Anything Can Happen

But now here I am spilling my guts again. I guess anonymity is safer but I’d much rather be who I am. Why does this all have to be so taboo?! I guess that’s a part of the thrill. 

Anyways, I slept with my ex again last night. I told him a few months ago that I’d like to stop sleeping together. He respected my decision and hasn’t initiated anything since. Sometimes when he stays over and we cuddle, I can feel him hard and sometimes he tries to get a rise out of me but it doesn’t work. However, yesterday, I was feeling particularly good. We came back from going out to eat. On the way to slipping into something more comfortable, we both tussle around on the bed. We do this for a while, settling into a cuddle, rubbing each other; me touching his stomach and him my back. 

Maybe it was the music my sister was playing the room. Maybe it was just wanting to satisfy the urge I had. Whatever it was, I decided to let my feelings win. Cuddles went from blowing farts on each other to kisses on the neck and cheeks to intensely making out and dry humping. You know where this is going. Once we get to the actual sex, here’s where things get interesting. I guess since it’s been a while since he’s last released and being inside me feels so good that he’s trying not to cum so fast. So he tells me to stop moving so he can control the pace. I’m ontop of him and here he is thrusting up and down into and I can’t explain why, but I was getting so wet from that and it felt so good. I would try to move and again and again, he told me to stop and he controlled the thrusting slowly up and down into me. And I started becoming a quivering mess ontop of him, so much that he had to cover my mouth because my moans were getting louder and my family would hear me.

And this goes on until I hear my sister pass by my room and I realize my door isn’t completely shut. So we stop and I shut it and I hop back on and just go wild on him and hes getting closer and so I ask him if I should get the sex blanket out cause it’s gonna be messy and he asks instead if I have a condom. I have a bunch so I go to get them and we put it on and then he decided to get ontop and things kinda went downhill from there. He doesn’t thrust hard enough into me, it’s very light, and one wrong move next, a bent penis later, nobody comes. 

At least I had fun. 

I am curious. Do men like to be chased? Not like physically running around but in the romantic sense of like courting. I've often encountered it to be hit or miss. I like to take initiative sometimes but for men who like to play hard to get, I find it frustrating. I want you to use your words. Close mouth don't get fed. I guess I could also view taking direct action or behavior approaches is a way of being forward. But it it also hot for someone to say: "come get me!"

Idk I guess just a thought. 

Please share yours!

One of the movies I watched when I was younger that stayed with me was Wetlands. It’s a coming of age story and there’s so many outlandish things about it.

The one scene that always stays with me though is the guy that wants to shave her pubic area and the day she lets him. Man, he didn’t even want to have sex with her, he just wanted to shave her. The delicacy and respect he paid attention to her body. That’s safety I hope to entrust to someone one day. I mean, you can’t find that nowadays, all you get is creeps who don’t even know what the difference between the vagina and vulva are.

Anyways just wanted to share. Has anyone else seen this movie? What scenes stay with you?

#wetlands #film #german #comingofage #shaving

Every year, I usually attend a coalition to end sexual exploitation global summit. This year, it happened on this past November 8th - 11th and it was really awesome. I pride myself on being highly educated, informed and self aware of what is going on in the world, especially in regards to women's rights and body politics. However, what I really loved about the summit this year was not just the range of speakers and topics being presented but the powerful messages that came from each speaker and their presentation. It was made clear several times by the men during the summit that the campaign to end sexual exploitation is not just a women's issue but a men's issue as well. A lot of speakers talked about the need for sex buyers to be held accountable in their participation to exploit sex workers and victims of sex trafficking.

I bring this here because there was a really interesting women at the summit who was not a presenter but she was networking with others through the community forums and she kept posting her website which proclaimed that BDSM is actually abuse and grooming. It really threw me for a spin because I did not agree with that notion. But I can definitely understand there being a community of people who have experienced BDSM in a very abusive, disheartening, disturbing and toxic manner. Those people definitely have the right to take space for themselves and make others aware of the dangers that come with BDSM community because yes, it is not all good. I've had a large portion of the men on this website message me and tell me that they've experience people trying to ghosting them and scam them. But I haven't heard yet about anyone being abused. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist. There are definitely people who do not understand the rules of BDSM. There are definitely people who straight up don't respect consent. There are people who don't see women as human beings. There are definitely narcissistic manipulators who do scam people, traffick people and do horrendous things to others and not even just talking about sexual assault. But you get the point.

I love attending this summit every year because it always opens my eyes to the major issues within not just the porn industry but the customer service and entertainment industry in general. I personally have my own things that I like to learn about because I am a survivor of incest, sexual assault and harassment. In the past, I have been cat called, followed home, manipulated into sex, sent unwanted dick pics, been slut shamed, victim blamed, you name it. This summit for me is always an opportunity to make community and talk about these things with other people who get them but especially people that want to talk about these issues and things.

I think if you are going to be involved in this world of BDSM, you should at least know what the risks are. It's not just exposure or shame but some people lives are literally destroyed. Even something as innocent as uploading a sext you received from an ex or stranger online, that can ruin someone's life and it has. 

I didn't write this to scare anybody. 

I didn't write this to shame anybody. 

I wrote this to share my experience in hopes that it may do some good whether that's to inform or help others feel less alone. 

One thing that makes me nervous is meeting people from this place. I don't want to go through anything horrible like I have in the past. That should be understandable. 

I like to take my time getting to know somebody. But even then, in my experience, you can never really know somebody. Cause change is the name of the game in this world.

Everything changes. 

And that's the point. 

Technology can be our friend. People can be our friends. 

But they can also both be our worst nightmare. 

So be careful. 

Respect people's privacy. 
Respect people's consent.

Respect yourself enough to know the facts. 

Know what you're getting yourself into. 

Til next time

Thanks for reading!

So I just turned 24 this past Sunday and at first I didn't have any plans. But my friend insisted I do something to get out of the funk I was feeling just in my daily life. So we went to our routine place for going out which is Fells Point. Specifically, we went to the Point in Fells for brunch, which is nice because it has bottomless mimosas! My friend treated me. Another one of my friends was there too and she's always a lovely vibe! We ate, we laughed and we danced. Then we figured it was time to head to the next place.

Before we did, we went to Point in the Sky to see my bartender friend was there yet but he was not. So we stopped by the Boba Tea spot and it was nice because we just were laughing with the owner and workers. A couple from the brunch place we ate at came in and they were lovely, one of them even brought me a macaroon (God, I love those things!). Anyways, we left there and went to another bar, Todd Corners and had a bathroom break. Then we sat and talked for a minute before this guy comes over and started talking to us. Let's call him, Rick. He was a tallish, older white man, not bad looking. I don't remember how he found out it was my birthday but he did and offered to buy me and my friends a drink. I had a whiskey, my friend had a whiskey too and my other friend had a blowjob. I'm not gonna lie, that whiskey hit me hard. So I immediately needed to throwback some water to stay awake. Steve encouraged me and suggested we keep the celebration going by heading with him to another bar and he'd buy us drinks again. So we headed over to this place called Cat Eye. It had a "howdy" type of vibe.

Rick brought my friends drinks and I had another water. There was a live band about to play so while we waited, we just talked to each other. When the band began to play, I got a call from one of my college friends saying happy birthday and and I told her what was happening. Then after I drank my water, I started dancing to the live band with my friends and recording myself. When their first song ended, Rick literally tells the singer that its my birthday and the band and entire bar begin to serenade me. All I could do is smile. Next, the singer played a song I requested which was Tennessee Whiskey because I really like that song and I was in a country bar. I continued to dance with my friends and listen to the band when Rick stepped outside and was talking to another guy. A couple came in and the woman came over and started to dance with us. The band singer said happy birthday to me again and the lady offered to buy me a drink and since I sobered up, I got a cocktail. After I finished that, we went outside to find Rick and we were introduced to who he was talking to. We'll call him, Tuck. Tuck went with us to the next place which I forget the name of. But Rick brought everyone two rounds of shots and when I tell you, the vodka tasted like chocolate. Take me to Charlie and the Chocolate factory! The bar also had this popcorn flavored truffle which was surprisingly good. 

Next, Rick dropped a bomb on us: he said, I want to go to my boat! I was like: RICK YOU HAVE A BOAT! He was like yes, I've been living on my boat for the last 18 months, just traveling places. I was so excited so we headed on over with Rick to the dock and hopped on his boat. Excuse me, YACHT. THAT BOAT WAS A YACHT!!! That thing had four stories! I aspire to one in the future. Anyway, Rick took us to the above deck where had disco lights and a speaker which he played lots of spanish music from. Again, we danced, we laughed, and some even kissed. Not me, but one day. We watched the sunset and we danced until it got dark and we got hungry. My friend and I usually get pretzels when we are drunk but Rick insisted getting burgers which he assured my friend, had vegan options. So walked over to the place but it was closed so instead, we went to a Mexican restaurant. I told them it was my birthday. My friend got shrimp tacos, so did Rick and Tuck. Me and my other friend just snacked on the chips and salsa they provided. Outta nowhere comes the employees with a cake and an sombrero and a shot of liquor singing Feliz cumpleanos! Again, I cheesed so hard! I drank my shot and ate my tres leches cake which was very good and moist. 

We departed and Steve retired to his boat. Me, my friends and Tuck back to Pie in the Sky to see my other friend, Hardy, who I flirted with until we left. I had my friend ask about his relationship status and come to find out, he has a whole ass wife back in Turkey. I was shocked! It was okay thought, kinda. lol. Anyway, my friend got cake and I said I would come back another day to get food and drink on the house! He said that's fine! We all walked to our cars and headed home. I dropped my friend off at her house and then I went to Royal Farms because I love their chicken breasts when sobering up. I had to use the bathroom really badly but it was closed but since it was my birthday, they let me go. (the magic of birthday power!) lol. I ended up dancing in the bathroom to One Direction, getting sexy with myself in the mirror. I went back out to wait for my food and got to talking to one of the workers who was named after a country. I left, went home and enjoyed my food and told my family about my day! It was a great birthday celebration. 

It made me reflect on how I want to be treated which is like a princess. I loved being serenaded. I loved having others buying me drinks. I loved dancing on a boat with others at sunset. I wish I could be there now! The great thing is, we kept connected with Rick, who invited us to his wedding happened next year! So I'll go back sometime! Until then, I'll continue to learn about myself, what I like and what I don't like. I am hoping to use this blog as a way to share with you all my experiences and findings! And maybe find someone who can offer me what I am looking for. Till then, the moon is beautiful! 

Thanks for reading!