The Grassy Knoll

So deep in my emotions, just the thought of Cameron Diaz made me tear up. I could elaborate but why not just leave it at that. 

I can’t wait to even out. But it’s nice to feel again. 

maybe I'm just bored but I can't help but think things would be less bleak if it were you instead of him

Maybe what I do really want is to be alone? Ultimately that may not be true but I do need more space than this to cohabitate in that's for goddamn sure. 

I've spent a lot of time trying to process my current relationship. It does not fall within the scope but there is a certain dynamic. I am not uncomfortable but I can't help but overthink, as usual. 

Often I've considered that I am damned to wonder. If there are not those who continuously wonder beyond their contended state, then where would we find true progress of humanity? The cursed model of success that the current state of man has us tethered to does not encourage the creative thought that we desperately need to foster to survive. The outlet of social media has eaten most of that space, as many found no where else to turn. 

I am as happy as I ever am. I do love him. But am I in love? Does it matter? Someone who serves and strives to make me happy and appreciates my own efforts in return is a nice, safe, and comfortable space at the moment. 

I am worried that I will detach and get bored and end up hurting him, as I have done time and again. Though I have avoided committed relationships for the most part so far. Emotional damage does not require a label. 

Sometimes I still find myself craving that guiding hand. Someone who I can fall into and let go of all that worries me without the real fear of everything falling apart. Someone I know I can trust to make compassionate and intelligent choices regardless of the circumstance. 

Things have been going well. I'm not lonely. 

But I still think of you. And miss you. The thrill of your attention. I still feel it when we talk. 

I hate it. I wish I didn't. 

I don’t really know how much longer I’ll be here but I had a decent time.

Never believe that it’s too late to find what will push you forward. No matter how long you feel like you’ve been standing still. Life always shifts. And provides.

Sometimes it will be enough. Sometimes it won’t. It’s worth finding out which it will be. Never believe that you are alone and that you cannot push forward. You are everything. Made up of stars, sea and air. Everything you see that’s beautiful, is you. Even when you lose all hope, faith, and will, never lose trust in that.

I aware that this is selfish. It’s the only thing I could think to do for myself. For as long as I can remember peace has never come easy, or at all. I don’t know what’s going to happen from here honestly but I am sure you will all be better served by my memory than whatever dramatic fucked up shit I could think of while I was here.

I know this means I’ll be back. But I’m more okay with that than staying here like this now.

Utter emptiness and failure.

I tried so hard to be better for all of you. You will never know how much I truly love you. In the sick pathetic way that wants to see you succeed at my detriment. If that’s what it takes to give you the world.

from myself mostly 

I tend to be too intense for my own good 

fully devote to whatever flight of fancy I have latched onto for the day

week

month

next decade of my life 

all the ideas and turmoil of feelings 

I tend to keep things out in the open

in an attempt to depersonalize the most intimate parts of my life 

so that the fear of experience does not overwhelm 

and terrify me 

I miss the connection

Shared obsession

Even in the midst of the emotional upheaval

I need and will take space 

I have matured past the 

all or nothing adoration of fools 

into a space where I am able to take material responsibility in the 

midst of passion.

The denial is sweet. 

Denying him is sweeter. 

You do not need to choose within yourself to be one way or another. 

You are multitudes. Malleable, fluid and changing constantly with each passing mod or moment. We all are and to deny we are is to deny our inherent humanity. Which many do. 

You do not. Self awareness comes at a great cost to our sanity and the cost is greater and greater as society strays farther from "god" or whatever you want to call it. Other people do not see. They do not understand. There is no depth to who they are because there has never been a reason for there to be. 

Feeling weakness within yourself does not make you weak. It makes you aware of your own facets. Even if you don't understand them or what you may be trying to subconsciously communicate to yourself. You're aware of it happening that in and of itself is strength. To look within and see someone you don't recognize is terrifying! It's fair to be in turmoil over it. 

I don't think you will ever understand.

Even if all my plans hold true 

and we end up

as a me and you

There such a force within you 

that drives me quite insane

Sure, you make my stomach churn

with the various things you say

causing me anxiety

scared of chasing you away 

Diving head first 

in my pillow

I pretend I don't care 

But in reality 

I want someone to show me 

That I'm worth the despair

Spreading anxieties 

Talking way too much 

Never knowing how I sound 

Or when to shut the fuck up 

I see myself from a distance 

Far too aware of how I am 

Dissociating from myself 

Is the only way I can 

Make it through the morning 

afternoon

and night 

without silencing myself completely 

after being such a fright.  

I have no idea how I feel but I feel that it is building up within me at an increasing rate. Distracting me from the rest of my life and what I need to be focusing on.

Everywhere I look, I feel there is nothing for me here. A few meager connections. Simply not being alone. But nothing that whispers of permanence or significance lasts. Nothing gold can stay, as they say. I want to love people, friends or lovers or both and all in-between, with much more conviction than people are generally comfortable with without a life long connection. I don't care I don't care, I want to jump in feet first and start running as far as I can into the depth of their hearts. Push aside insecurities and fears of failure to see who they crave becoming. Embracing and nurturing our inner children and running wild and free through love. Not haltingly as though we may trip or break a brittle bone. 

I know I am capable of forming an immediate and passionate connection with someone but I don't know that I am prepared to take that ride. I want to be. I feel in my heart the overwhelming sense of the few who have garnered this reaction from it. Their essences etched into the fabric of my reality permanently. Constantly conscious of where they may be and how they may be faring. It's more exhausting to have no one and wonder if there is anything meaningful left throughout humanity at all. The empty spaces that most provide in place of human interaction is stale. 

My greatest desire is to be understood.