the grassy knoll

Oh, to love 

Be loved 

Of all the mundane plateaus 

none of you

as much as I'd love for it to be enough

I have such little faith

and less room in my heart

to suffer a fool

So many things have been free falling through my head as of late. It's hard to hold anything still long enough to process it completely but I'm doing my best. 

Dominance is intriguing. The level of trust where you can completely let go and know that adversity will not inevitably follow. Leveling my own control over certain situations also seems to be mandatory for me. I wish I could explore without causing pain. 

Is it love or am I satisfied? 
touch drunk and totally mystified 

questioning everything
 denying myself at every turn

survival may bring a sweet bliss
ideally shared 

tangled and tripping over each other along the way.

So deep in my emotions, just the thought of Cameron Diaz made me tear up. I could elaborate but why not just leave it at that. 

I can’t wait to even out. But it’s nice to feel again. 

maybe I'm just bored but I can't help but think things would be less bleak if it were you instead of him

Maybe what I do really want is to be alone? Ultimately that may not be true but I do need more space than this to cohabitate in that's for goddamn sure. 

I've spent a lot of time trying to process my current relationship. It does not fall within the scope but there is a certain dynamic. I am not uncomfortable but I can't help but overthink, as usual. 

Often I've considered that I am damned to wonder. If there are not those who continuously wonder beyond their contended state, then where would we find true progress of humanity? The cursed model of success that the current state of man has us tethered to does not encourage the creative thought that we desperately need to foster to survive. The outlet of social media has eaten most of that space, as many found no where else to turn. 

I am as happy as I ever am. I do love him. But am I in love? Does it matter? Someone who serves and strives to make me happy and appreciates my own efforts in return is a nice, safe, and comfortable space at the moment. 

I am worried that I will detach and get bored and end up hurting him, as I have done time and again. Though I have avoided committed relationships for the most part so far. Emotional damage does not require a label. 

Sometimes I still find myself craving that guiding hand. Someone who I can fall into and let go of all that worries me without the real fear of everything falling apart. Someone I know I can trust to make compassionate and intelligent choices regardless of the circumstance. 

Things have been going well. I'm not lonely. 

But I still think of you. And miss you. The thrill of your attention. I still feel it when we talk. 

I hate it. I wish I didn't. 

I don’t really know how much longer I’ll be here but I had a decent time.

Never believe that it’s too late to find what will push you forward. No matter how long you feel like you’ve been standing still. Life always shifts. And provides.

Sometimes it will be enough. Sometimes it won’t. It’s worth finding out which it will be. Never believe that you are alone and that you cannot push forward. You are everything. Made up of stars, sea and air. Everything you see that’s beautiful, is you. Even when you lose all hope, faith, and will, never lose trust in that.

I aware that this is selfish. It’s the only thing I could think to do for myself. For as long as I can remember peace has never come easy, or at all. I don’t know what’s going to happen from here honestly but I am sure you will all be better served by my memory than whatever dramatic fucked up shit I could think of while I was here.

I know this means I’ll be back. But I’m more okay with that than staying here like this now.

Utter emptiness and failure.

I tried so hard to be better for all of you. You will never know how much I truly love you. In the sick pathetic way that wants to see you succeed at my detriment. If that’s what it takes to give you the world.