The Grassy Knoll

or the feelings? 

I've never really been able to determine 

the root cause 

though I am aware of some sort of dysfunction

as I like to say with music 

I don't have that great of an ear 

Definitely know when something is off 

Though not sure where to go from there

Maybe we try something new this time 

Grab ahold of the fear and discordant chaos 

Eh

Maybe we don't 

Peace and a chance to breathe

Deeply 

Delved into myself 

No one else 

Interloping 

Interfering 

Exerting their power 

However subtle and soft 

Constant distaste and dissatisfaction 

Through no flaws or faults 

Except my own? 

I am a good person

Who deserves love 

But does that mean I must accept all the love I am offered?

How spoiled a thought 

To have love enough to turn away 

As I think so little of myself to take whatever could be offered 

Because there will be nothing else 

that softens my gaze 

curls the corners of my mouth slowly into a reluctant 

blush-cheeked 

smile

but the need to evoke the romantic. On sight. 

Tripping over myself to worship them as one would god

Not the consolation of trust and attention

inscrutable sweetness 

you

are the calm in the eye of the storm

sturdy and withstanding 

through the whiplash and misery 

second guesses 

coming around for fourths and fifths 

as I realize myself 

I want to guard against you

you

feels foolish

flighty

fearsome 

to trust that tremendous 

tantalizing 

slip slide 

into safety

I thought I had felt lost before 

flitting like a leaf in the wind 

aimless and void of life 

mere existence 

when your only comfort is that the past can be meaningless, if you need it to be 

it sets you adrift

over and over and over and over and over again

with no roots 

in soil or in mind 

how can you keep from

floating 

flying 

losing your way 

allowing space to feel

to heal

is foreign

and feels benign 

but here we are 

"doing the work"

trying new things 

hoping for new outcomes 

there's no accounting for taste i guess 

there's nothing really keeping me from releasing everything that I've held back for so many years

out of loyalty

devotion

love 

in an instant it all left me 

i almost don't even feel betrayed because if he wasn't ever who i thought he was 

then he was never the true object of my adoration 

i saw in him 

myself 

the crown he dared to wear 

brazenly in front of me 

preening and parading himself around as if I wasn't even there 

robbing me blind and getting me to thank him for it 

little does he know 

oh how little does he really truly know 

in all his vast knowledge of the reaches of reality 

the boundless void of his subconscious is formidable

the golden goddess is immune to blasphemy 

her existence, a rejection of perception

that which you cannot perceive 

you cannot blaspheme 

how quickly tenderness can be revoked 

what was once caring, and soft 

now lies hardened, flint-like

ready to spark

grit uniformed 

and controlled 

where grace once surrounded his name there is 

a well of hope 

that it's possible we never truly met 

but simply walked past each other 

on our way somewhere else 

All we're all looking for 

is someone who's looking for us 

in all of our specificities 

complexities 

and sadnesses 

and when they see us 

they know us 

and finally we can understand ourselves

Other people don't know shit 

Be alone 

and discover yourself 

so that you may gain understanding 

beyond the moment 

and carry it with you for the rest of your life 

Desires are so indefinable. What I want from one person does not mirror what I want from another, or at all in some cases. So many people, in this community specifically it seems as well, know exactly what it is that they want. Unwavering. Staunch and confident, defined. 

It's not enviable, but curious. Not sure how observing those so far removed from my own process of existence benefits me but it's a good feeling, to see people be so sure of themselves and how they operate. I don't understand it, and I'm not sure that the same actions twice will ever result in continuity. The deep longing that draws me back over and over again is for intimacy and safety. 

The last relationship that I found myself in had an abundance of intimacy, but no safety. The one time actually became vulnerable, I was told it was "scary" and he didn't realize "things were really that bad for [me]". Not that he didn't believe me. 

I'm happy being alone until I find a medium. 

of my goddamn time and energy 

it's really pretty pathetic that I thought you would be any different 

just because you said you would be

how inconvenient of me 

to believe you

actually give you the chance to be what you said you were 

how silly of me 

how absolutely delusional 

headstrong

intent on my own misery

and the full weight of desire 

no one really cares what you want

their interest is derived from their own self service 

how what you want

affects them 

and their effective collective 

differential is meaningless

when I can't understand any of you anyway 

wallowing around in the filth of feelings 

Unpleasant!

but I want to understand 

for once 

dissolve into knowing 

where no self is left 

and we can be open

alone 

together

and free 

fuck off 

honestly, I would be honored if you would take offense 

to my salacious farewell

to your tedious and dysfunctional tendencies. 

I no longer have the patience 

to be kind 

and understanding 

when the situation warrants 

white hot 

righteous rage 

My resolution

a toast 

or a promise 

to this new year

and new life 

is to be a menace 

to all disruption of our peace 

Ed 

Ive 

Ing

the act and active service in doing so 

such a numbing sweetness 

that brings on a sadness 

akin to a dying star

 instant

devastating 

inspiring

you've got to let it linger

in the far reaches of the mind  

swaying gently in the breeze 

like twin souls finally bound

basking in the slumber of safety

cradled gently

in the goddamn hammock