Hello darling,
It’s been a while since we’ve talked.
I can’t help but feel I’m to blame for the distance between us. That I’m at fault for the silence that killed us both.
For decades, I wished on a defective star. I put everything into believing that my wishes would come true. But I was a naive little child hoping that my voice would be heard in the crowd of reality.
Now I’ve grown up. I’m no longer that innocent child on my knees at the window. I no longer send up prayers to a star that doesn’t listen. And all that’s left of me are the memories of you.
The time you and I spent the entire night talking in the van. We couldn’t have been more than 13 years old. I don’t think you knew how much I liked you. Maybe you did. Maybe you liked me too and I didn’t know it either. But it didn’t matter. We talked until the sun came up and it was one of the greatest nights of my life. Leaving the van that morning before your parents woke up was heart wrenching. I didn’t want that night to end. I still wish that night hadn’t ended.
I remember the time a few years later, the dance that we shared. I struggled so hard to understand my place in life that night. I couldn’t see a path to anything better. And I had no idea why I felt the way I did. But none of that mattered to you. You danced with me anyway in that school gym. And when the dance ended, you kissed me on the cheek. I can still feel the softness of your lips. The wet tender connection between you and me. My heart skipped a beat that night. Oh how I wished I could reach out and hold onto you, keep the music from ending.
Later still, I remember the night it rained. You and I were talking standing next to your car. Words flowed like water over the edge. Effortless. Freely. When the rain started to tap us on the shoulder, we paid it no attention as we continued to communicate. It was as if two people had stumbled upon something unique and timeless. How I wish that night had led to something better.
There were other times we shared. Times that last in my memory as something special. Something grand. It’s not as if they pale in comparison, they are just too many to hold in my hand - like sand running between my fingers.
But what pains me the most is that lately, my wishes feel like broken glass. They cut my heart. They tear at my chest. And I feel like I’ve been left bloody and beaten.
Have all my wishes for us truly turned black? Have they all really landed on the ground at my feet, instead of rising to your ears? To my star above?
Why have you and I lost each other? Why can’t we connect? Why does it have to be so difficult between us? Am I too old? Am I too deformed? Am I too broken? Why am I not enough?
Maybe someday I will receive your answer. Maybe I won’t. But what I really want to say is - I don’t want to wait for you any longer. I want to move on. And if you have a heart at all, either you’ll answer my call, or you’ll let me go. Because if goodbye is all that is left to say, then please tell me, so I can finally move on.