After a moment of deep shame and regret, I gathered up my things quickly and I headed for her building. I had no idea how I was going to do this. I don't know her name, I don't know what she does. I may not even be able to get past the front desk. I might not even be able to catch up to her. What am I going to say? ‘Hey, there's a lady who sits across from me at a picnic table, I need to talk to her. Do you know where I can find her?’
I get to the doors of the building and I see her in the lobby. I got lucky and she was detained by someone talking to her in front of the elevators. I walked towards her and she noticed me when she glanced around. She didn't look all that happy to see me.
I waited patiently for her to finish her conversation with the man that was talking to her. By their interactions it looked like she knew the guy pretty well, but was immensely annoyed by him and really didn't want him even in the vicinity of her. It was that obvious. It was damn near painful to watch. But finally she found an opening in the conversation that she was able to excuse herself. She pointed towards me and I felt a twinge of happiness that for a second time I was able to help her escape the clutches of a clueless simpleton who couldn't take a hint.
Although, it did cross my mind immediately there after that maybe she felt even less inclined to talk to me than the guy she was so obviously repelled by. ‘Oh shit. This might have been a big mistake,’ I think to myself.
She comes over to me, and though she noticeably didn't want to talk to me, she at least didn't flip me off and tell me to take a long walk off a short pier.
“Listen. I'm sorry for what I said…”
Then I froze. I didn't know what to say after that. The words seemed to catch in my throat and I went blank. I tried to think of something else to say that was genuine and meaningful, but all I was left with was awkward silence and her not impressed with what I was saying. ‘Awe fuck it. I'll just wing it.’
“You know, as humans lately, we have forgotten the basics. We try to be original and think that we know better than those who came before us. But all we do is fuck things up and make them overly complicated for no reason at all. Which, all that means is, I wasn't using any manners. I was lashing out wanting to strike first, to be the one to reject you and drive you away before you had a chance to use reality against me. And if I had remembered to use my manners I would have realized that maybe I didn't need to be such a jerk. And I'm sorry.”
“Thank you,” she said with timid solace. “But you didn't have to come here to apologize.”
“Yeah, but I wanted to. I've enjoyed our lunches together and I didn't want my big mouth to ruin that. I brought a bazooka to a conversation and I fucked up and pulled the trigger when I shouldn't have.”
“You surprised me honestly. I was shocked more than anything. I've never been the one to be turned down before. Usually I'm the one telling people I'm not interested or that I don't want to be bothered,” she said.
“Well, truth be told, I normally would never have said that. Today's just a bad day for me, and I kind of lost my temper,” I said with a small chuckle to myself, feeling a little bashful from the honesty.
“Well, if I am to be honest. You were right. I did mean that you would make someone else a great companion. It was an instinctive reaction that I always have of immediately rejecting someone and then thinking afterwards. It's become so second nature to me that I was shocked when you pointed it out to me. And then I was knocked on my ass when you told me you weren't interested.”
I had to smile from her view of the events. She was being light hearted and the conversation was actually a pleasant one now that we were really being honest with each other.
“Yeah, well… Normally I would have taken a different tactic. I would have tried to be witty and unique and charming in a beauty and the beast sort of way. I would have tried to make you see the qualities of who I am. Hoping against hope, praying that you would see through the physical appearance to the prince buried within. Yadda yadda yadda. Getting stuck in the permanent friend-zone. My heart being crushed yet again. Until one day when you would come to me and tell me that you have finally met someone. He's wonderful and great and though he's not everything you have wanted in a mate, he still makes you happy. Enough. And I end up taking a long walk off a short pier.”
“You really don't believe in fairy tales then. Do you?”
“Oh hell no. If the Beast was real, today, in America, no one would even know that fucker existed. His little flower would wilt and die and he wouldn't even get a tricker-treater coming to his door. Hell, even the furniture and other what-nots would have packed up their shit and gone to live with the ice princess bitch in the other castle freezing their little asses off because at least she's cute in a cold-hearted-bitch sort of way. And she still gets men climbing her long ass ice staircase to hit on her while she tells them to fuck off and die. Let it go. Let it go. Turn away and slam the door. I don't care what they are going to say.”
“OH MY GOD! Did you seriously just quote Frozen?”
“No.”
“Yes you did.”
“Did not. No.”
“You closeted little Disney Princess freak, you.”
The two of us had a good laugh together.
“You really are a judgmental little troll. Aren't you,” she said as we continued to have fun poking at each other.
“Yeah, but a really cute/hideously judgmental little troll, as trolls go. And besides, you're just pissed that this beast told beauty he's not interested. He's happy and content in his drafty, windy, wet tower of solitude and misery. And he's not coming down for anything,” I said with stubborn pride and delusionary ignorance.
“You're so full of shit. You know this right?”
“I won't tell if you won't.”
“Well I have to get back to work. So take that as you will,” she said smiling and happy.
“Fine. I've spent too much time out of my dungeon anyway. I will see you tomorrow?”
“Maybe,” she said walking away towards the elevators laughing and smiling.
“Is that a good maybe? Cause, I know a cute green ogre and a funny little donkey that can rescue damsels in distress from their ivory towers if you don't show.”
“You're crazy,” she said as she called back to me from across the lobby.
“Now who's being judgmental?”
With that, the doors to the elevator opened up and she stepped inside. I felt good that she was laughing and having fun with me. I had hope that she would come and have lunch with me tomorrow.
So I left the lobby of her building and I crossed the courtyard and park to my neighboring building where I spent my days in a dark dungeon of solitude toiling away on broken computers. From my window, I was able to look out at her building and wondered if maybe she thought about me at all. Then I quickly squashed that horrible thought of happiness that came from thinking about her and I buried my head in work.
The next day was another lovely sunny and warm day. Which fucking sucked. But at least it wasn't hot out as summer was finally behind us. I tried as hard as I could not to be eager to go to lunch. As much as I could, I tried my best not to think about it, but wound up thinking even more about it because I was trying so hard to ignore it.
When it was time, I gathered my lunch that I had spent a little more time on this morning to make it a little better than normal, and I headed to the bench. I sat in my new position waiting for her to arrive and hopefully sit across from me.
It was excruciating waiting for her to appear from the doors of her building. Time kept ticking away and she didn't appear. I couldn't stop counting the minutes on my phone that she might come out and come have lunch with me. I felt stupid, like I was being an idiot for letting myself be excited and hoping she would show up. But it was just as stupid to try and deny that I am who I am, and this is what I do.
Then I looked up and there she was, heading across the courtyard, coming right for me with her lunch. She was talking on her phone as she walked and I tried not to pay attention to her. But my heart leapt in my chest knowing that she was not mad at me.
She sat down across from me and said goodbye to the person on the phone. She put her phone down, pulled out her gourmet health meal, and without even looking at me, said “This doesn't mean I forgive you.”
“You just remember that I dumped you first,” I said looking at my phone and not at her.
We spent the rest of the lunch hour not saying a word to each other. It was silence and tranquility and a wonderful break from our busy day. And she looked particularly beautiful today.