the grassy knoll

is that I want to be the fetish

craving 

unstatiable desire

just me 

whoever that is 

sense

sense

sense

sense

sense

sense

sense

sense

sense

sense

sense

sense

sense

sensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesensesense

but over and 

over 

and over again

please 

and thank you

I've never made eye contact with anyone else 

definitely not this often

the infinite moment when you reach the deepest parts of me 

and linger 

increasing the need for you 

and fulfilling it all at once 

screaming and shouting is forbidden 

but you want to hear me 

and there are inescapable moments of ecstasy 

where you overtake me entirely

and get what you want 

no will left of my own 

I want to reach out 

but I won't

it always ends the same 

I miss you

but it's dumb 

and I miss everyone 

Connection isn't all that rare

but people who value it are

I thought you

we did 

I don't know 

I suppose it doesn't really matter 

Not that there's anything wrong with that. 

Solitude is where we find ourselves, 

or so the pensive like to say 

Being lonely offers you a distinct perspective

I'm not though

Lonely

Overwrought

disorganized

Slightly confused most of the time to be honest with you

Not really lonely though

Off put

by humanity as a whole 

would probably be more apt

Though I often find myself seeking connection

Life is much more comfortable without it 

Like missing your mom

when she never really acted like one 

in those universal moments where we all long for her 

the feeling doesn't prompt you to ring her up like some would never hesitate to do 

people tend to laugh a lot 

when I talk

or tell stories

but you would have to bind and drag me on stage to perform comedy

which is the same way I feel about dating now 

prospectives love to talk about effort 

"show me you care"

honey, I don't 

and it's going to take a lot to change that 

honestly the connection I long most for is community

knit bond together through sheer intimacy 

i find myself reaching out as much as possible to my people 

spread far and thin

because forging bonds out of desperation

is troped out for me 

There are humans out there 

I know 

Who could bond and relate 

But the exhaustion of socialization 

is something I'm reserving for game days and birthday parties at this point 

Reveling in briefness of expanding solitude 

or the feelings? 

I've never really been able to determine 

the root cause 

though I am aware of some sort of dysfunction

as I like to say with music 

I don't have that great of an ear 

Definitely know when something is off 

Though not sure where to go from there

Maybe we try something new this time 

Grab ahold of the fear and discordant chaos 

Eh

Maybe we don't 

Peace and a chance to breathe

Deeply 

Delved into myself 

No one else 

Interloping 

Interfering 

Exerting their power 

However subtle and soft 

Constant distaste and dissatisfaction 

Through no flaws or faults 

Except my own? 

I am a good person

Who deserves love 

But does that mean I must accept all the love I am offered?

How spoiled a thought 

To have love enough to turn away 

As I think so little of myself to take whatever could be offered 

Because there will be nothing else 

that softens my gaze 

curls the corners of my mouth slowly into a reluctant 

blush-cheeked 

smile

but the need to evoke the romantic. On sight. 

Tripping over myself to worship them as one would god

Not the consolation of trust and attention

inscrutable sweetness 

you

are the calm in the eye of the storm

sturdy and withstanding 

through the whiplash and misery 

second guesses 

coming around for fourths and fifths 

as I realize myself 

I want to guard against you

you

feels foolish

flighty

fearsome 

to trust that tremendous 

tantalizing 

slip slide 

into safety

I thought I had felt lost before 

flitting like a leaf in the wind 

aimless and void of life 

mere existence 

when your only comfort is that the past can be meaningless, if you need it to be 

it sets you adrift

over and over and over and over and over again

with no roots 

in soil or in mind 

how can you keep from

floating 

flying 

losing your way 

allowing space to feel

to heal

is foreign

and feels benign 

but here we are 

"doing the work"

trying new things 

hoping for new outcomes 

there's no accounting for taste i guess 

there's nothing really keeping me from releasing everything that I've held back for so many years

out of loyalty

devotion

love 

in an instant it all left me 

i almost don't even feel betrayed because if he wasn't ever who i thought he was 

then he was never the true object of my adoration 

i saw in him 

myself 

the crown he dared to wear 

brazenly in front of me 

preening and parading himself around as if I wasn't even there 

robbing me blind and getting me to thank him for it 

little does he know 

oh how little does he really truly know 

in all his vast knowledge of the reaches of reality 

the boundless void of his subconscious is formidable

the golden goddess is immune to blasphemy 

her existence, a rejection of perception

that which you cannot perceive 

you cannot blaspheme 

how quickly tenderness can be revoked 

what was once caring, and soft 

now lies hardened, flint-like

ready to spark

grit uniformed 

and controlled 

where grace once surrounded his name there is 

a well of hope 

that it's possible we never truly met 

but simply walked past each other 

on our way somewhere else 

All we're all looking for 

is someone who's looking for us 

in all of our specificities 

complexities 

and sadnesses 

and when they see us 

they know us 

and finally we can understand ourselves

Other people don't know shit 

Be alone 

and discover yourself 

so that you may gain understanding 

beyond the moment 

and carry it with you for the rest of your life