My Feelings on the Puppies

It’s been a while since I’ve last talked here. In my last post, I talked about my feelings on my sub M. Well, not my sub anymore. A couple days after that post, I ended it completely with them. Our contract stated that either party could end our DS relationship at any given time. I exercised that right. They threw a tantrum, spread more rumors about me within my social circle, and tried to make my life worse. I didn’t care. My mental state was at it worst, shown by my blog. However, in my previous entry, I talked about sub M’s friend E. E is a great guy. For a little over a month now, we’ve been in a romantic relationship. He understands how much M hurt me and has stayed by my side the entire time. This isn’t going to be a DS relationship. I like to tease him but not in the way I would a sub. I don’t mean to hate, but BDSM is not a healthy thing for me. The community is nice but I don’t think I can handle it constantly. DS relationships have taken a toll on my mental health and I don’t think I’ll ever be in a serious one again. Surely, I’ll dabble here and there in BDSM, but DS relationships are not my thing. I think sub M and I used BDSM as a way to unhealthily deal with our abusive and toxic urges under the idea of consent and trust. I know I hurt them, but they hurt me too. We were both guilty in our relationship, but at least I had the guts to end it. I think I’ll be taking a break from BDSM for a while. I’m happy with my boyfriend E. And I couldn’t ask for anything more. I’m happy now :).

I don't like being a dom sometimes. I'm bad at it too. It hurts to deal with a masochist when all I want is cuddles. I can be mean during playtime but I can't always be that. I like to love sometimes. I can't be a sub either. It's so hard to think of myself as controlled. Some days, I long for wholesome, soft loving. I had a boyfriend tell me that I'm far too perverted for that. Recently, I've been so sexually active with this sub M, I feel like I'm losing the fluffy component of it. In my early stages with M, we were cute. We were wholesome. We hadn't even kissed yet. When we first set boundaries, M said they were okay with anything as long as it wasn't too lewd. I really thought I could have something nice. Over the span of a few months, M started getting more... docile? They wanted me to limit their social interactions, to hit them if I thought it'd be funny, to pinch them if they said something I didn't like. In front of everyone. I haven't kissed them passionately in around two weeks now. This is because I found out they were telling all our friends about our "make out sessions" and how I moan and grind on them. This is a lie. Rumors about me are spreading throughout campus. Saying we fucked in a classroom. Calling me a whore. No rumors about M are spreading though. It's all about me. I haven't kissed them because I don't want to give them more material to lie about. They confessed to masturbating at the memory of our kisses. Even the wholesome ones. It made me sick. They told me they masturbate to selfies of me. They sent me which ones exactly and among all the lewd ones, there was a photo of me. One that my mother thought was cute. I wanted to throw up. I hated that. It ruined that photo of me for a long time. I sent it to them because I thought it was cute, not because I was sexy. Their perverse and lewd behavior are infecting our relationship. And everyone can see that it's making me uncomfortable except for M themselves. My friends have tried to distance me from them, but they keep following me. I even talked to their exes to see if this is normal. It's not normal for M to be so obsessed with someone. I hate this. Why me? No matter how much I try to set boundaries, M just doesn't listen. M wants me to violate them entirely. I can't do that. I can't even venture out. Once, I talked about M's friend E and how refreshing he was. How I want to get closer to him. M said they weren't jealous but the next day, they started calling their friend LA "cute" and "adorable". That ticked me off so I didn't really talk to them for the rest of the day. My friends sent me a text M sent to them. Saying I got mad at M for simply hanging out with LA even though I told M I liked E more. This is entirely exhausting. M is a liar and a bullshitter. Most of the time these days, I don't even have the energy to deal with them. I feel sick at the thought of them. Everyone asks me if I love M or even like them romantically. Truth is, I don't know. I probably did at first but my love is dwindling down with every fuck up they make. I'm sorry. I don't know if I can do this even.

Ugh. I can't even think about having a serious conversation with puppy M. He has no limits, tells me to do anything I want to him. If I asked what he likes, he'd say he'd like anything as long as I do it. So far, our DS relationship has been me mommy-domming him. I've been gentle and sweet and disciplinary. And we were both alright with that. Recently, he's been venturing out in Sadomasochism territory. He tells me to be rough, to hurt him. He told him to hit him if I thought it'd be funny, to pinch him when he says something I don't like. I told him if I were to now be physically violent towards him to his liking, we would seriously need to establish a safeword. Even in our gentle days, I wanted a safeword. But he's been putting it off because he'd use the excuse "If you're not hurting me, why would I tell you to stop?". So I let it be. Now that we're transitioning into Sadomasochism, I've tried to be more firm about the use of a safeword and aftercare. And constantly, he's been telling me that he's busy, that he doesn't care if I go too far. I genuinely do not like the "Ragdoll" kind of sub. The sub with no limits who wants you to drag them around everywhere and abuse them. Or the "They Hurt Me" sub. THe kind to tell you to do anything you want and even insist on the hardcore sub then proceed to tell all their sub friends what a "Bad Dom" you are. That's not my style. 

Recently, my sub has been interested in me writing my name on his body. His collarbone, his arms and inner thighs. I'm not complaining. I think it's adorable. But I have been snapping at him all day. We're long distance right now but I have been blocking and unblocking him. I've been getting annoyed at everything he says. I feel bad. I just wish he'd shut up.