Story of Me

I started down my path of self discovery in 2018 with one goal - live my life as my true self.  It hasn’t been an easy road but I’ve learned so much throughout the years.  I’ve met some great people on here, my first Daddy Dom being one of them. I’ve also met some unsavory people too who forced me to learn some hard lessons. 

I started as a little first then explored more of my submissive side. I found my inner pet who enjoys the freedom of being objectified and humiliated. I found pleasure in exploring the depths of mental manipulation, humiliation and being human property. Even more recently did I also discover Hucow in which I got to watch my body change as it prepares to produce milk once again despite it being over 20 years since it last did. 

All this to say that my self-discovery has surprised even me at times and has only just begun. I have even begun to wonder what it would be like to be on the other slide of the slash….then the thoughts fade away as quickly as they came.  I do hope to find my special someone one day who will share the journey with me and change and evolve as often as I do. 

You said you knew me better than I knew myself huh?

How? How can you possibly know me when I don’t even know myself?

I do not know what I want from one minute to the next!

Unpredictable. Spontaneous. Erratic. Emotional. Exhausted. Uncertain. Alone. Uncollared.

You don’t know me! On your knees kneel before me and take me in.

You don’t know me! Give your body to me and hand over the key.

You don’t know me. Promise to care for me always and treasure my gift to you.

You don’t know me. Put me in my place beneath you for just a moment.

I don’t know me, how can you?

You know?

I recently had an opportunity to explore some of the things I’d been fantasizing about for so long. Up until that moment, I had only imagined what it would feel like. What I gained from that experience was not what I expected. My experience involved me being a pet, with some spanking, crawling and verbal degrading. Just nice, slow and casual as it was fairly new to me. I can’t remember exactly how long it went on, an hour or so maybe? I truly enjoyed myself and was glad I was given the opportunity.

Its been days since and my mind still cannot stop processing. So many doubts and questions swirl around.
“Is this really what I want?”
“Could I live my life as an animal?”
“Can I live a life of servitude?”
“Could I ever learn to trust?”

So many bad experiences with bad people along the way certainly hasn’t helped ease my mind. 😒 To make matters more complicated, my work life is triggering some crazy “competitive” feelings and I hate it. Now I feel uncertain and confused about what it is I truly want my life to be like. 😩

Lost and uncertain.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here. Figured I’d write a quick update for historical purposes. 

My hucow journey has begun. Still no owner/master/farmer but that hasn’t stopped me. After a few months of taking supplements, frequent massages, my milk has started to come in! I was amazed to see my nipple begin to form a drop, then another. Now, I have noticed that when I am aroused, I start to leak just the tiniest bit. My breasts now ache as if I have tons to be milked even though I don’t. It’s been such an empowering experience and I am truly amazed. 

I guess this old cow dog has a few more tricks left in her! 

🐮🐶

I used to fantasize that I would meet a wonderful, handsome man who would soon be my Master. He lives and breathes getting to know me, my family and close friends. Eventually, I go to live with him bc I’ve grown so attached to him that being away from him pains me.

Our sex life is not plain and I definitely am never left wanting more. Various positions, toys, bondage and impact play keeps us busy and entertained. My love and trust for him grows more and more.

The changes start so subtly and slowly that I never even noticed the pivotal moment in which my life would never be the same. The point of no return. I loved and trusted this sweet and loving man. Why would I ever question his motives? It made sense to stay home and help him with his business. It was well within my skill set. I no longer needed my own money because he had taken control of the bills almost immediately after I moved in. I appreciated no longer having to keep up with what was due and when! He knows how much I hated shopping and going out in public that having a car of my own wasn’t really necessary. I would just use his on the few times I needed to go into town. Without going in to the office, I was able to focus on exercising and tending to our home and my wonderful Master.

When he told me how much he loved me and how he would hate to ever be without me, my heart melted!! Then the e-collar was locked on permanently around my neck and an invisible fence installed. He had it set to low and we tested out the boundaries so I knew how far I could roam without feeling the shock of the collar. It was a bit extreme for me but he showed me where the key would be kept in the event I needed to take it off so I figured it was worth it to go along if it made him happy.

Unbeknownst to me, the collar was more than just a small shock. Apparently it released a small mist with the push of a button on the remote. A remote I had no idea existed and by the time I found out, there was no way I would be able to find or use it. I only remembered feeling extremely sleepy, everything going blurry and falling asleep on the sofa.

I awoke with such a headache. I went to raise my hand to put it to my head only to find that I couldn’t! Still trying to regain focus, I realized my contacts must have somehow slipped off because I couldn’t see a thing! Literally, all was black and I could barely make out lighter parts of the room. Why couldn’t I touch my face!? I slowly start to stir and I can feel I was bound somehow. My hands and feet felt like they were concealed in gloves or socks of some sort? I wasn’t able to put my knees together or my elbows. Almost like a bar was keeping them apart?? I slowly start to feel around my surroundings and try to listen for familiar sounds but everything sounds like it’s muffled or that I’m under water. I manage to get up on all fours but when I try to stand, I cannot. Not only is there not enough slack to allow me to place one foot on the ground, but I feel a sharp buzzing pain in my neck when I tried sitting back on my heels and pull against my bound limbs. What was happening? Was I dreaming? I start to panic and begin to scream only to be stopped by the electrical shock to my neck again. Confused, I try to remember the last thing I did before feeling sleepy? The collar didn’t feel like this when we practiced the small shock by crossing the fence boundary?? I moan from the pain and surprisingly I wasn’t shocked that time? I moaned louder…still no shock. Apparently, mooing and moaning was allowed but not speaking?? My whole body starts to ache. I feel like I was put through the wringer.

The ridiculous sounds I made must’ve caught someone’s attention because next thing I know, I feel someone’s hand rubbing my buttocks. Startled, I flinch but couldn’t really go anywhere fast. I tried feeling around with my hands and take baby steps but the floor feels uneven so I stop and let the hands explore my body. Then suddenly I hear your voice loud and clear inside my head.

“I see you’re finally awake my love. It’s been a long while but the day has finally come!” You sound so excited and happy and all I feel is scared and confused! I try to talk to you but am shocked again. Tears well up in my eyes and I begin to sob. “There, there my pet, there’s no need for tears! It is your birthday after all!” My birthday?? What did he mean by that? My birthday was months away! I make a moo sound hoping you understand what I mean! “What do I mean by that you ask? Well my beautiful pet, you have been transformed into an animal for my use and entertainment, so it’s only fitting that we celebrate your rebirth!!”

My mind racing and emotions overflowing, I don’t know what to feel other than helpless and vulnerable. “I’m sure you’re wondering what’s happening. Well, you can hear me but nothing else bc of the special fitted ear bud transmitters in your ears. You probably haven’t noticed that your ears have been tagged also much like a farmer tags his livestock! Your sight has been minimized bc of the special contacts I put on you. Besides, even if you take them out, we both know you can’t see a thing without your glasses.” I start to blink rapidly and shake my head side to side to say no and that’s when I feel the plastic like tags in my ears hitting my cheeks. I also feel something on my nose. I start to sniffle and try to wipe my nose as best as I can on my arm. “Oh careful now pet, your septum ring is still healing. We don’t want that to get irritated do we?” My mind is in disbelief. What is happening? Why was he doing this? I thought he loved me!? I try even harder now to fight against my restraints, no use. I try to crawl away but after a few feet, I bump my head into something and I stumble backwards. My butt felt sore and achy. “Now that you’re my pet, I have to keep you safe. After all, if you can’t see or hear or stand up, I can’t have you roaming around all over the place can I?” He asked rhetorically. All I could do was moan and moo in protest. Such ridiculous sounds! I feel your hand on my butt and I feel sore under your touch and I let out a whimper. “Oh I know it hurts my pet but believe me, it is healing quite well! They all are healing rather quickly too!” They all are??? What did you mean by that? What have you done to me!!!??

“Your septum piercing is doing well, along with the piercings on your cunt lips. I figured I would get it all done while you were in and out over the last two months of training; four piercings each side as well as your cunt hood. Of course no animal of mine would be complete without my mark either so I had you branded on your ass and above your cunt too.”

Sobbing uncontrollably, snot coming out of my nose I cannot even fully wipe away. I felt humiliated and disgusted. I knew I was completely reliant upon you. How would I ever be able to be seen like this by anyone who knew me?? What have I done?

Will you take my hand and walk with me?
To the other side we’ll go.

Where together we’ll start our new lives, promise me you’ll go?

We’ll explore each others bodies and create a bond like no other. Let me show you what’s awaiting us, it’s just up the road.

What would you sacrifice to leave your world behind? Step out of your comfort zone, I’ll be there waiting for you, crawling with you, you’ll never be alone. 

Together down the trail we go, your hand in mine. Together we will find our freedom, kneeling side by side.

There is nothing that can stop us if you just hold on tight. We will support each other to get to the other side. 

Explore our unknowns and peel back each other’s s layers. Let me show you what I really am, if you’ll only take my hand.

Sometimes I think the Gods and Goddesses of fate grow weary of sending me signs that I just don’t see. 

“Be patient”. I’m impulsive.

”Be still”. I run.

I started this chapter of my life a mere 5 years ago. I lived a vanilla life until I turned 40. Until I had the courage and ability to make a commitment to myself to finally live my life for me. I’ve had all the emotions during this journey . Good or bad, I’ve learned from all my experiences. I’ve met and spoken with some interesting people too.

Somewhere along the way I lost myself. No Dom or Master or anyone really to keep me grounded, it was bound to happen I suppose. I’ve been beaten down but got back up each and every time.

Be open, honest and transparent. I can give this but getting it back in return, not so easy. I understand now that not all were deceitful. Some simply did not know who they truly were or what they secretly desired. Eventually it comes out, some sooner than later, but the truth always appears. That’s when everything starts to crumble and fall to pieces. The person I met and got to know is now someone new. Lately, those recent discoveries haven’t ended too well for me. I fear they may have all finally taken their toll on me. Too tired to bother anymore. 

“Be patient. Be still”. Yes, I think I hear you now.

I recently had an opportunity to pursue life as a 24/7 slave. It took me a while but I made the decision to leave my job, leave my family and friends and move to be with my Master. Unfortunately it did not work out as we both anticipated. It was unexpected and upsetting for the both of us. Crushed…I came back home to try and pick up the pieces. Little by little, I have been putting my life back together. 

With every experience I have had on this journey I make an effort to learn a lesson…good or bad. Reminding myself to not become bitter and jaded from countless failures. This time all I can think of is my perception of reality. My dreams of living out a fantasy life I have longed to have for so long, may just have to stay that…a fantasy. 

I wonder what you see when you look at me.

Do you see potential in what you could do with me?
Do you see the damage from my past?

Do you hear me and see a chance to play out your fantasies? 

Do you see the madness brewing beneath the surface?

Like a wild stallion, my spirit is strong in its beliefs.

Like a tornado, I drift in and out of your place of harmony and leave destruction behind.

You think you know me? You think you can tame me? I’m begging you…please…walk away.

I am not for the weak.

I am not for the novice. 

I am not for the confused.

Look, but don’t touch! Or you’ll wish you never knew me.

Feeling lost and alone. I’m calling for you…screaming your name! Do you hear me?

I need your guidance, love and protection. I need to feel useful, wanted, needed. Can you hear me?

To feel your touch, your energy, the sound of your voice. Only you can put me at ease. Without you I am lost, hopeless and afraid. Why can’t you hear me?

Teach me. Train me. Mold me. Breathe life into me and bend me to your will. I’ve been looking for you for so long. I’ve waited patiently. I’ve been put through hell trying to find you. You don’t hear me.