Poetry and Introspection.

I'm so tired of waking up crying.

Its a constant emotional rollercoaster, and all I want is to hug someone, and kiss them, and make it all go away.

I've been down the rabbit hole, and I've made some mistakes. I'm tired of feeling shame for all the bad things I've seen. I dont want any part of the negative energy in BDSM...or just life in general.

I need to be in a dynamic built on love, trust and happy thoughts.

Im a hugger and a cryer. I've done some stupid things, and as I'm getting older I have to learn to just keep breathing, and accept the fact that we can't change the past, we can only live in the now, and try to improve on the future.

I need to say thankyou to someone.

I put a post out recently on fetlife. I put an advert up asking for someone to domme me -  completely break me emotionally and reset me.

I was in a bad way.

I received a response from a woman in the USA, who... well.. lets just say she's been down the rabbit hole too - and had lots of experiences she was trying to forget. We ended up talking.. well frankly a ridiculous amount over the weekend, and she was incredibly kind and considerate. She recognised that I didn't need to be dominated - but that I just needed someone to talk to. We shared pretty much all of our thoughts, and secrets, and it was a deeply emotional, healing and very touching experience for me.

She also explained some of the encounters she's had on Fetlife, and the things that she's had to deal with......And can I just say.. what the actual fuck? There are some really shitty people out there - incredibly disgusting and horrible and christ. It really reset my opinion on these types of sites, and I understand now why people... particularly women... are so cautious and apprehensive when talking to people. She told me some things... wow. I dont want to repeat what this guy made her do.

Just to be clear - I'm writing a sort of anonymous blog - about an anonymous person, who fucked up another anonymous person. And this motherfucker did something so bad - I dont want to write it.
Towards the end, when she was trying to get out - and blocked him - he bought a burner phone so he could keep harassing her.

I just can't compute that people want to do things like this. This is really not ok guys - if you're reading this and thinking "Oh dude - I''m pretty sure she must have asked for it ..  I mean she wanted to be dominated right?" FUCK YOU - assholes like you are the problem. None of that is kink - its abuse, plain and simple - its nothing short of full on abuse. I KNOW what you said to her.

So here is my brief open letter to this douchebag , scummy moronic degenerate on Fetlife-

"Oh hello... its you! there you are!"

THE ASSHOLE: "who me?"

"Yeah... You!" 
"Hello .. can you hear me... is this thing on?.. hey ... can you turn the microphone on?"

"You there - yeah you - no not you the one on the right - thats it YOU!!!"

"There you are motherfucker. The asshole! - you know who you are - the shitbag who gets his kicks pushing someone so far past their limits they struggle to even breathe some days, they're still crying so hard because they're so fucked up by what you did!
You took advantage of her because she was in an emotionally vulnerable situation!"

"She was on the edge and needed help - and boy, that was your fucking paradise right? Someone who doesn't know which way is up you can take advantage of?!? Fuck you, you absolute piece of shit. There are things you dont do. There are limits you dont go beyond. There are things you NEVER say. You're a real piece of work - go fuck yourself buddy!"

"I struggle to hate anyone - I really do - but I think you fit the bill - I could happily see you locked up and throw away the key."

"Heres the thing see asshole...... i struggle with my thoughts all the time - I have bad thoughts every day - you think you''re the ONLY person out their with unfulfilled desires? NO! -  but theres a big difference between thinking and acting you asshole. YOU HAVE A CHOICE!"

"We all have that ape inside of us - the depraved beast that wants to just let loose and have fun - to take and take and take until the well runs dry - but guess what asshole - WE DONT DO IT! "

"Why? Because we're not fucking animals - we want to live in some form of civilised society - and honestly, speaking on a more personal level - 
I want to be able to sleep at night - I want to be able to live with my actions. I want to be able to feel like I'm some sort of morally accountable person"

"Apparently that doesn't apply to you though buddy eh? What the fuck happened to you? You didn't get laid enough when you were younger? You got ignored by everyone you tried to hit on, because they sussed your poisonous demeanour?
You blame all the women and are on some kind of self indulgent crusade? FUCK YOU ASSHOLE  - what you did is not ok!!"

...And breath.

I'm really angry about this. I came off a call, and this person is really scarred by what happened - and very upset - and its not her fault. None of it is her fault, and I hope she knows that - at least I told her so. But if she happens to stumble here... if you're reading this ... I'll say it again:

"Its not your fault."

Ozzy was the greatest, but he was the cruelest too.

With a grimace and a sneer and coldest stare that cut right through.

There were no others like him he was born with traits so rare,

Like his father- ruthless choices driven through without a care.

Alpha males will strive to fight their way to rule the pack,

by snarling, growling, biting fierce and beating others back.

But when the sun has set and darkness creeps across the land,

When the Beasts have had their rabid pleasures on demand.

Quietly he sneaks and tiptoes cautiously the halls,

finds the Beasties sleeping carefree sprawled along the walls.

With a simple lick of fate, a cut, so clean - a nick!

The Beasties - Alphas all, are too their deaths so quick.

He watches as they bleed out and some wake with panicked eyes,

reaching vainly for him- but far too late realise.

Ozzy had it planned - you see - he had not missed a trick.

Stupid wee tut Beasties, busy pleasuring their pricks!

Ozzy wants it all - to rule an empire by decree.

And wo betide the fools who think to stand in front of he!

I'm searching for a dog... as they are more reliable than people - and endless bundles of unconditional love. Anyway I read this today and it made me smile. It was written by Mr Pope on the collar of a dog he gave to his royal highness Frederick - Prince of Wales in 1738 - it's famous, but I hadn't heard it in quite a while.


                   "I am his Highness' dog at Kew;
                   Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?"

One day my princess...nay...  my Queen! will come.
My Goddess from across the sea.
I'll finally realise that there is one
who's slightly different, just like me.

I'll wrap her in an ocean of hugs,
and a sea of cuddles,
on an island of kisses.
Nothing will be too good for she!

She who connects the long lost dots.
She sees completely,
Yet still, loves me.

“Good morning Mr Tumble” said Rabbit.

Mr Tumble nodded curtly , and turned and moved quickly, his hands a blur and his coat tail shimmering with morning dew.

“We’re going up!” he said- “Hold on to your Hats!”

 “Up and away flies my giant turtle, my creator of worlds!”

Moon rays and space dolphins swim and wriggle across the cosmic path. A great purple and orange ribbon that streaks overhead and rips through the galaxy. 

“How do you stay on course Mr Tumble?” wonders the rabbit. Nibble Nibble.

“Yes!! Yes!! and how will I know which way to run?” asked the greyhound nervously. 

Mr Tumble looked kind but stern ”Dear rabbit! there is no direction here- we go where the wind blows.”

“Not for us to wonder why, the ribbon in the sky.” Says Mr Tumble.

”Jungle Quake!! Galactic Shake!! Daughter, Jupiter - mess she make!!” he said abruptly… looking slightly mad, staring intently at something in the distance. 

He looked lost in thought, trying to remember something important. 

“We are who we are rabbit- we go where we are needed.” Mr Tumble turned away and focussed on his task. 

“ I don’t like it up here, it’s awfully high!!” said the greyhound. 
“You won’t fall, you silly noodle horse!” shouted Mr Tumble as the wind picked up, 

“You’re a metaphor! no one can ever hurt you- you’re safe with me forever! Rabbit too!”

Bunny Rabbit, funny habit, zipping left and right. Twitch of nose and wiggle of tail. What is it you truly desire fleetfoot?

”Apparently we’re going down now!!….Everyday a new adventure!” said Mr Tumble , as rabbit and greyhound stared in wonderment at the stardust twinkling around them. 

Ok. So obviously I didn't write this. Edward Lear did.

I just like reading out loud.... all the time.
So I guess I'm recording it for once.

Not sure why.... but why not.

Seek the Sore
Sub of Measure
Clasp the bolts
Abaddon’s Pleasure

Unfurl the sails.
Retract the hooks.
A callowed pale
The glance untook

Stench the touch
Blackened Cradle
Shink the Shanks
Oh Putrid Fable!

Immortal Chains
Rusting Sever
Behoovened Maw
Ole Jack is Clever

A clutch of craven
Liche undone
Danger! Flee!
Panic! RUN!

A dormant door.
That cancerous glee.
Set Fyre the Beacons.
Jack be Free

...Oh

.......No

I seek a sub
Unbridled
Pleasure

Depraved like me.
A Broken treasure.

The tender touch.
The calm embrace.

The calloused hand.
A Roguish Rake.

Firm and strict, Kind and Clever.
Guidance given in good measure.

A Daddy Dom Seeks little brat.
She’ll challenge, poke Incur my wrath.

But I’ll decide when pleasures earned - release for which I know she yearns

Wait till we’re home you taunting shit- a solemn promise. you’ll get it.

the lick of whip,
The tail of leather.

Upon my rack,
Your tingling pleasure

You feel it now
The thump, the crack,

I’ve got methods
I’ll make you quack.

My little magpie,
Purring kitten.

Worshipped always.
Hungry. Smitten.

Whole body sweats,
worked from our flow.

Giggling in the afterglow

I did not know.
I did not see.
This cannot be.
THIS CANNOT BE!

I seek the touch that comforts me.
The snuggled bug inside the tree.
So tall and strong with roots so deep.
The bark that bites,
protecting me.

Keeps the demons at the door.
Holds steadfast on that windswept shore.
The broken bows of ships untold.
The light that dimmed and broke the mould.

I did not know.
I did not see.
This is not fair! It was not me!
This cannot be.
THIS CANNOT BE!

Set on rails of narrow view,
by guiding hands believing true.
The door slid shut.
The cabin dark.
The light you see could stir the shark.

So keep the light from coming through.
Its different from the light you knew.
Those hazy musky dusted rays,
will cause you ill and rue your days.

Stay on the tracks and keep the course.
You'll be that perfect little horse.
The pristine toy, the soldier boy.
That shining penny, real McCoy.

I did not know,
I did not see.
This cannot be!
This cannot be!
Oh woe is me!

The train now stopped,
The cabin rusted,
Crack broken through old door encrusted.
Light at last had burrowed in,
That dusky crypt its walls so thin.

Where years before the toy stood tall,
A broken faded shell so small.
That colt, once shiny coat so pale.
The penny green, tainted and frail.
Those glistening soldier eyes bright blue,
Greyed out and dull, and broken through.

I had to know.
I had to see.
…..I never looked

Stupid is as stupid be.
Stupid me.

A Cluster of fucks is what we got.
One fuck alone; enough not rot.