I'm so tired of waking up crying.
Its a constant emotional rollercoaster, and all I want is to hug someone, and kiss them, and make it all go away.
I've been down the rabbit hole, and I've made some mistakes. I'm tired of feeling shame for all the bad things I've seen. I dont want any part of the negative energy in BDSM...or just life in general.
I need to be in a dynamic built on love, trust and happy thoughts.
Im a hugger and a cryer. I've done some stupid things, and as I'm getting older I have to learn to just keep breathing, and accept the fact that we can't change the past, we can only live in the now, and try to improve on the future.
I need to say thankyou to someone.
I put a post out recently on fetlife. I put an advert up asking for someone to domme me - completely break me emotionally and reset me.
I was in a bad way.
I received a response from a woman in the USA, who... well.. lets just say she's been down the rabbit hole too - and had lots of experiences she was trying to forget. We ended up talking.. well frankly a ridiculous amount over the weekend, and she was incredibly kind and considerate. She recognised that I didn't need to be dominated - but that I just needed someone to talk to. We shared pretty much all of our thoughts, and secrets, and it was a deeply emotional, healing and very touching experience for me.
She also explained some of the encounters she's had on Fetlife, and the things that she's had to deal with......And can I just say.. what the actual fuck? There are some really shitty people out there - incredibly disgusting and horrible and christ. It really reset my opinion on these types of sites, and I understand now why people... particularly women... are so cautious and apprehensive when talking to people. She told me some things... wow. I dont want to repeat what this guy made her do.
Just to be clear - I'm writing a sort of anonymous blog - about an anonymous person, who fucked up another anonymous person. And this motherfucker did something so bad - I dont want to write it.
Towards the end, when she was trying to get out - and blocked him - he bought a burner phone so he could keep harassing her.
I just can't compute that people want to do things like this. This is really not ok guys - if you're reading this and thinking "Oh dude - I''m pretty sure she must have asked for it .. I mean she wanted to be dominated right?" FUCK YOU - assholes like you are the problem. None of that is kink - its abuse, plain and simple - its nothing short of full on abuse. I KNOW what you said to her.
So here is my brief open letter to this douchebag , scummy moronic degenerate on Fetlife-
"Oh hello... its you! there you are!"
THE ASSHOLE: "who me?"
"Yeah... You!"
"Hello .. can you hear me... is this thing on?.. hey ... can you turn the microphone on?"
"You there - yeah you - no not you the one on the right - thats it YOU!!!"
"There you are motherfucker. The asshole! - you know who you are - the shitbag who gets his kicks pushing someone so far past their limits they struggle to even breathe some days, they're still crying so hard because they're so fucked up by what you did!
You took advantage of her because she was in an emotionally vulnerable situation!"
"She was on the edge and needed help - and boy, that was your fucking paradise right? Someone who doesn't know which way is up you can take advantage of?!? Fuck you, you absolute piece of shit. There are things you dont do. There are limits you dont go beyond. There are things you NEVER say. You're a real piece of work - go fuck yourself buddy!"
"I struggle to hate anyone - I really do - but I think you fit the bill - I could happily see you locked up and throw away the key."
"Heres the thing see asshole...... i struggle with my thoughts all the time - I have bad thoughts every day - you think you''re the ONLY person out their with unfulfilled desires? NO! - but theres a big difference between thinking and acting you asshole. YOU HAVE A CHOICE!"
"We all have that ape inside of us - the depraved beast that wants to just let loose and have fun - to take and take and take until the well runs dry - but guess what asshole - WE DONT DO IT! "
"Why? Because we're not fucking animals - we want to live in some form of civilised society - and honestly, speaking on a more personal level -
I want to be able to sleep at night - I want to be able to live with my actions. I want to be able to feel like I'm some sort of morally accountable person"
"Apparently that doesn't apply to you though buddy eh? What the fuck happened to you? You didn't get laid enough when you were younger? You got ignored by everyone you tried to hit on, because they sussed your poisonous demeanour?
You blame all the women and are on some kind of self indulgent crusade? FUCK YOU ASSHOLE - what you did is not ok!!"
...And breath.
I'm really angry about this. I came off a call, and this person is really scarred by what happened - and very upset - and its not her fault. None of it is her fault, and I hope she knows that - at least I told her so. But if she happens to stumble here... if you're reading this ... I'll say it again:
"Its not your fault."