the grassy knoll

Desires are so indefinable. What I want from one person does not mirror what I want from another, or at all in some cases. So many people, in this community specifically it seems as well, know exactly what it is that they want. Unwavering. Staunch and confident, defined. 

It's not enviable, but curious. Not sure how observing those so far removed from my own process of existence benefits me but it's a good feeling, to see people be so sure of themselves and how they operate. I don't understand it, and I'm not sure that the same actions twice will ever result in continuity. The deep longing that draws me back over and over again is for intimacy and safety. 

The last relationship that I found myself in had an abundance of intimacy, but no safety. The one time actually became vulnerable, I was told it was "scary" and he didn't realize "things were really that bad for [me]". Not that he didn't believe me. 

I'm happy being alone until I find a medium. 

of my goddamn time and energy 

it's really pretty pathetic that I thought you would be any different 

just because you said you would be

how inconvenient of me 

to believe you

actually give you the chance to be what you said you were 

how silly of me 

how absolutely delusional 

headstrong

intent on my own misery

and the full weight of desire 

no one really cares what you want

their interest is derived from their own self service 

how what you want

affects them 

and their effective collective 

differential is meaningless

when I can't understand any of you anyway 

wallowing around in the filth of feelings 

Unpleasant!

but I want to understand 

for once 

dissolve into knowing 

where no self is left 

and we can be open

alone 

together

and free 

fuck off 

honestly, I would be honored if you would take offense 

to my salacious farewell

to your tedious and dysfunctional tendencies. 

I no longer have the patience 

to be kind 

and understanding 

when the situation warrants 

white hot 

righteous rage 

My resolution

a toast 

or a promise 

to this new year

and new life 

is to be a menace 

to all disruption of our peace 

Ed 

Ive 

Ing

the act and active service in doing so 

such a numbing sweetness 

that brings on a sadness 

akin to a dying star

 instant

devastating 

inspiring

you've got to let it linger

in the far reaches of the mind  

swaying gently in the breeze 

like twin souls finally bound

basking in the slumber of safety

cradled gently

in the goddamn hammock  

at least not just once 

the relief found in 

admittance 

will not suffice 

if I can't see you

at least twice 

convince myself 

that feelings are fleeting 

and the blush on the rose 

will fade rather quickly this time of year 

but you 

exude a difference 

and the buzzing 

entangled feeling

as numbers glide 

and bruises fade 

I find myself missing you

Maybe I've made a huge mistake 

and the pattern that I find myself 

repeating 

stuttering over 

again

leave me craving gallons more 

to drown in your gaze

teasing 

taunting 

bad behavior 

reality should be half a sweet

maybe we're still kids 

giggling under the sheets while eager fingers

search for the sweet spot 

longing just for your laughter

now longing for release 

the sweet sounds of your pleasure 

the ringing in my ears 

pulsing of my pussy

reaching out 

tangled up in your reassurance 

and the risks 

we're both so eager to take 

I seem to be a glutton 

Acting out and 

Rashly 

Ripping my way through rebound after 

Fucking rebound 

Attention seeking 

but less of a whore 

and more of a scared and timid outsider 

Teetering alone, wallflowered 

As though it were a cliff's edge 

And I am brooding and Dickensian 

Forgetting myself 

Behaving selfishly

Though to great personal detriment 

Far too obstinate for guidance 

I should be at peace but within myself is never quieted. 

A never ending stream of questions and possibilities begging for attention. 

Not everything needs to be solved right now, but I suppose conditions are prime for clarity. 

Maybe I should lean back into a bit of mysticism for direction. 

somehow all of these people who say their interest stems from reading my profile thoroughly are not in their literacy era. 

not looking. don't ask. 

far too emotionally volatile to engage in anything at the moment. and generally otherwise occupied.