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Chaotic and twisted thoughts of my mind

Hello all
I'm unsure if I should create a blog, my thoughts not all will understand, they may seem dark to some yet I find peace in who I am.
This journey is so very new to me and yet I am unsure if I will ever understand my self, yet I am finding peace and comfort in excepting myself.
I find myself writing down my thoughts that are constantly in my mind it helps calm the chaos.
I thought a blog may help me to better understand them.
6 days ago. September 22, 2022 at 10:15 AM

The darkness is my home.
I belive there is light to be seen in dark souls.
The beauty they hold yet has not been told.
A light hidden deeply.
Buried in the deapth of their souls.
Souls that love deeply and creatures of the night.
For these souls are magical and dance under the moonlight.
I look for my reflection in the water.
Once clear and clean.
Now all I see is blurred and unseen.
No path ahead to be seen.
My hart once long ago buried in the depth of the soil.
With rain it may grow, like a seed planted long ago.
The flowers that bloom in the darkness
Represent each hidden soul.
Their beauty is breathtaking and alluring.
I find light in the souls that dwell in the darkness.
There reflection to them also not clear.
Forever searching for something that may be near.
Yet they call to me as if whispers in the wind.
I find myself standing in your presence.
The black wolf walks by my side.
We followed your call.
As I stand before you I see beauty in the beast.
A allconsuming hunger needy yet strong.
I feel how it flows through you like a river of fire.
Yet I see that I am haunted, haunted by ghosts of the past.
Will you see a light that dwells inside.
Or just darkness that belongs in the night

1 week ago. September 20, 2022 at 7:08 AM

I thought I'd have a go at this, I'm Definitely not a writer lol. Apologies in advance.

The day is drawing to a end, I've tried to keep myself busy while you work in the office.
My last task of the day is to clean the play room, this room is my favourite one in the house.
The room that allows Sirs fantasy's and desires run wild.

Where I give my mind and body and soul to him and allow him to play.
For they are his.
A room that takes me places that one could only dream to go.
The door opens with a slight creek, that little noise draws my mind straight to him.
I can always hear when you enter the room.
My eyes dart across the room, your collection of toys always amazes and excites me.
As I clean I get closer to your toy box, thoughts drift through my mind.
Lustfull and thirsty thoughts.
Showing me just how needy I can be.
Thoughts of you, and how you use your tools as if you where making art.
I open the box, my eyes glisten with excitement.
Yet a reminder lingers in my my mind.
These are Sirs tool, for his use only.
My eyes distracted by the ropes that hang on the wall, the feel of them in my hand makes my body tingle.
I run my fingers along them they remind me of silk on my skin.
Unforgiving at times but soft, I entwine my fingers through them the tightness it brings makes my body quake.
I remind my self that this is not the task that has been set.
My eyes go to a roller that has been left on the bench.
My thoughts drift once again.
These tools that you use cause pleasure and pain a form of release.
Feeding the hunger that lingers inside.
As I hold it in my hand,  it makes my mind run wild.
Tools that only belong in Sirs hands.
Thoughts run through my head, would it feel the same if I tried it instead?
I place my foot on a small stool , bend over and place the roller against my skin.
The feel of it cold and unforgiving against my skin.
When Sir uses the rollers, they set my senses on fire.
My body burns for him with desire.
A silent reminder of why these tools belong to him.
As I start to roll it on my leg, a feel a hand run up the inside of my thigh.
Slowly buy surly making its way up higher.
Yet no door creeked,
As this hand runs up my thigh the, other one runs up my back .
I feel him lean over me yet only his breath is heard.
His body preseed against mine.
A reminder of who I belong to.
His breath fills warm against my skin as my body softens, for its his touch that I yearn.
His hand has made it to the back of my neck
A soft growl can be heard, a sign of his hunger a desire a thirst for what is his.
His to take anytime that please's him.
A desire that makes me bight my lip.
A growl that makes me week at the knees and overly wet
A single word is said
"Kitten"
Nothing more and nothing less.
The silence seems to feel like for ever.
Only your breath on my neck.
Your hand that once ran up my tigh, now notices that I'm wet.
" needy kitten, those toys are for my hands not yours"

1 week ago. September 18, 2022 at 10:18 AM

Your shadow in the darkness
I found alluring
It's light catching my eye
Yet Glimpes only caught
I follow on with my journey
Holding myself back from getting to close
Yet you appeared more frequently
As if you where calling to me
Beckoning me towards you
My reflection in the water
Reminding me of who I am
Allowing me to find courage
The will towards moving forward
To find the light that calls me
A silent voice that whispers
Through the tress
Soft and peaceful
I find comfort in you light
And warmth in your hand
A warmth I have not allowed
Myself to feel
There is beauty in your darkness
A presence strong yet kind
This journey new and exciting
Allowing you to guide me
Trusting that you will
show me the way
To worship at your feet my only desire
To please you, to be your every desire
Yet when I stumble, all I find is darkness

A warmth now grown cold
The light I once found in you gone
Confusion sets in
The hand the once held out in kidness

Now gone

Left with questions and no answers

 silence and choas all the remain 
Your presence has become
one with the dark again
Yet no light to be seen
Lost and unknown
Searching for what I do not know

2 weeks ago. September 14, 2022 at 12:09 AM

I followed your shadow in the darkness
A light that had intreged me
Words whispered in the wind
Dark soul will you hear me
What do you seek and yearn
Will your words fall upon my soul
Words not heard by others
Words ment for one
I find you in the darkness
Still and calm dark yet beautiful
My Words fail me as I try to find
Strength
A Strength I know dwells inside
Why do you run?, I find you ask
I run from scars from the past
A pain not want to be felt again
Hidden hurt yet to be set free
Your Words drift into my soul
You do not fear the darkness
Yet you fear loves scars
I draw closer finding your wisdom
In your words
A reminder of who I am
A strong wind blowing through the trees
I feel my fears fade away
Like the wind once  so strong
Now calm
Trust so long not given
Returned to you
No urge to run from fears
Of lost  loves hurtful scars
I draw closer to your light
With trust and faith 
Two lights that shine so bright
You fade into the shadows
My mind plagued with thoughts
Chaos runs through my mind
The darkness My once safe place
The black wolf stands by my side 

 My constant companion faithful and strong

 

2 weeks ago. September 12, 2022 at 9:05 AM

Though loss their is light
Through hart ache there is release
I find my thoughts are calm yet not seeking the darkness or the light 
my soul content.
Is it through loss and heartache that you find peace.
That walking into water frees your soul
Allowing me to see my reflection
The  glimps of the light in my soul
The cold water stings you skin
Sets your senses alight
Ignites a lost fire
Awakens your mind yet calms your soul  The sound of  the waves
That crash through my mind
The wind blows my hair in the wind
Yet crisp and cool
Beautiful peaceful calm
The sun warming my skin
The sand between my toes
Letting past hurt wash away
The waves carry it from body
And cleanses my soul
Washing away fear held for so long
Allowing only me to be left   

2 weeks ago. September 10, 2022 at 5:05 AM

I must admit that I am the first one outside in rain

The sound a storm in the distance calls
Calls me out from the shelter into the openess
A place where I can expose myself
A place where I can feel it's full effect
The wind whipping through the tress
Points towards where I shall follow
The first rain drops hitting my skin
A tantalising taste
The smell of the air changes
Fresh crisp moist
Creatures that hide from the heat and sun
Come out to play
The sound of thunder in the distance
Loud and strong
I follow longing for more
The rain grows stronger
The lights in the sky showing the way
The moister under my feet
The sounds grow closer
As if calling my name
I find my self paused
The heavy rain stings my skin
Yet drips from my skin
Blurs my eyes
Yet the lighting in the darkness
Electrify's them ignites them
I dare not close them
I don't want to miss a thing
The sound should be deafening
Yet I hear every noise
My senses darting from one to the other
Yet I find complete peace
The wind so strong
Yet a peaceful whistle
A desire to stand under the middle of the storm

It's energy and power I am in awe of.

 

2 weeks ago. September 8, 2022 at 2:38 AM

The journey has taught me so much
The paths that where long and entwined no longer call for me
The black wolf that lurked in the shadows now my constant companion.
The darkness he was calling me towards
As if being called home
He travels beside me as my silent protector or reminder of where I belong
I find I'm drawn to lost souls
Those that journey in the darkness
Protectors that have fallen and grown tired
Ones that hide beautiful secrets
Souls that seem dark yet I see light
Fallen angels
Pulled towards them as if I am the hunter
Yet I am far from
Craving to know every piece of the puzzle
I pull I can not control
The ones that lurk in the shadows seeking the unknown.

3 weeks ago. September 5, 2022 at 12:32 PM

Prey
I've often thought why is it that I am so drawn to prey
something all so un formiliar yet something so familiar.
Is this why I am drawn to the darkness

As we walk through the darkness he stops
His hand pausing mine to a halt.
My thoughts run wildly, has he senced a danger ahead.
All though I feel no fear for he is my protector
My fears protected with him, his presence
Dominating and powerful.
My trust lies with him
I wait what seems like for ever trusting in his silence
His calmness reassuring my body and soul
He turns me towards him
I search his eyes for answers
Yet all I find is darkness
The darkness that draws me towards it
It calls me beckons me
I know that look the one that my body craves
Yet I wait to hear his words
Take your clothes off
So little words spoken
Yet so powerful
My eyes stare into his looking for answers
While unknowingly undressing
I can feel him watching looking
Taking note of every detail
As if it is him not me
Yet without physical touch
Our souls are one
RUN
One word said ignites and lights my soul
adrenalin runs through my veins
RUN I won't say it again
With out hesitation I run
no destination just run
Thoughts run erratically through my mind
Is he following, is this a test
I have never questioned him before
I shall keep running, he never said stop
The ground is sharp on my feet
The cool night wind bites and my skin
Yet I run until I can no longer
I pause and take in every sound
the wind the rivers running
The creatures that lurk of a night
the noises that only the night can bring
Yet something familiar sets my sense alight
The sound of leaves crunching under his feet
His every breath seems so close Yet so far
His presence is close and every part of me screams run towards him
I yearn for his touch crave him to take him like only he can
My body pulsating with desire
My ears searching for his words
Yet silence
Only the crackling of leaves drawing him closer
RUN
One word sounds so quiet let clear
Flight is set alight in my mind
And my feet follow
The crackling of leaves and sticks grow closer and faster
I glance back to find nothing but darkness
And stumble to my knees and hands
Time goes so slowly
The grasp of hands on my waist
Tight and unforgiving yet soothing
I yearn for them to be tighter
Dragging me closer as my fingers trace the dirt
Down on his knees
I feel his hand on my throat
And his other in my hair
The wolf's in the distance howl
His voice in my ear whispers
Prey you belong to me.

4 weeks ago. August 31, 2022 at 6:59 AM

She does not know what she seeks
Nor to understand the desire that is strong with in.
Left with more confusion when asked to explain.
For how does one explain what you cannot yet understand.
The knowing with every part of you where u belong.
It calls for you, it's beckoning you.
It's words hard to hear and understand.
I follow, drawn towards it
I find peace serenity in a world so unknown.
Hungry with desire for its closeness.
To be embraced by what it holds.
To become one.
The joining of two souls.
Searching for that they do not know.
So pure and not forced.
For I know what I seek can not be forced to be understood.

4 weeks ago. August 31, 2022 at 4:25 AM

A pull like something I have only found once in my journey
It makes me question
My thoughts run erratically through my mind
Chaotically and loud and never ending
Trying to block them out I'm finding impossible
Why is it that you call to me
Why can I feel your soul yet not listen
I find myself seeking your thoughts that are silent to my ears
Yet I find fear that something so pure yet dark is my longing
A fear I do not understand
A fear that you may not see me
A fear I am not worthy of such a soul
I do not fear the dark but feel you lingering in there
Your presence felt yet not seen
A peaceful silence that I have only felt in the back wolf.