted to be chosen by you, to feel that I was enough and wanted and worthy, that I chose to ignore the reality of the situation as I knew it to be deep in my heart and logically in my brain. I believed the words about being collared and owned. I wanted that. I still do, but with someone that chooses me and only me. Not where I’m 3rd or 4th or further down in line. Not when I’ll be cast aside if and when your “forever” person shows up.
You knew that I had already told you that I was catching feelings after the last time and that’s why I pulled back. To protect myself. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice or three times….shame on me. I’m hating myself more than I hate you right now.
You asked to remain friends. I agreed at the time, but I’m not sure now that it is possible. Sometimes you have to wish the person well, send them off with good wishes and love and shut and lock the door firmly behind them.
Deleted the shared journal.
Disconnected the cameras.
Deleted the messages.
Unfollowed/unfriended.
Threw the collars and chains in the garbage.
Blocked.
It is the end of a 2+ year “situationship” (for lack of a better term)
Time to start fresh.
Do not make a permanent physical decision (piercing, branding, tattoo, etc.) without a commitment, discussion, and unless you really want it. Nobody who is temporary should ever have that sort of control or influence over you or your body.
Sometimes moving forward means leaving something or someone behind. It takes a strong person to set healthy boundaries. Not saying it’s easy, just necessary. I am forever that bitch. Onward and upward to bigger and brighter things.
Just have to brag for a moment. I’ve lost 13 pounds over the past 6 months. That may not seem like a lot to most people. But I’m dealing with health issues that make weight loss a slow process. But I am making progress and that is what counts. Focusing on good food and walking when I can. Would I like to lose more, of course. Would I like it to happen faster, definitely. But I’m learning to love myself as I am and to do what I can when I can. Little changes. I wish I had a partner to cheer me on and support me through my journey. Hearing someone say “good girl” would really feel great right now. But for now I have to say “yay me” and be proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished.
I just saw something that said “Your body won’t feel safe just because someone says you are safe. Safety is felt when your nervous system sees the proof…..repeatedly”.
Simple, and yet mind blowing, especially when I realized and acknowledged that I have never felt safe. I don’t want to be so guarded. I don’t want to live in constant fight or flight. And yes I know that those are all trauma responses and I am working on them. But I have no frame of reference to work with. I’m 57 fucking years old and I’ve never felt safe. Even as a child I was made to feel that I was never good enough. Comments made to me that I was too skinny, not pretty, not smart enough. I’ve always held something back. And every time my gut has proven me right for doing so. Even if it was some small part of me. Just once in my life I would like to feel what it feels like. To be able to give myself completely over to someone, trusting them with absolute certainty that they will be my safe place to land. Deep down I crave feeling safe as much as I need air to breathe. It’s a gaping hole inside of me aching to be filled.
Asking for honest feedback here…..what in my profile makes someone think that it is ok to address me as Mistress or Goddess and that I want to take on a male sub or someone leaning that way? I am secure in who I am and what I’m looking for, and yet I get messages from male submissives on the regular. Those who know me know that I don’t have a dominant bone in my body (unless I have a Dominant’s bone in my body…LMAO).
Seriously though, am I missing something in my profile that makes people think this is ok or even wanted?