the grassy knoll

all thoughts of you

are a toruture

to every cell of my being 

the aching dream

of running my hands up and down your thighs

burying your cock

into my soul

the back of my throat a mere

consolation prize 

flopping 

and flipping 

wistfully dreaming of softer things 

dragging you around the world 

to all of the stunning places 

just to see the look in your eyes 

I was unaware that someone could exist so beautifully 

and unaware

admitting it yourself in the first step

so they say

but you should know that I adore you

the yearning to lay myself at the mercy of  your will 

an offering 

opportunity

te quiero mucho, lover boy

nothing really explains 

that first intimacy 

with no hold barred 

and complete explosure between two souls 

we shared a phone 

passwords

accounts 

emails 

identities 

there was no clear distinction between one diety or the other 

but the worship we held for 

each other 

was tangible 

sour sticky sweet

 and oh so real

nothing really explains 

why nothing gold can stay 

but we are held fast and tight 

to the human ideals that surround us 

and influnce our biology on a traumatizing level 

whether our hearts 

ebb and flow with the moon and sun we are 

captured 

here on earth

by the soil and salt 

until we are reclaimed

and made whole 

so vibrant and alive 

maybe I'm smitten 

but maybe I'd never survive 

if you looked at me like that 

As if 

a sick and ridiculous dream

there is nothing

within me that could evoke 

such tenderness 

from someone like you 

how she can't see whats right in front of her 

should be a capital offense 

though you put on a good show 

there is no pretending 

as words on a page 

as soon as the literate eye is met 

deciphers and devoured 

deeply felt and wholly understood 

nevertheless we persist

fodder for my broken ego

and i'm sure yours too 

meanwhile, the slow seep of surrender is my ultimate betrayal 

it's always safer to place losing bets

through the eons of existence 

the consistency of fate 

rebounds consciousness 

why can't that be what it is this time? 

total nonsense 

inexplicable 

fate 

i'll hate you the moment you walk into the room 

my most ardent hope

that it will

melt away in an instant 

and i can hug you tight and warm

without puking 

or burping! 

indelicate

anxious indigestion 

truly, i am the bravest girl in the world 

to allow the indulgence of human emotion

unprecendent and uncalled for 

But we forge ahead and through uncharted territory grasping for significant beyond the individual 

The 

Individual

The Man 

A prime specimen of one, at that 

we aren't allowed to think about that! 

not anymore 

one thing at a time 

health

care 

home and 

wealth care 

love only fits in where it falls 

into each other and ourselves and 

ideally 

not through the cracks 

and back into the past 

if only a heart could break all at once 

rather than wilting slowly as a well tended flower 

each petal falls and another shattered panel of good memories has tumbled along with it 

where i had found peace and joy

for the first time 

was mirage 

illuysionary and 

cruel

if only people could leave well enough alone 

is it that impossible to depart with good intentions?

maybe something inside of me has been so fouled along the way 

this is as i am

compounded down into a small enough piece

of mind 

that you carry with you always 

fulfillment in service 

of you

there is something disheartening in knowing 

ignorance may be bliss 

after all 

cradled in strong arms 

father time has whisked us awake 

and far beyond the comprehension of mortals

there is a boundless nothing that 

inescapes 

the limited mind 

voided 

and packaged for return 

there is nothing worse 

than not being allowed back

home 

where your heart knows that you belong 

is a place that doesn't 

exist 

on this plane 

no matter how far you 

might want to

fly 

grounding can keep 

eyes on the horizon 

and traction

propulsion can be 

formulaic 

while interaction

is beyond calculation

comprehensive 

without form and 

void 

throughout 

a residual tone 

as it echos 

out to no one 

allow me for a moment 

to yearn

for the slightest brush of your fingertips 

the remiscent odor of you having just left the room 

I need to replace all of these 

fondnesses 

caresses 

careful whispers 

with something new 

rebuild 

not recreate 

but pave over 

the painful bits 

under the guiding hands 

of someone who actually knows what the fuck they are doing 

someone I actually respect,

I guess 

is it my heart 

or the compressions 

because as you bring me back to life 

you're killing me inside 

the dull ache that i'm so familiar with

creeps around the edges of your smile 

when you see it's me 

and it's teasing my tender heart 

my own fault 

for diving in

and knowing 

the depth was never there 

they really aren't helping anything 

but there they are 

taunting me with our compatbility 

a day in the life 

of waking up to you

around you

and begging for the taste of you

to break my fast 

and sustain my morning 

hands around my skull

whispering husky nothings 

and allowing me to melt into your skin

as we go our seperate ways

throughout our responsible days 

the tease and taunt 

of appreciation 

for our respective roles

desires

structuring time around your movements 

stretching the fabric of reality to align us entirely

while time maybe be a construct 

you are a monument 

to everything a man should be 

aware and alert

compassionate and flawed 

every inch of your soliloquoy has entranced me entirely

maybe it's just that I know what I want now 

and we're both a specific brand of desire 

ebbed 

and set to flow in full force by the end of the day

washing over us like a sigh of relief and we lay back and let the smoke encircle the room

blowing you out like a candle 

has got to be the best way to end the day

that I'll likely never know 

lonesome

maybe it's genetic

a long line of 

misunderstood

miscreant 

addled 

assholes

self important 

righteous and appointed 

maybe we've earned it 

though I am left 

rejoicing in solitude

while forlorn at the echos of my heartstrings

resonating 

through the sorrows i've forgotten to keep track of 

washing over me 

when I least expect 

to need a break

yeah yeah

everything is fine 

dont think 

too much about it all

it'll happen regardless

and if I just do it

it would be done already

but if I'm doing everything 

including myself

then what use do I have 

for anyone else