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Chaotic and twisted thoughts of my mind

Hello all
I'm unsure if I should create a blog, my thoughts not all will understand, they may seem dark to some yet I find peace in who I am.
This journey is so very new to me and yet I am unsure if I will ever understand my self, yet I am finding peace and comfort in excepting myself.
I find myself writing down my thoughts that are constantly in my mind it helps calm the chaos.
I thought a blog may help me to better understand them.
2 weeks ago. Friday, July 17, 2026 at 10:00 AM

She has learned how to disappear

without ever leaving the room.

 

To lower her eyes

before anyone has to look away.

 

To swallow her questions

before they sound like requests.

 

To offer her body

so, no one has to hold her heart.

 

She edits herself in real time.

Softens the sharp edges of longing.

 

Trims down her expectations

to something easier to manage.

 

Something small enough

not to inconvenience anyone.

 

She no longer waits for reassurance.

 

No longer mistakes heat for meaning.

 

No longer confuses access

with attachment.

 

She studies silence

like it is evidence.

 

Counts the hours between messages.

 

Feels the shift when affection cools

from hunger

to habit

to absence.

 

She wonders what it is about her

that makes men pause.

 

Close enough to reach for.

 

Not close enough to claim.

 

There is a particular kind of ache

that comes from being almost.

Almost enough to crave.

 

Almost enough to keep.

 

Almost enough to matter.

 

She carries herself carefully now.

 

As if too much honesty

might fracture the fragile balance

that allows her to stay.

 

Because the truth feels dangerous.

 

The truth whispers

that she is seasonal.

 

Convenient.

Replaceable.

A moment.

 

Never a decision.

Still, she shows up.

She gives warmth

like it costs her nothing.

 

She folds her wanting

into something quiet and manageable.

 

Because learning to need less

hurts less than hoping for more.

1 month ago. Thursday, June 18, 2026 at 7:59 AM

If i stay, then i lose myself
If I go, then I lose you

If I wait, it'll  will never be me
But if it move on it'll never be you

So what should I do?
Make a left where theres nothing right?

Or make a right where theres nothing left?

1 month ago. Wednesday, June 17, 2026 at 9:41 AM

Sometimes I get trapped in a memory that isn't kind

Like in in a window less room with no source of light

Im surrounded by echo's of voices in my past

And I cover my ears and it never lasts

The voices crawl through the creases and cracks

The light inside me dims and the visions turn black

I forget what sunlight feels like

I forget what its like to dance

I forget that life is beautiful

I forget that this will pass

If you find yourself trapped in a room similar to mine

Reach your hand into the dark

And I think that you will find that I am reaching back

Ill take your hand in my own

It is better to be in a dark room together then to be in a dark room alone 

1 month ago. Tuesday, June 16, 2026 at 8:38 AM

Ask me how I want to be loved

And this is my only reply

I am like a book thats been read enough times that there's no hesitation in the spine.

I know that I am not difficult to read but sometimes I wish someone would think im half as mysterious as I want to be.

I like sunsets and shooting stars as much as the next person.

I love simplicity and raindrops.

So if you want to know how to love me spend a little extra time appreciating all of my ordinary.

Make me belive the  in stars in a way that no one else does.

Convince me that my fascination with rain drops is worth your adoration.

Search for the intricity in my simplicity, look for the reflection of the stars in my eyes.

And when you love an open book remember to love between the lines.

1 month ago. Friday, June 12, 2026 at 7:20 AM

People ask 

 

Why i love storms 

I never know how to explain it.

 

Maybe its becouse thunder 

 

Never pretends to be silence 

 

The sky breaks when it needs to.

 

The rain falls without apology.

 

And the wind dosnt ask permission 

to be felt.

 

There is something honest 

about a storm.

 

Something i wish more 

people where.

 

So when the clouds gather,

I dont run. I Listen.

 

Becouse some of us find peace

in places the world

Expects us to fear.

 

1 month ago. Thursday, June 4, 2026 at 11:43 PM



Reflections

She walks alone, her wolf by her side.

The darkness her home.

The girl in white lace, with mud apon her face.

She finds reflections in the waters edge.

Sometimes clear allowing clarity.

 

Sometimes it reveals the path ahead.

Full of strength and self worth.

Sometimes a path of the unknown.

Full of mystery and stories untold.

Change in currents leave the water murky.

Revealing glimpses of scars.

Of lost loves, heartache and scars with stories untold.

No matter of time spent seeking clarity reveals no answers.

She walks her journey unknown and untold.

Allowing her eyes to shine bright.

Each step takes her somewhere.

Sometimes forward.

Sometimes back.

2 months ago. Friday, May 29, 2026 at 7:00 AM

Little Miss hopeless romantic.

Little Miss people pleaser.

Little Miss answers your text right away and hands out trust without a second glance.

Little Miss falling in love with people who need healing more than love.

Little Miss always sees the good.

Little Miss making excuses for your understanding kindness.

Little Miss loved you too much.

Little Miss couldn't walk away when I knew I should.

Little Miss 2 and 3 chances, 4 and 5th and 6th.

Little Miss had enough.

Little Miss beginning to unravel the lies you told me.

Little Miss realising empty hearts deserve empty hands.

Little Miss taking back who I was before all of this.

Little Miss realising that I am worth more.

Little Miss I am my Little Miss before I was yours.

3 months ago. Thursday, April 30, 2026 at 10:39 AM

Anticipation builds the moment her eyes open. 

The hours before they meet feels like forever.

Excitement and nervousness rush through her body.

Something new so scary yet so exciting.

A hunger she knows burns within.

Trust built over time leaves her with no fear.

She knows she is safe with him.

To be naked raw intimate primal.

To allow your mind to be free to simply follow instinct.

To let go of all inhabitation.

To allow him to lead.

She stands before him not knowing how to lead.

Simple touch calms racing thoughts.

Commands lead to quiet.

No need to think.

Hands trace skin.

Every curve every inch.

Soft gentle yet strong.

He leads.

Time disappears somewhere between pleasure and pain.

In that moment.

She is his.

His to use for his every need.

She has a hunger a desire to be used by him.

Lost in a moment time and place.

4 months ago. Friday, March 27, 2026 at 2:45 AM

She waits and watches.
He gathers his ropes.
Her day long, her mind full.
Her ears listen intensity.
Anticipation, excitement.
Her eyes watch.
With what ropes will he chose tonight.
The smell of rope lingering in the air.
Familiar, calming.
The running of ropes
Finding the bite.
She listens intently.
He steps forward.
The touch of rope
Falls on her skin.
Dangles upon her like a skilk dress.
Ran through hands of the craftsmen.
His hands brush her skin.
Rope follows hands
Such a beautiful dance in sight.
His breath left lingering on her neck.
She counts everyone
Of them.
Knots made.
Some gently hug.
Tention pulled they
Bite a little harder.
Her mind starts to drift.
She finds quiet and calm.
A grounding She longs to live in.
She is now his master peice.
And he her artist.

4 months ago. Thursday, March 5, 2026 at 10:34 PM

Roles/Titles where has the depth and meaning of the lifestlye gone?

The old ways seem lost to the new.

So many rush without understanding, education and forget that titles and roles hold a meaning, respect and depth behind them.

As I scroll the net I see it so many times titles thrown out there.

I question have you educated your self on the true meaning of that title?
Does it represent you?
Are you true to that title?

One i see often in two diffrent forms is Alpha Sub

Below is the original meaning of what a Alpha sub is...

Alpha Sub
An Alpha Sub is a Submissive who holds a position of power within a polyamorous or hierarchical BDSM structure. They are often the "lead Sub" within a dynamic involving multiple submissives and may have authority to give orders to lower-ranking submissives while still being subordinate to the primary Dominant.

The new ways states basically that a Aplha sub is a strong sub that does not submit easily and is capable of looking after themselves and does not need a Dominant as they are in control of their every day life unless they choose to submit.

To me all subs are strong in their own way, in their own submission.

They may have a stressful job or day to day lifestlye.


When we choose to submit to someone it is becouse we have found that Dominant worthy as they do with us.

One who can give us grounding and quiet.
Allow us to have a safe place within them where the outside world drifts away.

That is the exchange of power.

It dosnt matter if your a puppy/little/service sub ect all subs are strong in their own way.

submission is a strength in its own.