Let's face the truth... admitting to others in a public forum that your human is the dumbest, worst, most moronic thing a person could do. I mean, let's be real. You're on a dating website to attract others and your pouring the worst parts about yourself to anyone that will listen in hopes that you can make someone notice you? Well, if that person does notice you, how are they supposed to think about you after you said all that in public?
So that leaves the question, then why am I doing it? If I think it's... scratch that. If I know it's such a stupid thing to do, then why am I putting all this personal, private, what's truely best left to myself and not telling others, things... out there onto public forums?
A couple reasons actually. 1) I have found that if I write about it and put it out there, it helps me to move on. Really, If I write about it in full and leave nothing unsaid, I won't write about it again. This helps me to move on and think of new things as I don't want to repeat myself. 2) And this ties a little bit into 1, if you just think about something and you don't get it out of your system, it just builds up and it never goes away. I've spent nearly my entire life holding in and suppressing things and refusing to truly open up to others and all it's done is driven me deeper into the abyss rather than letting myself heal, express it, and move on.
So this being said, what stupid, idiotic, moronic and imbecilic thing am I going to do to myself today? Well, I’m going to admit to all of you my biggest weakness. Because today, as I was taking a shower, it popped into my head and I thought, “Yeah! That sounds like a good idea!”
I am the type of guy that needs someone else in his life. Now, before you say that’s not a bad thing, just wait. I’m the type of guy who’s so much better when I’m with someone than I am without someone. And I absolutely hate that about myself. Because it was only a short while ago that I would say to myself that I need someone else in order to be happy. And though I no longer would say that about myself, the whole needing someone else in order to be happy thing, I am still the kind of man that is only whole when I am with someone special to me.
Why is this bad. Well because recently I have discovered that being alone has allowed me to start healing, to start being able to fix within myself all the many things that have done me such extreme damage for so long. It is also bad because it is the very reason I had made some really bad choices in my life. Such as I used to chase after women in order to make myself happy. Not in a typical men are pigs sort of way, but in a more pathetic and even worse way.
I chased after one woman for nearly 20 years. I was with the mother of my three boys for nearly 20 years, and the whole time I was with her I chased after her so hard, that I completely disregarded my own emotional and mental health just to be with her. And after 19 years, I finally got sick and tired of catching her cheating on me and lying to me non stop.
Because I was so desperate to feel whole and complete as a person, I lied to myself, I tortured myself, I changed myself and I denied every important part of who I am as a man and as a person in order to be with her.
A few years later, I am still the kind of man who is far better with someone than I am on my own. And I utterly, from a place deep in my gut, on a visceral level, hate that about myself. Because it makes being alone so much more harder and difficult than I can bare. Yet being alone has helped me to become stronger, more confident. It has forced to me deal with myself rather than run from myself. It has taught me to embrace who I am rather than feel I must change it to be with someone. Being alone has give me more than 20 years of chasing the wrong woman ever has.
And I wish I could say that I don’t want to be with anyone any more and really mean it. But I can’t. It’s a lie. And the one thing I cannot afford to do anymore is lie to myself. Me being with someone is like a care with more horsepower. I’m like a sailboat with wind in my sails, or a flower in the sun. I’m simply better with than I am without.
But it’s being alone that has taught me that to be healthy, I must not change what kind of car I am, I just need to understand I’m better with the other half of me working properly. I’m not incomplete without wind in my sails, but I’m moving forward and with such joy when my sails are full and pushing me along. I don’t need someone in order to be happy, I just am happy and more fulfilled when I am with someone. And none of this understanding or growth inside myself would have happened if I were with someone. Because I would still be chasing after people rather hoping to be loved, rather than being patient and letting someone special find me.
I wish I could really and truly be happy being alone. It’s healthier for me. Or at least it has been. But I cannot change this about myself. It’s like trying to remove the foundation from under a house. The house does not last without it’s foundation. But I can renovate it. And I can understand it. And I can accept it with new insights and new knowledge and I can do it better.
