My submissive side.

I did it! I made the big move and have been settling in at my new place for almost a month. Its been a really exciting and scary time for me. Im one step closer to working with my dream company, I painted a wall (trust me thats major :P) Im even half way done unpacking. 

But Im also regetting something I agreed to....

A really close friend and her partner fell on hard times this last year. Like life fucked them in the ass and left with out even a thanks. So I offered to rent them a room, I mean I got room to spare. We sat down and talked about major stuff, we have an agreement that every three months well check in and see if things are still working out.

Its just that this couple has been in a loving D/s relationship for 3 years. They understand that Ive been single for three years and have never had a D/s relationship, and we even talked about whats allowed in the shared area and whats not. But Im so fucking worried that Ill just grow resentful over time, that Ill turn bright freaking green with jealousness. Because she says she understands but then doesnt do anything. Heres two examples of what im trying to explain. 

A) Im gearing up to make this huge move, and I asked her to just put all talks of them moving in with me on ice until after the move. She not only keeps brining it up (Were going to take this and that with us but the couch isnt coming with/ Can we do this when we move in/ etc etc) but when a friend of hers (I met the guy once) ask her if he can ask me if he can rent the third room, she doesnt ask him to wait. All she told the dude was that I was busy. She doesnt explain that Im going through a really hard time with the move. And now that I moved here all she freaking talks about is them moving in. IE packing and whats going into storage. If she says the couch isnt coming with one more time I might start crying. 

B  ) lets go back three years ago to explain this next part. I was in a vanilla relationship, my ex and I drive down to the state to drop off some of her boxes for her. Wasnt alot of stuff but we wanted to help however we could. Her at the time BF/Dom was in Chicago still, so it wasnt completely easy for her being without him. Well we all hang out a couple times, ex and I where only there for like three days. But at the end she exploded on me about how hard it was being without him and how we where basically rubing it in. I felt terrible, honestly I felt so bad. I was extremly apologic and hadnt meant to do it at all. 

Fast foward to now-- But now the shoes on the other foot and she doesnt fucking care. She never tries to rain it in, its always them (IE we've hung out once alone) She talks about scenes theyve done. She talks about how she brats to him. And Ive asked her to just rain it back a bit. Ive talked to her but its like it goes in one ear and out the other. 

Shes a good friend but honestly Im terrifed I made a mistake. 

So it's the start of May....alot has happened in the last three months. Inculding my heart being broken by Marvel. 

         I WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU JAMES GUNN!!! WHAT YOU TWITTED, ISNT OK!!!!

Anyways....the first house fell through, it happens. But we found a better house and everything worked out! All the papers are signed, the inspection was done and insurance gave it the ok. And I even got an interview lined up with my dream company 😄  Bonus, the HOA pool is about a block away that I get a key to! whoop whoop.

So now its Im down to the nitty gritty. Packing. Which is leading to alot of swearing IE "I've been looking for the fracking sweater for months!!" And Im living in the city of boxes, I really need to finish this up soon. haha.

But ontop of that I got to go to the Spring Kinky Kollege which was so much fun! If you dont know what Kinky Kollege is, its a twice a year event that happens by Ohare Airport in Chicago. Its run by SINS Center, and they donate alot of money each time to great causes. Kinky Kollege has alot of great classes. So its great for people new to the scene and those who have been in it alwhile. I've also been exploring my of my little side. Middle little? Its different but nice.I really love being read to at bed time 😄 Really something I have to explore more, and am gratful I got a chance to at Kinky Kollege. 

All in all the move is almost upon me and Im super excited to explore the scene in Orlando :D 

So for the last few months I've planned on moving to Florida, Fall 2018. My older sister is the reason I'm able to even think of this (medical problems in my early 20's shot my credit to hell, and I've been slowing been working to get it back in the good but its not) We put an offer in a house yesterday, and they accepted it today :D

Which means, its really happening. I'm moving to a different state where I only know three people. Sure my family will visit.Once a year.  But I'm moving to a place where I'll have to start over. New Doctor, new vet, new Supermarket. For someone with social anxiety its a daunting task. And to top it all off its not just finding/making new friends (to which I've never been good at) but also finding a new club.New scene friends. 

It took me seven years just to make the few connections I have. Seven years of finding a club that I call my home, of getting to know people in the scene. And now I have to start over. 

What The Fuck was I thinking?

I need to go throw up now.  

I miss shoving my freezing cold feet under a guys ass as we're watching tv. I miss talking crap about movies with someone, or pointing out plot holes in Kid TV shows. Youre under water, why is there a fire going???Most of all I miss knowing Im not alone. 

I know I need to put myself and Im trying. But with social aniexty, its hard.(Nothing easy in life is worth having I know) but after so many years. You start thinking whats wrong with me? Im not the greatest looker, but I care. Hell Ive taken courses to better myself in a relationship. But here I am. Dealing with wanna be Doms.