In a perfect world

Take me. Come find me, and make me yours. I want you to. I want to be yours. I want to be your slave and bend to your will. I won't cry out or complain when you punish me, I understand you're just training me to be better. Pushing me to be your perfect slave. I have much I need to let go of. You can treat me however you want to treat me. I am yours to control. I'll do as you say and try to bend my opinions and preferences to your will. Sometimes I run away because my emotions get too hard to handle. Sometimes I'm not the best master of myself and I make really dumb decisions. Take away my ability to mess things up. Please keep me safe. Please keep me yours even if it's against my will. I will be yours to do with what you want. In the bible, it says that women should submit to their husbands. I want to submit. I want to worship you like you are a god. My god.

         I've always thought suffering was the key to gaining transcendence. Through extreme mental or physical pain, we are forced to endure, forced to grow, forced to change, forced to become something else, something stronger. A different version of ourselves, a more primitive version not partaking in the mundane of our daily existence. We break the bounds and become vulnerable, malleable, and shapable. 

Martyrs are exceptional people. They survive pain, they survive total deprivation. They bear all the sins of the earth. They give themselves up. They transcend themselves... they are transfigured.~ Martyrs 

   Lately I've been observing there is several ways to transcend past myself and this happens when I put someone else's needs first. If I focus all of my energy on serving someone else I believe I can transcend past my desires, wants, and fears. It's hard to reach and I've been struggling with it. I like to lie to myself and pretend it's life or death to try to get the endless babbling of my self-doubt to stop. To try to get my survival instincts to kick in, to lose myself in serving another. But I think my brain knows the difference and still craves the adrenaline and high of losing control and giving freely willingly or unwillingly.

Only to the extent that someone is living out this self transcendence of human existence, is he truly human or does he become his true self. He becomes so, not by concerning himself with his self's actualization, but by forgetting himself and giving himself, overlooking himself and focusing outward.
Viktor E. Frankl

  Another way I've been experiencing what I believe transcendence and to me it is my favorite method other than pain, or serving others is in nature. Watching a thunderstorm, or watching the trees blow in the wind, or the way the sunlight dances through the leaves. I realize I'm more than a human but a part of something so much greater and bigger. A little piece of the universe experiencing itself. It's quite a magical feeling to let go of all the daily fears, anxieties, and troubles that typically burden my mind. I feel like a creature, an animal observing, living completely free from the endless mind chatter. If only for a few minutes. 

Each new day beckons you to walk on the road of self-transcendence. We transcend ourselves, we do not compete with others. We compete only with our previous achievements, and we get joy. Life is nothing but a perpetual possibility.
Sri Chinmoy

    I'd like to keep searching for different ways to transcend beyond the ordinary. I want to be so emersed in my experience, maybe even a little insane from an outsider's perspective. I'd like to push the boundaries of my mind to their breaking point and keep going. I'd like to have more of an understanding of the world around me. I want to be completely transfigured into something greater than myself. 

But all the story of the night told over,
And all their minds transfigured so together,
More witnesseth than fancy’s images
And grows to something of great constancy,
But, howsoever, strange and admirable. ~ Midnight Summer's Dream

 

 

I've been writing a book from the perspective of a Viking slave/thrall. This is something I wrote today I wanted to share. I hope you enjoy it. I am open to constructive criticism, feedback, and your opinion, as well.

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I was tired of sleeping with the animals. The straw was itchy and the smell wouldn't let me rest. I wanted to go home. I didn't want to be here anymore. I knew they had killed what was left of my family but I still yearned to be home, imagining my sister's faces around a nice warm fire.

Everything had changed since the Jarl came for us. Now I had shackles on my wrist. I slept with pigs. I had to get out of here. One night when everyone was asleep, I crept out of my stall and into the long hall. The flames were smoldering out so I hid in the shadows. I made it to the door, the cold night air stinging my face. I bolted as fast as I could toward freedom, away from this slavery. My shackles made all sorts of noise though so I had to slow down, I didn't want to wake my captors. But this was a mistake. 

Jarl Sten appeared from behind a tree. I thought it was still in the long house. How had he gotten all the way out here? He was supposed to be asleep. He gave me an evil grin and grabbed my wrist. He forced me to the ground. His knees opened my thighs. He was inside me holding me down before I could do anything. He pumped violently inside of me, ripping me open. He bit my neck and held my wrist down. He was like a wolf. I tried to imagine I was somewhere else, anywhere else but here under the man who had taken me prisoner. My mind let me escape for a moment and I drifted off into the trees watching from above. Far away not really in the moment, like it was happening to someone else. Then it was over and I was back underneath him. He grabbed my neck and squeezed. 

"You're going to pay for trying to escape." He growled in my ear. Goosebumps all over my body. He had more in mind than rape? He took a metal collar from around his belt and fastened it around my neck. Grabbing the collar he pulled me back to the long house. He tied my collar to one of the wooden pillars that held up the house.

He put more logs on the fire and left the room. I was left there tied to the pillar. My body was shaking and I was sore from him forcing himself on me. The idea of escaping became further and further away. I found myself sinking into the knowledge that this was my new life. He reappeared with a branding metal in his hand. A wide grin as his dark evil eyes looked down on me. He put the brand in the fire and heated it up until the metal was red. I should have known what was coming but my brain hadn't clicked. It wasn't until he put all his weight on me and held my arm down that I realized what he was going to do. He was going to brand me. As the realization hit me, then came the sting. It sent a jolt down my whole body, my arm felt like it was on fire. And part of it was. When he took the brand away my flesh had completely melted under the brand, it stuck to the metal. A giant "s" was now in my arm. Blackened by the fire. I screamed but he punched me hard in the mouth. He didn't want me to wake the others but I couldn't help but cry. The burn was too much. 

Then he crawled on top of me and strangled my neck. I couldn't breathe I fought him as long as I could and then my mind drifted into the stars. Dozens, no hundreds of tiny white specs floating through space. I let myself go into oblivion finally free of all the pain and torture. But it went quickly.

The next morning I awoke and my arm still burned from the brand. I inspected it. It was a fancy S. It wasn't particularly ugly but I didn't want to be branded in the first place. I've seen people with tattoos before but I hadn't seen anyone with a brand before. My stomach sunk into itself even more. I would never escape. And now everyone would know who I belong to.

Stockholm syndrome is a coping mechanism for a captive or abusive situation. People develop positive feelings toward their captors or abusers over time.

I think Stockholm syndrome is a very interesting phenomenon. Almost like the victim's gift to themselves to lessen the burden of emotional or physical pain. But it also could be a gift to the captor because now the victim has sympathized and wants to defend the captor as well as justifies their actions.

I think there might be interesting ways to incorporate Stockholm syndrome into a D/S relationship.

For instance, if a dom did not allow his sub outside into the world much, when he finally did allow her to experience the outside world, she would be grateful. A dominant could ultimately take all sorts of basic things away and then slowly give them back occasionally and the submissive would see it as generous kindness. 

As well as conditioning the slave or sub to be more dependent on the dom/Master, but it also could be used to strengthen the endurance or will of the sub. Forcing them to be more creative with things they are allowed to do.

I am absolutely intrigued by that kind of control. I'm sure it would not be an easy thing for a dom to give a sub or slave Stockholm syndrome, but that kind of mind control just seems so appealing to me. Does it appeal to anyone else?

Last night I dreamed I was in a "relationship" with this sadist. He wanted to hit me. Naturally, being a masochist I let him, even wanted him to. He hit me, and he asked if it hurt. It was a pretty solid strike, it stung and disoriented me for a second. I told him no, it was okay. Then he really let loose and hit me really hard, almost felt like he broke something. He asked if it hurt, this time I could not deny that it hurt. He looked disappointed. I felt disappointed in myself for saying that it hurt. Because there was a part of me that felt a sense of relief from the pain. I'm always so self-deprecating that it feels good when someone validates my inner thoughts.  I remember the fuzzy feeling that came over me, the spacey freedom of just being in that moment. I retracted my previous statement and asked him to do it again. He looked thrilled and punched me so hard in the face that drool came out of my mouth. He seemed happy with this, almost like he was training me to deal with greater pain like his plans went even darker and more sadistic. Just the tip of the iceberg. I told him it was okay even though I could already feel my lips and eye swelling. He smiled. 

I woke up wishing the dream was true. I woke up genuinely craving to be hit in the face. To be around someone who wanted to physically hurt me.  I wanted to endure pain and pretend it didn't hurt to maintain that pride in myself. It feels so good to have that internal critic that is always inside come on the outside and be someone else for a change.  For a few moments I am not my own worst enemy and I feel this great sense of relief and freedom. When your enemy is inside of you and invisible it's just plain euphoric to have a clear enemy right in front of you. To have those complicated thoughts in my head silence for a while. Pain given by another is always a welcome sensation. It's so much better than the deep humiliation I feel inside the unworthiness, the unloved, the never good enough feeling I live with daily. Most days I wish I wasn't like this. It's probably not the "healthiest" of things to feel this way. Most men think I'm crazy if I ask them to hit me or abuse me. A sadist I lived with for a little while stopped hitting me to torture me more. It's infuriating and incredibly lonely to be so broken and weird. To know that no matter how much self-growth I do, no matter how much I try to get out these feelings I just want to be abused. I've lived with them for so long. They do not fade, as time passes I can feel them growing inside of me, overtaking my daily thoughts and now my dreams. And the strangest feeling is that no matter how isolated, and strange I feel,  I like it. I can't help feeling like I'm some opposite end of a piece of the puzzle and I too was put here for a reason. 

Xoxo

Candy

When I am given rules, expectations or protocols I do not wish to break them or test them. I truly want to follow them to the best of my ability, even if some are nearly impossible. 

I guess the reason for this is because I want my dom to stay. I don't want him to stray, or leave. I get scared that if I don't follow exactly what is expected of me I could be replaced. I don't want to be replaced. Or ignored. Or let go. I have always had an intense fear of abandonment. 

That is why I would like to be "forced" to stay, without a choice. If the doors are locked in such a way I cannot leave, that might scare a few, but I would feel incredibly safe. Because nothing is scarier than truly deeply loving someone and them wanting you to go. As I was growing up a lot of the beginning relationships in early adulthood, hated my codependence. They saw it as a weakness or a burden. I completely understand their way of thinking and do not hold it against them. But I had always hoped that my codependence and submission would be a gift to someone instead of a burden.

I accept completely that serving another, over oneself is a full-time job. It cannot be given halfway, if I want to truly serve someone I must put both feet in absolute. I also understand the amount of work that goes into being dominant. It is not a piece of cake. It takes a natural leader and someone who has a code to protect their own. Someone who has the capability to think outside of themselves constantly. I applaud the amount of effort that goes into both roles and realize how lovely it is that they work so effectively together. I do not think there is a stronger bond or convergence. 

What would it be like to be branded? Or microchipped? Or tattooed? For the purpose of keeping track of someone so they could not run away.

What would it be like if no matter how much someone wanted to escape they couldn't? 

What would happen if you took away someone's ability to escape? Would they eventually stop trying? I want to be owned to that degree. I want to have the option of leaving taken away from me. I want to be pushed. I want to be tortured. I want to be punished. I don't necessarily want to leave but I want the option to be taken away from me. So no matter what my master dishes out I must endure. Because there is no choice in the matter.

No matter what happens not being able to escape it. Only having one option to just keep pushing through it. To never be able to leave, to be wanted, to be completely owned sounds like an absolutely lovely fantasy I would like very much.

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I like to be enveloped in pain sometimes. The comfort of the adrenaline reminds me that I'm alive. I'd like to be whipped until I have marks, or hit until I have bruises. The internal pain transforms into the external, allowing itself to be healed properly for the first time. All of the suffering, disappointment, sadness, and unworthiness I feel are physically manifested and released. I don't know if I am a bad person, but it makes me feel less like one when someone hits me. Freeing myself from myself. I know I do things wrong sometimes, I know I can be selfish or withdrawn, I know sometimes I say things that are hurtful, and I like to be punished for it. I want to try to be better, and what way to try to get better than through pain?

XoXo

Candy