Into the Void

I know this will turn away any potentials that may be out there. That's OK, it wouldn't take long before they would run for the hills anyway. That is, IF they even were to give me a chance in the first place! Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of people tell me that I'm entirely too picky. Well, let's think about this for a minute. If we didn't list our preferences and desires, Doms would wind up with Doms and subs with subs. Not to mention that the possibility of anything long-term (or short-term, if that's what is desired) would be impossible to achieve.

I truly thought that I was being reasonable with my desires. Evidently, I was wrong. I'm constantly told that I need to rethink my desires and preferences. I can't understand why my choices are wrong or too restrictive, while others are adamant regarding their choices and defend them to the grave. Those people are admired for remaining true to themselves. Yet, I am treated as if I am the devil if I do the same.

I find that the only place I remotely come close to belonging is in the "friend zone." I do have a Dom friend whom I have never met, but he has shown he cares more about me than either of my two ex-husbands. It would have been nice if we had been able to develop something, but we are seeking two polar opposite types of relationships. I had begun conversing with one Dom, but my size is a complete turn-off for him. Others just haven't had the chemistry for the romantic vanilla relationship that I desperately need to coincide with the dynamic. I don't cope well with someone that immediately attempts to dominate me.

So, I sit here, convinced more than ever before that I am unworthy of love or desire or being wanted by anyone. I am now wrestling the undesirable (go figure) fate that is now my life: proceeding to the grave becoming more and more alone. My father and my daughter is my only family. My father's health isn't great, so each day I feel the necessity to prepare my heart and mind for his passing. My daughter (I'm so very proud of her) is in her junior year of college. She is succeeding in beginning her own life and traveling her own road. I have me, and that doesn't say much. I had hoped that I would be working toward a relationship with the right man by this point. However, I have been shown that it isn't the direction of my life. I detest this road, yet I have NO say in it.

Undesired, Unwanted, Unloved....those are my descriptors that more accurately describe who I am than my chosen screen name.

It's a pretty simple question, yet it appears to be virtually unanswerable.  The initial flirting and pursuit seems to be worth it to a broad spectrum.  However, once the posers, the ones who have yet to read the profile, the ones who are seeking the opposite of what I seek, once they have all be eliminated, the choices are virtually nonexistent.  Still, there are choices.  That is, there are choices until they get to know me.  Suddenly, those choices evaporated like an ice cube on a sunny summer afternoon in the South.  These same predators (which I gladly welcome) deem me incompatible.  They disappear.  They attempt to convince me that my views, my morals, my faith, my standards are inconsequential.  Everything that makes me who I am is comedic to the point of being ridiculous to them.  They emphasize the worthlessness of these aspects.  Even more important, they emphasize the worthlessness of me.

I'm a people-pleaser.  It's quite literally who I am.  It's what helps me to be the sub, even the slave I yearn to be.  Yet, these are the very traits that cause me to be undesirable, unattractive, unlovable, unwanted.  Someone please help me to understand this situation.  I've evolved since discovering my role in a proper dynamic.  I don't want (more importantly, don't need)  sexual encounters.  I seek the relationship to accompany the dynamic.  Within that relationship, I crave to serve my man to the best of my ability and remind him of his power over me.

So, I ask all of the Doms reading this blog, am I worth it?

We go to a steakhouse, and there are multiple choices for an appetizer; entree, side dishes, desserts, and drinks.  On the minimum side, if there are 4 choices of appetizers, 4 choices of entrees, 4 side dishes, 4 desserts, and 4 drinks, PLUS 4 salad dressings and 4 sauces....If a person could choose only 1 of everything, there would be 16,384 options for a meal.  We all know that restaurants have far more choices than what I listed.  Now, factor in the number of restaurant variations, dining in or eating at home, alcoholic drinks, choosing more than one side....It gives me a headache, and I'm a math major!

Why do I discuss food like that and make everyone hungry?  It's because each one of us is uniquely different.  We might have one or more interests in common with someone else, but there is nobody else out there exactly like us.  As a result, we each seek something specific to complement who we are.  One person may be seeking someone who just enjoys kinky sex.  Another person may want a TPE dynamic.  You may want something completely heterosexual or only desiring a same-sex relationship.  Do you yearn for monogamy or is a poly household right for you?  At the end of the day, do you want to celebrate all of the accomplishments of a liberal representative, or do you want to demand more from a conservative politician?  The bottom line is that if we are mature, we can accept and respect people for who they are.  I'm not suggesting that we have to agree with their point of view, but we can still respect the person while disagreeing.

I have been told by numerous people that I'm too picky.  I don't think it's a bad thing.  I'm just constantly learning what qualities I seek in a person.  I know that I desperately need a boring, vanilla romantic relationship in addition to a fiery, Master/Dom and slave/sub dynamic.  How that combination appears would be completely dependent upon who is with me.  I'm picky?  If that's the case, then everyone here is also too picky. I have been told numerous times that someone wasn't interested in me for....pick whatever reason you desire.  Guess what, that's OK.  I am who I am.  Whether or not there is a Master/Dom out there who seeks what I have is immaterial.  After settling in two marriages and several "dynamics" that were disastrous, I have discovered that I don't have to settle.  I want to be happy.  The only way that will happen is when someone accepts me for who I am and is willing to work with me to make me the best woman I can be, not change me into some plastic doll they think they want.

This site's a menu.  Pick and choose to your heart's content and be happy or make another choice!

I want to be the love of a man.

I yearn to be placed upon

A pedestal of his love and adoration.

i need to demonstrate

my desire to support

His decisions and endeavors.

this girl chooses

to gift the Master her complete

submission and possession.

her Master honors

His girl with His ultimate

Gift of taking possession.

i stand beside You as

Your partner in the relationship

W/we chose.

Yet, i am aware

Of my lowly position

Beneath Your Dominance

Your Ownership

Of my very being.

i indulge in the

Pleasure of Your touch,

Even when it is striking

Various parts

Of my body in discipline,

In maintenance

In the gentle

Reminder that i serve You.

i live free

Within the confines

Of Your Rules and

Protocols that serve as my

Lessons to become

The prized possession You

Attained through patience

And Adherence.

i am a woman.

i am a mate.

i am a helper.

i am a lover.

i am a nurturer.

i am a free soul.

i am a possession.

i am a slave.

Let me begin by making some preliminary comments: 

1)  Yes, that's an authentic jersey

2)  No, I didn't actually play.  This was for a Halloween party.

3)  Give me a break!  It was about 30 years ago!

This is the jersey of a semi-pro hockey team.  My first game was after having staples removed from bone fusion surgery on my right ankle.  Hard to accept as a 22-year-old that you'll never wear heels again.  I literally endured my first game in a magenta cast from my hip to my toes.  I hated the game.  It was boring!  (OK, I was young and STUPID!)

I saw how cute the guys were and how tall they were....for the most part.  And, THEY WERE MY AGE!!!  While I never dated any of them, I did become friends with a number of them.  Friends enough that the fiancée of the player whose jersey I'm wearing insisted I crash with him and his roommate rather than driving home after hitting the club with the team.  They always acted like protective big brothers, which was great.

Because of this team, I saw a goalie play for the Florida Panthers, a forward become the HEAD COACH of the Pittsburgh Penguins, and another forward become a current assistant coach for the Washington Capitals.  Hockey lets me get out frustrations and make some wonderful friends. 

Well, i've tried multiple times on multiple sites.  i've done the best i knew to be the sub/slave that the Dom/Master wanted.  i've been told i'm too picky.  Oh well.  If i'm not compatible, there's no point in trying to make it work.  The common denominator:  ME!  So, i throw up my hands and surrender.  i'm not attractive enough.  i'm not smart enough.  i'm not submissive enough.  i'm not....whatever you want to fill in the blank with....enough.  So, i will accept the fact that i am destined to be alone for the rest of my life and hope the rest of you have the relationship and dynamic you've always dreamed of.  i never will.

the paper that is me

white, but smudged beyond use

torn, tattered, crumpled

i lie in the trash heap

screaming that there’s still room

to nobody interested

i’m picked up only to be discarded again after i have completed the latest task

at least it was a little longer this time

the rest of the garbage doesn’t want me

any more than the one who picked me up

i’m the piece of paper wanting to be used

but deemed not worthy

left

to

crumple

and

die

Sir desired me to post my writing here.

Ever since i was potty trained, the mere thought of urinating on myself or (even worse) someone else urinating on me has been revolting and disgusting. Urine is human waste. There's NOTHING sexy about it! The Doms Who required that of Their submissive partners were beyond sick in my book. And, the submissive women who were actually willing to ALLOW anyone to do that them were obviously mentally deranged.

Yesterday, i spent over eight wonderful hours with Sir. i knew that He desired for me to not only pee on myself, but to do it while still fully clothed. The closer i got to the room, the more my nerves took control. i had agreed IN WRITING to step into the shower (fully clothed) and pee all over myself. Watersports is a hard limit! Why on earth did i agree to such a thing? Still, i gave Sir my word that i would perform the task as soon as i walked into the room.

Being the caring Sir that He is, He eased my nerves by kissing and fondling me upon entering into the room. He even had me remove my top to ease me into the submission. He guided me to the bathroom, and i dutifully obeyed His wishes by stepping into the tub, still wearing my pants. He demanded my urine. There was no gentle request. There was no encouragement. There was His Master controlling His slave demand. i realized i could no longer hold it as the stream began to flow. No, make that as the waterfall began to roar down my legs. i could feel my emotions begin to flow with the urine. i was so close to tears, but i didn't want to disappoint Sir.

Suddenly, i realized i was no longer peeing, but i was now squirting in my pants. The degrading, embarrassing, humiliating ordeal had caused me to orgasm! How the hell could something so very wrong cause me to orgasm to the point of squirting? i couldn't stop! my pants were completely soaked. Sir appeared to be quite pleased with the performance, and i knew i still had two more activities to endure that i was dreading. Yet, the thought of accepting Sir's urine on my tits started feeling less like a task to endure and more like a new adventure! Even being forced to keep the bathroom door open while using the toilet was easier to endure as my mind began to accept the Rules Sir is enforcing upon me and the fact that i no longer suffer with the mere thought of enduring the dreaded watersports. Now, i eagerly accept it as part of O/our dynamic and i willingly surrender the pride in lieu of the humiliation i had the privilege of displaying to Sir.

In education, everything has a label:  Math class; English class; Chemistry class; freshman; sophomore; assignments; formative assessments; summative assessments….i could go on and on.  The lifestyle also has its set of labels:  Dom; sub; bottom; Domme; slave; sadist; masochist; straight; gay; bi; pan; asexual; monogamist; poly….again, i could go on and on.  i've always “known” i was a heterosexual female who looked down on being anything except equal to a Man within a loving, monogamist relationship.  Anything else was, well, just WRONG!

i'm now 56, and i have to say that my definitions have drastically changed.  i am far more receptive of who i truly am.  It’s been difficult to acknowledge, as it requires a drastic amount of trust.  The traditional household of the 1950’s involved the Man being the Head of the Household, while the woman was the heartbeat of it.  In the modern era, women have been forced out of the home to help make ends meet.  Genders and roles have become confused:  girls are no longer encouraged to offer their submission to their Man.  No longer are Boys taught to become the Men deserving of a girl’s submission.  Discipline?  Oh, absolutely NOT!  To the unknowing eye, she is accepting abuse and staying in “danger.”

Here's some insight into what makes me, well, me!  Being 56 allows me to have a perspective most people under 30 have never seen.  i remember the days of the Father being the Head of the Household.  mom would answer by admitting, “Let me check with your Father.”  Translation:  i defer all final decisions to the Man.  All my life, i have sought a Man Who is capable, willing, desiring to take control of His household.  A Man Who would be brave enough to hold me accountable for my words and actions.  A Man Who would disregard the current status quo in exchange for holding firm to the proven tenets of the past.

So, Y/you’re asking Y/yourself, “What has all of this got to do with the title of this writing?”  That’s easy.  Over the years, i have discovered that i NEED the rules, the lessons, the daily tasks of a Man Who desires to keep me in line.  It’s MANDATORY that He be willing to administer the discipline when i cross the line or don’t measure up.  i want to be able to offer my total and complete submission to Him.  TPE, Total Power Exchange, does frighten the hell out of me.  i mean, to have NO say in what happens…it’s scary.  But, i also feel confident that my Master will make it exceptionally easy to obey His every wish and desire.  He will lead and guide me to become better and everything i do. 

When i fail Him, He will administer quick punishment, disregarding any tears that flow as a result.  He will have full control of me.  i will always be available for His use at His discretion.  Pain?  i'm finding that i am far more of a masochist than i ever imagined.  i crave His pain not only to please Him, but i also want it to heighten my own enjoyment.  To bear and display His marks, His handiwork would be a privilege and an honor.  The relationship and dynamic that W/we create would be intimate and completely filled with trust.

So, where does that leave me?  Am i a true modern woman, capable of forging my way with the same strength and determination of a Man?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!  i am but a humble slave, willing to serve my Man in any way He sees fit.  For me, a dream come true would be to routinely receive His belt, flogger, paddle, and even cane or whip applied to my body.  It’s humiliating to have marks left on a body that used to be mine, but has become HIS possession.  Yet, I feel as if they would be badges of honor and privilege.  As it has been stated to me:  i am His blank canvas to mark and color to His satisfaction. 

A masochist slave for a sadistic Master.  Who would have thought such a thing?